6 Yr Old's Best Friends Mom Doesn't like My Child

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Nothing good will come out of talking to this woman. It is really possible that what every "telephone game" like response your daughter told you that her friends mother told her was lost in translation somewhere. Maybe it isn't you at all, maybe it is them! The pressures on a family inside the four walls of thier house often make for unhappy people who we can't read well at all.

Tell your daughter that you are sure that nobodies Mommy would say something like that, and you think it is a missunderstanding. She should be friendly to every child at school, and let that be enough.

If I were to talk to this Mom at all, I would tell her that your daughter is very fond of her daughter, and you hope that one day they can get together and play, and if she calls to give regrets for the RSVP, just leave it at that and tell her that your daughter will miss having her freind at the party.

This will not be the first time your daughter hurts, and it will always make you angry; for the most part, you should always let it go. You just never know what will happen when you bat a ball back over the net. Sometimes, you really don't need to find out.

M.

She probably didn't say it. Or at least, not with that intention.
I don't think I'd trust the verbal rsvp from a 6 yo.

What mother on earth, when handed a party invitation would tell her daughter to tell the kid: "I can't come. I need to make new friends" ???
Perhaps her mother said something to the effect that "Jane is the only classmate you ever talk about--haven't you made more friends than O.?" It could all be a huge misunderstanding. I wouldn't trust my 7 yo son to accurately convey truths all of the time! ;-)

If there is an rsvp on the invitation and you don't hear from the mom, I'd call and ask if she will or won't be coming.

I think the title of your post is a bit premature!

I'd be cautious about making this a truth chiseled into stone. As other posters have pointed out, the potential for misinterpretation is huge. Not that your daughter didn't "hear" that, but I know I have misheard comments quite a few times in my life and experienced a fair amount of unnecessary suffering over those events. Watched acquaintances with similar experiences. And the misunderstanding engendered can keep on snowballing, creating bad blood for a long time to come.

I would want to teach my child (in my case, my grandson) how NOT to become part of that dynamic.

I'd use this as an opportunity to work on feelings, empathizing with the feelings she's expressing, neither trying to talk her out of them or magnify or morph them into something bigger. "Wow, that's a hard thing to hear from somebody you really like, isn't it? I see how sad you are feeling." Then give lots of space for the child to process, digest, give feedback.

Amazingly, this simple approach often gives a kid (or an adult, for that matter) the opportunity to work through the worst of the pain and come to some useful solution. For example, a child might say something like, "Maybe I need to find new friends, too! Maybe I'm counting on X to be my friend for everything. That might be too much!"

Even if the mom actually said that, there is still room for a more positive spin on what she meant. And even if she meant it in the crudest, coldest possible way, that doesn't mean your daughter must internalize it and be damaged by it. Her hurt can be temporary, and a stepping stone to more mature attitudes and expectations.

Try this thought experiment: imagine you're a mom who doesn't like a child your daughter associates with. You make some comment that your daughter carries to the other child. The other mom is upset and confronts you about it. What would you say? Would you be truthful, defensive, fib and try to smooth it over? Would you be frank about what you don't like in the other child? Would you wave her away and avoid that family forever? Would you seek emotional support from your circle of friends and neighbors, perhaps gossip, thus starting and "us vs. them" dynamic? Would any of this teach your child anything positive about how to handle difficult emotions?

It would be hard to think on your feet in that situation. And whatever you say would probably not be satisfying to either of you.

Unless the other mom can truthfully say "Goodness! I so did NOT say that! I am so sorry – here, let's call the girls together and straighten this out right now!!!", I can almost guarantee you that asking the mom about it, IF she did mean that your daughter should be phased out of her daughter's circle, will not bring anything useful or healing into the mix.

I hope your daughter will mend in a positive way from this sad encounter. It could be a misunderstanding. She would do well to have your calm, loving support. You may have suggestions that will help her along, but I hope you'll give her the opportunity to explore her own emotional landscape and make her own discoveries about a way forward.

That is hard to hear but I think you and your daughter should do the same. I wouldn't confront the woman just let it go.

Yes, I would ask her.
Because... there is total avoidance, on her part.... to come into contact with you and your daughter.

I would ask her... nicely, not in a negative way... but in a Confident way... and don't be 2nd fiddle to her.

