6 Yr Old Boy- Hard on Others- NOT a BULLY

Without knowing the whole story (what provoked your son's outbursts, etc.) I'd have to say I'd side with the babysitter's husband on this one. I understand you are paying her, but watching your son two days a week can't be bringing in that much income for them so I don't think I'd put up with such behavior either for a few bucks a week. Sorry, don't mean to sound harsh but it's truly how I would look at it if I was watching a child a few hours a week and I felt my kids were being hurt by the other child.

I guess if you feel that she has sheltered her kids and they lack social skills from being with her, why would you have her watch your child? I would think you would want to find someone for whom you have more respect.

Regardless of who or what is causing the problems this daycare situation doesn't seem to be working and I think the best thing for everyone would probably be for you to find other arrangements elsewhere.

Good luck,
K.

If your child behaved like that at my house he wouldn't be back again. I would never make your son feel badly, but would firmly and privately let you (Mom) know that his presence in my home was going to cease indefinitely (until I saw major signs of change).

Stop blaming other people and the way they raise their children and take a look at what you are doing with your own child. Therein lies the problem.

I don't think the other parents are over-reacting, I think you are under-reacting.

You say you don't condone this behavior, but you have some notion that "boys will be boys" and that "boys play rougher." You are making excuses for your son. Your son is bullying the other boy because you think it's okay because you think this kid is weak. Some how, your son has gotten the message from you that this kid needs to "toughen up." He's doing his best to make you proud!

Whether you like it or not, your son is bullying the other child. Put a stop to it now or it's going to spill over into school.

Edited to add that you don't think your son is a bully because he only bullies one child? That is ridiculous. Bullies aren't determined by volume - you only need ONE victim. You and your son view this kid and his little "rat dog" as weak. And whether you've said it out loud or not, your son is taking his attitude towards this family from YOU. Your scorn for them came through loud and clear in your post.

So, let's put the shoe on the other foot. What if the neighbor boy did those things to your son? What if the neighbor boy hit your son in the head and drew blood? What if that boy shoved a dog in your son's face and he got scratched? How would you react? Would you be all "boys will be boys" or would you intervene before the kid did some real harm?

Hi there,

I'm sorry, but your opinion that the other kids are "too sheltered" has nothing to helpful to do with the situation- and is probably a defensive mechanism to deflect blame. When your boy is over at their house, he needs to respect their rules. He's a harmful influence and they have EVERY right to terminate the relationship.

Now necessity has given you the opportunity to focus more on your child as you figure out other daycare options, why not investigate a little more and find out if he has been acting out in school, etc. If your child is having issues, show courage and integrity: face them head on and solve them.

Best of luck,
Erika

The wonderful part of this is that your son is 6 years old. The difficult part is that this is a close neighbor whom you have relied on to baby sit for you and it looks as though that is over.

Six year olds do try to experiment with aggression and where it will get them. It sounds as though the neighbor hasn't been watching them closely enough and also has failed to see the signs of trouble about to break out.

It is not up to you to help this family change their ways with their own children, but if you get into another home day care situation you should find out how closely the children are monitored .

It also sounds as though your son does well in school and can control his aggressive behavior when adults are watching. He is also old enough to know that being hit hurts and that no one likes to be hurt. I am not sure what you mean by saying "boys will be boys". That is surely not what socializing means. Children need to learn how to work cooperatively with others, especially their peers. they need to learn how to take turns and share and be patient and respect each others personal space. Adults are around when they are very small to help explain what is going on and to give some guidance along the way.

Your son can understand what has happened to cause him to be unwelcome at the neighbor's house and to do what he can to avoid this happening in the future. That is why it is so great that he is already six years old. It is a great time to learn how to get along with neighbors and potential friends.

Good luck with working this out!

Great grandma N.

There is an issue. "Boys being boys" does not mean being abusive or disrespectful to others or animals. Boys can be boys and treat each other as equals and with respect as they play, get dirty, argue etc. It seems they don't want to watch your son for appropriate reasons and it is their right to protect their children from whatever. How many caregivers will need to complain?

I don't think that the other boy is sheltered. I think your son is actively trying to get attention he isn't getting at home via bullying and aggressive behavior at the neighbor's. It all starts at home. Every teacher knows that...

