Advice for Kids That Need Instant Gratification?

It sounds like your kids are very healthy and you're handling it well. Kids are supposed to experience the world in an egocentric way at various times in their lives.

Kids who dont have that opportunity to say "mememe" dont get a strong sense of self. The result ranges from depression to Narcissism. Narcissism especially is tied to not having an opportunity to experience this egocentric world.

The wonderful news is that going through these very anti-social behaviors at a young age is half the equation to a healthy adult. At some point they turn outwards instead of inwards. The trick? You. Modeling behavior is 90% of the battle.

There are times when we need our kids to "come here right now." But are you patient with them. Do you give them the opportunity by saying :Mommy needs to leave, but I'll wait five minutes until you're done." It works.

The way to get kids to say please, thank you, and I'll wait, is to say those words to them. Often.

Hi C.,

Nice question. I think that consistancy is great, but judging the time of day and the amount of patience your children have left can be helpful.

Just before a nap, they may need a quicker response.

But usually, I think a little game with humor might help. When the ask for a drink, answer "Yes, I'll get you a drink, honey." only once. Begin walking towards the fridge humming a fun tune. If the question is asked again, stop and say "Honey, I was going. Now you stopped me. Are you ready for me to start again?" Do not move, until they say yes or nod. Then start with a smile and a fun hum. The next time, just stop and look at them. When they stop whining, start again. If they meltdown, walk away and be busy. Do not address the meltdown. After doing this a few times, they will get the point that they are stopping you, and interrupting getting what they want. Even the youngest children seem to understand this game. Everyone wins!

Model good behavior.... There really is no other way! It sounds like your children have been spoken to with respect and kindness. Eventually they will (sort of depending on the age) get it! Good luck!

C. I am with you on this. I also think its kind of snotty when other moms think they are better than everyone else and try to make other moms feel bad about choices they make. I also have a 2 year so I know how it can turn out if they dont get their way. With my boy if I am busy I will tell him I have to finish and let him know I will get whatever in a minute and he is usually ok with that. When he is not I will ask him to go do something for me or to go get something so I can finish. It also depends on his mood at the time. If a melt down happens or starts to happen I will stop for a minute and get down to his level and let him know I am busy and when I am done I will get whatever for him. I dont give in every time just because he whines but I will finish up a little quicker if I know he is tired or just needs something. The only thing I will drop everything for is potty time because about a month ago he decided he doesnt want to wear diapers anymore. So yes you are not alone and I bet it hard with 2 year old twins and a 13 month old so if you feel like giving in every once in awhile to keep your own peace as long as they are still using please and thank you you will not be ruining your kids and they will not turn out horrible. I also have a 5 and 8 year old and it does get better.

Who is the child and Who is the adult in your home?
I think once that is determined, your life will become much easier.

I always say, "I would love to get you.....Mommy's hands are busy, and I'll get it as soon as I'm done". If my daughter starts to whine or get upset about it, then it changes to: "I can't get such and such until you can wait quietly" or something like that.... I've also reminded her that "I know it's hard to wait, but you're doing a great job" if she IS quiet and waiting. You have to break the cycle!

I only have one son so I find it so easy to just stop what I'm doing and get ______, just so he stops asking! HOWEVER, like you said, it will continue. What I do now is stop what I'm doing, look at my son and make sure he is paying attention to me and say "when I am finished with _____, I will get you ______". When I first started doing this, I would make sure that I 'finished' whatever I was doing within a minute and then worked up to more and more time. I have found with my son that sometimes he is just looking for some attention and as he waits, he will get distracted and start playing. The one thing I have never been able to do is to get him to not talk to me while I'm on the phone! I'm not on the phone often but it seems any time I am, he NEEDS to talk to me! LOL. We all have our issues... Good luck, I just keep in mind that I am not looking to have a perfect four year old, I am looking to raise a respectful, pleasant, polite man.

Hi C.,

While I appreciate your desire to raise polite children and I don't think you should become a servant to your children; 2 1/2 and 13 months is still a little young.

I can imagine how stressful your day can be. My littlest were 21 months apart and the physical care of them alone can be overwhelming. (feeding, changing, diapering) and of course trying to get a few household chores done.

That being said and done I don't think you should drop everything and wait on your children. When you do speak to your children; stop what you are doing, kneel down and get eye to eye. Even move their face to yours if necessary. Then speak slowly and clearly. "Mommy is doing such and such, I will get you your drink in a moment". Just remember, their concept of a moment is much shorter than ours.

After speaking with them ignore all other repeated requests and get the drink, whatever, when you are ready. (again, remember, their ability to wait at this age is very limited)

As difficult as this is you will eventually condition your children to realize that satisfaction is coming and you will not be manipulated. Otherwise, they will condition you and it will be much harder to break when they get older.

Best Wishes and God Bless,

J. L.

Hi C.,

I'm so glad that you're concerned about raising nice, respectful, and polite kids. I think that watching TV makes kids and adults less patient. TV is also isolating, even when you're watching it with someone, you're basically alone--unless you take time before the next show to discuss the program.

