Has Anyone Else Been Shamed by Strangers?

Wow, that is extremely rude. Trying to deal with a temper tantrum in the middle of a store is hard enough without someone making those kinds of comments.

I would have just ignored her, that kind of comment doesn't even deserve a response from you. (maybe an F' you, but that isn't appropriate either).

That lady just took a big serving of bad karma. . it will come back to her someday!

No one has ever actually said anything to me but I've had some dirty looks! Sometimes I just glare at them, I've also shamed them or asked "a little help please?" Haha :)

They probably either don't have kids or don't remember how difficult 2/3 year olds are! You're SO not alone!

I certainly hope that isn't a new trend! Anyone with kids should understand that 3 year olds sometimes have tantrums. Sometimes I do feel like there is judgment or competition among Moms, but we really do need to stick together and support each other.

Shame on them for making things more difficult for a Mom trying to deal with a difficult moment.

Don't take it personally. That lady is the one who should be ashamed of herself. I'm not sure what's wrong with the world these days, but I think people have become a lot less supportive of one another and it's really too bad.

Yes! It is so frustrating! Do they really think they are helping the already difficult situation, by putting you down?! My daughter did a similar thing in Safeway, and I was dealing with it as best I could trying to get my shopping done quickly and get her home, and this same lady approached me a few times throughout the store and kept giving me "tips", I wanted to punch her!! Either they haven't had children, or they just forget what it is like! I try to remind myself that what we do for our children is best, and we learn from our mistakes. All those comments...we can just leave them right there in the store:-)

I think that there have always been and always will be rude people. And I think the number of rude and insensitive people have increased - especially given the popularity of daycares in the last generation. (So many women are sticking their children with strangers to raise, many people simply haven't SEEN normal child behavior out in public nearly as often as they did 20 to 30 years ago!)

I also think that those people pick and choose who they will be rude toward. I wonder how you are behaving and I'm kind of wondering if you are cringing and wincing with embarrassment and refusing to make eye contact with people. When my little guy went through that phase (very briefly, because he does NOT have a mother who gets embarrassed), I quietly and calmly stood next to him while he had his fit and I made eye contact with every single person who looked at me. Most people averted their eyes. Some people shared a sympathetic and knowing grin with me. Once someone offered to help (I was holding an armload of my hubby's dry cleaning.) Not one person EVER had the gall to say "shame on you" or "you are a bad mother" to me . . . and heaven help them if they had. (I have NEVER had a problem coming up with witty and biting comebacks.)

You said you went to a manager for help - I'm assuming that was to deal with the rude women and not your son. That the manager ignored you tells me that they weren't being threatening - just obnoxious butt-in-skees, right? My guess is that if you had boldly stared back at them right at the beginning, they would have scuttled on by to talk about you behind your back. Next time if someone says "shame on you," you should calmly and coolly snap back: "For what? Having a toddler? Or for not dumping him in daycare for a stranger to raise so you don't have to witness normal toddler behavior? Rhetorical question. I don't really care what you think." And if someone tells you that you're a bad mother, calmly and coolly snap "If I wanted your opinion, I would have given it to you. Have a nice day."

I am so sorry....people are so rude. Next time tell the cow you bought him on e-Bay and thought a 3 year old was a good idea at the time, but there's a no return policy on him.
It's a phase at least one child in the family has to go through, if it were your first...you probably wouldn't have #2.
The last time my 3 year old threw a tantrum in a public place I told him to yell louder and kick harder so he could teach other kids in the shop how to do it. 3....sucks, I'm told 4 is better (?)

Awww B....we ALL feel your pain. SERIOUSLY!!
This is NOT a new trend.
My own kids are older now, but I CLEARLY remember our commisary (USMC) shopping days--with 4 kids under 7 (one was a tantrum throwing 2 year old...) Each child had their own part of the cart to hold on to, and in doing that, mOST of the time, they were well behaved, but apparently, THAT wasn't enough for the "bystanders" (i.e. the OLD BATS~old officer's wives, etc. that knew EVERYTHING) I/we got comments. including "apparently, these people know nothing about birth control"-my answer "some people are just too fugly to even need birth control"~NOT very lady-like, but hell, I was a Marine, and proned to potty mouth at times.
I also had to do the "walk away while keeping an eye out for the tantrum thrower"--during Christmas shopping (the worst, for sure), because SHE WANTED AN ORANGE JULIUS, and I sadi NO... and as I was walking away, my little daughter decided to keep the tantrum in motion, and threw herself around my ankle (as I held 20 lbs. of Christmas bags...), so I KEPT WALKING, and I was just dragging her through a large, California mall :( When we got in the car, her consequences (all kids have "currency"-you just have to figure out what theirs is) were served. OF COURSE, while I was dragging this "poor, defenseless little screaming blonde girl", I got stares, and reprimands, and even heard someone saying they should call CPS..What the HAIL ???
**Remembering all of this, now that mine are grown (thank God!), I always offer a smile, or a NICE comment--and even offer to hold or laugh with a little one, if their mommy says its ok.
I figure that as long as I don't act like those old bats from "back in the day', and offer a kind smile of understanding to a stranger with kids--the world just might be a better place.
You just hang in there, B., he WILL grow out of it--and then he'll be a teenager, and you'll wish for the old tantrum days... (I am saying this with a big smile on my face--it wasn't THAT bad!)
Hugs~
Becca

B.,
I would have said, "Shame on you for not minding your own business." some people just make me angry. Both of my children have done the same exact thing and I have never had anyone say that to me, nor have I heard comments like that lately. What a couple of stinkers.
I don't think it's a new trend, I just think that some people believe that they are above everyone else and that they have all the answers. Had it happened to me, they would have gotten a mouthfull from me and most likely slinked away looking shocked from my colorful vocabulary.
I try distraction. It works really good for our 5yr old. He starts getting angry and I say, "Oh, Look" pointing in a direction, or "Oh my gosh, did you see that?". That gets his attention. When he wonders what it was, I'll say that bird(or leaf or anything) just flew down, or something like that. You can think of anything and just the sudden comment will get their attention and help to ease the tantrum.
I wish you well.

