I'm pregnant and hormonal, so when there is a subject that needs to be addressed that I know will make me emotional, I sit down and write him an e-mail, instead of trying to have a coherent conversation with him face to face. I find that it helps remove the emotion from the discussion, and I have more time to form my thoughts into sentences that actually make sense. Am I the only one that does this? I sometimes worry that my e-mail gets misconstrued, especially when he chooses not to reply, or comment on the fact that I even sent it. I think I'm just second guessing one I sent him yesterday, since it's regarding a subject that we have fought about on and off for years.
OneAndDone - we are discussing video games, of all things! We had a pretty lengthy discussion about it a couple weeks ago, and there were a few things that had been weighing on my mind, so over the course of a few days, I typed up and revised a draft of comments/concerns that we hand't discussed during out last conversation. He knows that i feel my 16 yo SS spends too much time playing DC Universe, but the issue is that DH loves to play the game as well. It has practically taken over our living room! The issue is that he decided to buy a second ps3 so they could play together, and put it in the boys room. Unfortunately, the 16 yo and 5 yo share a room, which came about only after a lot of discussion regarding respect for each other, and making sure the 16 yo was aware that his little brother goes to bed much earlier than him, so he would need to plan on being in the living room after lights out for his little brother. He was fine with that, until Dad put the new ps3 in their room, and he has started waiting for the 5 yo to go to sleep, and going ahead and playing the game anyway. To me that is just rude. The issue is that DH likes to play with SS, and when I said something the other night that I really didn't like that set up, I was made to feel like the bad guy. In my email, I clearly let him know that I really do understand where he is coming from, but I felt better able to express my concerns in writing, rather than all teary eyed face to face. And I sent it to his personal e-mail, which he doesn't check at work, so it hopefully won't disrupt his work day.
I have done it . . . though I get mad at myself when I do it (if it's negative). It sort of creates a written record of negativity for all of time.
Yes, yes, yes! I do this!
It takes me time to compile all of my thoughts. And I hate when I think of something else to say after the conversation...so I email.
Oftentimes, he'll print off the email to talk about when we're home...but my email is there, point by point. That really helps.
Print it off and bring it home to talk about.
Never for something emotional. Only for the minutae of day-to-day life, like, "Hey babe, remember to schedule your colonoscopy," or something like that.
I agree with Veronica that it would probably be helpful for you to journal about it, and then invite him to read it when he is at home. And, I TOTALLY get what Jo is saying about the aftermath of sending a confrontational email. Not a good situation to put EITHER of you in.
I think sending emails about emotional stuff is very dangerous territory because as you said it is easy for people to misunderstand emotional stuff. I only email my spouse with information about events or subjects I know he is studying or contact information for people he is trying to reach.
If you are feeling hormonal or upset or emotional in some way...write an email to organize your thoughts, but don't send it. Save it as a draft. Reread it after you have calmed down and then figure out what were the important points and what was just an emotional fit. Then take the important key points and discuss them rationally in person.
If you send him an email and he doesn't reply, make sure you do follow up in person. Otherwise you don't know if you got heard or if he just skipped it. I think email is a valid communication tool (I use it) but without seeing the person it is easy to misunderstand the tone based on your own emotions at the time. Don't let email be an emotional drive by. Talk to him, too, even if it's hard.
I will email my husband practical things, things I have repeatedly forgotten to tell him (plans, prices), stuff like that. Not things in LIFE that we argue about.
You know, just a thought on topics that you argue about off and on for years--sometimes it's OK to disagree. You ARE two separate people. It's not uncommon to have "hot topics" between spouses. There will rarely be 2 humans that agree on everything.....please judge the topic...if it's not hurting you, him, or your kid(s)....why beat a dead horse??
I guess it would be helpful to know what type of subjects you're talking about.
ETA: Seems like an easy solution is to move both PSPs to a common area of the house. Perhaps the larger issue is that you would like your husband to give priority to your child, rather than to his son from a previous marriage? Sorry, but there always more to the story when the "large emotional" issue is something so easily solved to accommodate everyone with applying little common sense and practicality, don't you think?
And, in my opinion, a 5 year old shot;don't be sharing a room with a 16 year old.
On a larger scale, does the 5 year old even KNOW this is going on? Is it interrupting his sleep? If not, you're making an issue where there is none.
Maybe this video game is the main way your SS and husband share time? Do you really want to eliminate that? FAIR ground rules and time limits maybe, but it sounds like you are are over reacting.
I know from personal experience that when it comes to situations that may be heated, email is NOT the place to discuss matters... I have tried countless times to rectify matters via email and often , it made things worse. My advice, take the time to sit down and discuss problems. Also, if you don't want to do that and instead use email, then at least save the email in the draft folder BEFORE sending it.. this way, you can write out how you feel and then consider sending it or not..
Again, email (even posts on here) often get misconstrued.. it happens so easily.. Also, to fight over something for years and years.. One, if you can't resolve it in person, email surely won't make it any better..
In fact, I wouldn't use email to discuss most emotional matters.. I just find that it can make situations worse than they need to be... or appear at least..
so NO,I no longer email my spouse or others to discuss anything of great importance.. I save that for the phone or face to face.. lesson(s) learned... the hard way..
Earlier in our relationship I would *try* to do this. I soon came to realize it was just a bad idea...for us and how we communicate. For us, it's just better to talk even if the discussion gets a little heated.