From what you've written, you know that you need a new way to handle this. You may feel that they are controlling you, but you are responsible for yourself and how you react. You're too good a person to become their maid. They're testing you, and by giving in, you're controlling their behavior to save yourself from the whining. I can't stand it either, but it only gets worse. Nip it in the bud before they learn how to drive. "Mommmmmmmmm, you said I could have the car. Now you want to go to CVS just to get antibiotics because you have bronchitis. Mommmmmmm." oooh, grates on my nerves even to write it.

So you'll get good advice from others on this list. I wish you the best. I know you'll evolve into the kind of mother you want to be. I love the encouraging, "Try your best." I think being conscious of your behavior and positive, and try your best. What else more can you do?

I would stop getting anything for them if they can't ask the right way and if they continue to hound you while you are getting it or you are busy with something else than they don't get it. My youngest has a speech delay but one of the few words he does say is please because he won't get anything w/o using it.

It does get better...but my husband and I try to teach patience and reward for good behavior. I actually heard about a scientific study that helped determine which children were more likey to give into peer pressure as a teen or preteen. They did see a link between children who wanted instant gratification and those who could wait and put off instant gratificaiton for an even bigger reward. They put a jumbo marshmellow in front of children (I think it was ages 3-5 but I could be wrong) and they told the child that the masrmellow was thiers to enjoy and they explained that the grownup was going to leave the room for a couple of minutes and if they returned and they had not eaten the marshmellow they would get another jumbo marshmellows and could eat them at that point. So some children wolfed down the marshmellow before the adult left the room and a select few held out for the bigger reward. They interviewed the children after and showed them a clip of a child patiently waiting until the adult came back and getting the second marshmellow and many of the children had wished they could have waited to get that additional marshmellow. We try to create opportunites for our children to wait patiently and try to reward them. We have three children and they are so good with one another. If my daughter wanted something and could not wait (when she was younger than 2 years old) one of my older sons would usually distract her or share with her (sometimes even thier favorite food or dessert) then we would reward them for doing this and give them more than thier share for being helpful) I try to explain to my children why I am busy and what I need to do before I can help them but I also encourage them to be independant as well. My children are 7, 5 and 3 and the 7 year old can help get the younger ones a drink of water or many of the common things and he loved to help so it works out. We also go by the rule that they cannot nag us to get what they want. If we tell them to wait a couple of mintues and they keep asking they do not get what asked for... plain and simple. We preface all of our outings to theme parks and ballgames like that so they are not asking for every treat they see there. We explain to them they they will or will not get a treat depending on the situation and if they badger us for those things they will not definatley not get them. So I hope that helps we practie the marhsmellow game with our kids to help teach them patience...our younger one still can't hold out and pops the marshmellow in her mouth right away but the boys are getting better at it. I hope this helps!

I have a three year old and a just-turned-two year old and also a 2 month old. I see it sometimes but not every time like you are describing. When i say wait until i'm done feeding the baby they generally will wait.

I'm trying to think about what i have done to make them this way to give you some advice. I have conciously made a real effort to be very consistant with my dicipline. If i say come here... and they don't (after a 1,2,3) then they are put in time out. If i say stop and they don't stop (after a 1,2,3) then they are put in time out. When they ask for something and they get all up in my face about it I tell them that if they don't stop they will not get what they want. Then, if they dont' stop they don't get what they want.... And for that time and for any other time you just have to deal with the tantrum that will come. After a while they will learn.

What i am really trying to teach them is that there is a concequence to every action that they take. Good or bad. I also make them say "thank you, I'm sorry, and excuse me"

The one thing we are really still working on is the "EXCUSE ME MOMMA! EXCUSE ME MOMMA!" when i am right in the middle of a conversation. They just will not stop until i speak with them. What i have been doing is telling them that when i am done I will speak to them. If they are quiet then two seconds later i will say, What is it honey.. but unti they are quiet i will not say a word to them.

Unfortunately I think you are in the same boat as most of us...for my kids we are working on doing that while I am on the phone!

I definitely think it is part of the age as my daughter is 4 and has to have everything 10 seconds ago... my son who is 6, used to do it, but has come to the point that he just gets it himself- independence is a wonderful thing!

Stick to your guns- if you are home with them full time, pick a few days where you let them have the melt down after not getting what they need right away, use time outs or whatever you use in your house for discipline and make it clear they know why they are in a time out. You are right, it is a respect thing and you are doing the right thing by wanting them to grow up to be respectful kids. Remember, when they head to preschool or kindergarten, they are going to be in a class of 15-20 kids (maybe more) and insant gratification will not happen. They will need to wait- although they always tend to wait for the teacher more than they will ever wait for us! Good luck!

C.,

I am 48 years old, I have 3 children and the first 2 are way older. I am telling you all now.......STOP WAITING ON THEM LIKE THAT!!! I did the same as you, it will never END!!!! My third child I am raising different. The first two are spoiled adults!! I love them dearly, but that is a huge mistake to wait hand and foot on them like you are. Teach manners while they are little or you will have children that do not respect you much. Take my advice and start a new day with them respecting you. How do you do it? Just like I did with my third, have them only ask once with a please and thank you attached. If they keep asking, they do not get what they want. And stick to it! If temper tantrum happens in a store or where ever you are...LEAVE. They do not get what they want. This works like a charm. So when they do it the next time, remind them that you will leave. And at home ignore the tantrum, tell them to use their words to ask what they want. If they dont, ignore them. I wish I did this with my first two, my life would be so much happier!!

D.