I'm feeling pretty sad today. I am searching for a way to feel at peace with the relationships that I have with my siblings. I'm in CO, so is my brother, and I have twin sisters- one lives in ME and one lives in NY. We were all super close growing up, but now we are all in our 40s with families of our own, and it's not so great. My brother is married to a nice lady, but she puts all of her effort into her family (which I know can be somewhat typical), so the relationship is pretty one sided- if we invite them somewhere, they will often go, but it is never reciprocated and they miss many holidays because they are with her family. My sisters are super close to each other (makes sense, they are twins). So the majority of their efforts go into spending time with each other. And both of them are married to men who I don't like at all. No one really likes these guys (including my parents, who spent a lot of time trying to deny this and find nice things to say- they don't like to talk about it but these guys aren't very nice to my parents). And my husband hates all of my siblings, and I have to say that no one really likes him either (my parents do).
So as crappy as all of that sounds, there is no outright awfulness that goes on. We are not a family who can scream and yell and have it out but be fine in the end. We are big bury it under the rug folks. We can get together and be civil. I love texting my sisters and talking on the phone with them, and I do think my brother is really nice, just frustrating that he doesn't prefer to spend any time with us.
So the sister from ME and her family came out for a long weekend and just left this morning- they stayed at my house. It was ok the first day or two, and then things got pretty passive aggressive and just tense. Luckily, my husband was out of town for work so that made me not worry about the guy conflict making things worse. Basically, it just wasn't fun and I was relieved that they left. How sad is that? There was one blow up when my BIL asked my dad "did you see the t-shirt your born and raised in Denver daughter is wearing? Did you? Ha ha!" (my dad loved spending Sundays when we were kids with us all watching Broncos games, but she is now a Patriots fan since she lives in Maine). It was a mean and hurtful thing to say and I lashed out, which I hated and felt awful later. And I have to admit I didn't just directly ask why he would say such a hurtful thing to my dad, I was passive aggressive myself.
So I'm super sad today that this is how our family is. It seems so fake that I can get along with my sisters only when we are on opposite sides of the country and basically only communicating over the phone. But I'm coming to realize that this may be my reality. My questions to you all is can any of you relate to this? Are you sad or disappointed in how your relationships are now? Have you been able to come to peace with it and just enjoy the good parts of your relationship and let go of the rest? Once, a couple of years ago, I did tell my sisters that I realized our husbands don't get along, but I didn't want that to get in our way (this was huge for my bury it under the rug family!). But beyond that, I just don't know how to come to terms with the way things are and feel ok with it. I know I haven't been perfect either, so I'm certainly not a victim, I just don't know what to do... Thanks for reading and I'm looking forward to the wisdom you all always share.
Thank you all so much for sharing your stories, it has helped a lot in making me realize that our family is pretty normal in this regard, and that to expect every relationship to be flawless is just not realistic. I love the comment of "varying degrees of closeness," this is what I need to accept, that my relationship with each person in my family will be different. And also that I should just focus on the relationships with my siblings, which will be the easiest to maintain.
I wanted to put the t-shirt comment in context, I realize without it, it sounds petty! BIL is from ME and moved to CO for college, this is where he met my sister. Over the years, he has made many comments to my parents about how they raised her, but he is responsible for how she is now- he "got" her to go from conservative to liberal, "got" her to stop being Catholic, etc. Hurtful comments that weren't subtle, saying that he changed her from how they raised her to his way of thinking. So I couldn't care less about the football part of it, it was another dig at how he convinced her to abandon everything she liked or believed in when being raised by them. So it had nothing to do with football, and everything to do with hurting my father's feelings, but I realize the story itself lacked that clarity- sorry! And it was the example I thought of because I don't usually blow up, and still feel weird that I did!! Thanks again everyone!
You and they have grown - and grown apart.
Accept it and move on.
My sister and I have never got along - and we never will.
We share a time zone - and even that's a little too close as far as I am concerned.
I'm not sad or disappointed at all.
I don't need or want or desire any of the drama that just comes with my sister.
Kids and adults are completely different. You really can't expect things to be the way you think they were when you were young. And sometimes we remember things in a better light than they actually were. Once you get married, you're no longer the "primary" relationship in each other's lives, which is normal. If you don't have much in common to start with, this isn't suddenly going to change, and if spouses don't like each other's spouses, that's an issue.
