Work Habits for Kindergartener

Home school and she will not get bored later years when her perfectionist work gets way ahead of everyone.

Wow. Kindergartern seems brutal. I thought stuff like this didn't happen until they got into elementary school....

She (and you) need a balance. She should be doing her best within the time allowed. Starting a project over and over is not a good habit to make. I don't know if she can tell time yet. Perhaps you can practice at home with a kitchen timer so she can see how much time she has left. I am a teacher, and unfortunately, the students who try to be perfect from the very beginning, end up learning and experiencing less than those who brush off a mistake and keep on going. It's a good life lesson, too.

Oh man, listen to me now. You are heading down a bad path.

You just said your daughter is a perfectionist. Don't you know perfectionism is a bad thing? Perfectionism causes just the things you are talking about - e.g. not completing work and not turning it in on time.

You are contributing to this with your "encouraging quality of work," and "not condoning mediocrity." Bad. Wrong.

And by the way, how perfect does a hand turkey have to be?

In kindergarten they should be playing and having fun. Have you heard the quote, "education is not the filling of a vessel but the lighting of a fire?" Light her fire for learning with joy, not tedious perfectionism.

It took me three kids to learn this hard lesson, as I began the same way with my first son as you are. It will not end well if you don't stop now. Stop stressing out your poor kindergartener and lighten up, or you will regret it.

My first son, who I did exactly what you are doing with, always bit his nails to the quick and never completed work. I battled him through high school and he graduated with a low B average. He just dropped out of college to join the Navy. My youngest child I basically ignored in school (though I was heavily involved in his school, I just left the teaching to the teachers), and he has a 4.6 GPA in high school, is in 4 honors classes, and wins on the debate team.

Do YOU like to do things that are stressful and not fun? Light your daughter's fire.

I think your daughter is way too young to understand "balancing" quality of work and time. Just put it on the backburner for now and see where she is in a few years.

You give a clue as to why she feels things must be perfected and repeats them over until they are- it sounds like you are very hard to please and a perfectionist yourself. (I don't mean this in a bad way- I am also very hard to please! So I know). Here is the problem, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. What we model for our children- they will learn and become, seems like no matter how hard we try to point them another way!
I know this from the experience with my 13 yr old, who now is just as hard on her brother and sister as I was/am on her. I can see she will be just like me with her own kids.
Ultimately we need to be easier going with expectations on others around us, and very importantly, the expectations we put on ourselves. If you can figure out what you can do to lessen the expectations you have of yourself- how you could give yourself a break and accept things that aren't perfect, then you will know what to do for your daughter.

I agree with Page - I have 4 children - 2 have graduated and 2 are in elementary.

Our first daughter - who is now 22 - was a perfectionist and her Mom (I'm the step-mom for the 1st 2) pushed and pushed and pushed her to be better and do better and it was never good enough. She was very insecure and it took, literally 20 yrs for her to finally start getting past it. She was a good student - but never felt good enough.

Our first son - who is now 21 - was left to his own devises most of the time in school, with the exception of us making sure he got his homework done. He is now doing great in college and is very secure in himself.

Your daughter is in Kindergarten for crying out loud! She's still a baby. Let her be a child. Getting A+'s in kindergarten or not is not going to form her future. Relax. You aren't "condoning mediocrity", you're letting her be a child.

Good luck and God bless-
C.

I think I'd listen to "that doesn't seem right to me." Do you want her to work for grades, or do you want her to love to learn? Do you want her to fit into the school's model or do you have another idea of what learning means? She will learn time management, but she's FIVE. There is an inordinate amount of stress on children earlier. If she loves what she is doing, exploring, challenging herself, isn't that enough for now? Setting up time restrictions is appropriate, later. I would talk to your child's teacher about her/his expectations, and then really consider what is appropriate for your child.

We want are kids to succeed now, but not at the expense of loving to learn later.