I would LOVE to think that this is new, but sadly, experience tells me otherwise. Many people who have raised compliant children often look at the struggles with strong-willed children and assume that if their parents simply tried the methods that had worked so well with the compliant children, the strong-willed children would just settle right down and mind. As those of us with strong-willed children are so well aware, this is simply not the case. Those other parents are just feeling frustrated that you have OBVIOUSLY not taken the time or energy to do the basic steps required to teach your children boundaries. You are wise to "shake it off" and not let it get to you. I hope it is a consolation to you that there are MANY, MANY others who have been in your shoes. There will always be people who don't understand. The good news is, there are also people who do, and are there for you to cheer you on. Like me... YOU GO, GIRL!!! :)

Well I will put it as they tried to shame me but I put them in their place. You know what kind of mother you are and for someone else in a small moment in time to dare to say you are not a good mother either has never had any children or they were very stern parents and I do mean stern old school parents who chose to have their children fear them and keep silent. Do not take it to heart these people do not know you and next time it happens just look at them and say do you have children if they say no then politely tell them to shut up. If they obviously have had or do have children say something to the effect that if she had never experienced tantrums with her children then she was Abnormaly blessed more than most and then politely tell her to shut up. Nothing more nothing less. It really doesnt matter what they think but if you stand up for yourself and put the embarrassment back onto them as being nosey know it alls they will think before opening their mouths.

Bullies smell fear at any age. Hold your own, do the best you can, and expect adults to behave like adults. If they don't, do you really care about or respect their opinions?

I can't believe that someone said that to you, I'm shocked. I wish that I would have been there too, I would have put them in their place! My first child was perfect, never a problem going out anywere. Then came child #2, oh boy....whole other story. I was then the Mom with the screaming kid. Just ignore or get ready for a good come back. I had a mom from my kids school make a comment about my daughter. I was not happy about it but ignored her. One year later that Mom had a daughter that is a strong willed screamer. ha ha ha, pay back.

Hi B.,
We all have been there... What it worked for me... First I did ignore all the tantrums and it worked great. Than I took a Parent educating class and used their advices (they sounded good) and started dealing with the tantrums - negotiating, logical consequences, leaving the store, you name it - I've done it. My first approach - the ignorance worked better but I couldn't go back because he already knew that I would do something if he tries hard enough. My little guy just didn't like shopping. We were in a coop Preschool and I started using up my free hours for grocery shopping. Later I started involving him in making the weekly dinner menu, the grocery list and picking up the food together. I started giving him little task like "Remind me to get you...", "Can you help me to find..." or holding the grocery list and circle the things we had in the cart and some choices what to get and etc. I did end up with quite few unwanted items in the cart, an extra hour in the shop but I never saw another tantrum. If you can't do the ignorance part, just get him involved in the shopping. Make it fun and he will start enjoying it. When you do the grocery list make sure that the first letter of each word is big enough for him to recognize it and it is a wonderful way to teach letters. You can go further and make cards, cut pictures and write the word, than take to the shop the cards you need and let him help you find the stuff. Good luck!
P.S. And ignore the stranger's comments. Well, I didn't do that but I know how to shut up some one's mouth and I don't do it very nicely. I have a big mouth too. ;-)))

Hey B.,

I'm very sorry this happened to you. I don't think this is a new trend. Quite frankly, I think you just encountered a couple of real B*tches who should mind their own business!

They're lucky they hadn't done that to me. I'd of told them off like there was no tomorrow. Bravo to you for being classy and not allowing their poor behavior ruin your day! Shame on them!

Chin up!

D. P.
Mother of four...who has dealt with many a temper tantrums in public.

I really hope it is not a trend- most likely some women that either have no kids or grown kids and do not have a clue.
I have 5 and not a one of them has never thrown a fit in public.

B.,

I think it's the new, sad trend. When my now 4 1/2 year old son was about 2-ish he had a meltdown in Target while I was paying for our stuff. My husband had him off to the side trying to calm him down and get him back under control. A high maintenance, nose in the air, didn't have kids woman walked by and gave my husband a dirty look, stuck her nose further in the air and made that "uhh"/offended sound. The woman right behind her muttered loud enough for my hubby to hear "Wait till YOU have kids" and walked out with her three in tow.

