9 Y/o Doesn't Want to Visit

This sounds all too familiar to me. As a matter of fact, my 12 yo step-daughter is supposed to be here this weekend but she wanted to hang out with her friends. She also says that we never do anything fun she wants just what her 3 yo and 14 mo old 1/2 sibilings want to do. She forgets Kalahari, Indians games, etc. Her mother has let her make her own decisions about visitation for years when it is convenient for her and sets the rules otherwise. Unfortunately it only gets worse and I wish I had advice cause I'd follow it. If dad forces her then she may resent him OR she may actually like being faught for. It is hard to say and a difficuly situation. I wish you the best!

In this situation, I would say counseling would be the best solution. There are many factors that could contribute to her attitude. If mom forces her, she could resent dad or mom. There could also be some bad mouthing going on from either side that she isn't meant to hear, that she heard. It could also be jeolousy or general anger at the situation. There could be many factors. Instead of pointing fingers or being forceful, counseling can help all involved understand what the child is going through and be more helpful.

I think if this situation continues on as is, there could be some irreversable damage done to everyone. Kids are very sensitive.

Good luck!

well first get to the bottom of what is wrong and then.... let her know that meltdowns are not okay adn her visitations will stick.... I would've marched right into that party adn taken her to her Dads. If there is something serious wrong at the house ... that is different. Find out first and if it is just a control issue stop it now .... it could be more serious though and needs tobe checked out

I really don't have any advice on this one because I use to cry and beg to not have to go to my dad's house on weekends, but now wish I had spent more time with him as a child (hindsight is always 20/20 right?). Here is what I can offer to your brief synopsis though. First off, do you really feel (since you stated that she did nothing) that it is grandma's responsibility to make sure daughter treats dad right? I do not. In my family, as long as there is a parent around, the grandparents are to stay out of dicipline. Number two, dad needs to realize a few things here. This probably is not personal, so even though it really hurts to hear your child tell you that she is unhappy with you, try to take it with a grain of salt. 9 year old girls are very complicated. They often feel like no one understands what they are dealing with, especially their dad. I know that at that age, my dad was the last person that I wanted to talk to, especially if my friends were around. I guess my first step would be to address this issue with between mom and dad. Leave grandma and stepmom out of it. It is ultimately the decison of the bio parents as to what is best for the child, even though they don't always see eye to eye.

Try to get to get to the bottom of why she doesn't want to go. If there is no real basis and she is just being stubborn make her go! sounds to me like she is just having trouble adjusting to the divorce. Tell her to just give it a chance she may actually end up liking her other family if she gives them a chance. I think all children of divorce fantisize about their parents still being together. Tell her that although you love her dad you guys just didn't get along. and if you had stayed together it wouldn't have been very fun to see mommy and daddy fighting all the time but since you live apart you get along better. Don't let her make the decision not to see her dad! Tell her how much he loves her and how hurt he is by this. Make her go!

Could she have just been tired after a long week at school and a birthday party that she REALLY didn't want to leave. I have a 9 year old that often acts out and says many things before she thinks about it. Dad should try again and talk to her about her feeling but don't expect a whole lot from her I would chuck it up to her not wanting to leave the party. Dad should have put his foot down and said that it was time to go. Sounds like she was playing him even if not consciously so she could stay put at the party. I can understand Grandma not saying anything she isn't the parent and was probably trying to not make the situation worse and step in. I'm not sure if she should have a say in visitation it sounds and if Dad cares and wants her around. If has been the same for a long time she should be in a routine by now. This is the way her family is she is going to have to adapt because it isn't going to change. Good Luck

Has anyone told this to the mother? At this age the parents do have every say so. But also, I believe that the child is able and capable for her feelings and rights and she too is a human being and has those feelings and rights. So it is fair. Everyone should be treated equal, everyone!!!
Another thing is maybe someone makes her feel really bad and makes her feel very unwelcomed, does anyone watch and listen completely?? We don't have rights with custody, I have my girls full time, their dad never had anything to do with them since he left, but I have pushed the girls on him and found out that he was never their, he was involved with a very young girl (she was 16) at the time and they started a family. He never had anything to do with our girls since he's been with this girl. They wanted their dad, he'd push them away. When I finally met someone that was good to them and myself. All of a sudden he wanted to be the dad. Yet he still never called or had anything to do with them. His girlfriend was always taking care of my girls when they were around him. But she eventually got tired and very verbally abusive to my girls. So than they never wanted to go back to their dads. When we ended up with a better opportunity in life to move and make a better living in another state, he did nothing to be with his girls. Anyhow, the man I'm with now wants to adopt them. But their dad won't sign papers or anything, but yet he won't even call them ever for anything!! Crazy..anyhow, the dad needs to speak to the mom. Get the girl involved into the conversation between mom, dad and child and see where the truth lies and see what goes on there. The parents need to let her know right now that she has every right to her feelings, yet the parents still have a say so. Dad obviously loves her and wants her around...but what about everyone else at the house dads at?? Everyone needs to get her to open up more about that and reasons. Good Luck!