Why does your husband not like your siblings? Does he have a point? I don't like one of my in-laws, but the reasons are concrete and valid, not just "a feeling". Does he actually have a REAL, concrete, why-would-anyone-put-up-with-this reason for not liking them? If so, then you are trying to create something that isn't there and hiding from the reality of the relationship.
And I have to ask - re. the BIL blow-up - you wrote "did you see the t-shirt your born and raised in Denver daughter is wearing? Did you? Ha ha!" and said this was "mean and hurtful" - HOW is that mean and hurtful? It sounded like teasing. If this is really what happened and you blew up at it, there's a LOT more going on that you need to figure out.
You stated several times that your family "buries things under the rug". I'm wondering if there's a LOT of stuff under the rug that you need to stop and deal with.
I know you are sad, and I sympathize, but I seriously don't understand anyone's -- yours or your dad's -- feelings actually getting hurt over the comment, "Did you see the t-shirt your born and raised in Denver daughter is wearing?"
Really? Am I just not enough of a football fan, or do people actually get emotionally wounded when someone teases them about wearing the t-shirt of a rival football team?
This wouldn't even register on my radar of things to be offended by.
I have one brother. He is younger than me and lives several states away. My SIL runs that house so my brother's family isn't a priority for them. My SIL isn't a very warm and fuzzy person and doesn't think very highly of my parents or myself. Which is fine because honestly, she isn't one of my favorite people either.
I don't have much in common with my brother but I do love him because he's my brother. I have tried very hard not to rock the boat because I do want to have some type of relationship with my niece and nephew. I never said anything negative about my brother or SIL around our kids because I wanted them to have a good relationship with them. However, my brother said and did a couple of things a couple of years ago that really hurt my daughter. While she has forgiven him, she will never forget and keeps more of a distance from him.
Since I live in the South and they live up North, they think it is okay to make "southern" jokes. My brother and SIL make it known that they are above us because we live in the South. Whatever! Now my niece thinks its okay to call us "rednecks".
So, what do I do? We call each other a couple of times a month. I don't really talk to SIL that much. I call my brother at work or on his cell. We see each other once every couple of years. Although I will say, I am making an effort to see them at least once a year. I'm trying.
Well, my mom had 6 kids. The 3 oldest died entering their 30s. I have an older sis and younger bro and I used to be the "buffer". It got to the point I told them enough. Now I get along fine with each. They both drive me nuts, and I honestly think if I was with them for more than a day they would drive me up the wall. We are a very opinionated bunch though our dad taught us that your opinion counts and you are entitled to it--though you might get an argument :)
On the other hand, my husband is hurt with the way his brothers and sisters cut him off. They used to be very close. When we got married, we were always visiting and doing things. His sisters came here in 94 and they were visitng often. We don;t quite understand what happened. When he had surgery in 2006, not one of them bothered to ask how he was. Not one seemed to care that he could not even walk for a week. But then it smoothed over. Now thought he has had no contact with his younger brothers for several months. His older sister has not called or talked to him for 2 years (last time we saw her was my son's 1st b-day). They often get together for Christmas and we are not included.
I sometimes get jealous that a friend of mine posts familial get togethers on her facebook. I really wish my husband had that. he misses it.
It's pretty much what I want to be, but I work at it. I treat my relationships with my siblings like I do my close friendships. So I make time, we travel, we are there for them, etc.
I view them more as friends than siblings now that we're older.
The big thing for me (and maybe for you from your post) is that when I was with a guy my family didn't approve of or like, they were not really receptive to having us around. By myself, it was fine - but it was always hard as a couple. As it would be.
When I married my husband, and they all love him, it was far easier. They just naturally relaxed because he was an addition to the family - he fit in.
So - we vacation together - but we pick a neutral place, it's never someone organizing it all or entertaining everyone. It's fun and relaxing for everyone.
We also make a point of seeing each other without our spouses. We go home to visit my mother without them sometimes. It's a whole other dynamic.
It is what it is:( I'm glad you still at least talk and visit with your siblings--many people don't even do that. Could you, your mom, and your sisters plan a girls weekend away somewhere?? Things can get complicated with spouses, kids, etc...
My family relationships are rather straggled and spread out. We live rather far from family, which is good for a number of reasons. Short visits are often best.
I have many siblings-- all halves or steps. Some of those relationships just fizzled as our parents divorced or just general lack of interest. One sister, I am close to-- she and I didn't grow up together but sort of rediscovered each other about 13 years or so ago. She is always busy, we joke that she can manufacture time- and she and her husband have three kids, homeschool, are actively involved in their church and are preparing to become a foster family. With all of this, she has less time for me than ever, but I know she's happy and that makes me happy. I have enough support that the spaces in between our conversations don't get me down.
