Advice Needed from Moms of "Tween" Girls and Older

You know books have alot of good advise but not has much has your own experiance. Imagine how you felt when you were her age and your body was changing and we felt so uncomfortable and our mothers were real quick to set and talk to us. So just you and her go out shopping one day and buy those cute little traing bra and panty set's and get her excited about her growning up and becoming a women and how important it is to respect her self and never let anyone treat her and tell her she is not beautiful. To many young girls these day think they will not be pretty unless they dress like these girls on tv and show half there bodies. Always teach her it does not matter what you look like outside, its how you carry your self and most of all what is inside. And always remember to install in her the great values you have been taught by your mom. Books dont tell you how to love your kids, you just know how. Just like you know how to help that tween girl growing up in your house... ALWAYS BE HER SELF AND BE A LEADER NOT A FOLLOWER

Hi G.,

I have 4 daughters ages 3, 5, 8, & 11. I am a firm believer not to hold back information from them, or sugar coat things. Everything has an age appropriate answer. Only you, as her mother, can determine what's an appropriate answer.

You are right to assume that other children will tell her things, if they haven't already. Also, don't assume that she would tell you no matter how close a relationship you have. I was VERY close to my mom, but NEVER would have talked to her about anything related to any of the things you mentioned. Why? Because she never spoke to me about them. It was just not talked about. Everything I learned was from magazines & other people. Not the most ideal situation.

So,what have I told my chidren? My two oldest children know about periods(I didn't want them to be scared if they got it earlier than I anticipated)& know why you get a period. They also know, in the very simplest form, how you get pregnant. They also know that what we talk about might not be what other parents talk about & that it's disrespectful to tell other people about it. That they have those types of discussions with their own famalies.

I chose to tell my children these things because I belive in being informed & knowlegable about yourself. I think it's best to be honest & respectful even to children.

My oldest daughter is almost ten. I have been trying to keep informed based on what is happening to her. I believe that she will start her period early. She slready has a "cycle". About every month, prePMS cames to our home. So... I have told her about periods. I told her that every woman has them. (She was afraid to tell anyone if she started) I explained that the nurse and teacher would understand.

Anyway, the best advice that I have ever been given is: Answer the questions that you are asked and address the things that you see happening. Generally children ask about what they want to know. I try to sometimes, have a little one on one time with my oldest daughter to give her the opportunity to ask the "hard" questions. I will bring up something that she perceives is personal about myself and that will help to break the ice.

I will tell you that most of the questions happen when I am having my period. As you know, you can be discreet but my girls always notice and sometimes that will prompt them to ask questions at their level.

Remember to keep all information to her level and her questions.

Hope that helps,
H.

G.,
I am pregnant and not a "mom" yet, but I do have a stepdaughter we see on a regular basis. She is still young enough to where those yucky thoughts are still normal and odds are 4th grade won't change any of that, but make her more aware of boys as an interesting subject. My stepdaughter is 11 and when she was 10 for Christmas I bought her a book put our by the American Girl line, called The Care and Keeping of You. It is perfect for that age. It talks about brushing your teeth, your hair, your skin, about your period and tampons, how your breasts grow and stuff like that. It is very well done and plenty of pictures that are kid-friendly. My stepdaughter and I have read it together and she was really into it. At the end of her 5th grade year they watched "the movie" about girls growing up and the boys watched their "movie". Yes she was embarrased, but did ask a couple of questions, and then was like, oh...ok. Once they get the info they are looking for and it is usually very basic information, they drop the subject until something else comes into their mind about it. I'm sure you know that from raising your little one. You can get this book I mentioned at Bath and Body Works and they have others as well, like about True Beauty and stuff like that. Odds are she knows all about American Girl dolls and that line and that will make it easier too.

D.

http://justsayyes.org/

If you can go hear a live discussion do so or the dvd is worth every penny and says it all. It is never too early to start.

G. - My daughter just turned 10, so I know exactly where you are coming from. On the bra question, has she started developing there yet? If not, than I would let her know it is not time yet. When I started our daughter on training bras, I just got the sports bras. We also bought her a book on her body that we found at Barnes & Nobles, in the children's section, but were they have to stuff for the older girls. It is called The Caring and Keeping of YOU. It has a sketch of 3 girls on the front and one of them is in a towel. After that if she has questions, than I would answer them. But make them simple, not to in depth. It will go over her head. We did the same thing about the baby question. And it has been pretty cool, especially b/c I am expecting within the nest couple of weeks.

Let me know if you have any other questions, and I hope this helps. M.

Statistically, kids are starting to have sexual experiances at a growing rate by the time they are only 8-9 years old.