There is WAY too much emphasis on me me me, get out of MY way. Nobody seems to stop and walk in another's shoes for a mile or so. There's too much judgment and not enough empathy, compassion, and understanding.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

BTW at 4 they totally stop listening to you instead of just arguing like at three. :)

Hi B.,

Mine are older now, but I remember a day when I was grocery shopping at the commissary(military) with my oldest two. The store was packed, and my son, who was maybe 4 at the time, was waiting at the end of the cart, and my oldest was holding the handle, while I was picking vegetables. An older lady was backing up towards him while she was holding/pulling her cart, and was headed straight towards him. He had nowhere to go because there was a cart next to mine, one behind it, we were right next to the vegetable--thingy, whatever you call it, and he was just standing there, not fussing, not doing anything, just standing there waiting. She was going to run right into him, so I said "excuse me ma'am! My son is right behind you and you are about to smoosh him in between you and my cart!" She looked down her nose at him with the coldest look I have ever seen on an old person(and my Grama could give some cold looks, lemme tell you!), then looked at me and said "Well, the little brat shouldn't be in everyone's way! Small children shouldn't be allowed in grocery stores!"

I was so shocked, all I could do was holler at her that all he was doing was standing there wating for his vegetables, and that bit**y old ladies shouldn't be allowed to leave their house! I felt bad that I called her bit**y, especially in front of the kids, but how dare she?!

My point is, that even though we weren't having temper troubles(that time....there was that time he whaled me in the face lol...oooooo!!), ignorant, stupid, nasty people are everywhere and timeless, and I don't think it's all new these days, but perhaps them opening their mouths more frequently is a new trend, since it seems like more and more people have no idea about common sense and manners these days.

Next time, maybe ask if they want to help feed and clothe him too, since they want to help raise him. Otherwise, just give them a dirty look and ignore them.

Props to you for not letting it bother you. Just keep on doing what you do! :o)

K. W

I too have benn at a sore and my son has thrown a fit. People look at him or I and act as if they have never seen a tantrum before. I would just ignore them and just remember that everybody has been there before. Even them, there just too old to remember. Your doing nothing wrong.

I've never had that happen to me! And I would never do it either! You really can't stop a 3-year-old having a tantrum if he wants to. The only thing you can do is control your response to it. If you have a consistent and firm way of handling his tantrums then you are doing everything right and those people were just rude!

B.,

I'm so sorry about this! You know, I didn't really learn how good moms and good kids can just as easily get in this situation as anyone else, until I became a mom.

My son is really good, but when he gets it in his head to scream, look out! I'm sure some people are thinking, "what's wrong, why is he so naughty, can't his mother control him?", etc. He's almost 3, I think it's pretty natural for toddlers to act out in that way. My son also says please, thank you, and is very nice in many other ways, but sometimes he just lets loose with some yelling. (trust me, I don't like it anymore than anyone else!!)

It's really unfortunate that people don't have that compassion you described from when your mother got support. It's a shame that people seem to tend to get all judgemental now.

I think maybe as long as we're thick-skinned enough, and just know we're good moms, with good kids, we may have to tough it out sometimes. It's not like you can really get into a winnable discussion with the people who are putting you down. They don't even know what they're talking about. Of course, it's hard to take criticism about our mothering, even from someone who's totally ignorant about how we actually mother our children. We have a saying around here, about letting it roll off, like water off a duck!!

Once when my oldest son threw a fit in a clothing store and he knocked the stack of folded shirts to the floor. I took him behind the counter and swatted him on the tush and told him to stop it. I was chastised by the store clerk for punishing him. Well, the behavior was unacceptable, was not warranted and I needed to get his attention when it occurred, not an hour later after we got home. He was 3 at the time. He had to apologize to the clerk as well for creating more work for her. Timely feedback to a child is imperative, as they don't make the connection between something they did 15 minutes ago with the consequence or conversation you've decided to have at a later time/date. Maybe the women were commenting on the fact that you didn't address his tantrum, you let it proceed. You tell the child to stop it, if it continues, you put your items down and leave, regardless of what you were doing there. Your child was in need of attention.. be it punishment, comfort, your undivided attention, whatever. It's not the store manager's place to attend to your child or to console you when someone gives you feedback for your child's public behavior, could it be the store manager agreed with them? Depending on the tantrum and other circumstances, the behavior wasn't seen as cute or a passing thing as it was when you misbehaved. Work with your son on his behaviors. Talk with him and let him know what's good and bad, and what you will not tolerate. Give him consequences, for good and bad behaviors, and follow through with them. Be consistent and timely. If you don't, life will be difficult for him and you.

Wow - some people need to mind their own business!

I would have said back to them "shame on you for being so rude!"

I hope it's not a new trend. I don't know where you live but it sounds like a very judgemental community.

You didn't mention what you did while your son threw the tantrum. I'm wondering if those woman didn't like how you were handling it. I have seen some mothers handling their kids pitching a fit by completely ignoring the kid or yelling vulgarities at them, both of which didn't resolve or help the situation. Now I'm not saying you did this and some kids don't care what you're doing to calm them, they are just too into that moment, but it's something to think about. Those women should have kept their mouths shut in my opinion, regardless of what you did. They don't walk in your shoes and probably don't even have kids. Tantrums are so embarrassing for the parent and handling it is incredibly difficult at time. If your sons fit was so significant though, that you actually needed the help of another adult, you may want to seek some counseling, before he's school age, and nip this fit throwing in the bud. Hopefully, this will pass as many toddler things do. Best of luck to you, as we all need it. :)

I have a three year old son who often acts the same way in public (which according to his dr. is totally normal). I have experienced the occasional eye roll and a few looks that say I can't believe you are letting your child act this way. I don't think this is a new trend, I am sure it has been going on forever. Like your mom I have also had parents tell me it gets better, etc... . It's just important that you know you are doing your best and that you are able to turn a blind eye to those who have nothing nice to say. Sounds like you are able to brush it off. Anyways, you are not alone!

