6Yr Old Perfectionist

My daughter's school stresses trying new things all the time. The teacher has been wonderful in getting her Kindergarden class convinced that new experiences are the best. With her help we have managed to convince my daughter to try new things all the time - we even managed to get her to eat sushi (she ate the california roll without wasabi, but not the salmon).

I have found that if you can, getting the teachers involved really helps in so many ways. If you have a good teacher, s/he can get the whole class excited about trying new things. This will benefit the whole class and could get every one more excited about learning.

You had success - he tried it!
He might need time and he might need to explore his feelings- fear, frustration, ect. (maybe skip the lectures- see below)
Frustration is normal and healthy.
"We justify our manipulations of people, events, and rules on our children's behalf in the false belief that when we eliminate their frustrations, we're demonstrating our love. But the truth is, when we prevent children from experiencing frustration, we're keeping them from developing the vital life skill of learning to adapt, which is an ability they'll need throughout their adult lives.
Rather than coldly admonishing children to "deal with it" when they're upset, adults need to help frustrated children along to what psychologist Gordon Neufeld calls the Wall of Futility. Children need to feel their real feelings of sadness and find their tears. And when children, often with your help, can come to their tears about whatever they want and can't have, or whatever is broken and can't be fixed, they become able to move on — to adapt."
When we are there to help them through the tears with our "soft" voice and acknowledge their feelings we are " helping them find find expression and release.
Let it be OK not to be perfect by our own example. Be proud of their successes - no matter how small. With this small success and adaptation he will have "discovered that while life may not always unfold to "his" liking, "he" can adapt to it and find "his" way back to joy.

When we intervene because children are frustrated — believing we're doing so out of love and care — we prevent them from learning the lesson of adaptation. As a result, when they experience something upsetting later in life, either they will demand that circumstances bend to their will or they will become aggressive. They will become adults who cannot cope when things don't conform to their liking — like people who demand recompense when they're disappointed or who numb themselves with substances or distractions just so they can handle life's more difficult moments.

Think about difficult times in your own life. One of the greatest gifts we can give children is the ability to find their tears when they're frustrated. Tears actually release stress hormones and toxins — as usual, Mother Nature knows what she's doing.

What happens when children don't feel their sadness or find their tears, and we don't bend the world to their liking? Unresolved frustration produces aggression. Verbally or physically, children who are prevented from getting what they want and who lack the ability to adapt will become aggressive. And when we "up the ante" and punish children by taking more and more things away, we simply move them toward either increasing their aggressive behavior or hardening their hearts.

How to Approach Frustrated Children

When children are frustrated, it's not a good time to teach, advise, or lecture. Children cannot process what you're saying when they're upset, and the onslaught of words you deliver to try to convince them to see things a different way just aggravates them more. Think of it this way: Language is a function of the left brain, but feelings originate in the right. When children are stuck in the storm of emotions whirling around in their right brains, they don't have access to their verbal, logical left brains, which might be able to make sense of or benefit from your well-meaning suggestions. In a sense, your efforts to cool kids down by offering rational suggestions is like knocking on a door when nobody's home.

We should all embrace the idea that there's value in helping the children in our lives chalk up another adaptation, knowing that each time they do, they're adding to an internal reservoir of confidence and resourcefulness that will help them navigate life's ups and downs.

Parents and grandparents often miss the forest for the trees, wanting kids to be — or at least appear to be — happy in the moment, without considering the cost. When children grow up believing that they can really be happy only if events in their lives unfold in the particular way they want them to, they become adults unable to cope with experiences outside their control, and they suffer as a result. Parents and grandparents who help kids learn the essential life skill of adaptation give them a priceless gift — the means to be happy regardless of whether people, events, or circumstances conform to their expectations.

When we raise kids by modeling our own adaptation and help them "hit the wall" when they're stuck, we equip them with the ability to surf life's ups and downs with their eye on the prize of enjoying every moment of their precious lives." excerpts from an article How To Deal With Frustrated Children by Susan Stiffelman

Hope this helps (wish my aggressive brother-in-law had learned this sooner)

I have a different take on it - as someone who's an admitted perfectionist, too.

One thing I seem to see as a commonality among people with perfectionist tendancies is underlying anxiety. Have you talked about this with your pediatrician? Because my husband and I both exhibit signs of OCD (I obsess, he compulses), our pediatrician has been keenly watching our son for signs so that we can intervene as needed before it becomes a problem.

So far, there have been no issues that need to be dealt with.

All you can do is encourage him to try and to tell him how proud you are of him (even if he doesn't do it well). I used to teach gymnastics to all levels of kids. There were some very naturally talented and others who really had no future. As a coach, I believed my job was to get them to enjoy being there and to have accomplishments no matter what their ability levels were, and I made sure to celebrate equally no matter how gifted the child was at something.