Something like this did happen to me/my daughter... I asked the Mom... turned out, she didn't 'like' me because we are not her religion. AND, I had turned down a birthday party invitation, from a friend of ours. But we couldn't attend that party, because we were invited to another party on that same day and I had already RSVP'd to that party, first.

I still talk that woman if I bump into her... but I don't cower nor show discomfort... I show confidence and am cordial. I am not going to be snitty about it. She is just different from me.... but I don't agree with her rigid moral judgments she put on me.. nor my daughter. Our daughters used to play together all the time. Not anymore.
And yes, I told my daughter... 'why' we don't interact anymore. I was honest with my daughter. My daughter, has learned 'adult' hang-ups and the why's of it. She is a confident girl and does not take it personally. My daughter is 7.

All the best,
Susan

Rally around your girl to help her decide to not be an ugly person. Teaching her young heart through the trying times is the best you can do to use the opportunity and not waste it. It becomes about her refining through experiences and not modeling behavior to be ashamed of. Talk to her and plant a seed that makes her aware and willing to love others because it is right and I have found it helps our kids to move past the incident and grow themselves for the experience. :)

Personally I would talk to the woman. Don't be aggressive...I'd just ask because it's something that has really hurt your child's feelings. To be honest...there's a little girl I have instructed my 5yr old to not play with because she makes bad decisions when she is around her (not listening, doing things she knows is wrong, etc). I am not saying this is the case with your child...but it might be and you just don't know. If my daughter came home saying her friend said she wasn't allowed to play with her anymore...I would want to know the reason why and try to rectify it. Good luck! Let us know what happens.

I have been and am so where you are! We have the ONLY child our daughter's age who live across the street. They are "friends" at school, but the other mom hardly talks to us (or any of the neighbors for that matter), refuses to do playdates and no longer socializes with us in any way.

Clearly my 7 yr old understands that they can't play together at home/have playdates because this other mom won't allow it. When my daughter asked why her "friend" replied, "Because my mom thinks your rude."

I have TRIED talking with my neighbor. Have tried inviting her daughter over to play, but they are monumentally busy.

I am done trying. I have told my daughter to continue to be nice, to enjoy her friend's company at school and don't worry about the friend's mother and what she thinks.

I have explained that we cannot control what other people think or do. All we can do is be polite, and essentially avoid the mother. That being polite is expected, but that's ALL I expect. We no longer invite the girl over, we no longer invite her to birthday parties, carpool, etc. I am trying HARD to respect that this other parent wants nothing to do with us/my child.

Why? I have NO idea. A conflict between the kids when they were in kindergarten and 5 yrs old? The kids have gotten over that, why can't she?

The girls are nice to each other. We share the same bus stop and are nice to each other. I don't know what else she expects.

So my advice would be ONLY approach the other mother if you are willing to listen to what she has to say. Don't get defensive. Maybe give her a call and say, we never got your RSVP for the party. My daughter was really looking forward to your daughter coming. If she says they can't, then ask for a playdate instead. Or directly ask her for some clarification about what her daughter said...just make it sound like you're confused, not accusing her of being mean. Kids DO misunderstand/misinterpret things.

Otherwise, teach your daughter to be a nice person, to enjoy her friend's company at school and that you can't force the girl or her mother to accept a playdate invitation.

We choose to focus on the nice, happy and polite people in our lives. I feel bad for the people who are mean, angry, etc.

I think the best way to live life - especially when it involves the drama of school or work conflicts - is to be a happy person and show "those people" that you're having a great time with or without them.

Best wishes. I know it's hard to see your child rejected or disappointed.

I would let it go. You don't know if that is what was really said/interpreted, and you don't know what the family might be going through or what her previous experiences are. I would acknowledge your daughter's feelings while explaining that it might have been a mis-communication. I happen to be one of those people that is not too crazy about going to another family's house for a play date before I get to know them through the school system. I am very selective because I do not want to open doors that cannot be closed without disappointment. I usually only accept play dates from parents that volunteer on the same committees that I do, because I developed a working relationship and was able to observe their personal ethics. I also have a really busy schedule and value my personal family time.

I would also call the parents to invite them to a family function like a birthday rather than sending my kid with invites to school. I think it is more considerate and meaningful.

