Adult Children Unappreciative

Without knowing more details, here are things that have worked for me:

(1) Wait a few days before answering. Wait until you are calmer.
(2) When you do reply, reply calmly.
(3) Before you send it, sleep on it.
(4) Get someone you trust to proof-read it before you send it.
(5) Better yet, unless it's really necessary to respond, don't respond at all - it will only lead to more fighting.

Blessings!
D.

I'd tell her to grow a spine and when she does...call for a chat.

First, I'm sorry.

I would definitely think on it, and not rush to answer back. Maybe a brief, firm, kind and fairly stated email simply stating that it was an unkind email which hurt you because it (whichever applies) was unfair, unkind, nasty, accusative, etc. (do NOT get into the issue at hand just yet). You could say that you realize she was probably having a bad day/moment when she sent that (and that it caused YOU a bad moment when received it)

You're just trying to get her to realize that this type of email is counterproductive to getting what she wants, whether it is to have you understand her viewpoint, understand/agree with her stance, or get you to give her what she wants (whatever the issue is between you)

Then you could (maybe either in this email or another one sent later) suggest a way & time for resolving this either by a chat or email or phone, whatever works best for you guys.

I remember sending some nasty letters to my mom (didnt have email growing up as a teen!) which I regret now but at the time I felt I was not understood and didn't know how to make her listen. I do regret them and am sorry for the hurt I caused my mother. My own son (at the tender age of 7!!) has already written me a note or two.

You don't, at least not via e-mail back.

Why would your daughter send you a nasty email instead of talking to you about it face to face? I guess I am a little different than most, but if I have a problem with someone (even my mother) I am honest with them and let them know how I feel face to face. There is no dancing around it or avoiding it by donig it in writing, just face the issue and deal with it. First, why do you feel you have to respond to her email? In responding to her email do you intend to be nasty back or smooth over the situation? If the email is about an issue that you and your daughter need to work out, then I would suggest you call her and talk to her about it. Don't respond to her through email. Although her preferred method of communication with you seems to be email, I don't think that is the best way to respond to her. There is a certain disconnect in emails that can cause confusion if the intended message is not clear enough for the recipient to understand. Speaking on the phone or face to face will lessen the chance for confusion or misunderstanding.

I don't feel like you have given us enough information to be able to give you really any insightful advice or suggestions. There are so many reasons that a child, adult or juvenile will lash out at a parent. I am the Mother of 3 grown Daughters and we have our good moments and our bad moments. But overall I try to keep my mind and heart focused on the fact that we love each other and want the best for each other. My best advice, without knowing the dynamics of your relationship, or the factors that lead to the less than kind email are for you to do nothing right now. Let your own emotions and the emotions of your daughter have a chance to cool down and become more reasonable and loving. Do you have a good friend that you can discuss it with, to get a different perspective on what has happened? Maybe another family member could be a go-between for the two of you. But don't rush to 'fix things"...relax, let things take their own course.
R. Ann

I think we would need more info to answer it better as there are two sides to the story. but I guess you can certainly tell her how you feel and go from there. good luck

You don't. Wait a couple of days (so you both have time to cool off) then pick up the phone and call her. Or better yet, meet with her in person. Hopefully, your relationship means more to the both of you than some hastily typed words.

Without knowing more there is no way to respond to this specific question. I agree with Ruth Ann. We have good moments and bad moments. It helps me a lot when I remind myself that I love my daughter and she loves me. I have an adult daughter and we exchange angry e-mails from time to time. I've finally decided that e-mail is not an effective way to resolve anything. We have to talk face to face when we are in disagreement. And.....most importantly we have to do this after we've calmed down. It is so easy to read something into the written word that the writer did not intend.

I do gain perspective by talking with an uninvolved friend. Often, I'm able to see a different side to the situation after I've talked with a friend and calmed down myself.

As to adult children being unappreciative I think that it's normal for them to not always appreciate us, especially when we work to hard at being a parent instead of an adult. I found it difficult to stop making suggestions and giving advice. My daughter and I have finally been able to work out our relationship so that she tells me that she doesn't want advice or suggestions; that she just wants me to listen. At first that was difficult. I'm a fixer by nature and by profession. But as long as we remembered that we love each other we are able to work out our relationship.

As to whether or not we feel unappreciated we do have some control over that. We can feel that they don't appreciate us and become angry or we can realize that something is going on between us that needs to be worked out and focus on what we may have done to cause them to act or say something or why we feel this way. It's all too easy to assume hurt feelings when that was not our daughter's intent. Perhaps she feels unappreciated and is putting those feelings on us.

Both need to back off, regain their emotional equilibrium, and find a way to listen to each other. When we're confident in ourselves we are less vulnerable to feelings of being unappreciated. Then we can consider what is going on for the other person.

You tell her that you don't appreciate the tone and or content of her email and you let her know you feel hurt about it. You don't respond to nasty.

That would depend on the context, did you do or say something to provoke a nasty e-mail? Perhaps talking in person would be best to air out any dirty laundry. Its hard to say how you should respond without knowing what the topic of the e-mail was.

My answer would simply be: don't. Give both of yourselves some time to cool down.

If your daughte is sending you nasty emails, block he name at least for now , maybe block it out for about a month. Let her ralize and u can't run for every becak nd call. Take care mom, Tell her you want a face to fact on=

just let her know that you'll respond when she emails you in a friendly way.

For starters, I would be crushed on the inside. But I would not let her know. I would do my best to stay calm and let her know that I am sorry she feels the need to be nasty. And that when she calms down and feels comfortable enough to talk to me like a grown up , then we should chat and get things straight. I wish you all the best.