Hi, I've had people make unsolicited comments, but I learned to ignore them. Every child is different.

One thing I did learn, was I left a store/place immediately when my child acted up. It only took a few times. I was in the grocery store - full cart, when my daughter threw a tantrum (about 1-1/2 years old). I told the clerk my cart was in "X" aisle and I'd be back after she calmed down.

I ended up going home, leaving her with a neighbor and going back to check out. My kids also learned not to ask for candy, etc., at the check out, etc. They knew they got a cookie at the bakery when we went in, but not to ask for anything or they would not get it, or we would leave.

I have to say that's the one thing I didn't have patience for and I followed through on. If they throw a fit, it's not acceptable anywhere, and there's a time out. I've even stopped the car, pulled over, and taken them out to sit in a parking lot for them to throw their fit, rather than to drive and hear them scream because they didn't get what they wanted.

For us, it worked. I know it doesn't for everyone.

People WILL ALWAYS have an opinion about your children, and never remember that there's weren't always perfect. But try to use in your mind, how you want your child to behave, what limits you want to set, etc.

Good luck.

I have read a lot of the responses and I can agree with some of it, and some not.
When my kids decide to throw a fit in the store, I stand there and critique their performance. They are not yelling loud enough, or use your arms. Sometimes I even yell with them, and stomp my feet. Hey it works, they see how silly they are and stop.
I have also been known to take then to a corner in the store and make them stand for a time out.
Now that they kids are older I tell them " there are corners here."
Now the other stuff.
Ok, love and logic I love it, as long as you have a child that can respond to it. What i mean is if you have a special needs child that cannot connect the dots, he is not able to respond to love and logic the way the others are. Trust me, I stumped my love and logic teachers with my son.
The other thing with love and logic and you must be willing to live with the outcome. One of the issues I had was, Ok, you leave the store go home and put them in time out. Lets break this down. Gas cost, Time used, showing that if they ever want to leave something all they have to do is throw a fit. So put them in time out there.

I keep in mind a few things with my kids.
One is that they are people and they have rights.
I never shopped around nap time
Keep in mind what is going on in their little lives. I have one child that hates a change in pattern. Since we do not shop daily, that was a change. And it was very hard on him.

As for the rude comments, I love some of the ones other's have used. I look at them and let them know that I have it under control.
Stand up to them, and let them know that they are making it worse. Or to mind their own business.
Yes I think it is common, I wish it was not. What I do if I see someone having issues with a little one, is I go up and offer words of encouragement to the mom.

Gone are the days of picking your child up and giving them a swat on the bottom for such behavior.

Take care, and keep sane.
Hugz
B.

Hi, I have a question, why did you ask for help from the store manager? Was it because the women were rude to you or help with your child? I'm not clear.
I don't think it was polite or helpful of the women to criticize you. That was wrong and hurtful. The store manager's job is not to get involved with your interaction with those women unless the police are needed to be called. If you needed help with something about the store that's different.
When I had a child throw a tantrum at a store or restaurant, it was time to leave the store. I felt it wasn't ok for them to cause a disturbance in a public place and quietly picked up the child and left the store. I didn't give them any extra attention just removed them from the place.
I have a store where sometimes children throw tantrums. Most parents apologize for their child's behavior, to which I say it's ok don't worry about it, children do that. Then they usually leave.

Hi B.! Wow! What a rude thing that lady did, but it doesn't surprise me...we have a very up-in-your-face society that is not teaching people to think before they talk. My
husband works as a Customer Service rep in Walmart...and some of the stories he tells me of how rude people are just make me sick. When I was a girl people didn't overstep their boundries and they took some thought for what the other person was going through. But, you know all this. Your son didn't do anything earth-shattering! So what, he was tired and bored of shopping, that's all. If you had spanked him THEN you would have seen the manager take note, believe me! My son threw a fit once in a store and I swatted his butt, and the manager came over and told me that if I spanked him again, he would call the cops on me. So,
I learned that my son could throw fits and even run a muck in the store but I wasn't allowed to discipline him (and, maybe you've found out that a mere word or slap on your son's wrist means NOTHING to him, right?). Well...the best of luck with raising your family. You have to be thick-
skinned around rude and thoughtless people, that's all, and you have to do your job well as a mom or you don't do your son any good, either. Darned if you do, darned if you don't!
:>) J.

I have found, in my own experiences, it has been the older folks that have given me a hard time! I am not saying all elderly people, just the two that have been horrid to me have been older.
Once, breastfeeding in Fred Meyer an older man(60's) walked by and said something about me feeding my son in public and how he didn't want to see that. I promptly took my son off the breast, he screamed (my son, not the man!), and I asked, "there, is that better?"
A year ago I was in the public library, and my then 1 year old lost his mind. he didn't want to leave the children's area, and was quite upset. This older woman (60's again!) walked by and told me that it sounded like I was beating my son, and if I couldn't control him I shouldn't take him out in public! WHAT??? So, I told her that if she knew of the person that invented the pill to magically make my son hush up, I would happily buy it, but until then, she would just have to deal with it. My tax dollars pay for the public library, and if she didn't like it, I didn't care. SHE went to the manager to get me "thrown" out of the library, and the librarian looked at her like she was a nut, and said, "M'am, the baby is one! That's what they do!"
Ignore them, who cares, You can't win. People seem to complain about everything kids do. They're loud, cry, eat messily, say inappropriate things....I don't know ANY kids that don't act like...kids. Next time someone says something, I absolutely agree with the other mother that said, "Hey, when I want your opinion about my mothering, I'll give it to you."
L.