Jen

I have a kindergartner too, and just remember that kindergarten is the stepping stone for school. Once she hits first grade, she'll have a certain amount of time to finish work, and if it's not completed, she'll either be sent home with it or stay in from recess to finish it. So, if I were you, I would let it go. She's still getting in her school groove, and the teachers next year will get her into the completion of projects in a more efficient manner. My son's coloring is perfection, and he takes his time on it too for the same reason. I've never said anything to him. I figure once he hits first grade, if his perfectionism causes assignments to take longer, there are worse things to deal with

How about a simple conversation with your daughter relaying her report card information? "Your report card shows you have done excellent work! That's great. I knew you would do well and I am proud of you. Your teacher says that one area you could improve on, and do even better, is completing and turning things in on time. Do you think you can do better with that in class? (pause for her response). Well let's be sure we turn our work in when the teacher needs it done. Okay?" The end. If she says there is a problem with running out of time, "maybe we can talk to Ms. __ about that." And then do. Perhaps you might ask her teacher (not in your daughter's presence) if she gives time 'warnings'... to help them learn to manage their time? You know, statements like: "You should be almost finished with___, in another minute or two, I'll collect them." Children often need these prompts because they haven't learned to judge time yet. Unless the teacher has indicated that her finishing project issues is directly related to her perfectionism, maybe you shouldn't make that assumption. Maybe something more straightforward is the issue....
Your daughter may just not be aware there is an issue with time. Often, just bringing it to her attention will resolve it. She is in kindergarten. Give her a chance to make mistakes (that's what this whole thing seems to be about, right?) and learn from them. She will now know she needs to be aware of spending too long on assignments, and she can figure out what she needs to do to finish on time.
If she is otherwise an excellent student, don't make a mountain out of a molehill.

And now I really understand why Kindergardeners shouldn't even GET report cards.

My DD received one a while back and I honestly couldn't tell you what's on it or not. It's not that I don't care, but in all honesty I don't care what they have to say. She is who she is and she's learning how to cope in a school environment.

I'll echo the other moms who said, drop it. She's five. This is her thing to figure out. If she was 15, it might be time to worry, but not now. Put a match to the 'report card' and burn it. GL.

Well ok this is a difficult and complex thing isn't it! My middle daughter was also a perfectionist at an early age but her preschool teacher worked very hard on teaching her it is OK to make mistakes. That is what learning and school is all about. If you don't make a mistake ever you will never learn from it. In preschool they were never allowed to write or do any paperwork in pencil or anything other then marker because they wanted to teach that you do not have to be perfect. If you make a mistake and realize it, don't start over just fix it as best you can (x it out and rewrite it or mark the correct answer,etc) and move on. It is good that she really is trying her best and that is what you expect from her but you (and she) should not expect perfection. It is way too much pressure.
If she is not completely her work because she keeps starting over and trying to make it perfect this should be something you and the teacher work to help her change. I expect my children to do their work correctly, neatly,etc but I except them erasing a word they spelled wrong rather than rewritting the whole paper. This perfectionism will only make things more difficult for her as school progresses. Also if she makes a mistake on a test and gets it wrong or a bad grade the perfectionist in her will really degrade herself and that will only lead to further struggles. If she is not completely her work because she is distracted or day dreaming,etc that is a different story all together.
Always encourage her to do her best but if she can't quite form a letter perfectly or color exactly in the lines, etc. That is ok as long as she is trying her hardest to get it right the first time, she should practice the thinks she is not "perfect" at to improve but only to an extent.
I set high standards for my children, however I am realize that they are all different. My oldest really has to work to get good grades. C's are not exceptable in my house because that is his getting through it without any effort grades. D's or F's are just plan laziness and not doing it at all. But if he works hard and gets a B that is celebrated (especially in Lang. Arts area) However B's in reading is not exceptable for him because that ='s laziness for him, etc. I know his strengths and his weaknesses and if he works on his weaknesses and excells that his strengths that is fantastic! My 1st grade daughter however doesn't have to work for all A's except in hand writting (she is left handed and just can't get it perfect) so B's are celebrated because she worked hard for her B in hand writting where all other subjects she is just expected to get As because they come easy for her. I always encourage hard work and best effort possible without perfection being a requirement! My youngest daughter is very meticulous and she may have some issues next year in Kindergarten completely some or her assignments as well (when she sits down to color every area of the picture is colored in the lines, very neatly, with tons or color (she is also starting to vary her colors to make "shades" and "shadows"... he dad is an artist so she hears that alot and is following in his footsteps). so when she has a paper at PreK that is color the star that is #4 green and #9 orange, etc. Her teacher will often have to tell her to just mark the correct star with the correct color first then go back to color for the amount of time allowed for that assignment. She never completely colors those papers at school but shows she did the assignment and knew what she was doing then finishes at home coloring the rest. Maybe something like that would encourage your daughter to get her work done in the time allowed without her feeling she is not doing her high standard or work.
Hope this helps :)