been there done that. there is light at the end of the tunnel. make her come with her dad and have dad tell her that he loves her and wants to spend time with her so she is coming. i had to fight to get my two kids and i won. my daughter tatally hated me and told me i screwed up her life. that was at the age of 12. now she is 15 and we have an awesome relationship. we are closer then we ever were. just give her time. who knows what grandma and mom are saying to her. just don't punish her for how she is feeling. talk to her and let her know that no matter what he loves her. good luck to you.

Yikes, me personally I don't know how to answer that. ...but do you think maybe it's just because she was having so much fun at the party and that's what she was saying out of anger just not to go? Did you have a talk her about how things have been going when she is at her fathers? Keep us updated and gl.

I think you should seek counseling for your family. It seems she is having problems adjusting even though it has been some time since the divorce. Seek some help and advise your ex to have patience. Always keep open communication between you and your ex, be on the same page and go from there. Sit down with your daughter and ask her what happened and have an open door policy that she can talk about anything with you.

M.

I know how you feel and I can tell by reading your request that you must be the step-mom. I am a SM as well and have had to deal with almost the same situation as you are. I would first like to say that it's probably reverse psychology! My 7 y/o SD used to do kind of the same thing with my husband. I finally told him not to respond to what she was saying and just what he needed to do with having to talk to her right then and there (time outs and bedtime were the worse!). Eventually she found out they we weren't going to allow her to make the rules and that we are the parents and she will follow the rules that have been put in effect at our home. We also have family meeting night at our house. This gives the kids the oppurtunity to help with the rules and consequences that are followed at our house (we have the final say though) as well as let them vent about what is bothering them or to let us know how they are dealing with things. We don't "make" them talk about things that go on at their mom's house, but have told them over and over that no matter what it is, we are hear to listen to them and will try to help them the best way that we know how and if we don't have an answer, we will find one for them. I'm not sure if counseling is the right thing to do for her right now since she is kind of young and since you just really aren't sure what she would "need" to be seen for. We have even started doing family fun night at our house (even when my SDs aren't here). We decide as a family what we are going to do and make it clear to them that we are having fun and that there will be no fighting, arguing or anything negative to be done or said during this time (or any other I hope). This have started to come together for us and now the 7 y/o perfers to be at our house than she does at her mother's. We make sure to let her know that we have to make sure to take turns with her mom and step-dad and that it's important that she spends time with them as well. We believe that there are some things going on in that home that are not good and since we have no proof, we are trying to get to the bottom of it. None of it is life threating or dangerous enough to withhold visitation right now. I don't thin that she should have the final say in whether she will go to her dad's or not and I know it upsets him because my husband has been brought to tears by my SD's words MANY times. If I were him, I would have picked her up and put her in the car and she would of had to scream and kick on our way home. I think there are true reasons of why she prefers her mom's over her dad's and if there's nothing "bad" truely going on at her dad's, then it's just a matter of time and effort on his part of finding out the reason she doesn't want to visit. Good luck and I can't wait to find out how things turn out for her and her dad.
P.S. If you are the SM, I have a book that I just started reading call "Women and Stepfamilies, Voices of Anger and Love" I think you might find some helpful things in it for you! Good luck and I truely know how it feels to be in your shoes!

Courts would say she has no say until she's 12. I understand she is hurt but also grandma did wrong by just sititng there. You don't say who was the divorce filed by. Were you the other woman. Maybe all this is from MOm. Maybe she has been taking out her feelings on the daughter. Which is SO wrong. She needs to sit down with your her x and explain to the girl that they still love her just not each other. She will always be their little girl no matter how many others come along and that they will and do love all their children and she is being hurtful to Dad. That they never got the divorce to hurt her and doesn't she want her parents to be happy? Happy parents are better parents even if they live apart. Maybe some one on one time with Dad would help. Like a dinner date and if it goes well take her shopping for an outfit she really wants.
While I am still masrried to my high school sweetheart of 34 years I have loads of friend who are divorced. My sister just got number 3 and he gave her 30 days to leave. He had someone else. While they have no children together she has 3 by the second husband. They get along okay (he never remarried). She was the one living a secret life with hubby number 3 for 6 months.

