Patience: Is It Taught or Developed?

three things
sounds like normal behavior for the age.

Do you leave out sippy cups with water for them all the time, so they are not always needing you when thirsty?

Have you thought about leaving a cup of milk for them in the fridge where they can reach it? --sounds like they are frustrated to be so dependent on you. Maybe try to give them some sort of independence in this area and others, temper tantrums at this age usually stem from them wanting to be cuddled like babies but at the same moment wanting independence--a balance act to say the least!

My heart goes out to you. My son is 2.5 and we have gone through this as well (and still are). I would say patience is both taught and developed. Meaning, it is developmentally normal for them to be impatient, however, you have to teach them how to be patient. If you give in to there demands you will TEACH them how to be impatient. If you give them what they want while they're throwing the tantrum, they will use this method to get what they want. I've found the best approach is to get on eye level and talk calmly but firmly and tell my son I can't understand him while he is so upset. My son must also say please (with no whining) before he gets anything. If using the calm voice does not work I tell him when he finishes throwing his tantrum I would be happy to get him what he needs and then ignore the behavior until he stops. I feel the combination of parenting (not reinforcing the tantrums) and development/emotional maturity the behavior significantly improves. GOOD LUCK!!!

Welcome to the terrible twos! Wanting what they want when they want it and then screaming about it is the whole basis for why they call it that. I believe patience is learned, but you must also learn patience yourself in waiting for them to learn it. It is going to take a long time. My son is three-and-a-half and he is just now seeming to be coming out of the terrible twos, but we still have a tantrum almost daily. But I have become much better at dealing with them (I just instantly time him out by taking him into the bathroom until he calms down) and he is better at pulling himself together.

So, don't worry, your mothering has nothing to do with it - every child goes through this. Just don't expect them to grow out of it any time soon. They will learn that they have to wait for things. They won't like it, but they will learn. There are plenty of adults who also like instant gratification. Remember that your kids are only two, so this is a hard one for them.

Totally normal....but don't jump when they scream....just try to anticipate their needs ahead of time (like keeping drinks available where they can get to them) and explain things to them such as how to behave, etc (and what you have been doing with setting expectations - 5 minutes, etc)- also set a schedule....that works best. They will still cry at times, but at least a routine will help them to know what to expect and when to expect it....so "now is drink time" "now is snack time." I know easier said than done...but sometimes they just want attention or something they can't give themselves and then they get frustrated...but they will have to be taught how to behave. Temper tantrums do not work. I would ignore them and try to always keep them busy with other activities. Don't worry - you have your hands full with two and they are still so young it's bound to get frustrating for you - but yes, terrible two's don't last forever!! :)

I use "Take a deep breath" to help my almost three year old calm himself. I let him see me doing it myself as well. I've done it with him since about a year old. (When either of us is frustrated or upset I ask for a deep breath and the situation is usually calmer and we can proceed.) I tell him "I can't understand you when you're crying" and "You don't get anything for crying." And I mean it. It's been a life saver. Of course he still cries once or twice a day, but he knows how to take a deep breath and talk to me. I honestly would leave the room if he was having a fit. Only attention for positive behavior. And the last few months I've been working on tone of voice. He was getting whiny and demanding and now I just tell him to try again. I'd been only having him try one time and it would get a little better and I'd respond, but once I had him do it four times and it was amazingly better. He really didn't know how annoying he sounded and now he's doing much better...will start a sentence, realize how it sounds, and be much more polite by the end of it. Good luck! D.

Don't get down on yourself. You are doing the best you can and that has to be good enough.
Patience is learned. If you give them what they want when they are screaming or having a temper tantrum, then they have learned (inadvertently) that this is what they need to do to get what they want. Now you have unteach that little nasty and teach them to wait patiently.
My two never got anything if they were screaming. No how. No way. Once they settled down and could ask nicely, they could have it. If we were in a store and they asked for something, I ALWAYS said "not today". I didn't want to get into the trap of them wanting things at the store. Once in a while if they didn't ask, I'd get them a treat. They learned to be good and not to ask for things.
This is going to take some time, but less time than you think. It will get worse before it gets better. Be strong. You cannot let them see you sweat. This is a battle you NEED to win. They are old enough to wait.
YMMV
LBC