I have a wonderful friend that I wasn't allowed by mother to be friends with we met in kindergarten and here it is 25 years later and we are still best friends! We always played together at school and still get together now on a regular basis it helped that we had mutual friends so we saw each other at other girls' parties. I would just let it go and let your daughter know that just because they can't speak outside of school doesn't mean they can't be friends and play together at school. I will never tell my children at a young age like this that they can't be friends with someone. There is a boy up the road that is very sweet but his older brother is trouble so we have the younger boy come play at our home instead of not allowing the friendship at least at my home I can monitor what is going on.

If you want to know the reason, then you need to ask the mother. Be prepared for whatever the answer is. It may not have anything to do with your child.. It may be based on an assumption or perceived impression. It may have been a misunderstanding or communication. It also lets the mother know that what she says to her daughter gets back to the person she speaks of. Also speak with your child's teacher. Let her know you want her to be TOTALLY honest about her observations of your child.

I am not saying this is your child, but, here is what one of my best friends tells her classes about friendships and behaviors.. She was our daughters teacher in 4th grade. .. She says was a very loud and bossy child. She could never keep friends..She was needy. She was clingy.

Her mother kept trying to teach her the subtly of social behaviors, but our friend would not listen.. Finally in about 4th grade, all of the girls she thought were her friends, quit, playing with her, inviting her to their homes and finally just would not play with her.. She finally asked one of her favorite friends why they would not play wioth her anymore.. and she just told her.. "You are too bossy, you do not listen to me and you always have to be right."

Our friend then started trying to behave more like a good friend..

Again, this may not have anything to do with your child, but you will never know till you ask..

A very similar situation happened to my daughter. I totally called the Mom on it. She had said several times that our girls could get together for a sleepover and then she would say no every time we asked. I then found out that she was letter her sleepover at the neighbors down the block. That hurt my daughter's feelings and I asked her about it. She said that it wasn't a personal issue, just that her daughter doesnt' do well at sleepovers, she's too tired the next day and crabby and they don't like to deal with her the next day. So, I would totally call the Mom and see what's up! Good Luck!

M.,
If this woman doesn't like your daughter for whatever reason, then the farther she is away from your daughter, the better. Who doesn't like her kids good friend!!!
I know your daughter is hurt, but they can still be good friends @ school, also, I do think that it would be beneficial for your daughter to branch out a bit, that way she wont be hurt every time her friend can't come. Also, I would explain to your girl, that she can't control what people do, say or think, the best thing is to keep being as nice as she is, and learn to shrug it off. It will take her a long way, and help her be more positive.(A really hard thing to do)
About approaching the mother, why?? I mean, really!, of course I'd want to know, but is it really worth it, you might end up in an uncomfortable situation, that I personally think is not even worth it.
Whatever you decide, Good Luck and kisses to your little girl.

This may not be what you should do, but it's what I would do -call that mother and POLITELY ask why? I would preface it with the fact that my daughter was very disappointed her best friend couldn't come to her party, but her feelings were really hurt when the child said the reason was, "My mom thinks I need to find new friends." See what she says and go from there. I would just have to know if it was something she perceived about us or what the deal was. At the very least, I'm bitchy enough to want to make her VERY uncomfortable for what she did! Make sure you can keep calm during this call and if it starts really going awry, just say, "I'm not going to get into a shouting match/fight about this -sorry you feel that way and want to deprive your daughter of a good friend." Then hang up. Take the high road -but find out!

Wow, M., I feel for you. I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation, but wanted to offer encouragement. I guess I would urge my child to enjoy time with other friends as well as the nice little girl you mentioned. I think I might also call the other Mom, and ask if your daughter has behaved in a way that has her concerned. This could be a misunderstanding, but you won't know unless you tell the mom what her daughter said, and let her know you'd like to address her concerns. I think it will be a hard conversation to initiate, but asking these questions as a parent who doesn't want to see her child's feelings hurt is a good, non-confrontational way to approach this one! Best of luck! There's nothing worse than seeing your child hurting. You're a good mommy for wanting to nip this in the bud.

You already got great responses, I just had to write because I can totally relate. It's so hard to watch the kids negotiate friendships. Unless you have reason to the contrary, I would assume the other mom is just looking out for her daughter, not that your daughter did anything wrong.

I know that I was the kid who only wanted/needed/had one friend, and it was really hard- if that friend was sick I was devastated for the day. So I am very big on encouraging my daughter to have lots of friends. Maybe this other mom comes from a similar place.