I also have a sibling who it's very difficult to be around. We both grew up with an abusive and devastating parent and I think we remind each other of that awful time. It's unpleasant to be with her for a number of reasons but the biggest problem is that we are at different levels of maturity and healing. When you survive something like our childhood, you really don't want reminders around.. you just want to forget about it. If she were yearning for connection, I would respond-- I have tried, she remains distant, so I let it go.
I don't think there is any sort of perfect way of being family to each other. We are humans and therefore, messy sorts of creatures-- at least emotionally. Like others, we have created a loving family of friends for Kiddo. He has two grandpas who love him and two grandmas who adore him and cousins everywhere when we do gather together. It's rare this happens, (twice a year) but I am happy that he has these memories of love and belonging. To me, that's what matters.
I'm sure there are many other examples that would illustrate your feelings about your BIL, so I do apologize if it feels like I'm nitpicking this one example.
Please understand that families are different. What your BIL said to your father would, in many, many families, never be considered an insult or even anything to get upset about. So she's following the team where she lives. That is not a statement about your father or those memories. It really isn't.
My husband's family is like that. They are loud and opinionated and say whatever they feel. And the say they fully expect others to do the same. They even say they would respect me more if I would just tell them what I think instead of being so nice and tactful all the time. Bull!!! The few times that I've done that have not ended welll ... well, except for the fact that we did patch things up. Believe me, I learned my lesson. This is a family that can dish it out but cannot take it. My husband firmly believes that it stems from insecurities.
Maybe your BIL feels like he has to prove that your sister is happy with him by proving that his way is better. Sad! Because really, she is the person he married in a large part because of her family.
Just some food for thought. If you are able to understand a bit better why people are the way they are, it helps you accept and love them and find ways to embrace who they are and have happier relationships.
I guess I am pretty fortunate reading a lot of these responses and your story. I was raised as a military brat and the second oldest of five. My older sister has never lived with us long-term once our dad retired. For a lot of years she stayed at "home" in Boston, then she moved to MD for a few months, then to PA, and now in SC. Regardless of where she has lived, we have seen her at least 3-4 times per year. More when it was PA.
My brother 19 months younger than I am moved to VA (3 hours away) in July. We have seen him several times since then...that's still doable for a drive for Thanksgiving or something. His fiance lives near her family still, but they do a great job of splitting the holidays so far.
My brother younger than him lives with our parents still...he is battling PTSD but slowly improving.
My youngest sister lives 10 minutes from all of us and I feel like I see her the least. Her husband is not a favorite of any one in our family. We even ran in to them sledding yesterday and my son wanted to go down with his uncle...but he wouldn't go. He let my son borrow the slide, but wouldn't go with him. It wasn't a big deal, just another one of those weird things.
However, I don't let my dislike for him alter my relationship with her at all...I love and respect her and her choices, and I'm here for her when she needs me.
We are also a very sarcastic family and would say things like your BIL said without thinking twice. My family (parents and siblings) are huge Pats fans...Boston is home for us. My older sister is now a Redskins fan more because her husband is and my younger sister cheers for the Rams because her husband likes them - but they still root for the Pats also. We wouldn't think twice about that kind of comment.
I know lots of people who aren't close to their siblings. But in your case, I bet things could be fine with your sisters if you visit with just them. I like my BIL but he's way older and smarter and works nonstop and when I was young, I wasn't so great with him. So I'm very nice and respectful and he's a great husband but I don't talk to him all that much. But I do my sister. We have our own relationship. We live far but visit once a year and the rest of the time it's on the phone. Expecting spoused to also get along is sometimes too much. So go visit them alone or see if they'll meet you. If my BIL was always involved, it wouldn't work. Not that he's not fine. But we're not a natural fit and it's much easier my sister and I. So I'd try that.
I was upset about it for awhile, but now I'm over it.
My family-of-choice and my close friends are my priority. I am very close with my sister-in-law, too, but that's mainly because we are alot alike in certain ways and just have fun together. If we weren't super compatible that would be OK too.
I have finally stopped caring about all the undercurrents in my FOO (family of origin). That's just not my life anymore.
In old times people would move continents and never see their FOOS again, much less be super enmeshed in their comings and goings.
Bloom where you're planted.