We do email each other, but it's for everything else besides serious subjects that need to be discussed face to face
I DO! For us it works! Not to say we don't still argue, I just do the, message thing when my feelings have been hurt beyond belief & I KNOW I can't talk to him w/o either totally losing it or bursting into tears & incomprehensible speech. I also send cards for those days that I want to say, good job, I love you, you are a creep, you are a wonderful man, etc.. I say all those things verbally but there are days that I want him to have that, something X-tra. If I don't get a response I simply ask, 'did you get the card/message I sent? Normally, I don't have to ask but like all the men (or at least mine) out there he is basically uncommunicative when it comes to SAYING what he is THINKING most of the time.
Happy Monday!
Yes my husband and I e-mail each other too. Sometimes it's just logistical reminders or "hey I thought you'd like this article" with a link but we do it for difficult communication as well.
Usually the only things I e-mail my hubby are e-mails that I get and I just forward them to him so he can see exactly what is in them (i.e. information from our CPA regarding our taxes, that sort of stuff). I sent him some e-mails when he was on the road this past winter and spring because he could get them on his phone, but mostly we just texted or talked. I've been there sometimes when I felt the need to write things down, so I could express myself better and feel like I was getting everything, but that was early on in our relationship and marriage. It would actually make him kinda nutty - he would rather just talk. So I've gotten better at just talking things out but I also sometimes have to make it clear to him that he needs to just LET me talk and try to just listen without getting defensive or "reverse blaming" or "deflecting" by trying to turn it around on me or change the subject. Basically, if he doesn't like me writing out some big long emotional tirade, he needs to be a better listener.
I guess it just depends on how your husband receives what you are writing to him, and how he reacts to it. Does it help clear the air? Do things change for the better? Do you actually end up talking about it or does he just seem to ignore them and nothing is really resolved? I do think some men have to take time to process the information they have been given before they can even begin to respond. Also, like others have said, it would be better for him to recieve these e-mails or letters at home, rather than at work, when obviously he needs to be concentrating on work. If he has not said anything about the e-mail you sent yesterday, then maybe you need to say something about to him, and let him know you want to know what he thinks and what his response is. You need to talk about this and you need to feel heard. So much of what I see on this site regarding marriage issues seems to come down to communication - sometimes the couple is not communicating effectively, but sometimes it seems the wife is not telling her husband anything at all, and it's almost like she expects him to read her mind. Then gets really resentful that he can't. And that's not fair to anyone.
I email at times, but if you're worried about his response, how about writing those same thoughts and emotions into a text document or diary to vent and show it to him when he's available, physically and emotionally, to deal with it. Or give your thoughts a space but yourself time to reconsider sharing? I have sent my husband emails when things bother me, but he's at work, in the middle of dealing with things I have no idea about, and it is not always viewed kindly, understandably so. I'm sure he wants to be there for you, and it's good to take your time and thoughtfully write rather than hormonally vent, but the reception may still be disruptive for him.
I do not like to email a. Big emotional thing and send it to my husband. I feel like we need robe ble to have the actual conversation.
And so there have been times, I typed it all out, printed it nd used it as a guide for the conversation.
I certainly do not want him to be upset about home stuff while he is working and cannot deal with me properly, that would not work well for my husband... Or for me.we need tone able to do our jobs without worrying about each other.
I do email my SO all the time. It might be regarding a touchy subject or just to tell him how awesome I think he is. Usually, I write to him because he is at work and I can't chat with him, but I want to get something off my chest before I forget.
You're not the only one who does this. Best wishes with your expected family addition!
Hubby and I email each other now but mostly it's to say hi, I love you, Lay out ground beef, etc. When he worked 5 nights a week, I would type up letters and leave them for him from time to time - first because it was easier to type than write (LOL) and second, I could read and re-read over what I wrote and make changes! This often helped AFTER a fight when I wanted to apologize (after doing it verbally of course) and would go into detail about all the things I love about him.
So I think it CAN work well for you - as long as you both agree it can. Hubby prefers I save questions/plan making decisions when neither of us are at work (instead of me calling him at home while I"m at work asking him to do X and Y). So now I email the qeustions/thoughts/ideas to him and he has time to think/process and respond. Works well for us!
I do, but just like you, I send them to the home email address, never work. It's not fair to send home stress to the office.
I like email because I can organize my thoughts and edit. It's hard to self edit in a face to face conversation.
We don't but that doesn't mean it can't work for others. The biggest problem (which we've all seen on this forum also) is the complete lack of the subtleties which are part of any conversation - body language, tone, facial expressions, etc. For us we are better off talking in person. There is far less misconstrued meaning this way. Good luck.
Both my husband and I have done this upon occasion when the subject matter is likely to lead to an argument if done in person. Actually, my husband tried it first and I was able to see his point of view completely via the email and he was a bit taken aback by my positive response. We were able to quickly put the issue behind us. So we've found that it's quite effective (when used sparingly and over big, touchy issues). It gives your mind something to chew on while you sort out your own thoughts on the matter, instead of words flying out of your mouth in the heat of the moment.
I email my husband all the time for little things, but not for something big that requires a discussion. I have learned that, no matter who you are dealing with, tone of voice gets totally misconstrued over email and can lead to a lot of confusion and unnecessary hurt feelings, bad emotions, etc. If you have something real to discuss, you need to it in person.
