A Retreat

I have to be honest, I never did a very good job of that when they were little and I was a SAHM. Now that I work full-time, it's easier for me to find little breaks in the day - the drive to or from work, my lunch break, a quiet walk in between things.

When I'm off for the summer, I'm reminded of just how hard it can be to be a SAHM. Last summer my husband was crazy busy and there were times the only quiet I could get was when I let the boys watch a movie :-)

If finding time to exercise is a new thing, would that be a way for you? When I'm exercising I'm either completely focused on what I'm doing and don't have time to think (which can be a very good thing) or I'm able to really think about things.

I do find that when I have a major decision to make that I do a lot of thinking for periods of time and then not thinking about it for periods of time. The back and forth seems to really help me put things into perspective and make a decision that really brings me peace.

You know, I'm amazed when women get the 'baby fever' and want to have kids - they somehow never quite realistically envision the state you have arrived at just now.

I mean - seriously - what did you THINK raising small children was going to BE like?

What you do is - realize your current state is temporary (although it lasts a few years) - and for right now you embrace the chaos - and revel in it!

Yeah yeah - by all means take care of yourself - but you are going to have HEAPS of time to retreat and regroup when they head off to college - and by then you'll be MISSING THIS and not know what to do with yourself.

It's a human thing to always want to be somewhere other than where you currently are.
When we're younger, we want to be older.
When we're older, we want to be younger.
We want kids, moan if it takes a lot of time TTC, then want to retreat when we're hip deep in ankle biters - and then miss it when it's over and done.

This is life!
Enjoy the ride!

I think that what you're asking is rather important, and that failing to carve out time for real planning and thinking is one way that people end up losing sight of their important goals, relationships, and wake up years later and are shocked at all that hasn't gotten done. Don't be put off by the people who are mocking you for this question.

When one has a "career" kind of job where you don't go to work and have your day's work dictated to you by someone else, this kind of planning is considered key to not only your own personal growth and development, but to that of your company and customers. Managers and individual contributors alike are expected to set goals, review them, find time for professional development and skills acquisition, etc. This is where you have not only your "a ha!" moments but then make them happen one step at a time. No matter how short-staffed and behind I am at work, I carve out meeting time to make sure that I'm on track with my larger goals and projects so that the details of my everyday work don't take over completely.

I think it's important to manage some of the business of running a family this way as well. Many authors of books on marriage, family and children suggest weekly "family meetings" as a sacred time to come together and discuss what's important, so those big goals don't get lost in the minutiae of everyday life. Some families keep an agenda for this, so that things to be discussed are written down and discussions/decisions are documented and you can go back in time and say "actually, we agreed on X date that we would go with this plan..."

Your kids are really young so their participation in a family meeting would be minimal, but I think your instinct is right, that you and your husband should carve out some time on a regular basis (weekly for 20 minutes say, so it doesn't take over your whole evening) to touch base on big things that need to be considered and decide what the next steps are and who is responsible for what and by when. Be concrete - if it's a home project, he will call 3 contractors for estimates by the end of the following week, for example. Or if you have a concern about one of the kids, you will call your pediatrician Monday for an appointment or call 3 specialists by Wednesday. Keep a list of issues, to-dos, and decisions.

A lot of my decision-making gets done while exercising, because it's 30-60 minutes of time alone with my thoughts. So you can double-up and use time running or biking to toss things around in your head so that you go into your family meeting time prepared with some thoughts. Your husband can probably manage some thinking time in his commute.

It will get easier as your kids get older and can work/play independently. I know you home school so you won't get the break that school provides, but you can still linger after dinner one evening a week and have a focused discussion on things. Sometimes just the act of meeting moves things along, because you now have a stake in the ground to go back to and that anchors all of the decisions and to-dos instead of having them just flying around in the air to be addressed when you have the time, which is never.

I don't think you deserve the chastising you've been given. Sounds like you're acailable for your kids, have weekly dat night with the man AND are getting exercise time in. I'd keep the book club too.
(But B. has some good points.)
"Balance" is tough!
It's great that you're fitting in WEEKLY date nights--at home is fine--it's scheduled time together.
I think as you get I to your regular exercise routine, you'll find you can do a lot of thinking while exercising--I know I do.
Jot things down in a journal book--keep it handy. When you get some time review, make notes, etc.
O. suggestion I would give you when you need to gather thought and think is engage your kids in an activity--then walk away. Check back in in 10 minutes, gradually increase that time.
I don't know a mother on God's Green Earth that doesn't struggle with balance.

I think we are better moms when we are better people - and I think our kids do better when we are in better shape. So I disagree with those who suggest that you just suck it up and enjoy it because you will have all kinds of time when they go to college!

Your "quality family time" will be of great quality if you take some time for YOU, not just you and your husband, now. You both are entitled to alone time, and if you don't take it, you wind up where you are now, feeling deprived. It can also lead to resentment of the spouse - "gee, I'm always here for US but I never get time alone." So you are wise to try to head that off now. I also think it's vital that kids grow up learning that their parents are real people, with needs and lives beyond parenting. It sets them up to be better adults and take care of themselves too.

