Adult Sibling Relationships Different than You Expected?

My family is like that on my mom's side. I used to see my aunt, uncle and cousins all the time growing up until my grandma died (15 year ago). After that everyone just stopped seeing eachother. I saw my cousin for the first time in close to 10 years the other day at her high school graduation. It is really sad.

I have a brother and we used to be super super close. We still talk and hang out and he is involved in my son's life but compared the other siblings who see each other all the time and are like best friend we arent like that. My husband and his sister used to be extremely close until they got into a fight about a year and half ago (she was partying too much and he got worried and she got mad that he got worried). But his mom and her sisters are very close.

I think all families are different

and this is why the "because they need a sibling" reasoning for having lots of kids never washes with me. i am from a family of four. we love each other and get along great. but we are all spread out (geographically) as well, and when we get together it's great, BUT i don't consider any of my siblings my best friends like i wish i could. we don't see each other on a weekly or even monthly basis, more like on holidays or when someone needs to move. and yes, inlaws are a lot of the problem. that's when it started getting complicated. some families are close. others aren't. everyone is different and there's no way you can predict how it will end up. i would suggest keeping contact as much as you can - in our family there is one in every generation who is the "planner" for those kinds of things, in my family it's me. if i never planned things, no one would ever see each other. so maybe it's you, in your family. keep at it. family IS important, even if we don't always appreciate them. good luck!

First you have to realize that once the boys get married, they are going to go along most part with the wife's side (maybe your brother's wife is more close to her family and keeps pulling him that way)

Your sisters live further away so time, money and so forth might be a problem. It hurts to live so far away, but try not to think of it as a relationship problem.

Have you tried moving closer to them or even your parents for a sense of family?

I think sometimes spouses can really change the dynamic of family relationships and unfortunately not always for the best. A spouse may not be interested in having a close family or for some reason just not care for a family member and be selfish enough to basically control the relationship. Just focus on your own family and friends and get together with your family when you can. best of luck

The problem 'might' be, the Spouse.
Maybe your Brother's Wife, is the one that monopolizes what they do or who they see?????

Or maybe he is just not all warm and fuzzy.
Some people don't have those heart strings.

And, you can't force relationships.
Unless it is a 2 way street.
And it also has to do with 'expectations.'
If it is attainable or not.

Or, you just talk to your Brother in a cool way, not all like you are irked. Men don't do well with that kind of 'conversation.'
See what he says.
Maybe he doesn't even know you feel that way or expect those things???
Men, often don't think.

Or, YOU plan family reunions.
Then tell them.
And you connect with them.
But if they are not into it, then well, you can't force it.
Or tell ALL your siblings, about your feelings on it.

My family/relatives are not close. They are just that way. We see them at funerals or seasonal occasions. Not other than that. Only 1 cousin in my family even attempts, to have get togethers. But she is that way. Nice and warm and fuzzy. So we invite them too.
My siblings do not have kids, anyway.

I have NO 'expectations' onto my other relatives/family for being all 'close' and warm and fuzzy. It is just not them.
My kids are fine. Most of my family is spread out around the world. My kids don't have cousins their age anyway. (ie: my cousin's kids), Or they are too far away and they NEVER come and visit us even if we have invited them.
Too irritating to keep trying.
They are one sided. I know that. So whatever.

I don't feel 'lonely' for family. I have my family. My kids are fine. We have lots of friends.

You can't pine away for family, that is just not there. Or refuse to be there.

I see this with my younger brother who spent the majority of his time with his STBEW's family. But even before that he did not engage with me or my older brother, largely because he felt intimidated and competitive with us. He still feels like he's lost some imagined race.

I like Hazel's answer. I think you choose individuals around you as your 'heart family' (I like that phrase-I'm gonna steal it!).

Stay as connected as you can without feeling compromised, keep your expectations in check and be the best person you can be. Best of luck to you.