This is a hard one... it is important to meet deadlines in every aspect of life, but you don't want to teach her not to do her best or it might backfire later. Maybe you should try putting a time restriction on homework time, coloring time or craft/project time... start out with a reasonable amount of time and the cut off 5 min each time you cut back the time. Talk to the teacher & see how much independent sudy time they are given normaly in the classroom & try to work your daughter down to that amount of time or the amount of time the teacher thinks homework should take. That way she is still trying to do her best, but learns to do it within a shorter amount of time. If she is able to learn this skill now - it will help her later in school & into the workforce later in life when she really has deadlines to hit.

Also, try to see your daughter as a kindergardner... she is still really young & will get destracted sometimes. Also, all kids are a little different... I have one that loves numbers and one that has a hard time with them. It will take time for you to see your daughters strengths & weaknesses... take the time to help her with both as she needs it, but try not to get upset about her weaknesses - just try to find a way of helping her through them & work to be a better student.

First, as a former teacher and mother of seven, founding school board member for the very successful Irvine USD, and daughter of a master first grade teacher for 35 years I can't tell you how much I object to the very idea of formal report cards and assignments "completed on time" for kindergarten. Many children are just not ready for that stage in their development at age 5. Sitting quietly and listening to the teacher for reasonable periods, cooperating with other children during play, learning to follow directions given in sequence, categorizing, and of course sounds and simple mathematical concepts prepare children to really "take off" as soon as they are intellectually ready. Those who are ready to be more formal in their learning will actually do it on their own.

One of my daughters sounds a lot like your daughter. Please be reassured that she graduated from UCI with a very good record, now owns and operates her own successful dance school, continues to choreograph and perform, has two great children, and is active politically in support of education. Yet a beginning first grade teacher assumed she was developmentally disabled because she didn't finish standardized tests and assignments. The teacher didn't even realize that my daughter was actually already reading on a second grade level, because she was too shy to tell the teacher, and also because she was such a perfectionist that she was spending a long time on each question and each assignment in order to get it perfect! As a matter of fact, she was never put in the "gifted" classes just because she didn't finish all questions on a test -- although every question she did finish was perfect. We took her to a psychologist who told us just to let her be -- that was her personality and she would do fine. And she did. She is actually my most responsible child as an adult.

As a perfectionist myself in a family of them, I do know that it can go too far and can make you miserable at times, and cause you to "dither" rather than moving forward when you need to. Balance is important, I agree. But I also think it doesn't seem right to teach, as you say, that it's OK not to do your best as long as it's done in 30 minutes. There are times when that is true, but most of the time, it's not. As a person grows more mature, they do need to learn when deadlines trump perfection. You can try to help your daughter begin to make those decisions. For instance, is the work just busy work? Then get it out of the way and have time to do something worthwhile. Or is it really a learning activity? Then spend the time necessary to do it right, even if you can't get it all done by a deadline.