And she is most likely hearing disgusting things at school anyways, better to hear it in a respectful and informative way from her mom, than be taught the crude things by her peers. Some of which may already be experianceing it physically, (whether by choice, pressure or molestation).

This is a GREAT and simple resource to look at yourself and share with your daughter from our church, whether you share the same faith or not, you can glean some excellent ideas and standards from it. ALl of the youth and adults even are encouraged to carry the little packet in our wallets. Here is a simple online version:

http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,30-1-7-1,00.html

I don't have a "tween" child, but I do work with them extensively at church and I have seen the strength they have knowing and practicing these virtues.

I have a 7 year old daughter and I say you should start talking now! I have been talking to my daughter since she could talk..by using the correct names of body parts to start and answering her questions about my body.

When I had my two other children....I answered her questions. There is a great book about body changes and how babies are made for young children. It is called What's the Big Secret? There is also a great book on having the talk for parents to read by Dr. Heffner...called From Diapers to Dating..how to talk to your children about sexuality (their changing bodies) in all stages of their development.

Good luck...remember she will take her clues from you..even if this mortifies you...pretend it doesn't..she should be proud of her body and feel confident enough in knowing what is going to change over the next few years.

I believe knowledge is power for young girls.....the more they know...the more they can avoid trouble and bad situations later on!

Hi G. First a little about me I am a single mother of 6,2 boys ages 25 and 15.4 girls ages 23,22,22,not twins recieved custody when they were tweens and a 17 year old. Grils are harder than boys but the sex issue and the things she is about to encounter with her self are verry emportant for her to know and if is difficult for you to bring it up just think how difficult for her to find out on her own. Sounds to me like youve been lucky so far about the boy issue and the baby issue. My children both male and female started asking question when they were 5.The easiest way to bring it up is to ask her what she knows about these subjects in question. I say this because she might know more than you think. When a child has been sheltered like you say your daughter is and she feels you are having a dificult time with these issues and belive me they know when you are keeping something from them they tend to keep what they do know to them selfs and that in its self is a bigger concern than you not knowing how to talk to her or when. In my life time of raising childeren girls are more likely to keep something from you than the boys and that is scary. Girls today are matureing faster than before and I can't explain that but it is true and the earlier thay know what is going to be changing about them the better it is for them to handle it. I know I have made a lot off grammer mistakes sorry. The first thing is to find out what she knows and go from there. sorry so long good luck T. aka MOMMA T

My oldest daughter (I have two girls) at arount that age thought panyhose advertisements were prevers (sorry about the spelling) but my girls leart about much of the female stuff from being with me all the time, they followed me to the bathroom until they hit their teens and finlally gave me both more space. I think in 4th or 5th grade is when the school shows them the films about the changes in their bodies. Even my younger daughter who has sever learning disabilities caught on pretty quickly in regards to her monthly visitor. My advise is listen to your instints, you sound like a great mom who is doing all the right things.

Hi G.,
I was in fifth grade when the school system taught us about changes a girl's and boy's body will go through and it left alot to the imagination. Luckily, my mom sensed my confusion and she sat down and talked to me about the whole truth. She didn't sugar coat anything and she told me what actually happens between a man and a woman and how babies are made and how they are delivered. Also, how much time and money a baby takes to raise. She warned me about all STD's and what effect they can have, as well as the emotional aspect that goes along with having sex, like how vulnerable it can make you. We were not raised with strong religion, so her talk was very straightforward and to the point. I just want you to know that my mother's bluntness saved me a lot of heartache during my high school years and made me think twice about how special my body really is and it made me protect it even more. I waited till I was eighteen and in a serious relationship to have sex and I am happy to say that we will be celebrating our seven year anniversary this year. I have my mother to thank for letting me know the real deal behind the birds and the bees. And as far as the appropriate age to have the "talk", I think the sooner the better. Your daughter will learn bits and pieces as she gets older, so the sooner you fill in the blanks, the more confident she will be in social situations. Good Luck!!

