Advice for 10 Yr Old Daughter That Is Lacking in the Respect Department!

I really don't have any advice for you as I am in a similar situation. Only my daughter is only 7 and has been this way since she was 5 but has gotten worse recently. I don't know what to do. The one hope I do have is that she genuinly seems like she wants to be respectful but just talks before she thinks about it. Or maybe that's just me hoping. :) I just wanted you to know you're not alone and I really do understand how I think you are feeling.

Hi S., My Younger brother has ADD. He is 25 now, still has it, but he has outgrown the disrespect. Here is what I learned from him. Your daughter feels broken, inadequate, so she compensates by acting superior. Give her as much love and attention as she will let you. And when she disrespects you, do not react. Instead, act the part of a calm intellectual. Make eye contact, raise your eyebrow and say nothing. Or calmly say, "Excuse me, but I didn't hear you, what did you say?" The important thing is for you and all others concerned to remain in control of your responses. She will see that you still have all the power, that you are the adult.
Also, even if this does not work, you must relax for your own health. Every time it happens, take a deap breath or two and remind yourself that life doesn't have to be perfect, that you love your daughter, and that she will outgrow this. :)

S.,

Your daughter could probably benefit from social training. Ask your daughter's counselor for recommendations.

It's not uncommon that folks with ADD don't realize the social impact of what they do or say. Folks with ADD are also prone to having increased sensitivity to sensory stimulation, so your daughter may feel she is simply "responding in kind" to you.

I wholeheartedly agree that ADD should not excuse her behavior, but she will need extra training and support in learning how to interact socially with her family and friends. She will thank you a million times over if you are successful in helping her develop good "people skills".

My heart just broke when I read that you couldn't wait to go to work so that you could get away from her. I can very much relate to feeling that way, and the guilt that comes with it.

Give yourself a big bear hug for reaching out for help with this.

D. T

S.,

I have a 10 year old son who is also very disrespectful to the whole family. We have tried many different thing to try to find out why hes so angry. I recently read a book called Home Improvement "Eight Tools For Effective Parenting" It has some awesome Ideas and a whole chapter plus on how to deal with the issues You and Your Daughter are facing. Has it gotten worse since you found out you were ill she could be lashing out because of that also. Having a child who know there parent is in danger of leaving or dying can cause many emotional issues with your daughter. When my husband was deployed to Irqu my kids spent a ton of time in counseling and were very emtional over the fact that there Daddy may get killed or not make it home... I hope that this info helps and lets you know you are not alone. God bless and you are all in our prayer.

You are going into the pre-teen years. The ones where many parents don't like their children! It's sounds like she is an early devoloper too.
Is there anyone she has learned this from? Ensure that nobody else in your life treats you like this so she can learn that you will insist on respect. Then insist on it. Talk to her about tone of voice and how it makes you feel, then agree on cue words that you can use anywhere. Let her know when she takes it one step too far. My oldest is 15 and loves to banter with his dad but is still learning where the fun line is. It is his responcibility to pay attention and not get into trouble. He gets the "your pushing it" look, The "end it now" comment which is just 'OK', and finaly we will say 'that's enough' comment which is his cue to exit the seine right now. At that point he will be treated with all the love and respect of a misbehaving 3 yo and will be marched to his room by an adult for a lecture, time out, whatever.
And find something she cares about. Not to take it away but to be passionate. Can she volunteer? What kind of people or things does she not treat like this? Maybe children, animals? She needs to get away from you too!
How is your illness affecting her? Is she lashing out because of it. If you can get her to talk (or yell it) she may need to get her feelings out another way. Sugest these to her counciler as well.

Hi S.,

I don't know if this response will be posted, but I can make some unprofessional suggestions for your problem at this point.

Your daughter has been diagnosed with ADD. Is she taking adderol or any of the other pharmaceuticals? Alot of times ADD can be intensified from diet. Sugars, wheats, milk products, and artificial colors and ingredients are the worst. The artificial colors seem to really set my son off so that he cannot control his body or actions. There is some really great information regarding diet and the ADD connection. It's just a suggestion, but attempting to try a whole foods diet (for the whole family so that she does not feel singled out) really can help to "ground" her.