After reading your "what happened" note:

I was really shocked and dismayed by the reference to the "art" experience! If the teacher is doing some kind of psychology project to see who the child draws as the biggest figure, that's one thing, but your daughter is the one who is doing the right thing here! To encourage that much mediocrity in art that you would only give children 15 minutes to draw is really bad! It's a trivialization of an important part of both learning and life, and a bad preparation for the people who will actually make their living in the arts. Think of the many people who are designers, for instance! (I own an architectural graphics design firm, five of my children do now, or have made their living in the arts, and another is a serious "leisure" artist.)

i urge you to not discourage her artistic expression in the interest of time. she is in kindergarten and time does not matter. yes, later in life, she will learn that sometimes she may need to compromise in order to "get the job done", but now is not one of those times.

i know that you are torn between trusting her own guidance and expression and wanting to prepare her for the world out there (deadlines, bosses, etc.) but this is what i think: if she has the passion inside her and the drive inside her to express herself in the best possible way, to her high standards, then you've already won.

isn't that something that's lacking in a lot of adults these days? passion and a strong knowledge of herself and what she wants to express are amazing qualities. nuture these! with these qualities she will never fail in life.

she is very lucky to have parents like you and your husband, for you have allowed her to know herself so well already.

I had a perfectionist for a child and it was so difficult. Down the line it can pour into many different aspect of their life, self esteem issues, etc. I only have two questions. What is wrong with doing satisfactory work? And. What did you learn most from in your life your successes or your failures? I am all for letting children be children. I do not understand how it can be mediocre if you are doing your best!

She's 5 years old. Can she just enjoy the social aspect at this time in her life? Is she learning in an age appropriate manner? The point is to establish a love of learning right? So she'll have a positive association with school through out her life. Children at 5 don't even have a concept of time yet and you want her to grasp time management? These are things to stress when she's in grade 3,4, and 5. Let her enjoy the process. Tell the teacher your goals and let your daughter know you love what she does.

"Perfectionism" & repetitive habits, especially in a child, is their way of putting some sort of control in their lives over things they cannot control or are not able to or not allowed to.
It is a ripple.... of things, this being one ripple.

She is so young, and if "fun" is not in her realm of school experiences in relation to "Homework", she WILL get burnt out.... and if then also feels she has to "please" everyone... in order to get good marks and reviews... she will burn out.
A child this young... needs to know that enjoyment and social aspects of school is just as important...
if she is compulsive in any respect, perhaps talk with her Pediatrician.

She seems real stressed.... really not good for such a young child. Sometimes, it can, later when they are older, develop other problems.

She is probably just trying to "do" what she has always been raised around since she was born.... to be "high-achieving" etc. for better or for worse. Since that is what she knows and has been exposed to, and has been told or been hearing amongst the family socially and in conversation and how family views others or not etc. It is the SOCIALIZATION of a child... and what habits/traits the acquire along the way.... vicariously or not, by their family or others.

She basically has to re-learn all that was taught to her about being 'high-achieving' being the best. Versus, she just being a "child" and having fun and there is no big deal with making mistakes, because that is natural and normal... and that is how people learn. Even genius Scientists learn by trial and error AND mistakes. And, This is the fundamental catalyst for great discovery.

She needs to be re-taught and about what "learning" and "achieving" is all about. Because she is having a hard time, adjusting to being just a regular kid. It seems to really stress her... being "perfect" and all.

Next, her School seems SO rigid and highly structured. Maybe the school is just not a good fit for her? Perhaps... a more expressive/creative flexible school AND approaches, would be more suitable for her?
All the best,
Susan

Dear A.,
I am a teacher so I am commenting from experience. A SATISFACTORY grade is GOOD not bad. It is when the grade says UNsatisfactory that you should worry. I give the OUTSTANDING grades out to some students but I predominantly give out satisfactory. Perhaps the word is anti-climatic, but the intending meaning is that your child is behaving the way they should for their grade level. Maybe the word should be GOOD. Outstanding is saved for kids who go above and beyond the expectations. So please, do not stress over this... rejoice! Your daughter is doing just great!
Love,
J.