Hi, I have been in your shoes. My daughter is now 23 years old and we are very close. I think it stems from me being open and honest with her. We had the birds and the bees talk when she was 9 years old. I was also worried that she was much too young, but then I remembered back to when I was age 10 and in the 5th grade. In the 70's they showed the sex education "FILM" around the 5th grade. I would have loved it if my Mother would have educated me more, therefore I made the decision to educate my daughter at age 9. I think your daughter will appreciate getting the correct information from you and then when she does see the "FILM" at school or hears it from her friends she will appreciate the fact that her Mother took the time to explain it first. My suggestion is to go to the library and get some good literature and sit down and have your talk. Good luck

Hi G.....I know exactly what you're going through. I have five children ages 20, 19, 17, and 14 year old twins. Four of them are girls, and it has really irritated me that they are having to grow up so much faster than I did at their age. I don't think I knew exactly how things worked even when I got into high school....and I really didn't care to know because being a Christian I knew I wasn't doing anything before I was married, and I knew I figure it out at some point...lol... Anyway...my kids weren't all that inquisitive...thank goodness...but I knew it was coming, so I bought a set of books I had seen James Robinson recommend. It has all the different levels from what to tell very small children all the way up to teenagers. When they got to around 10 or 11, I gave them the first one and told them to read it and tell me if they had any questions. That kind of broke the ice and made sure I didn't approach parts of this subject that they weren't even wondering about. We've had a few talks and tried to make sure they know where the Bible stands on this subject. Our neice who is a few years older than them unfortunately gave them a great example of what not to do...she got pregnant her first year in college and ended up deciding to give the baby up for adoption. They saw the problems and emotional pain that she had to go through, so it was an excellent life lesson for them. I'm still not done of course, because I really haven't talked to my twins that much about it and I know they already know a bunch of stuff just from being in school and what they see on tv. I'm fixing to sit them down and have one of those embarrasing but necessary sex talks whether they think they know it all already or not, because it is totally scary the amount of sexually active girls and boys that are in our schools and with all the STD's that are out there, I've had to get over my irritation about them having to grow up too fast and just tell it like it is. I guess the best thing, if you're a believer, is to just pray about it and let the Holy Spirit direct you in what to say to her. He knows exactly what she's ready for and will give you the perfect words and time to say it.

God Bless....K.

P.S. These books were written by Bill Ameiss and Jane Graver. The series is called Learning About Sex, a series for the Christian family. The different books are titled:
Why Boys and Girls are Different, Where Do Babies Come From, How are you Changing, Sex and the New You, Love, Sex, and God, and How to Talk Confidently with your Child about Sex...and appreciate Your Own Sexuality Too. Hope that helps!

Hi G..
I started talking to my daughter about bodily changes when she was about 9 years old simply because each persons body matures at different times and it's better to be aware that these changes are going to happend than to be "surprised" and think you're dying. My mother started her periods at a young age and that's what she thought. My daughters best friend started hers when she was only 9. I have been a special education teacher and have seen first hand how this "surprise" affects these young ladies. No, you don't have to tell her about the rest of it, only that her body will be changing and that this something she can expect to happen, and ot not be afraid when it does. You can save the 'birds and bees' part for when she is older.
good luck.

Hi G.,
I sooooo feel your pain on this one! I have an 11 year old and this has been a relevent topic in our home lately, too. I don't think we've figured out the magic formula for handling these issues, by any means... But something I wish I had known back when she was 8 or 9 is that even though I THOUGHT I had sheltered her well, she knew WAY more than I ever would have dreamed she knew then. I had no idea the kids at school talked about sex that early. So knowing this, I wish I had talked to her sooner and given her factual and Bible-based information first, rather than her hearing really strange stories from kids at school. I think you're doing yourselves a favor by beginning to address this at 8. Maybe you could start slowly, giving her a little info at a time. And something I'm learning form a Bible study I'm doing right now is how important it is to have frequent "girl time" and talk about all kinds of things. It's a great study based on a book called "YOUR GIRL" by Vicki Courtney.

Hope this helps!
Oh, and I think it's neat that you told her God's the one in charge of creating a baby...I think someone had criticized you for that...He sure does deserve the credit for creating a wonderful baby. :)

Happy Anniversary, by the way!
Take care,
K.

Howdy Neighbor -

First and foremost CONGRATS on your anniversary!!!! ;-)

I was reading your post and thought wow she has her hands full - then I saw your name!!!!! I of course can not give mommy advice since mine is so little but I can share MY story with you.

I was in 5th grade and started at a friends house. Her little sister has some kind of bladder issue and so she had pads - She gave them all to me and I went about 3 months before I could even tell my mom I had started - I had to as I was out of pads!!!!!

So TALK TO HER for sure - I had a class in health at school so I knew I was not going to die - But I wish my mom had opened that line of discussion - Some of my friends even had moms who went about it as a coming into woman hood and took then to a special lunch, mani's pedi's - a celebration - that I think helps take the fear out of it and gives you a place & time to talk. Like getting into a club!

Since I know your daughter I dont feel she is ready for the STD talk but she for sure needs to know that being a woman means she can make a baby and could get very sick if she is not careful. I also know you cant control who she talks to at school but her friends seem to be great influnces!

Best of luck and let me know how is goes - I will be there before I know it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miss T.