B.,

The one thing that caught my attention was your rarely at home. Maybe your son was trying to tell you that he was finished for the day. It still does not give those ladies if you choose to call them that a right to say hurtful words to you and to your son - he may have heard those words also. I have 3 boys who are now 11, 9 and 6. Grocery shopping, or any kind of errand was challenging especially when they were 4, 2 and a newborn. I have had people make comments to me or offer discipline or the best yet even try to discipline them for me. I would tell these individuals that I got it. If they chose to ignore me and would them tell them to back off not your problem. Over time I learned that I could not keep my boys out from 9am to 3pm and constantly going they all needed down time. If they had a doctors visit we went home and stayed home the rest of the day or after lunch and some play time we would go to another errand. I had to spread out my errands over a few days. These are just some suggestions for you. To this day I still can not do alot of errands with my boys they become very, very, bored. They will no longer throw the temper tantums, but now I hear how much longer are we going to be here. Are we leaving yet? It will get easier. When my boys were yonger and threw a tantum in a store I have left contents in cart and all. I also have pushed my cart aside and placed my son on the floor and did time outs. Before we would enter a store I would explain the rules. No running off, do not ask for anything, no whining, etc. The funny thing is I still need to do this and they are older. I hope this will be helpful to you. Good Luck

One thing that I know works is calmly tell your child that they can make a good choice and behave or a not good choice and be noisy.But if they choose to be noisy there will be a consequence when you leave the store. (Loss of privledge or a time out). Then continue shopping. If the behavior continues, wait until your checked out and in the car. Then calmly say "It makes me sad when you act noisy in the store. Because of the not so good choice you made we will have X (fill in consequence here) just as I said would happen if you made that choice." Make sure you follow through. Trust me kids this age CAN understand this. My older daughter only did this once or twice. Then at age 2 I would get comments in restaurants and movie theaters about how well behaved she was. It really worked for us. It may take a few times with this method but if you are consistant you will soon start to see results. Hope this helps.
H. T.

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. My gut reaction when I read your request was they needed their mouth washed out with soap and then a good tongue lashing. Lucky (or unlucky) for me I am quick to respond to people who stick their nose in my business. They would have either tucked tail and left or they would have been the one calling the manager. I don't think this is a trend as most women give the sympathy look or an encouraging comment. Keep your chin up and quick comebacks ready.

P.

Hang in there, B.. 3 is a wonderful, fun and challenging age...
I just have a few words for women that are like that:
"If I respected your opinion, that would have hurt" or "please mind your own business."
My evil look works well, too.

Some people just get a rise out of saying mean things to other people. For some reason little old ladies seem to have forgotten what their kids were like or that their methods didn't work. My grandma does this to people and she didn't do a very good job with her kids. Ignore them, and do your best not to let it bother you.
I have been shamed in public too, by the way, and I don't even have any kids. People just love to make assumptions. Once, when I took my school's "practice baby" to a movie and people were telling me what a horrible person I was and how the movie is too loud for the movie theater... it's plastic, folks! The other times were when I was babysitting or taking out my younger cousins. People have tons of opinions and they can't wait to share them with someone.
I guess my long-winded advice comes down to this- take it all in stride. If you know what you are doing is right, or if you are doing the best you can, just brush it off and keep moving.

I would NEVER say something nasty to someone having a hard time with a child in a public place, but I can't tell you how many times I've THOUGHT something nasty.

I feel very strongly about this: Kids misbehave for two reasons ~ they're too tired or they haven't been taught how to behave nicely. The good thing is, it's totally within our power to fix the problem.

Kids get too tired when they have to bounce from one activity to the next. Playing in the sandbox, kicking a ball and making fairy houses are MORE important than organized activities. Being in your own house, doing things on your own agenda are so important to well being.

Regular and early bedtimes are vital. My kids are cranky and unreasonable when they don't get enough sleep. I am too!

Kids need to taught how to behave respectfully. I'm not casting stones here, because I honestly don't know your situation but... 3 year olds don't have the right to be loud in a store when they're mad. 30 year olds don't. 40 year olds don't. Figure out the behavior that is acceptable to you and your family. Make sure that behavior happens with positive reinforcement and consequences for "bad" behavior.

With all of that said... It won't last forever. Someday you'll think about this day and laugh. Best wishes.

B., at the risk of putting out a little bit of "sociology" here, I'm going to theorize that, yes, people are more likely these days to simply mouth off at other people without any empathy. Especially when it comes to parenting. Children seem to be regarded as a "personal choice"--an option that one acquires as a lifestyle component, rather than a shared responsibility for our future society. So, from that perspective, the attitude seems to be "how dare you mess up my experience with your screaming little brat". The saddest thing to me has been the other side of the coin-often if you do reach to help a mom who is having trouble in public, even if it's just saying something distracting to the child or friendly to the mom, you'll get told to "mind your own business" in a very rude fashion, or the child will look at you in fear because the parents have told them to be terrified of strangers.