Good Afternoon K.,

Six year old hits w/objects that “draw blood”

You, don’t like “little rat dogs”

Your son abused “little rat dog”

Sitter’s husband doesn’t want her to watch your child?

I would say you are “UNDER reacting”. Your day car lady is most likely a little timid and using The “my husband says/my wife says card”, instead of telling you upfront, she does not want to take care of your child any longer, because he has drawn blood from her child and been abusive to their animal, and instigated aggressive behavior between brother and sister.

You have stated that you “don’t like little rat dogs”….You child has clearly picked up on this and made the decision he doesn’t like “little rat dogs” either.

I would suggest a more structured day care environment that includes more children and no animals. You child did exhibit some bullying; this should be addressed by you and his dad, before he goes to the next child care situation.

Blessings....

This sounds like the start of a huge issue. You say he is not a bully, but it sounds like he is becoming one. You need to decide on punishment tactics now, and employ them religiously. You can have a loving nurturing home and still enforce good behaviour. Make sure the punishment you use actually works, then let him know that you certainly will punish him this way EVERY time he hurts another child.

You told the scenario here.... but one thing that is missing is:
What did you do with your son, since he did do something really disrespectful and bully-like?
Did you just let it go? Did you punish him? Did you teach him about the incident once you got home? Did you talk to him about it?
Or did you just not do anything? So then your son thinks its okay?
He is 6 years old.... not a 3 year old.

You said he's been more aggressive lately for the past MONTH.

If my kid was on the receiving end of your boy... I would not want to babysit him either. In fact, I used to babysit a girl.... that would do things like that to my daughter in our own home. I, then stopped watching this child. BECAUSE it was disrupting my child... and my home... and causing stress every time this girl came over. Her parents admitted that their girl is "very headstrong & bossy....". Ahem. Well, scratches on my daughter & bruises from that girl is NOT being "bossy" and "headstrong." It is being a not nice kid. To put it lightly.

It does not matter if a Mom is a SAHM... it does not mean that their kids are sheltered and inept socially and live in a bubble and quiver at playing with other kids or be scared of them.

Sure boys are boys. But that does not mean they go and lie and hit and push a dog in someone else's face.

It is ALSO a matter of sometimes people just don't get along. Kids too.
So... maybe your son might benefit from being in a daycare or preschool that is more up to his level and age. Maybe he just needs more constructiveness and structure. Because right now, it seems he does not get t that at the babysitter even though it is only twice a week.

I would shop around for another place for him.

Next, I really hope, your son was taught a lesson in this... that his behavior and hurting those kids was WRONG. There is NO excuse for it.

All the best,
Susan

I think there is a very serious issue, and agree it's not only best, but also their right to say we can't watch your son anymore because of repeated injuries to other children, misbehavior/ behavior that is putting other children at risk, and stress to their family.

I don't believe anyone is overreacting, and if this were a preschool or k12 situ. the same thing would be true. The parents and child would be worked with for a certain period of time, and after that would be asked to either leave, or to take a couple of weeks to work on those behaviors and come back on a probationary basis in preschool... or the child would be suspended in a k12 situ. (Although, for any offense that actually caused another child to bleed... like the spatula incident... that could equal automatic expulsion for any/all of the children involved since it's using a weapon/ encouraging the use of a weapon... be it a rock/spatula/spork/what-have-you).

While I get that you're not condoning his behavior... minimizing it, by saying that the other parent's children are too sheltered... doesn't help the situation, because it's placing the blame on the other kids. Either intimating that your son wouldn't be being violent if the other kids were _________, or that this kind of violence is what kids should expect from other kids.

It's hard and embarrassing when it's your child who is in the wrong, and it feels to me that you're on the fence. You know hitting and these kinds of behaviors are wrong and you totally don't condone it, but you are also rationalizing it by blame shifting onto the kind of kids and pets they have. Blame the victim. Which is a knee jerk response from MOST people, and is a proven scientific fact. (AKA: THEY fell down because they're clumsy, *I* fell down because I stepped on a patch of ice.) It's a protective measure that most of us have and use on a fairly regular basis.

Is a certain amount "boys will be boys"? I'm sure. But another amount has crossed over their comfort line. Which, as uncomfortable and embarrassing as it is, has to be respected. If it's a big deal to them, it's a big deal.

While the situation MAY be salvageable, it also has the potential to go down hard in flames. It would probably be for the best to find new daycare.