I'm not sure how you are managing time to meditate when you don't have enough quiet time to think! I know that space is a huge factor too. I'm a big user of the public library - so few people are now that the internet is their substitute - but it's a huge resource. Your profile says "Chicago" so maybe you are in the city vs. just outside. But university libraries are awesome, and so are their open spaces and courtyards. One of our hospitals has a huge lobby with a waterfall that pretty much drowns out surrounding noises - a lot of people use it for reading and contemplation, just choosing a seat that allows them to turn their back to the foot traffic. I'll bet you can find some great areas if you take some time for yourself to explore.

What I did, made easier because my husband worked at home, was take 2 days a month for ME. I took my son to preschool, left the car seat there, and took off for ME time. My husband would pick up at preschool, bring our son home for lunch and bonding time, then put him down for his usual 3 hour nap and go back into the home office. I usually got home roughly around the time our son woke up, but if not, my husband was right there. So for me, it was a 6-hour window of real time. At first I wasn't too smart and I used it to do errands, but then I decided that defeated the purpose. So I went to an early movie (me and 3 senior citizens in a dark theater - it was great!) and even took myself to lunch. Believe me, lunch alone is great! I took a book or a bunch of crosswords, or a journal. I always asked for a corner booth, or even something in the bar area which, at 2:30 PM after a movie, is not usually crowded in many places. In good weather, of course, I went to nature areas, but even a decent walk in an area where you don't run into friends and neighbors is great for reflection.

So my 2 long breaks per month were really sacred time.

My neighbor used to take her showers at the gym - she'd go to a class or use the treadmill, then take a long shower there when she wasn't worried about running out of hot water or having someone interrupt her for a glass of juice or to referee a fight. It was worth it to her to take her towel and travel shampoo and flip flops, and just linger in the locker room drying her hair.

I'd skip the 2nd book club - it's not really alone time at either club. It's adult time, which is great, but you are already struggling for time, and to fill it up with 2 books to read on deadline might add to your pressure. Instead, go to the library and just read there in total quiet - a book of your own choosing, or just browse the stacks there and find something that's not a bestseller but which really interests you.

And don't give up the exercise - find a gym with child care or a mother's helper to keep the toddler occupied while you take that time!

Welcome to motherhood - as if you didn't already have that clue! If you have found time for excercise and "another" book club you've already found more time than most mothers of young children. I've worked all through my kids' childhoods - full time when they were babies and part time since pre-school age. It's only been in the last few years when they got to middle school & high school did I find the time to read a grown-up book!

As for time to think or carve out time for big decisions - I don't know - I never needed extra time to think about that stuff. There's always those brainless actitivities that provide thinking time. Folding socks & underwear, for example. Or sitting on the bench at the playground while the little ones climb the slide for the umpteenth time, etc.

I do spend about 15-20 minutes alone each morning while I read scripture and talk to God. My quiet time. I have a smartphone app called Youversion which has a number of different reading plans that include commentary and some scripture passage. It's very centering. So I get out of bed 15-20 minutes before I would otherwise need to - and that small amount of time gives me balance for the rest of the day.

That's what preschool is for. If you can't afford it check into a tot drop or Mother's Day Out program.
I was a happy housewife and mother for many years, but I can't imagine not getting a REAL break at least once a week to be alone, think and recharge without my girls underfoot.

My thinking seemed to be either at work or in the bathtub. Can you have a date in the bathtub? LOL!

Sorry, bad joke. Mommies sometimes hide in the bathroom...

There is a balance that must be done between "ME" time and a marriage. You, yourself, need to be a priority - as if you don't take care of you - who will?? But your marriage needs your attention too.

Date nights are essential for a marriage - even if they are on the living room floor in front of the fire (if you have one) after the kids go to bed...sharing a glass of wine (or your favorite drink) and playing a game or just talking...

Once a month is a short time for a marriage. My husband and I are weekly - Wednesday night is family night...we do something together....after the boys go to bed? We sit on the couch and just be...or talk...I've fallen asleep with my head in his lap many times...he plays with my hair...other times my feet in his lap as he massages them...

Figure out your biggest priority - yourself or your marriage.

You're already getting "me" time from what I can see...why not talk it out with your husband??

My kids went to preschool MWF from 9 to 12:30. Those were my sacred hours. Having that time to do whatever I wanted without the constant neediness and interruption of little ones kept me sane, plus they had a blast and always came home happily worn out.
When my third was born (and too young for preschool, obviously) I had a college student come twice a week, Tuesdays from 10 to 2, and Thursdays from 4 to 8. Tuesdays were MY time and Thursdays were date time for me and the hubby!

i'd drop the 2nd book club (ANY book club might be too much right now) and go with the afternoon per month. you've got date nights, what i don't see in your schedule is J.-only time.
khairete
S.

When my kids were little I took every Saturday morning off and did whatever I wanted while my husband watched the kids. (It was a good time for the kids to bond with dad.) I got up every morning an hour before the kids woke up to have coffee, read the paper and plan the day in peace. I stayed up an hour every night after I put the kids to bed to enjoy some quiet tv or reading time. I gave the kids quiet time each afternoon between our afternoon activity and supper so I could get supper ready in peace. I went to a gym with child care and worked out while my husband was at work. I also found a great mom's group that had child care to watch the kids while the mom's had activities or guest speakers.

I can relate since I am also a SAHM and a homeschooler. There are times when it is overwhelming, but know that those feelings wont last forever. As your children get older they will do more on their own and that will give you more time for yourself.

Stay with your exercise and book club and see if they help give you a little freedom.