Hang in there, B.! You're doing a good job, and some children are just prone to being loud and dramatic--sounds like you got one! This won't last forever.

It must be 'the trend'. I come from a big family and when I was young and we would all go places together, people would stop my mom and say great things to her. I am married with 5 children and I get 'quite the looks' from people when I take even just 3 of my children with me places. I have even had people question me as to if I know 'how it happens' (having kids). I'm not remembering having any encounters like you tell about here. I AM very tempted to make a T-shirt that reads, "I HAVE CHILDREN... DO NOT GET BEHIND ME IN LINE IF YOU ARE IN A HURRY!!!" on the back, to wear when I go shopping. That song "Don't Worry, Be Happy" from the early 1990's??? is stuck in my head now. Good Luck!

You have to be prepared to tell your child that he will change his behavior or you will leave...and then leave if he doesn't change it. Leave your grocery cart where it is and just walk out, drive him home and put him in his room. If you don't have any perishables, ask customer service to hold your cart for you and that you'll be back. When your son has served his time, go back. But make sure he has a logical consequence in his mind if he should act up again...taking something away or earning it back with angelic behavior. The reason you want to go back is so he doesn't think that if he acts up that he avoids the store...but that if he acts up it is less comfortable for him and it'll get done either way. You should only have to do this once or twice. I know it's a pain, but if one day can save you years of chaos at the store, it'll be worth every minute and every dollar of gas going home and coming back.

You poor thing! Those hags were shamefully rude. I despise taking my kids to the store, so I avoid doing so as much as possible, which means either waiting until my hubby is home, or trading babysitting with a friend. It is well worth it for my sanity and gives my kids play dates that I don't have to hang around for (except when I'm babysitting, of course).

My two-year-old is like a monkey flying through the trees. He expertly unbuckles and is on the floor from the cart in seconds. A few months ago an old lady screamed while she was being nosey and watching him do this. She thought he was falling out of the cart; she actually apologized to me (for screaming and making a scene). She should only see him scale the bookcases at home!

I've made a point of never ever ever buying my kids anything while at the store. It (usually) doesn't even occur to them to ask for anything. They might say "look, a ball/dinosaur/toy" and I say "uh huh" and go right on past it. They have their money (birthday money from grandma...) in a jar at home. If the older one does ask for something, which is rare, I'll just say "did you bring your money?" He says "no", so I say "oh well".

Try not to let nasty people ruin your day. Don't be afraid to say something smart as a comeback, either. Good luck!

You know, this reminded me of a friend of mine, so it is not about you. I don't know how you handle your situations, but her sons were nightmares! They would hit people, yell at them, and scream! She handled it by saying, "That's a 2 year old for ya," but never did anything to teach them. She just let them run wild and did nothing. Children are not born with all the knowledge of social behavior. They don't have to act that way just because they are 2, they will act that way because they are 2, but it is up to us parents to teach them the proper way to act in public and guide them through their childhood. They won't know any difference unless you teach them.

I see moms with screaming kids in a store and I just smile at them. They need it. I feel her embarrasement and understand every child is different in their own way.

My 6 year old is very stubborn as well, and when he was younger-it was a struggle. He would run off alot, especially in parking lots. I had to resort to a leash with a harness on it. It was all nylon straps, strong velcro to fasten it, perfectly safe. It wasn't a leather and chain thing like some people might think. I would get some dirty looks from women who looked like they didn't have children (and most of them didn't). One lady let me know what her thought were on having him on a leash, standing in line at the store. I asked her if she had any children, and she responded with a "NO" like children were rodents. I then "released" my son from his torcherous contraption, and he immediately bumped into her, and she dropped her bottle of wine. I said "whoops, I guess I should have waited until until we were in the car", and she glared at me.
I learned if I recieved dirty looks or remarks, I would think of smart come backs or just gave them my glare (something that has always made my husband cringe). People are more judgemental now than they were even 10 years ago. I don't know why. I know alot more people are not having children, by choice. Every once in a while, I would get a Grandma type of lady who would look at me and smile, and let me know, that it doesn't last forever. And I am here to tell you, that it doesn't.

Their behavior was completely inappropriate, unproductive and hurtful. I have heard that a good way to alleviate the tantrum and let strangers know the situation is being handled is to say something to your child like "You must be tired. We'll go home as soon as possible so you can take a nap." Not so easy to say calmly in the middle of a tanturm with judging onlookers, but worth a shot.

Makes me wonder if they had kids of their own or if they are the type who just think they would "do it better"?! Obviously they don't have a clue about raising children and about how difficult our job really is!!! It is so easy to judge and I think our society has gotten to the point where people just say whatever blurts out of their mouths instead of being respectful and encouraging! We have to get things done, and we have to do them even when the little ones don't really want to. Isn't it amazing how they are perfect little angels at home but once you get in a store or restaurant they have this tendency to want to exercise their individuality!!! You do the best you can (as we all do) and keep on trucking with those little ones!!!