ETA: I have no problem when people are close with their FOO - it can be a great blessing. But it's not that way for everyone, and expecting it to be a certain way can set you up for disappointment and frustration. Sometimes we have to embrace our reality rather than the "ideal" that is presented by society and the media.
I've one of five and four of us live within a half hour of eachother (one lives about 2 hours away) and we almost never see eachother now that my mom has passed away. One of my siblings lives less than 5 miles away and we hardly even see eachother.
We all get along, some have spouses we like, some have spouses we're not crazy about. One of my siblings follows a religion that's very, very opposite the one we were all raised in, I'm the super conservative one, my brothers are super liberal and my sisters are somewhere in between. A few of my siblings took a political bumper sticker off my car years ago during a presidential election cycle and I would never think of doing the same - although many of them have stickers on their cars. One of my brother's unfriended me on facebook becuase he couldn't stand my conservative posts (I never call names, but will state what I think is a logical reason for disagreement with a policy). One of my BIL's has pulled me aside to fight with me over a disagreement about my grown nephew, his stepson. He had no business getting in the middle of something I was doing for my nephew since it didn't affect him. One of my SIL's has admonished me for not requiring my daughter to take additional language classes in HS becuase she wouldn't get in to a good college. PS - she's in a great university on a partial scholarship.
All of this to say - we can't pick our family members or their spouses. And from looking at my family, I know I wouldn't be friends with most of them had we not been born in to the same family. But we have a shared history and I love all of them. I don't take things personally (they think I'm the crazy religious sister). I decided a long time ago that I could argue with them over differences of opinion or I could decide to have a good relationship with them - or as good as possible. I suggest that when your BIL commented to your dad about your sister being a patriots fan that he was teasing your dad - I dont' see it as being mean and you don't need to defend your dad. (Maybe the discord in your family is more about feeling hurt when there's little or no reason to be?)
I am very close with one of my sisters. I'm very close with one of my nieces (she's grown, married with kids and lives a few states away). And I have varying degrees of closeness with my other siblings and nieces / nephews.
It is sad but as we get older and our kids grow up the family kind of spaces out. My older siblings have their own grandchildren and they tend to spend holidays with them - who wouldn't? But my kids aren't old enough to have kids of their own so our holidays have become very quiet and small. The truth is that as the years go by siblings become an outer cirlce instead of the inner circle and we have to grow our own inner circle. I'm far more close to my Christian sisters & brothers than my biological ones. It's just how it is.
Yes. I feel like I have no siblings. My younger brother died when I was 13, and he was 11. I have an older half-sister that lived with us until I was 2. Once she moved out, I had minimal contact with her until I was an adult. We grew closer than ever when I was in my late teens. Although she lives on the other side of the country, We visited each other every couple of years and would keep in touch via telephone, email and more recently Facebook. Due to reasons I don't understand, we don't have much of a relationship now. I talk to her on FB, but not more than I do my friends. I haven't seen her in person in over seven years and we haven't talked on the phone in probably five or more years. When something happens in my life, I tell my best friend who is much more like a sister to me. I don't even think of telling my sister until much after the fact. It makes me sad, but it is what it is.
Hello. I have a brother and two step sisters, and we do all get along, although we are all very different people now as adults. I think you just have to be ok with the fact that your siblings are different and you have to find things you DO like about their spouses. What do your sisters love about their husbands? Do you spend time trying to get to know them so that you can start liking them for who they are? I can't tell if the comment about the t-shirt was said in a truly mean way, or if it was just teasing. To me it sounds like something my brother would say in a teasing way and then everyone would just laugh about it or tease him back about something else. Do you think your sister's husband comes from a family where teasing is the norm and a way to bond? And your family takes things very seriously and gets their feelings hurt? I don't take sports seriously, so to me that is not mean at all...just kind of funny. Anyway, when we do get together we all enjoy the parts of each other that we can relate to. And we reminisce about our childhood. If I spend a lot of time around my brother he does start getting on my nerves...his teasing personality starts annoying me! But overall I think he is a good person and means well. If I lived near one of my stepsisters and was getting together with her often... I just don't think we have much in common anymore and both my husband and I cannot relate to her husband. So, they are family but we would not really choose to hang out with them. We get along well with my other stepsister and her husband, but we are total opposite political beliefs from them, so we just all avoid talking about that! I guess I only see my siblings once a year or so, so it's not a long enough time to really get hung up on differences. I guess if I were you I would expect less. I'd say just try to all get along in the short amount of time you do have together. Or try to do one on one things with just your sisters on a regular basis. Then you do not have to put up with their husbands.