I understand your point of view, however think about when she gets older. I teach fifth grade and there are kids who do not finish their tests, classwork, homework, etc. on time. I allow them to stay afterschool, sometimes, but I encourage their parents to push them to work faster. II tell them to always keep in mind that time only becomes more crucial as they progress in school. What is going to happen in high school, college. I know it sounds like too much.
Encourage her to always do her best, however, sometimes we need to work a little bit faster than others.
Best of luck.

as a wife of a teacher who taught 1st grade for over 11 years and some of those years were k-1 combo, i want to encourage you to not focus too much on quality of work (at this young age), but just doing her best and in a timely fashion. yes. set a time limit. surprise? Quality of work, yes..but that's for later.

but here's the important reason:
when my husband encountered students who were such perfectionists....
for example, with writing (yes, first graders do start writing stories!), students who are focused on penmanship have the hardest time writing stories or journals...because they could not put their thoughts on paper. their ideas could not flow. to be a good writer at an early age, it's not about how neat your write, but how much thought you can put on paper (especially in first grade). how can you worry about penmanship and grammar when you hardly have any thought put down? at her age, it's not important to worry about penmanship and especially grammar when you need to first train them to get their thoughts "flowing on paper".

i too teach writing to 5th and 6th graders after school and i don't allow them to use any erasers. if they don't like something, just cross it out and keep going. If they stop to erase, they will interrupt their thought process and accomplish nothing. I have students that first came into class erasing every sentence that they wrote because they changed their mind and by then end of class...got nothing accomplished, but maybe 3 sentences. It's a rough draft, it's not supposed to be neat.

very ineffective.

it doesn't matter whether it's writing, or math, or science...it's like reaching a goal or building something...you need to map out the big ideas first (from start to finish), then go back and fill in the little details. Not the other way around. That way, at the very least, you have a map laid out, a rough idea from start to finish; you're on your way to completing your task. Otherwise, you're just stuck in one place going nowhere.

my husband and i send our daughter to an awesome preschool and she is learning so much from their amazing program. nonetheless, one thing that they did that we disagree was expect the students to work on their penmanship or redo something if it isn't done neatly. she's only 3.5. if they start correcting her on her spelling when she free-writes, we're out of there. :)
but I did ask them to not make her redo so long as she's doing her best, gets her work done on time, have the correct answers and is legible, we do not want her to get in the habit of focusing on being such a perfectionist.

hmm.. reading these responses was very interesting. I tend to be in the middle and think you really need a balance of both. Although I understand what they are saying about it only being kindergarten and letting kids be kids - I do think you should balance these things. There's nothing wrong with you teaching her quality of work and time management. Those things will probably be better learned though by you just demonstrating it at home. They learn so much just by the environment they are in. If you are taking the "quality of work" to the extreme though because of your own perfectionist tendencies, that can be damaging to her. I just think you need to find a balance. If you are wanting to teach quality and time management in practical ways, a great tool is chore times. (if she has chores, if not, now's a great age to start and can be a great tool to teach them what you are wanting.) Keep these kinds of things you want to teach out of the school realm for now because she is so young. She can learn these through so many other activities at home - like with chores. Then when she starts to grow in those traits it will flow over into her school work later in the upper grades when she will really need it to. For now, I would talk to her teacher about not putting so much time emphases on her work - and having the teacher explain to her more what the true purpose of the assignment is. If she understands what the point of it is, it will help her focus more on what she is really supposed to be getting done - but without the pressure, just encouragement and guidance/nudging in the right direction. And like I said - try to keep the other life lessons outside of school work for now. I do agree that when they start school, it is SO important to make sure they get a love for learning! That will help solve so many other problems down the road if you can instill that in her now. :)

I think time management is actually MORE important to learn in kindergarten than perfection. I mean, geez, the kid is only 5, shouldn't she be spending more time in imaginative play than the perfect formation of the letter K or "staying inside the lines?" My daughter also struggles with "getting it perfect" so what we did in kindergarten was to make it a game - Let's see if you can finish this worksheet in 10 minutes! You decide if there will be some sort of reward or whatever. It worked pretty well for us, but it took a few days to get her into that mindset. Her work actually looked better because it wasn't all smudged with eraser marks. She is in second grade now, but will still tend to slip back into erasing and doing it over. She is motivated to finish on time because I let her watch her favorite show on TV if she gets her work done before it is over. Good luck. It is a struggle, but it is also pretty important. The work only gets more voluminous and complicated.