Where is the mom when all of this is happening? If she isn't personally witnessing what took place, no one can know for sure who said or did what. It sounds to me like she needs to keep a better eye on both your son and her son to make sure they are not hurting each other. It must be hard when there are three kids running around, but if you are paying her to watch your son, she should watch him. I guess that is a moot point since her husband doesn't want his wife watching your son any more.

If I were you, I would definitely feel defensive of my own son. But whether your son is being aggressive (sounds like a normal kid to me) or whether the other boy is having social issues, it sounds like it is in the best interest of both boys to be separated.

I personally think the woman and her husband are over-reacting, but I don't know what other issues they might be taking into account. Maybe the husband wants his wife to devote more time to their own son. It won't be easy, but you should find someone else to watch your son. Your son will probably be happier somewhere else too. Good luck!

Regardless of your opinion of your son's behavior, your neighbor doesn't want it in their house. You really have no say over that. All your can do is abide by their rules or find another child care situation.

I don't think the way they raise their kids has much to do with anything. I do think the problem is the sudden burst of aggressive behavior from your son. I have a son with ADHD, so I'm quite familiar with the mortifying behavior a child can be capable of, but there's always a reason in a very young child. He isn't really old enough to be a pure bully, so it's a matter of finding triggers or medical explanations. Have you contacted his pediatrician yet for advice on how to handle this change in behavior? That's a good starting point. Also, I would talk to his teachers and find out specifically if they've noticed any aggressive behavior lately. You may just not have had the reports from school yet, but they may be seeing early signs of problems.

Also, think about any changes at home. Kids can be very sensitive to change, so if there have been any illnesses, moves, family issues, whatever, it can affect them and lead to bad behavior. Aggression is often a way to seek attention ... kids often don't care if it's negative attention or positive.

Make sure there are immediate consequences for aggressive behavior. They should be of the "you're the meanest mom ever" variety -- he loses use of a video game system for a week, no TV for a week, loss of a favorite toy for a week. Whatever will be meaningful to him. You need to make sure that he knows what he did was wrong and that bad actions have bad consequences.

At the same time, consider positive feedback when he does behave at his new babysitter's house (assuming you will find a new one). Reward, reward, reward for any good days or when you notice him doing something particularly nice.

There is one thing that I would add here that I don't see. This disagreement with your neighbor/childcare provider is an opportunity for you to role model appropriate conflict management to your son. When you talk about your neighbor's concerns, and their decisions, (even in your own home, behind closed doors) try to do it respectfully, without name calling, being derogatory etc.) try to be empathetic to the fact that they are trying to do what they believe is best for their family (even if you disagree with what they are doing and why & how they are doing it). This teaches your son that we can disagree cordially, and demonstrates how to be a good neighbor even in the face of something that we find upsetting. I am really sorry that your families are going through this and hope the adults can find a way to show the little one's how to make peace. These lessons are some of the most powerful for our children.

I have a very well mannered 6 yr old boy. I also know that in his mind, he will see things like this as funny. I don't condone it either, but I understand where you are coming from.

We are good role models and have a happy house. My son isn't exposed to this type of behavior, but he does think it up on his own. I don't understand what's going on in a child's mind either, but I am sure that he doesn't understand how his actions are received on the other end. I think it's not until 12 yrs that empathy truly develops in children. (Some are better than others, but I wouldn't worry.)

I would talk to him about it. I would prep him before going over about what to do and what not to do. I would also think that the person who watches him should be more alert. You are paying her to watch him. There is buildup for a situation to get to this level and someone actually watching would notice this. There are triggers or predecessors that flag what is about to happen. -- hunger, frustration, over excitement....

Talk to the mom and see what you both feel comfortable with. Kids personalities are different, some are more physical than others. As they turn into adults, they control their personalities more, but until then, some kids will do this because they don't have the ability to empathize and put themselves in the other person's shoes.

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Addendum. I totally understand that your son is NOT a bully. Some kids are more physical. I also call them "rat dogs" but love them. I find it a humorous term.

I sympathize with you. Your son is in charge of his own actions and the caretaker is responsible to do just that - take care of the children. If she has trouble with that, perhaps you should rethink the choice of caretaker? Or try prepping your son on what to do and what happens if X, Y & Z happen. (e.g., if you play with the dog, trouble will happen. Keep away.) and see if that helps.