C.,

Yes, a child certainly should have say in where she has to go! After all, her mother did divorce her dad, so there must be some reason *she* didn't want to be around him anymore. Why do so many people want to insist on "what is best for the child" without giving the child's opinion any credence at all? Now a screaming public forum was not really the place for such a discussion, certainly, but all the adults involved need to sit down with this little girl and honestly LISTEN to her. Sometimes when a child doesn't want to be involved in a living arrangement it is because there is much negative attention paid her, or worse.

Best wishes,
K.

WOW thats a hard one. I don't think you should ever force a child to come visit, that just reinforces the fact that she says she doesn't like coming over. My guess is there is some bad talk about dad and dad's "new" family from mom and that is hard to combat. I think I would start by just making her time at your house special and fun, and not forcing her to sleep over. I think if you make a special family night and have everyone involved and have plans to stay up all night to watch a movie or plans to do something special the next day, she will start coming around. Eventually she will start wanting to stay because she doesn't want to miss out on the activities. I know that sounds kind of sneaky,but you need to make it so she can't say anything bad about being at dads house and so she sees that you can love two families. She might be feeling like she is being unfair to grandma and mom if she loves dads family.

I hope some of that helps.... good luck

We are going thru a custody issue. The birth mother is the custodial parent but they have joint legal custody. HOWEVER, mother has NO OTHER MISSION than $$$ from dad. She's also got two other boys by two different men and has no contact w/ them. Got tired of one and shipped off to live w/ grandparents and no contact order w/ the other. She doesn't spend time doing ANYTHING with her that she doesn't have to. Once a child custody evaluator got involved, she's been dragging things out to look like she's doing something. BOTTOM LINE.....the child DOES NOT like going back to moms. She gets quiet, says she doesn't want to go, wants to spend more time w/ dad, etc.

He is trying to get full legal custody but NOT trying to take her away from the mother. He's told BOTH of them that she can spend as much time w/ her as the CHILD wants. Mom also doesn't take responsibility for medical issues, health issues, etc. She's six and has NEVER been to the dentist, got an e-mail from her teacher saying she always comes to school lathargic, holding her stomach saying she hasn't gotten anything to eat (she's told us mom says they don't have time), has fallen asleep in class, etc.

I think you need to sit down and truely evaluate HOW you are spending the time, etc. If there is quality time, a child WILL WANT TO SPEND it with you. NOT rocket science. How many games do you play, how much do you talk, go to the park, involve her in activities you do....cooking, working in the garage, painting, etc. THEY WANT TO BE INVOLVED. I'm not saying you're not, but you NEED to ask yourself these ?s. I KNOW that as a former nanny & coach, I"ve had kids tell me they wished I was their mom. I KNOW it's because I took the time to talk to them and spend quality time with them.

The daughter is old enough to sit down and talk to her as well. NO I do not think she should have a say in whether she goes or not. She should be allowed to voice her opinion, BUT the courts and the adults should have the say. Adults should NOT be manipulated by children.

Did you think that MAYBE she just wasn't ready to leave the party? PLAN things for when she comes over. This weekend, we planned an art fair, minature golfing and decorating the house for fall.

Hope this gives you some ideas and help.

I come from a divorced family and can honestly say that I wish my parents had been more insistent that I spend time with my dad. We don't have a relationship at all now. I haven't spoken to him in over 10 years and haven't seen him in around 17. I regret that now, but there isn't anything I can do to change it. I have tried contacting him, but our connection seems to have been completely severed.

So, I say all this to say that I think she needs to continue to see her dad. But, her feelings also need to be acknowledged. Her feelings are real and they need to be respected. Maybe family counseling is in order.

Has this been a more recent event? It's possible that she is making friends who have married parents and she is reacting out of jealousy or anger. Maybe her school counselor could help. Keep us posted.

God bless,
A.

WOW, for a second there I thought I was reading about my kids. My children,lucky not everytime, have done this. They say he is mean, they never get to do anything, ect,ect. Have you considered letting her talk to someone? Other than a family member? Maybe there is something going on and thats her way of telling you. But I dont belive she should be forced into going, it may make things worse. Good Luck!!

Sounds to me like there may be some jealousy issues. She may be jealous that her dad has a new family, and she wants her family to be together instead. Also, I don't know how the divorce was, but the mother and grandmother may be filling her head full of "stuff". At nine, the child should not be forced into doing something she doesn't want to do. This could cause further issues for everybody. I would suggest getting her some counseling to find out the root(s) of the problem(s) she is having with going to her dads. If dad forces her to go that is only going to further the disruptive behavior so he did the right thing when he left even though he was hurt. That is hurtful to hear things like that, but his daughter is having some serious issues that need to be dealt with professionally. I have been there myself. My parents were divorced when I was 9, and my mom remarried when I was 10. I hated my step dad for a long time, but he didn't have any kids. He had never been married before either. When my dad remarried, my step mom had 4 kids of her own from a previous marriage. I hated her, and my one step sister. The other step sister, and the 2 step brothers I got along with. They were older and out of the home by then. It was a mess for a long time because I never wanted to go see my dad because of not liking the situation. I went anyways and I hated it, but after a while I got used to it and learned how to deal with the situation. It is very hard for most all children to go through divorce. I wish you all the best.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7, and 4.