Also, there is a chance that she may be what is called an "indigo child." Often mistaken as ADD, they are headstrong and strong willed. They know their purpose when they come into this world and have direct connection to universe often times extremely intutitive. They are born with their chakra system fully functional (most of us only operate out of the seven basic ones) and have direct connection to universal flow of consciousness via the twelfth chakra (hence the name "Indigo") YOucan definitely find more information online about this and Lee Carroll has had a hand in writing a book called "Indigo Children" which is about how to understand them and how to help them through. It is diffuclt to be Indigo. There is also an incredible movie made by Neale Donald Walsh called Indigo. Most movie stores should have it.

Other than that, if you haven't already, try to become friends with her. let her know that you value her opinion with family matters. Talk with her and try to avoid talking at her. She is really needing to know that you respect her so that she can learn how to respect you. Don't count her as separate fromyour problems. That is how my mother and I made it through some very difficult times.

I send you both love and hope that anything I have said has helped. May Peace be with you and your family.

So since she was diagnosed wiht add did you guys decide to take the meds route? I was diagnosed with adhd when i was younger and sometiems i still see some of it in my behavior. I know that my parents were super opposed to the meds and they decided to change my diet and see ifthat helped. I believe it did. They made sure i did not get ANYTHING with RED food dye in it, which ar alot of things but that and heavily processed foods are a sure trigger. I thin unfortunatly though that she will have to realise something in herself before she can find how to control it. Like i said i still see it in my sometimes andhave to keep it in check. I did notice a big change also after i started going to church. Now that is a route you will have to decide on your own. I hope thishelps some. Start the nor red dye campagin and wage war of the rollerocoaster ride that is her emotions

Does she hear this kind of dialog given to her? Is she learning it from feeling the need to fight back first? You are going to have to be the patient one and set her down and tell her how the way she is acting really hurts mom and it makes her look like a bad person and you know she is not. I feel that you want to hurt me, do you want to hurt me, why?
If she knows about your illness, you will have to work through that as she is trying to close herself off emotionally so not to feel the hurt.

I am curious if it has anything to with the divorce?
I was a HORRIBLE teenager and my mom realized that the behavior was worse after visiting my father. The change in rules and what was expected of me between the two households was putting a big stress on me. My mom never knew there was a problem until she noticed the pattern and confronted me. We then altered the visiting pattern and she gave me more space when I came back so I could adjust. That was the first step in fixing my major attitude problem.
So is it possible that there is a hidden stress she is under that she may be acting out? Another thought is family counseling so that the counselor would be hearing from you what is actually happening at home not just what she is willing to share on her own.

I wonder if her attitude stems from a feeling of no control over her life. Maybe she is feeling replaced or eclipsed by the baby? And if she knows about your illness, maybe she is trying to cover up her fear of losing you. Have you tried doing something totally out of the ordinary that completely focuses on her, like spending a mom/daughter weekend away where you do only fun things the two of you plan together? If no punishments or discussions are working, maybe a radical, positive approach will shock her into looking at you in a different way. And possibly open up a time where she can reveal to you how she's feeling. She may not even know.

Just a thought...good luck with everything, many healing blessings for you.

Hi S., I have a feeling your 10 year old may have unexpressed fear and anxiety over a new baby in the house, but especially over your condition. Kids act out often when a parent becomes ill. I study psychology, and think counseling for both of you together would change your lives. You don't have to stick with the first therapist you speak with. Really find the right one for the two of you. A therapist can help you with some ground rules that might help you. A therapist will show you some support.
I have a 13 year old step-daughter. It gets worse. Alot worse. My husband and her mother are now looking into therapy. But it's gone so far. It's best to nip it quick before they get older.
Good luck!