K.,
You say you are not defending your son's actions, but your description is very defensive of him (name calling the dog he abused, saying the victim children are overly sheltered, being argumentative with the father). If your child hears you say these things he is learning to disrespect that household. It is clear that he needs to be placed in an environment where there is much more discipline and structure. Nip this one in the bud or your child may become a bully. He may do better in a place with children that are older than him.

I se your point. Kids (and grown-ups) do need to work through things and come up with their own ways of handling aggressive behavior from others. If the situation were the other way around, this would be a great teachable moment for you and your son to work on that behavior. Unfortunately, that's up to the other parents and they are not choosing to go that route, they just want to remove their children from the situation, which is also a perfectly reasonable response. That makes it a different kind of teachable moment for you and your son: one where you can help him understand how far-reaching the consequences of his aggressive behavior became.

No matter who is to blame or not to blame it doesn't sound like a good fit. Maybe it is time to move on. When I was reading your original post I did understand that your son seemed to be a little aggressive. When reading your update I see that maybe there was more to the original story. Al in all I think it would be best for everyone to find another soultion for those two days. Especially since the Dad thinks negativly about your child. Sometimes it is hard for people to get their judgements out of their own head. I think it is best for your son to start over. Good luck!

You didnt mention the age of the other kids your son is 6 so I'm wondering if they are the same or younger. I dont know for sure anything, but you already know that it's not ok for him to be so rough so your son will have to have some consequences. You'll need to discuss with her what she should do when he does this if she's still going to watch him. She will need to feel ok in administering the punishment and you'll have to support her or the kid wont respect her. I think the first thing is swiftly put him in a time out and say that's not ok and when his time is up he has to apologize. I dont know if this is already being done, but my daughter is 6 and hates sitting for 6 mins. so she does not like being put in time out. The time sitting gives the child time to cool off if he's mad or is a way to remove him which may do the trick. However, positive consequences of good behavior can go a long way too, so maybe a combination. For ex. if he is having a good morning, she could give him a sticker on a chart and then if he's good in the afternoon he gets another. For a whole week of good marks you could reward him with something. (ice cream whatever) or maybe do it daily to really reinforce that good behavior gets him something positive. It's reallly good to just address it right away so he knows it's not ok. He may just be asserting his dominance over an undersocialized kid, but he needs to learn compassion and not to be a bully so you have to balance I think good and bad type consequences. Good luck.

I really don't know what your question is, but maybe since you've gotten the feeling that the kids are "sheltered," your son has also and he feels like he can run over them because they are perhaps more timid than he. I can't say as I blame the other father; if a child was coming into my home and mistreating my children I wouldn't want them there either. I think the problem is with your son, not theirs.

Hello K.,
As the mother of 5 and having been a foster parent of many children, and have had a Day Care in my home for many years. I want to add my 2 cents to your remarks esp since you are not condoning what your child is responsible for.
Any good parent should protect their children from a bully and harmful situations. Since you are a working mother and your child is acting this way I have to wonder if you think it really should be over looked, but I disagree that all children can work out thier differances, your son has learned to minipulate the situation or he would not react as he does to being told on. Being a stay at home parent is a gift and not a over protection! I would give parents of children that hurt others 2 weeks and then they would have to remove the child from my care, or come with them to observe for a day to see what could be done (it was written into the contract). Your child has learned that he gets something outof his bad behavior or he wouldn't continue it. I may be way off base but from my experiance "you are the one that is way off base by under reacting". What would you do if he seriously harmed a child or they had to be seen by a doctor becasue of his actions? Please think ahead to when he is older and deals with others-- another child might not just walk away and hurt him back would that be alright and be boys being boys?
I disagree that this is "boys being boys" having raised many boys other than my 3 sons I have active, adventerous and curious boys that would just as soon take apart the washer to see how it works as anything- organizing great digs to China ( got to plant a tree in that hole) but they aere not hurting another child. Really look at the whole picture.

I think that your son needs to be punished. You need to make him see how much you despise what he's been doing. If you back him up or defend him in this, he'll do it more. Stand up and do whats right, because it's your kid and you who are at fault here.