I'd also say that letting your son see you fail and how you deal with it is a huge teaching moment. If you go to the roller rink, fall a few times and break out laughing because you're having so much fun, that's such a positive teaching moment that he may be more opt to try and fail knowing it's OK.

Good luck.

I have one of those who is 11. It really got to be an issue with schoolwork and his pressure on himself with sports. I reached out to the school and his TAG teacher gave me a lot of information on gifted kids. I don't know if your son is considered "gifted" and he probably hasn't been tested yet. However, what you are describing is exactly what was mentioned in the information I read. Here are some things I learned that may or may not pertain to your son (I thought they were interesting)
1. His mind may be more advanced than his body. He may be able to rationalize the concept of skating, but his body may not be able to "keep up" with his brain. If he knows he should be able to tie his shoes, because he sees how the laces are supposed to go - but cannot get his fingers to coordinate that, he may get frusterated.
2. Because he may be so attentive to details, he cannot understand the big picture in that if he doesn't get it the very first time, there's something wrong with his process.
3. He is setting himself up with very high standards. Because he may usually be able to do things easily, when something doesn't click on the first try, he will feel failure.
*.....Now for the more abstract facts I learned....
1. Gifted kids tend to have more nighttime wetness. Because they are more intense during the day, they sleep very hard at night and may not be able to wake up to use the bathroom
2. Gifted kids also tend to have more nightmares because of their daytime mind intensity.
3. Hyperactivity and/or ADHD is often misdiagnosed - and may be giftedness rather than the above. Because gifted kids are often bored in the classroom because the material is easy to them, they act out. They can actually get irritated because of the easy lessons.

Anyway, since I was just reading all this and had some things really revealed to me, I thought I'd share. Basically, if this sounds like your son - you may have to deal with this a lot in the future. Explain to your son that when he makes a mistake or can't do something "perfectly" right away, that it's a learning experience. It's not a failure, but a way to learn. Have him set priorities (as well as a 6 year old can). You can help him. "What's more important? Learning to skate perfectly the first time? OR, having fun with your friends on the skate floor?" Unfortunately, I haven't gotten to much about how to handle this stuff as much as learning to understand how my son's head works. LOL! I will be doing more research to help him deal with his perfectionism. I'm dealing with an older child, but he was this way when he was 6. I hope you can implement some of the great suggestions from the other posts. Good luck!!

Consider asking your son what he is feeling inside when he declines the opportunity to try something new. Know that he may not be fully open with you at first, but with your gentle persistence , you may uncover his emotional concerns. Fear comes to mind. Fear of failure, being teased, injury... Once you have unearthed these emotions, you can help him to put them into perspective.

Does he have a favorite athlete? Consider doing some research about this person and present the information to your son. I'll take skier Lindsey Vonn as an example. Show your son how she started out as a little girl and didn't know how to ski at all. Without scaring him, tell him it is normal to fall and even have an occasional injury (you know your son best, so you will know how far to go with this). If you feel it is appropriate, give him examples from other people in life. Choose people he respects and can relate to including yourself!

Most importantly, be patient, keep encouraging him and when you see him make efforts in trying new things, be sure to acknowledge him and praise him. Praise the effort, not the result.

What a lucky kid to have such a doting Mom.

Best wishes.

K.

Having been brought up in a household with perfectionistic parents, even when they meant well, the messae came across, "you will fail"; you aren't good enough"; "you disappoint us". Ouch! Well, I became a perfectionistic parent too, at first. My son had some of the tendencies your child exhibits, so I looked back at how I felt as a child in that situation, and learned to become more comfortable with making mistakes. I was told once that we need to laugh at ourselves more, and take ourselves less seriouslymuch more often than we do. With that, I got my son involved in things, at first, that can't be messed up, or done incorrectly, and I was sure to tell him so. When he became competitive, saying things like, "the other person's mud pie is better than mine", I said, "your mud pies are different because they were made by different people, both beign very worthy." I went on to tell my son that in school, sometimes he will shine, and other times, other children will shine. Each person needs to feel the power of their gifts in order to grow up to feel useful in this world, and that by my son not having to be the best all the time, other peopleget the opportuntiy to experience teh joy of a job well done too. I also teach my son that nobody is better than anybody else. When I say this, I tell him that even children who are not as gifted are needed in society, and need to have good things said about them, especially by their peers. So, I teach social responsibility which pulls my son away from just focusing on himself, which perfectionism does, even if out of fear.