Hi K.,

Yes I have I am the family oriented one of my siblings and since I have half brothers and sisters its extta hard for me too. Have live in Illinois and the other half lives in Tennessee. We speak about getting together but it doesnt happen. Not that they dont want to its just that I feel they do not motivate themselves financially to take the trips. I stop takibg the trips so they can push their efforts and so our kids can know each other but it doesn't work like that. Usually want happens is their kids will call and say they want to visit but their parents do not fit the bill. Two of one of my siblings kids are about to move here and my sibling called saying that they misd me and is planning to move their family closer. I think its ok until the siblings decide that they really want to be closer one of my youngest siblings just moved here in May so it can happen. You dont have to press the issue. If you have a sibling near you thats better than nothing try to stay close & do things like families do the other ones will jump on it at their own time. Good luck

The fact of the matter is that the will almost always go with the wife's family. The woman is usually in control of the family plans and who she wants to spend her time with is HER family. I see it in my own family too-my brothers are way less close to my parents and eachother than my sister and myself. It is one of the things that worries me the most about having 2 boys. There is a good chance that I will be the outcast as well.

I think your only hope to get closer to your brother is to find a way to get closer to your SIL. If you lived nearer to your sisters I have no doubt you would be hanging out with them.

I was pleasantly surprised with how I was excepted back into the swing of things, when I found out I was pregnant with my first. I never thought I would have any type of relationship with my sisters. I was the ''Black'' sheep in the family.

When I had my first I realized how much I needed everyone.

My older sister had her first baby year year ago April. I thought since she had been present for all three of my babies being born, that I would have the pleasure of being there for her's. NOPE. They had this very personal, private delivery. I was so hurt. Especially since she knows that I am going to be going to school for this stuff. It was just how ''They'' had wanted it.

I am very involved with my family. My close family(other then big sister)live within fifteen minutes from our house. We see them at least one a week, if not more.

I wish my little sister was done with her..young, dumb and only about me part of life she is in. I miss the High school days where she would come over and just hang out. She stopped doing that once she got into college:(

I like that social media and networking puts most of family at my finger tips. I like that I feel somewhat connected to people who I normally would not be able to connect with. I do however feel the disservice it brings, keeping those who I would normally connect with in person at the same level as someone who is far away...giving excuse to not have to connect in person.

Yes, I have had some of this. I am one of three children. As children, I would not describe my relationship with my siblings as "close", as it implies intimacy and vulnerability. As a child, I "got along best" with my sister and we spent most of our time together. Also, as a child, I was in constant conflict with my brother.

Now, as adults, I find that I am truly "close" with my brother despite our conflict growing up, but I am not at all close with my sister despite getting along so well as children. I have learned that growing into adulthood includes growing into certain values and priorities. It is clear that my sister has not grown into valuing intimate relationships with her siblings. We still get along well, but we are certainly not close. There is nothing I can do about that, except choosing to be vulnerable with her myself with no expectation that this vulnerability will be reciprocated. It's hard and it's sad, but there is nothing more I can do.

My encouragement to you is to continue to invest in your family if that is important to you. And by investment, I refer to giving love, encouragement, support, and intimacy. But you cannot expect any reciprocation. People are free willed agents.

I have 5 children, and 5 siblings (not counting step siblings, which would add 5 more). My main wish for my children is that when they are grown they have a good relationship. So far (ages 22 - 1) they do. And I have a very close relationship with my sibs --- we're not speaking every day, but often. Even if I DO NOT get along with one of the in laws. I would feel like a total failure as a parent if my kids did not keep close as sibs. And I cannot imaging not being close with my sibs, disagreement with their spouse or not. I am sorry if that is not the answer you are looking for, but I just think that you should be able to work it out with family no matter what happens. I would try to work it out. Good luck!!!

It's happened to our family too. It's a big heart ache for me! I do have a couple sisters I'm close to, but there are a few that I'm not...by their choice. I have eight sisters, and we used to all be very close. People often compared us to "Little Women"...hehe. I've had to accept that some of my sisters simply aren't interested. They have gone down a much different path than me, but I didn't think it should mean a breaking of relationships. it's a very complicated situation, but I have felt so sad and lonely over losing some of my best friends. They do live really far from me so email/phone calls is the only way to do much. There's not a lot of interest. I have no advice. Just love them as actively as they will allow and hopefully they'll be ready one day. Oh, and some of the issue is definitely the hubbies. One hubby pretty much took my sister completely away from everyone. He seems to despise all of us (?!!). And my other sister's husband is similar. He has a strange lack of emotional connection to people in general. Anyway, as I said - very complicated, but the spouses definitely play a role in some of it.