I guess you have run into the conflict of quality over quantity. Teachers are under a lot of pressure to cover a lot of stuff with our kids and so the time limits are going to be a big part of school. Maybe find another analogy...like with cooking. Sometimes you just have to cook something fast so you can eat, rather than make a picture perfect meals that could be shown on a magazine cover.
If your daughter really likes the quality aspect, make sure her teacher knows that that is her strength, and that you hope the curriculum allows for projects that emphasize planning and execution as well as those for speed.
A good teacher will be looking out to protect her students' enthusiasm.

Hi there A.. It is clear you are a concerned and dedicated parent. It is quite possible that your daughter knows of the overachiever feel and is responding with the same level of effort/focus. At her young age though, this may be too much pressure to effectively manage. Encourage and highlight the effort and help her focus at least a little less on the end result -- there is plenty of time for her there. Kindergarten is about leaning the basics -- I have no doubt there is way past that (smile). S. A. K., MFT

Tell her to finish her projject and if she is not satisfied go back and rewrite it but to turn in what ever producject is finished aat the proper time i hope she can do that goodluck A. no hills

I think you encourage her to pick her battles. There are some assignments that my Kindergarteners would take a long time on because it was related to drawing. Now, I didn't want them to draw a 2 second stick figure that looked like chicken scratch, but there were some kids who would draw with such amazing detail that they never finished on time. Also, KG has lots of things that they are supposed to color & cut. They are really working on strengthening their fine motor skills. One of my kids would take forever on those types of assignments.I explained to one child and said that it depends on the assignment. If it's a special art project or something that I'm really looking at the illustration for assessment, yes go all out and be detailed. However, many KG assignments involve coloring in the pictures that begin with a certain letter. Those don't have to be perfect, those I'm assessing letter knowledge. Encourage her that it needs to be neat in that case, but doesn't have to be pretty. :) She needs to do her best on what she's learning and what that assignment is about. If she worries about every detail, she is going to stress out in school. I recall another perfectionist who would burst into tears if he messed up on a picture or didn't finish it on time. Half the time I didn't even know he'd mess up, it just didn't look like he wanted it to look.

Another example you could give is a grown up situation. You could say that sometimes mommy or daddy has a project for work and has to have it due on a certain day. If it's not due, they get in trouble at work with their boss or the client (put that in kid terms) may not be happy and won't come back. Tell her that if mommy or daddy spends all week working on it and always starting over, they would never get to spend any time with family. Explain that it would make you upset starting over and over again and might get grouchy. As we grow up, we try our best, but no one is perfect. (can relate that to Hannah Montana song- Nobody's Perfect) No matter what mommy/daddy have to turn in the project on time. It needs to be done and done correctly.

I don't know if you are creative at all, but this would make a great skit between puppets or people. You could act out someone getting frustrated and starting over and over. (real dramatic and silly) Then, you could act out never really doing the assignment. I bet your daughter will see the problem when she gets to watch it through her own eyes. Then you could follow up with a discussion of what the problem was with the person in the skit and how to fix it.

I hope that helps. I know where you are coming from and it's great that she really cares. There are a lot of kids who could care less.

First of all, I think you need to remind yourself that this is kindergarten. I am not trying to trivialize anything. I do think that you have nothing to worry about. She will come to understand the balance of quality and time restrictions. I agree that it is a hard thing to explain to a 5 yr old. Maybe try explaining that part of doing your best is getting it done in the time given to you. In any case, if she comes from a family of overachievers, chances are she will be one too!