Don't worry about other people. It has happend to me before when both my kids (4 & 2) had tantrums. Just remember that you are doing a great job

I think at least one of these women has hit it right on the nose...my almost 4 year old almost never throws a fit in the store, but when he does, it's usually a doozy. I simply ignore it and go about my business as best I can and say as little as possible to him so I don't encourage the attention he might get. I know it can be horribly embarassing, but I think by telling your child that what they are doing is embarrassing (which I remember my mother doing ALL THE TIME) makes a bad situation worse (and a lot more stressful/embarassing). When your son does that, I would do your best to simply ignore it. There will always be rude people, but people pick and choose others to pick on who look worse off than they think they are (or at least having a worse time) so they can make themselves feel better. Just try to ignore the rude comments. You are right though. there are a lot more rude people now than there were when we were kids. The instant gratification generation is (i think) causing lots of people, young and old, to have zero patience with anything. How unfortunate. I guess what I'm saying is we all wish we could make them mind their business, but sometimes you just have to change your approach a bit. Good luck.

I've had both supportive looks and comments and critical looks. I don't remember anyone actually saying anything negative to me.

I'm wondering about you asking the manager for help. Could these remarks have been caused by your appearance of not being able to deal with this tantrum? Tantrums are embarrassing and sometimes difficult to handle before you learn how to either ignore the child or pick him up and carry him out. Did they make these comments while you were trying to physically handle your son or while you were quietly standing nearby waiting for him to realize he's not getting what he wants, not even attention? When we look anxious, paniced, vulnerable it seems to be human nature for some people to pounce on us. Perhaps it's a leftover instinct from when that person didn't get the help they needed and/or were treated the same way they treat you. Whatever their reason for their nasty remarks and/or looks it's their problem. Ignore them and continue with whatever you are able to do at the moment. Remind yourself that you are doing the best that you know how to do. They don't know you or your child and are rude. Ignore them!

Once in awhile my grandkids have seemed so out of control to me and I felt so overwhelmed that I wasn't even aware of the people around me. I did appreciate the comments that gave positive support but I didn't even focus on them and was really the most appreciative of the comment(s) after the temper tantrum was over.

At first I had a difficult time walking away a few feet while keeping my eye on my child or grandchild. But once I realized that the tantrum ended without my involvement and also that I felt more in control it became easier for me to "walk away."

I don't think it is the new trend. I believe that most people are understanding since most people have been in that situation. It's just the rude ones that stand out, unfortunately. I think I would have replied, "Shame on YOU!".

I don't think it's a new trend. Those ladies were plain rude. I guess they have forgotten what's its like to have a little person who is trying to demonstrate their independence.

My daughter is now a grown woman but I can remember the first time she threw a fit in public. I was mortified and had a few folks give me the look and mutter things.

As for your son, give in to his little tantrums now or give in to his ever larger tantrums later, you decide. However, I have yet to meet a parent that hasn't had their young child act up in public.

Hang in there. E.

Rush out and get Parenting with Love and Logic in the Younger Years. I had the same thing happen to me in Target. I remembered the story in the book, tried it, and it never happened again. Amazing! Good luck!

I think since people are having fewer kids and keeping more to themselves, there is less tolerance for normal kid behavior in society. I can remember several times overhearing women griping (on and on) about a baby crying in the store. Once it was a grocery store (and not my baby) and the other time it was Macy's (and was my baby, with my husband). Both times I thought, Come on! What happened to it takes a village to raise a child? It wasn't like the grocery shopper (who I didn't even hear) could skip buying food that week because she had a baby!

I well I must say I commend you for biting your tongue, because I know if a stranger said anything about the way I am raising my child then they wldve gotten a mouth full from me and I cant say they wouldnt have gotten cursed out right then and there in the store!(Id probably feel bad about it later but...) We all have been through it and sometimes my son acts out in the store too, its really no biggy. So for those who have comments those are just unhappy miserable folks! Smile~T.

You have to block out everyone else, except your child. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says. You need to get a discipline plan in action and no matter where you are STICK TO IT! Make him watch an episode of Super Nanny with you and have him help you make a plan and start doing the NAUGHTY STOOL/CORNER/CHAIR. I did/do this with my daughter, now 9, and it works. It's very embarrassing to a child to be disciplined in public places, but as soon as they know it doesn't matter where you are, things will change. If a tantrum happens in a public place again, take him to a chair/corner/the car and do the 3 minutes(1 minute per age, 9 year olds straighten up real fast when they have to wait that long). Who cares what passerby's think! You could whip his butt and then have someone call CPS...Take a naughty time out and he will starighten up, stick to the naughty time outs and you will notice a difference in behavior very soon.
Good Luck!

I have a friend who was in Target with a 3 y/o boy acting the very same way. She is still healing from the remarks from an employee no less. I've had employees treat me badly-serve others before me, even though they could see I was clearly struggling to keep a melting child in line and make loud comments when I said that he was tired and we really needed to go.

Shame on them! What happened to "it takes a village"? Parents are definitely discriminated against in our society.
Before people can say anything, I use humor and say to people "spot the three year old". Excuse us please! with a smile - I almost always get humor and respectful support back.

People really forget what it is like to manage kids this age. When they are in the middle of a tantrum is NOT a good time to restrain them or talk! I would tell the ladies they are welcome to try their hand at it if they think they can be better. Stand back into the next aisle (where you are unseen) and let the cheeky cows see what it is like to manage an irrational 3 y/o!! My critical mom quickly learned that my child is strong willed, NOT that I'm a bad mom. She also quickly learned her way was a failure. haha

I do check myself to try to avoid these scenes - for my own sanity. Are they tired/ready for a nap, hungry, dirty diapered, having a bad day? (I try not to go during these conditions as I always end up stressed). Did I tell them what I expected of them (what good behavior looked like) before entering the store? I have exited stores quickly if they were unable to comply. Hope this helps

Yes, it has happened to me, too. No matter how well you train your children, they will still try out some new trick when you are out in public, unprepared and distracted. That's why it is so maddening when someone you don't know feels compelled to pass judgement on you. They assume you don't care about your child's behavior when you are trying to do your best with an embarrassing situation.

