Advice Needed Regarding Divorcing Parents

You follow the court order, or you get one if you don't have one yet, and you deal with each other mostly in email so that you are not having stupid arguments over the phone. If the CO says he calls once a week during a timeframe, he talks to his children during that timeframe. he can email you anything else. You treat it like a business partnership in the business of raising two children. My DH tells me that when he was getting divorced, his ex would pick fights with him at work, to the point he almost lost his job. He had to learn to pick his battles and not feed her drama. To respond to mysterious voicemails with email and to only reply to the parts of the email that pertained. So if she went off on a rant, he would simply confirm, "The children will be with you on x weekend, per the agreed adjustment to the rotation." It is hard to do, but better in the long run.

And remember, in the long run, his relationship with them is his. We couldn't make DH's ex be a better/more involved/less crazy person. We did the best we could and her behavior stood for itself. We never kept her from her children. She did that herself. If he decides to skip visits or be a check only father, then document everything, make sure you're following the order and won't be held in contempt and just do the best you can for your sons.

You get an attorney.
Communicate through him or her.
Set up a visitation schedule and stick to it.

So sorry to hear it! Keep in mind, in IL, a no fault divorce takes a minimum of two years unless BOTH parties agree to waive that requirement. I have three kids, and I filed for divorce about 10 months ago. I find it better to communicate via text and e-mail. (Verbally abusive) husband is constantly trying to bait me into arguments, and when he does, I just ignore him.

YOU don't keep the father connected to his children. HE has to keep himself connected to his children. When hubs and I first separated, I did all the work to make sure he could see the kids. Now I make him put in more effort. Shockingly enough, he is a better father now than when he lived with us. I don't like the way he parents, but the kids love him and he loves them.

If the father decides to fall off the face of the earth, that will be his own fault. Let him fail or succeed on his own. When your kids grow up, they will be able to see who did all the work and who only brought short bursts of fun to their lives.

Good luck to you! This is a long long road. Try to keep your children's feelings in mind when you are dealing with your husband. It's not easy when he is an a-hole.

Have no phone contact. Arrange a day/time for switching children back and forth and that's it! You will only see/hear from him at those times. If that gets bad, you'll have to hire someone (a babysitter) to do the switching for you.

You don't keep him connected. It is up to him to do this on his own. You live your life and he lives his. The only connection are the children. Get a visitation plan in effect or court order and let the chips fall where they may.

He may be upset that he got "dumped" but that is life and he has to deal with it.

Good luck to you. I hope that you resolve your issues quickly and that all is well.

the other S.

PS You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You can't control him.

In my opinion, which I have no experience in this, I'd stick to other forms of communication. Don't give yourselves a chance to fight. Stick to e - mail or text saying "what days do you want to take the kids? " and request that you both only reply to the questions and nothing else. Don't give him an opportunity to fight you. I'm sure if you explain your reasons for this, he would respect them. If you have to call or see each other, maybe sit down with him and write out 'safe topics' that don't push either of your buttons?