If you jump at their every demand you are teaching them to be demanding and selfish. Calmly and firmly tell them to wait. You are not their slave. You have a right to be respected as their mother. They are old enough to understand this. The more you cater to them the more they will cry their demands. If you don't teach them patience, they will grow up to be very selfish people. When they learn that you will not jump to their crys they will cry less. Try to reverse things by asking of them. Reward them for helping you. AF

I think the last line of your post told it all. They are definitely working the system! Their crying causes you to react quickly and they know it. Kids are incredibly good at picking up on your silent cues. They cry and you feel anxious and want to do what you can to make it stop. Unfortunately, and from past experience, the road to making it better will be a tough one. I believe that you will need to desensitize yourself to their tears. Still meet their demands, but don't rush. Do so in a regular fashion. Walk at a normal pace, talk pleasantly (to no one if they are screaming) and ignore the tears. I would only react to tears if they are hurt. When they are using them to get their way just say, "Ouch, your noise is hurting my ears. Please stop" and then walk away. Repeat if necessary. Hum a tune and do some dishes. Acknowledge they are there, but no attention. When they have stopped crying and come to you, which could take awhile if I remember right)say something like "Oh, I like to see your happy face. What did you need?" If the screams return, just go back to step one. They need to learn what behavior warrants your pleasant attention and right now they know that their tears and tantrums bring about action. If they hand you the cup and scream, sit it on the table. Tell them that when they are quiet you will fill the cup. If they throw it, tell them that they will need to get it before you fill it. Quiet voices get rewards. Tears get nothing. It's a long haul, but be consistant for a week or two and things should turn around. Good luck!

They get what they want by screaming because you feel under pressure to get it done to stop the noise. Tell them point blank you don't respond to screaming anymore and they'll just have to wait. In fact, tell them they don't get what they want until they stop screaming and stick to it. End of list.

Imagine what the teenage years will be like if this sort of thing continues? [shudder]

My honest opinion as a mother and a teacher is this is a developing behavior. I have the same problem with my 19 month old. " You want more milk", I say. He says, "Yes, more please." But before I can walk out of the room, or even turn around, he is crying, crying. I tell him, "You need to be more patient please". He gets it sometimes but not always. I model this for him anyway I can, and I try to use the word patient or patience with him so he starts to understand what it means. I guess if it is a learned behavior those would be the ways I would go about teaching it.
I hope this helps or works. Wish I had more concrete advice for ya!
Good Luck,
R.

Your children are pushing your buttons, and if you allow it to go on now, it will continue. I like the ideas the moms have given, about waiting. Be sure to praise each time the twins are able to keep their tempers without tantrums.
With 2 you have to make sure to spend time with each separately as well as together. I would recommend having a teen come over and play with one, while you play with the other. Let them know mom can be fun, as well as giving the orders.
Grandma N.

I think the series the Supernanny should be required of all parents! Try watching the show for tips and then employ them. Keep watching the show because you will need the reinforcement.

I suggest doing a role play where you practice waiting and being patient. I have always said "you need to be patient...please be patient..." and my daughter has definitely caught on. You can work on this by purposely waiting a minute or two and tell them "if you can be patient and wait, with no crying, then you may have your milk AND a special sticker." Always thank them for waiting. After a few sticker rewards you won't have to keep doing the stickers but sometimes they need an incentive to learn the lesson. You can practice patience and waiting with toys, books, out on a walk... Best of luck!

Teaching my daughter the meaning of the word 'wait' has been one of the best things I've ever taught her. She knows that if she waits for a minute I will respond to her request or question.
I don't have an answer for the temper tantrums, except that 'moving fast enough' is just giving in to their screaming fits. You are obviously responding to their screaming, and they know it.

Hi A....to me, it sounds just like the terrible two's, and it is probably worse for you since you have two of them. My third child turned two last month and we hit the terrible two's last fall with him. It is overnight that they are happy and then no longer happy! And scary. My other son, who will be 4 in a few weeks, was really good at his terrible two's! I wasn't sure we would both survive it!! But they do! It is a tough year, but just stick with it and don't let the stress get the better of you!! I normally try to get in my sons's face too and talk calmly to quiet him down and then figure out what he needs and tell him I am working on it. Good luck!