If it really bugs you, and you feel comfortable with the other mom, there may be a natural way to bring it up. And not really even question her, just say something like "my daughter sure missed having (name) at her birthday party! if she has done something to upset you or (name), I hope you would feel comfortable telling me so I could address it". this is good because it's not even a direct question, just a statement. She has the option to go into details or just say ok!

But mostly, I think it's just a mom doing what she thinks is right, and may not realize the impact it had on your daughter. After all, she may not know how much your daughter really likes hers.

Good luck!

A good thing to do is just let it go, and tell your daughter she and this little girl can still be school buddies, but it would be nice for her (your daughter) to also branch out and get to know and be friends with some other girls who are able to come over and play, and come to her parties when invited. To be honest, I can admit I would have a really hard time just letting it go, though. I would so want to know why my daughter was getting the brush off, especially if I had no clue. You can ask her Mom nicely to tell you what was meant by her daughter, since your daughter's feelings were hurt. Tell her you really like her little girl, and your daughter really enjoys their friendship. Ask if your daughter or your family has done something to offend her. Be prepared to not get a straight answer. Most people's first reaction is avoid an uncomfortable conversation rather than lay all the cards on the table. But just maybe, if she is a decent person, she will feel bad your daughter got hurt, and make an attempt to support the girls' friendship.

I would ask her what's going on. Absolutely!
On the flip side, be very careful about how you react to whatever she says. Stay calm, ask questions. If she doesn't like your daughter because of some behaviors, well - that's your decision to make changes or not. Just try not to get defensive. :) (tough one, I know!)
Good luck!

Trust me, things get lost in translation! The friend is hearing her mom and putting her (6 year old) interpretation inot it, then telling your daughter, who is also putting her (6 year old) interpretation into it. Then, you're hearing her story of it. It's like playing that old game, telephone! (btw, we all do this, even as adults, so any message can be completely misconstrued by the 3rd or 4th telling)

I would call the friend's mom and say "I think there's a miscommunication and I'm getting the wrong message. Will your daughter be coming to the party?" and see what she says. If she comes out and says the same thing to you, then deal with it there. But if not, you'll have avoided confrontation over nothing and you can get the real message.

I would ask her. More than likely she won't be honest with you but you have to get it off your chest. Be sure she understands how hurtful it was for her daughter to tell your daughter that she needs new friends. Mothers are such a pain sometimes. I would also explain to your daughter that you cannot control what people do and that sometimes they are just hurtful. Then you might want to slowly steer her away from this girl. It will get ugly and you don't want your daughter hurt more by the girls comments her mother is feeding her. You may even want to see if the teacher in class can help by putting her with other little girls in class, etc. You can also help by asking other little girls over for play dates.

Good luck, this is a huge bummer.

Let it go. If you ask her it will come back through her daughter to yours. This mother can't keep her mouth shut. She had shown it. I have heard some moms teach child pretty strange things. Like they have to setup a social net work or click in first grade. I have watched those moms that have been picking on friends their children soon have few to no friends at all. Like no one is good enough to play with their daughter. Take it as her problem not yours.

I am more annoyed that the mother for whatever reason she doesn't like your daughter, would actually tell this to her daughter. Of course her daughter will repeat it and hurt your daughters feelings. That is just unacceptable in an adult. However, I also feel you addressing the mom will get you nowhere. I agree to tell your daughter if she likes the girls then she can be her school BFF and let it go. Maybe they will remain friends or maybe by next school year they won't be, so goes the social life of 6 year olds.

If it were me I would try to find out as much about this woman as I could to figure out where she is coming from with this. I would make sure it came up in conversation with moms that are mutual friends so I could dig for info. There are SO many things it could be though and it may hurt YOUR feelings as well to find out. Some ideas: religion, race, economic status, where you live, what you look like, how you dress, etc....Or it could be that your daughter has behavioral problems that you aren't aware of. Or it could be that this woman knows something about you or your family's past. The possibilities are endless really. You could and probably should just tell your daughter to be school friends. But if it were me I would SO get to the bottom of it. It is obviously affecting your daughter so it would be important to me to find out WHY it is so that I could understand and possibly rectify a situation that I wasn't even aware of. And I don't think asking her directly will help at all.