Thanks for reminding me what an impression those words can make. I'll often think to myself that some young mom is doing a good job handling a wild child. Next time I will try to remember to speak up!

Good Morning B. T.,
I believe every one has been ashamed of their kids' behavior at one time or another.
At a young age I introduced them to Jesus, not as a bad guy, but as a wonderfull Granfather in heaven waiting to reward them with special things. So when they acted stupid, I would ask them what Jesus must be thinking about that kind of behavior. This seems to help them think about their behavior when you aren't around as they get older.
Another thing that really stopped temper tantrums and obnoxious behavior in public was to not say a word, just give them the look, set them down and actually walk away from them. By the time you turn the isle, they are definately changing their mind.
I am very glad that you could walk away from the insults, that is a very good example to your young child.
Blessings, Annie G.

I am with you B.! I swear I must have a sign on my forehead that invites people to comment on me and my parenting in some way. I used to agonise over it and wonder where people would get off judging me - especially when they didn't even know me - and question my ability as a mother.

I've learnt to smile sweetly and move on. I have four kids who I think are well mannered and respectful and co-operative. But they do have their moments. Although there certainly are times when I have felt humiliated and condescended to by strangers, there are far more occasions when I have felt support and commendation from others about the niceness of my children, how well behaved and polite they are. That is always great to hear, an antidote to the critics.

At the end of the day though, I care less about what other people think. They're only getting a snapshot. And there are times when people comment in a postive way on my kids and I tell them - "You should have seen them an hour ago!"

Chin up - people can be rude and don't even realise it. Smile sweetly, thank them for their opinion and don't let it cause you any further grief. There's a difference between someone being helpful and constructive, and someone being downright rude and offensive!

Cheers,

I think the trend started when mother's started talking to their children like this: "Oh, sweetie mommy just has to get this done, then we can do whatever you want." I've actually heard that one!
As long as you make it clear to your child that it isn't going to become normal, I don't see why you are doing anything wrong.
I know kids throw tantrums, and I know that sometimes you have to buy milk.
I've walked out of the store mid trip when I had a child with a tantrum.
I would have said "You are doing a good job. Go home and take a rest yourself when he does."

It does feel like as a parent it's hard to win these days. A lot of people out there are very judgmental. I haven't had anyone tell me I'm a bad parent to my face, but I have had people try to tell my kids what to do right in front of me, even when they were behaving appropriately. It's very aggravating, especially as you are already frustrated and embarrassed by your child's behavior! I have to say I have only had negative experiences two or three times. Other times when I'm dealing with tantrums I've gotten encouraging comments, so it just depends I guess.

I so far haven't had anyone say anything too horribly rude before. I've had a lot of eye rolls and sighs. Usually I completely ignore it, but if I'm in a bad mood, I pretty much tell them to mind their own business. I like the idea of being nice and coming up with a witty comment to throw them off, but that never works for me. When I'm frustrated, my brain just doesn't work right. I have actually had two old ladies follow me around the store when my son was a baby, (seriously followed me for like 20 minutes) throwing a bunch of suggestions at me on what i should do to calm him down. they were trying to hand him toys and suggesting he was hungry. I just told him he hadn't had a nap yet and he would be fine.

This same thing happened to my mom when I was 3 and threw a MAJOR on-the-floor-screaming-tantrum. My mom walked away a short distance, keeping me in her sight the entire time, but wanting to send me the message....Boy did she hear it from a number of people (same things you did). That was 33 years ago. I don't think it's a new trend. I think some people think they are the only ones who know how to successfully raise kids. Listen, everyone has an opinion, of course, and some people are just brazen enough to share theirs. I'd wager a bet that, if you were to examine those women's children, you'd find them less-than-perfect. =0)
Whenever I get comments like that, my reaction depends mostly on my mood. =0) Most of the time my focus is so much on my kids, I ignore those around me. Some of the time, if I'm in a fun mood, which is most of the time, I'll quip back something like, "I paid him to do that...." or, "I'm not the one throwing the tantrum...." or "Good job, honey, keep it up and we'll have all the food to ourselves!" =0) If you're really up for it, a quick, seemingly innocent question, asked in a respectful tone, of course, like, "What publisher published your most recent book on successful child raising?"
Do know this, B., it truly won't last forever and someday you'll be helping other women who've been through the same thing find ways to laugh it off, too. =0)
That's my opinion. =0)
Be strong and laugh often,
L., mother of a 2yo and a 4yo, both well-practiced in tantrum throwing (probably got it from their mother....hee...hee)

I think a lot of this attitude probably stems from the trend of people sticking their kids in day care almost from day one and allowing other people to raise them. I think you probably just had the misfortune to run into several people who have no idea what it feels like to have something like that happen in public. My kiddos are younger than yours and we haven't experienced it....yet, but I am sure from talking to others that "It won't last forever." and "Someday, you'll think about this day and laugh." =) Good luck, and way to take care of your kids yourself. It seems like it is becoming more rare all the time. Enjoy those kiddos! =)

B.