It is definitely learned. It takes repetition and time for them to get the concept. When you take the bottles, hold up your finger and tell them calmly "Wait. Either you wait without crying, or I will wait until you're done crying." I used this concept in several forms to just generally get my older son to communicate instead of crying. My little one isn't there yet, but I'm hoping it works with him too.

A.,

It sounds like you already have a lot of good advice, and "Yes" patience is learned (or more accurately - inpatience is learned). My girls are 10mos apart (not twins, so I get to go through the developmental stages back to back instead of together...) When the oldest was about your children's age we started the "temper tantrum free zone" which is anywhere I am. My girls get 3 warnings to stop the temper tantrum (for anything - the list is extensive and impressive <g>) or they can go sit somewhere "until you can pull yourself back together." I will then either get them what was promised, or they STILL won't get what was denied. "Move onto something else..." I got the idea from 1-2-3 Magic (forgot the author). The tears, repetitive requests, whining, etc. are harassment and should be treated as such. My one daughter used to throw a FIT if I picked her up from school(read day care) and didn't have her "milk." My husband came from home for them and would have a sippy of pediasure for one and milk for the other (my daughter was on high calorie too). I come to school from work to get them and do not have the requisite drinks. One day she screamed so much, that I counted her down, since I couldn't pull the drinks out of thin air. I pulled into a neighborhood on the way home, calmly parked the car, took her out of the car seat, and put her in time out on the side walk. There she sat for 2 full min (after she stopped crying) while I stood at the back of the car. We got home and she told Daddy we were late because she had time out. The girls are now 3 and 3 (almost 4) and understand "in a minute...not today...etc.,...oh, and 1-2-3."

Good luck. It will probably be worse when you first get REALLY firm with the limits, but like another mother said, "this is one battle you have to win." It's the only way to save your sanity AND theirs.

S.

Ahh. The terrible 2's.... patience is definitely learned.

My daugher (2 1/2) is going through this stage too. Drives my hubby nuts!!! She does the EXACT same things that you mention. My hubby can't jump fast enough, anything to make it stop!! He even is trying to anticipate things to avoid the crying altogether with no luck. He may headoff one thing, but not the other.

When she does it to me, I take a different approach. I stand there, unmoving until she stops. 'Are you done crying? I can't pour the milk, (insert request here), while you're crying'... 'okay mommy'. She stops, I pour, out of the room she goes happy for 30 secs. until she sees the toy that she put down to go get milk has been picked up by brother (7). Ok... again, I make her stop crying before I ask brother to give up the toy, or help her find another.

it sounds like your children are ruling you. you are the boss, not them. if it takes you a little while longer to do something then it does. just ask them to be patient. don't give them what they want until they stop screaming or kicking or whatever it is they do. you just have to ignore the tantrums. if you respond to screaming/etc.. then they know it works and will continuing to use it as a device to get what they want. all kids are different and some take longer than others but, unless there are other developmental factors to consider, they will eventually give it up when they realize that it doesn't get them what they want. it's grating on the nerves and you just want to make it stop, i know (i have a 3 and 1/2yr, a 2yr, and 12 week old). but hang in there! you'll make it better for yourself, in the long run, if you can be tough now!! good luck!

My son went through a phase (terrible 2's or 3's?) when we'd be at home, and there was nothing wrong and he'd just start screaming over absolutely nothing. He wasn't tired, wasn't hungry, wasn't in pain, didn't need changing, wasn't bored, wasn't frustrated over anything. He never did it anywhere but at home alone with me. Never with Daddy. He was a perfect angel at daycare. I didn't respond to it (other than to check to make sure nothing was wrong) but it had been going of for a few weeks and I was getting really tired of it. Finally, we were home alone together and he had started in, and I gave up and started yelling with him (not at him). No words just "Aaahhhh" same as him, just as loud as him, nothing angry about it, just going through the motions. After a while he looked at me, then tried to get louder (I matched him - we almost harmonized). Then he stopped and told me "Mommy - that's very annoying.". I told him "Yes it is. Why don't we both stop and find something else to do" and that was the end of it. I never found out why he did it in the first place.