Hi S.,

I have a 13 year old daughter who can be and usually is very disrespectful as well. My daughter was also diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago and I agree that the diagnosis should not be used as excuse all the time. Having said that, I believe that ADD does affect the way children behave and respond. My daughter does not realize that she is being rude and only when I quietly point out why her answer/behavior is rude does she realize it. It doesn't do much good to take all the privilages away if she doesn't understand what the problem is.

Have patience, I know that your current medical condition makes it harder but you can do this. Don't expect your daughter to behave better because of your new diagnosis, in fact, the opposite is more likely. I was diagnosed with breast cancer last April and my children acted out quite a bit as a direct result of the upsetting news.

Good luck to you.

S., So sorry to hear about your illness. This is probably stressful for the children as well. See the book "Children are Worth It" by Barbara Coloroso. She has lots of helpful advice. D.

She is probably feeling displaced by the new baby and feels like she doesn't fit in with the family anymore. Try activities with her where just the two of you can have fun and bond. Set up weekly nature hikes, or a weekend getaway, or weekly dinner out. Something where it is just you two and you are giving her ALL your attention. I can tell you from my own experience that it takes a lot to convince a preteen you love her sometimes. Just try to lay off the yelling and the grounding and find out WHY she does it. Tell her it hurts your feelings when she speaks that way and maybe agree that you will both work on speaking nicely to each other.

I feel for you. I have two daughters ten and thirteen. Currently it is the 13 year old we are struggling with but it goes back and forth. When my second turned 10 I remembered how difficult of an age it is to get along with.
I really suggest the nutritional advice people have given to you is good and you should research it!!! I would also add essential fatty acids from healthy oils to the diet especially cod liver oil The Indigo children are with us and it is a good perspective to be knowledgable about when you have a super powerful girl to raise. Certainly don't want them to lose that sense of power. ADD is another element in your struggle and I really agree that it should not be used as an excuse for disrespect. You are doing a good job of having standards and expectations to achieve and live up to. Also it is a good time to watch some chick flicks and just snuggle. With a seven month old couch time is probably something you do so just include her in it. I found when I got divorced that time spent snuggling and using physical touch in things as simple as washing and styling hair, filing and painting nails and reading aloud all helped. Please let me know if you want some movie or book suggestions you can both share.
Peace
H.

It kinda sounds like she's acting out at all the big changes in her life. Divorce and a new baby are enough to make a kid feel "disposable", like you are trying to replace her. She may also be reacting to your disease, as if she's naughty you won't be able to leave her (assuming she is aware of your condition). Take some one-on-one time with her; see if she wants to talk about how she feels inside about things. At the very least, pretend things are the way they used to be for a few hours; it may renew her sense of security.

S.,

What you're decribing with your 10 year old, is exactly how my dad would have described me at 13.

You might want to try sitting down and talking with her in a calm moment when neither of you is angry about anything just let her know that she's really hurting you when she's disrespectful.

The one thing that irritated me the most was when my dad took everything away from me. It got to the point where I'd just go do things when he wasn't around (that was a lot of the time) and not tell him.

Hope this helps, don't really know what else to tell you, my kids are 4 1/2 and 1 year.

You must be really frustrated. I feel for you.
How long has this problem been going on?
Ten years is an interesting age. She may be acting up because she feels like she doesn't fit, or is responding to her step-father, new brother, and your illness and stress. Some kids end up being more difficult when they are having a hard time emotionally.

You may want to try just sitting down and talking with her about the situation. I'd try taking her out of the house just you and her and spending a couple of hours just the two of you-no fighting, or responding to her snips. find a coffee shop or somewhere to sit with her and talk. She may respond to having some one on one time with you and feeling important/special. She may surprise you with insight into why she is behaving the way she is, and what can be done to get her to feel better about her role in the family and behave better around the house.

I used to teach adolescents and learned that I usually got further with them by trying to negotiate the path together with them rather than battle it out. Surprisingly, I found that when I asked children to explain to me what their behavior should be, and what consequences they deserved when they misbehaved they were usually appropriate and fair.

good luck!