Tell your child that anyone who is good at anything had to become good. (Don't mention Motzart.) Becoming "good" at something takes a long time, and require practice. Remember, this is really about self-worth. So, train your child away from achievement centered worth. Tickle him if it takes that to make him/her laugh. If your child drops something, don't react; say, "it happens". Just get the air lightened somehow in order to change the pressure level in the house.

Teaching my son to change his sense of worth from a production orientation toward a human one, hasn't decreased his energy level or drive at all, but it's helped put life in perspective, and has promoted an "other" orientation rather than an "it's all on my shoulders", kind of pressure. I believe this is a critical value set to teach our children, today, in this ultra competitive world that can isolate children from each other, and carry that rivalry into adulthood. We are a social species, and need reminding that it's okay to need each other, and not always be the one with all the answers. Most important, children need to see us handle failure well, so they can learn from our words and examples how to be resilient. If parents aren't too hard on themselves, children learn to take things in stride, without feeling that their peformance determines their worth. Remember, perfectionism is really about feeling good enough, and not becoming overly critical of others. Nobody is better than anybody else. :-) Hope this helps.

When my kids get frustrated by things that go wrong, sometimes they overreact. I try to teach them that when things go wrong we just have to find a way to correct them and learn from them. I try to let them see when I make a mistake, let them know how I feel about it, show them how I react and have them help me find a way to fix it. Maybe you could try a similar approach with your son. Pick an activity to learn with him and let him know that you've never done it before but you want to try it. Maybe make a mistake on purpose and show him the learning process in action. You could make a new recipe, learn a new game, build something.

My son is also a bit of a perfectionist. He recently had trouble with a paper at school (pre-k) and he started to cry in class. His teacher calmed him, gave him a new paper and helped him work through it. Then she told him that it is okay to not immediately know the answer. Sometimes you have to work a little harder to find the answer. She also told him that if he did already know all the answers then she would be out of a job. :)

I would also be sure to encourage his efforts when he does try new things.

Monkey see monkey do! Stop trying to be so perfect. Show him that imperfection if okay. If your home isn't so perfectly picked up everyday it's okay. If your meals aren't perfect all the time it's okay. If he sees you relaxing while being imperfect he will relax too. No one and nothing is perfect. If he grows up feeling that everything has to be perfect all the time it could lead to Obessive Cumpulsive Disorder (OCD) and then you have a whole new set of issues to deal with.

My son has some very similar tendencies. What I try to do is build in some observation time for a new activity. We went to skating lessons early and he watched the other kids and we talked about how the structure of the lesson went. Same thing with floor hockey - went to an earlier game so he could see how it worked. But sometimes he just needs to wait a while before he can jump in. He really wants to understand something well before he does it himself.

Now that he's in school his teacher is very helpful. For a while he would leave lines blank on his spelling tests if he didn't feel confident he could spell the whole word perfectly. His teacher finally gave him the instruction that he had to at least write down the first letter. And because he has that perfectionist streak, he wanted to follow her direction (and the rest of the word came to him.)

We've talked a lot about learning, and I try to remember to even praise mistakes because it's a learning opportunity. You might remind your son that unless he had done a lot of falling down, he'd still be crawling like a baby - but mistakes are how we learn and grow.

Please also be patient. This is how he learns. And the other person who mentioned anxiety is right on, too. If you put pressure on him to try something before he's ready, that will increase the anxiety. (that doesn't mean you shouldn't push him a little, but not to the point where he's highly uncomfortable or it becomes a battle.)

My son is reluctant to join things, which is 100% inconsistent with his personality. He is outgoing, and very social, yet I can't get him to join things he doesn't know about (soccer, rec t-ball, camp, etc). It's not so much because he's a perfectionist (I don't think) but because doesn't know what's going to happen, and it scares him. Again, this is totally inconsistent with my super-outgoing, friendly boy, but it's just the way he is. What we've done is try to expose him to things--as it sounds like you are--that he might be scared by. And then we take it very, very slowly, with lots of reassurance. He was scared of preschool; but when I reassured him I'd stay as long as he needed me to, he didn't need me very long. Ditto with kindergarten...riding the bus the first time...going to camp...all sorts of things. This year, we're going to force the issue of t-ball because he gets frustrated when the kids don't play by "his" rules (rules he makes up for a game in his head). I am fairly confident he'll enjoy it (and if he doesn't, he certainly doesn't have to do it next year), but we'll be with him every step of the way. I am guessing you probably do this for your son, but my bigger point is this: you may just have to wait it out until he discovers on his own that he's missing out. Perhaps, for example, at the skating rink, you could have pointed out that sitting there isn't much fun; you'd like him to join you and you could learn together. When/Assuming he says no to this, offer to go home...which may not be what he wants, either, putting him perhaps in a position to realize that the fun is in the doing. Perhaps even looking at OTHER kids who are struggling would help?