Sounds like he is gong through a ruff patch! Hopefully your right he is not a bully just going through a hard phase! None the less you need a solid action plan beginning now! Be proactive! Be assertive and sit down with your son and start dialoging everyday! May I suggest time outs it is one minute for every year old...set a designated spot...ie on the floor in the kitchen out of the way of all the action! Or on a chair! Depends on how unruly he is, your choice! I worked with hundreds of children before I had mine own. With hands off policy...this the method that I know that works for all children all ages even up to a teenager! Remember he will be bigger then you and stronger then you! Respect always wins the hearts of our children. After he has sat his six mins you have a talk with him ask him if he knows why he is on a timeout? Then discussion if needed! Then an apology to the person or persons harm! Then an action plan so this negative behavior ends! If he misbehaves on his time out you add more mins...Remember to kiss and hug him and tell how important he is to you! And that you love him! Do not bring it up again it is over and move on it is history! Some of those other messages are not too helpful. Just people venting...I wish you all the best! So remember make plans and have goals! You can do it this is only a phase! Believe in your ability as a parent! Do not worry about the other peoples garbage! One day at a time...and if you believe then pray for help daily and pray with your children! They will always tell what is really going on! From a well seasoned parent all the best enjoy your day!

Regardless of the fact that boys tend to play more roughly than girls, they are saying that his behaviour is causing problems in their house. Even within "boy" behavior there are vast differences in individual boys. Some boys don't play rough and some don't like to get dirty. There is nothing wrong with this. I also believe that kids need to learn how to work things out, but perhaps the other family is feeling like, after a month of this behavior, that it is time for them to intervene. That doesn't seem unreasonable to me.
I have certainly seen situations in which behavior that starts out as play gets out of hand. Your son needs some tools to tone it down when this happens. My opinion is that the only thing you can do is focus on your son and his behavior and help him to realize that playing rough is not always fun for others and he needs to learn how to interact with others who don't like to play that way (boys or girls). I would talk to the other parents and let them know that you realize your son was wrong and that you are working with him to figure out the difference between play fighting and causing harm. Your son is still learning respect for others and empathy, which is important. Let them know that you respect their rules and that you share their concerns about hitting and mistreating animals (even ones you don't like, but don't say that - lol).
I would still find a different situation so that you can maintain the relationship with your neighbors. It might help to get together at times when all the parents are present and/or have the boy over to your house (with the clear understanding that you will watch like a hawk). It is hard not to be taken aback when your child does something like this. But they can both learn something valuable from continuing to get together in very controlled circumstances and the parents can each learn something from having different parenting viewpoints.
K., I know you are feeling like the people who disagree with your take don't understand. We are doing the best we can with the limited information in your posts, and you said "for the past month." It might be that we do understand. My own son is "all boy" and rough and tumble and it is a hard process to learn that other people don't like the same things as he does and that he needs to do things that other people like and it's not okay to be agressive ("boyish") with everyone. It doesn't matter if it is not continuous. Fool me once, shame on you; food me twice, shame on me comes to mind. It's not that you are wrong, or that they are wrong. The kids have different personalities, you and the other parents are different. If you are willing to show them that you respect the fact that they expect certain behavior and it's different from what might happen in your house (although no hitting is the same, you have a different tolerance for "boyish" behavior). You can work with other people rather than judging them. They (and the people on this board) are judging you as well and that is what you don't like, I think. And yet you agree with the other parents that hitting (and hopefully treating animals badly) is wrong. So start with where you agree and explain that you will work with your son on these behaviors that you agree are unacceptable. It is hard to curb an excited boy and that his personality is exuberant and it gets out of hand. Look to them as allies in helping your son, instead of judging their parenting of their own son in repsonse to their judgement of your parenting. The boys can learn a lot from each other, and so can the parents.

It sounds to me like this is not a good childcare fit for your son. You clearly don't agree with how this family raises their kids (too sheltered), so why would you let them care for yours? Also, if your son only acts this way at their house, something is up. Clearly, the dad doesn't want your son there anymore and I'm not sure why you are fighting it. Find a better situation.

Also, your son may not be a bully, but the idea that he would tell another child to hit someone with a weapon (yes, a spatula, stick, shoe, whatever is a weapon when used with intent to harm someone), is a huge red flag. I'm glad your son was disciplined for these incidents, but please stay on top of him. Really watch him and be quick to intervene for any aggressive behavior. Keeping him from becoming a bully will take continuous effort from you. He is lucky to have a mom that loves him enough to keep him in line. :)