I have been married for 6 years and have 2 kids.
Dh and me have always had issues, BIG issues.I know we do not have a healthy relationship.
We don't know how to fight. Each time we disagree on somethins he starts yelling, cursing,name calling.
The problem is I also become verbally abusive towards him. If this happends he hits me, he pushes me or he pulls my hair.
It is difficult to talk about this things. I know I have anger issues myself...some days,out of the blue I feel like hit him. I gathered so much anger and pain. When I yell at him he starts recording me and this makes me MAD. He tell our kids: you see, you have a bad mother, she does nor love you, she hates us. Which of course is not true! Although I really hate him sometimes. He sees me as the only guilty in our marriage. He always tells me: "you can keep this family together, but you don't want to". He does not help around the house, he asks me how I spend each penny (I also work),he takes decissions without asking me...I am emotionally a wreck. I have anxiety issues, most of them related to my health and sanity. I would like to know what can I do to change this. I am already into councilling by myself- he does not want to go, I am the craziest one. He keeps telling me what a loser I am and that nobody would put up with my behaviour. I need your objective and wise opinions pls!!!
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you've been pushed to the limit.
This helped me when I decided to leave my abusive ex.
You're a step ahead of most women with having a job. Open an account in your own name, start putting your checks in there. Pack the suitcases and kids and leave. Get out now!
You are both toxic to each other and you need to get out.
Oh my .... reading this brought back many memories of my marriage.
My husband also had a hair trigger temper. And being around him brought out the absolute worst in me, so that it at times felt like *I* was the one with the anger issue.
When we argued, he would often get out the video camera and start recording me. It was his slam dunk, knock out punch to ensure he got his own way or to end the argument if he wanted to, even if I wanted to continue talking.
Everything was my fault, my problem, my issue. I was the loser, the one who was bad with money, the bad mother, the bad housekeeper, the one with the anger problem, the depressed one, the emotional wreck ....
Objectively, let me tell you this.
Problems are NEVER caused by ONE person alone. You are NOT the sole cause of ANY problem in your marriage.
You ARE worth more than you are receiving from your marriage.
Your children DO deserve BETTER from BOTH their parents.
There IS help available to you.
There IS a way out.
You are NOT a loser.
You are NOT a bad mother.
You ARE human. You ARE falliable. You ARE allowed to have emotions. You ARE allowed to make mistakes.
You do NOT have to make a decision today. Or tomorrow. Or this week. Or this year.
You SHOULD consider thinking about what you want for yourself and your children.
Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Your husband will NEVER be different. NEVER. Know that. How your life is now is how it will ALWAYS be. So think about it - do you want to keep doing this for the rest of your life?
Do you want your children to grow up this way? Do you want this to be the example for them? Do you want their marriages to look like this?
Help is available to you.
If and when you're ready to think about helping yourself and your children, post again or private message me, and I'll be glad to help you.
It IS possible to leave a marriage like this. I did, and I'm surviving and thriving and so is my child. You CAN do. It takes work and effort and help from others, but you CAN do it.
First, though, you have to think it through and decide that you're worth fighting for.
you are both troubled. you both need counseling. YOu are going to screw up your children if you don't get yourself straightened out. Threaten to leave your husband if he doesn't go to counseling - because the way things are going now you're both better off and so are the kids if you split up. If he won't go to counseling, or refuses to listen to the counselor then split up. KIt's not the best solution - but it's better than having the kids see the two of you screaming, shouting, cursing, pulling hair and hitting. your kids will be the ones in middle school & high school who'll be in the middle of the brawls, etc. kids learn by example and htis is not something you want them to learn...
L., I'll be blunt with you. If I were a neighbor or one of your family members, I'd call social services on both of you. You are destroying your children by screaming at your husband in front of your children. Whatever your counselor is saying to you is obviously not helping. You need a different counselor.
You need to go talk to a divorce lawyer. Get your ducks in a row and then get rid of the husband. He is no good for you.
I do think that you need a full check up from a doctor if you haven't had one. Eat better, get more sleep, and for the love of God, stop all this stuff with your husband. Your children will have burned into their brain your fights. You say that your husband blames you for all of this and you blame him, but BOTH of you are equally culpable. If you just feel sorry for yourself because you have a jerk for a husband but you can't keep your mouth shut in front of the children, then you're a jerk too.
Stop this cycle. Refuse to fight with him. Prepare for a divorce and then GET ONE. You have no business continuing to live with a man who will tell his children that you don't love them. If you are an emotional wreck now, what will you be if you stay with him?
Honestly, if he is not willing to go to counseling then I would be done. You are both abusive and without real effort from both of you to change your relationship will not improve. One person alone can not fix a dysfunctional family, it takes both people being 100% committed to every second of hard work to save a marriage that is circling the drain. My big question is, what kind of relationship are you mirroring for your children? What type of relationship do you think they will end up in if they think the yelling, cursing, and hitting, are all normal?
Best of luck with whatever you decide.
Did you know that it is illegal to have a physical altercation in front of your kids?
Did you know that if your neighbors call the police and say they heard you fighting that the police can come into your home and take custody of your kids? They'll call a child welfare worker to manage the kids once the officer takes custody of the kids and you'll spend months going through anger management classes and trying to meet court ordered goals before you can even have visitation with your kids.
You will be just as guilty as the dad because you were part of the problem.
So you will not be given the kids if you move out, you were fighting along with him so they won't let either of you have the kids.
I've worked with kids in foster care and many of those kids were never abused or hit or anything. Their parents couldn't control their anger around them so the state took them.
Either get in some anger management classes, couples counseling, or something. Because you are going to lose your kids to the state and might even lose your parental rights if you don't learn how to manage yourself.
If you argue in front of the kids you are showing them, teaching them that fighting and arguing is how to resolve issues. That's wrong.
My very first reaction to your post was the start of your second line, "Dh and me have always..." Dh??? Do you realilze that the D in Dh stands for darling? Why did you refer to him as "darling?" He is anything but a darling and he refuses to go to counseling with you. In my opinion, the only thing to do is to get divorced. Best of luck with husband #2! I'm sure he will be much better!
I notice that you are working. Did you know that many employers offer free counseling services as part of their benefits? Please ask your HR office, and make an appointment.
If you don't get out for yourself, at least do it for your poor children. No child should have to grow up this way. It's abusive. Leave for your kids. Just leave. It won't ever get better.
My first thought is to tel you to file for divorce. But since you probably won't do that, then my second suggestion is to wear ear phones and turn on the music when he starts fighting.
You really should get out though, those poor kids.