I eould talk to her when she is calm. there seems to be more deeper issues. it sounds like she is resentful of her dads' "new family". most kids her age go through this. my parents got divorced when i was 18mo. old & it didn't really hit me until i was her age & understood more what a divorce actually was. to me it was like it just happened, it took a little while & some counseling to learn hope to cope & adjust again. Good luck, i'll keep you in my prayers. God be with you.

Only my opinion, but I speak from experience. 9 year old is not the one who should be making decisions. Dad needs to have visitation with daughter. She may not understand or like it now but it is very important. I was 15 when I went from living with my dad to living with my mom. (THey had been divorced since I was 3) My dad did not ask the judge for visitation. He just said I could come and see him whenever I wanted. I did not got see him. My mom always talked negatively of him and it ruined what little relationship I had left with my dad. I thought if he wanted to see me he would have had the judge order it because he would be guaranteed it then. So in my mind my dad did not want to see me. (I was wrong. But it took 10 years and my dad becoming terminally ill for us to finally work out our differences. Then after all that time I had the guilt of losing so many years with my dad, And (step) mom - who by the way is great to me and treats me just like one of her own, my (1/2) sisters and so many more in the family. (WE don't use step or halfs in my family, they are only included so you can understand.)We lost my dad in December 2003 just 3 years after we reconciled. I miss him so much and still regret all the years we lost, I am sure if I could ask him he would say the same thing. DAD--SPEND TIME WITH YOUR DAUGHTER, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT MANDATORY. Once you lose those years you can never get them back.

My first thought was,"why couldn't she be picked up after the party"? I am guessing that she didn't want to leave her friends, she was probably having a good time. I can remember as a child trying to always get out of going to Grandmas every weekend. I wanted to spend time with my friends so I would yell and say I hate it there, etc., etc. In reality, I didn't hate it there, I just wanted to be with my friends. She is at an age where friends and fitting in will become very important and at times it may seem they ARE more important. I think he should have agreed to pick her up when the party was over. Just my 2 cents.

Father should not have left without child, grandmother should have opened her mouth, and child is really controling everyone, isn't she?
She needs to be punished for her behavior, not rewarded by getting her way. No television, apology letter to host of party, all children attending, her father, and her grandmother. She needs to explain why she thought her behavior was acceptable. Mother needs to enforce punishment. No television, no computer or video games, no friends over, and she can spend her after school and at home time doing chores or in her bedroom. No after school programs such as sports, scouts, etc. for at least a week.
Hard love.
So what if the baby cries, all babies cry, as the older sister it wouldn't hurt her to try to help calm the baby down.
Maybe at home with mom she has her own room and doesn't like to share. If her attitude at dad's is what she displayed on Friday night it would not surprise me if her step-siblings are not exceding polite to her or want anything to do with her. This is not a new situation for her.
She is being manipulative and controling and getting her way. How wonderful. I wonder if I throw tempertantrums if it will help me at work etc. This is a life lesson she is learning and it needs to stop.
Sorry, hard-hearted, beastly, cold, person here. Not!!!!
Dad could just stop seeing the child for a few months, no Halloween treats, no Thanksgiving time and no Christmas gifts or extra money for extra gifts. Until the child apologizes, no contact. See if that solves her problem.
She has to learn to share and not by being given special/preferred treatment.

I have been having the same problem for 3 years now. I have custody of my 11 year old son and his Dad is supposed to have every other weekend visits. It started with just a stomach ache when it was time to go to Dads then it got worse. I sat down with his dad and wife to see if something more serious was going on. Of course nothing was going on. We then discussed where to go from there. We have agreed that he is old enough to decide if he wants to go to dads or not. But if he decided he doesn't want to go he has to give a reason that acceptable. None of the I miss Mom or the kids cry to much. If he chooses not to tell his father why he doesn't want to go then he goes. I gave up forcing him to go and so did his father. If the kid is miserable why make everyone else the same? I believe in the bond with dad but it shouldn't have to be forced. Eventually the 9 y/o will realize what she's missing and want to be a part of her father again. Good luck and hope this helps a little.