4 Year Old Daughter Doesn't Participate in Classes

If she doesn't want to take swimming class, why force her? She'll probably do just fine in dance classes if that's what she wants to do. It sounds like she wants to do what she wants to do! I had my son in classes at the Y. I can tell you that he did much better in art and swim classes than he did in gym class. He liked those better. I signed him up for another art class rather than re-enroll him in a class he didn't enjoy. I hope it all works out for you!

S.,

I can relate! My 4 yr old definitely has issues about participating at preschool. She loves her teachers and doesn't openly disobey - however she is pretty much in her own world a lot of the time and just does not participate with the group. One day a week, the mommies visit and are supposed to observe the kids in class - before she notices me I can see her pretty much just doing her own thing, despite the teachers' instructions - then when she sees me, she refuses to remain in class and insists on running to me and sitting in my lap! Her teachers are very kind about taking extra time to give her one-on-one instruction and then she pretty much will follow the instructions, but the second they walk away she is back to whatever she wants to do.

At home, she is extremely stubborn and headstrong and tries to run the house most of the time. I also use a sticker chart and when she fills it for a week we get a new toy. I also bribe with McDonald's for just being willing to go to pre-school without arguing with me.

I noticed you are a 'mature Mommy' - like me (I am 49) :-) Do you suppose there is a connection? I am afraid I might be guilty of spoiling her a bit - her sis and brother are older and moved out so she is like an 'only child'. Too bad you live so far, we should get these two headstrong girls together!

I'll be interested to read the other posts - thanks for your question!

Cheers,

W.

Have you tried enrolling her in a preschool???? The more structured and regular timing (ie 3 x week) might be helpful in giving her the idea that she can get into something and stick with it....Just a thought..

B.

Hi S.. My almost-4-yr-old does exactly the same thing. I just want her to enjoy herself! She does get something out of classes (because she will later sing all the songs, etc) and will ask to go again if I decide to take a break from classes... but it's tough. I agree with others that you should let her be herself, give her time, etc., but I also just wanted to say I understand your frustration and I'm there myself. I frequently ask myself if I am doing something wrong or if it has to do with her being an only, which I assume yours is, too. Preschool this year (full-time for four days) has done her a world of good -- when I get there to pick her up, she is frequently taking on a "ringleader" type of role, getting everyone involved in some elaborate pretend world. I think they just need to be in a space they like, where they feel very comfortable, before they open up -- and then, look out! Good luck. --Steph

p.s. Also, see posts/responses from a few days ago -- a very similar question (posted by Kimberli on 5/6) with lots of good responses.

I wouldn't sweat it that much. There's no reason to really push it. There are enough battle with strong willed kids, I know I have a strong willed 4 year old girl. I especially think not pushing her to participate if there is a male teacher is important. Let her know you will listen and respect her if she is uncomfortable with someone (especially a guy).

I did like the idea of a couple mornings at preschool. If you can find the right teacher it can be a great experience. It would provide the consistency, so she wouldn't constantly be adjusting to a new person. And the teacher would learn your child's personality too.

I'm not a permissive parent by any means, but I do think we need to listen to the kids and follow there lead sometimes. Of course yo know your child and situation best. If you really feel it is a battle worth picking, go for it. But I figure these classes are mainly for fun, so if they aren't being fun yet why bother. Of course if you make a rule about not swimming until she takes lessons, you shoud stick with it. And be sure to make it very concrete what you expect from her. "Doing good at swimming class" means different things to adults than it does to a four year old.

Once I punished my 4 year old for not telling me the truth. She said she had slept at nap, but I knew she hadn't. Later I realized that she thought closing her eyes and being quite meant that she had slept. Whoops.

Enrolling her in a more structured class may be the ticket. You want your children to respect authority figures and maybe a classroom setting would be better. That way you wouldn't be there and the teacher would have the authority to dicipline her if she decided she just didn't want to do something. It sounds to me like she is just doing things on her own terms. Of course there are always situations where kids need to feel like they can refuse to do something (that will keep them from being abused), however having a new girl in class is no reason to not participate.

Maybe she just wants time with you.

As parents we are bombarded with options for classes and we add a lot of stress to our children's lives getting them there on time and rushing around. How about making a list of fun (and free) things to do and let her help plan some activities. But if you are just going to the zoo, then you don't have to be there on time and she's just hanging out with you-- her very best teacher!

Cooking, board games, housecleaning, nature walks, reading together are all things little kids love to do with a parent-- maybe she's just not getting enough of this with you and is letting you know it by not participating in the classes.

Hi S. --

When my daughter wouldn't participate in her swimming lessons it was because she was afraid of trying something new. I made a chart and for each class that she actively participated she would get a sticker. After a series of stickers she would get a reward. This way I was rewarding her trying something and not how well she did. After a while we didn't need the chart because she just loves it.
Good luck

My son did the same thing. He would not participate in circle time, exercise, the pledge, etc... well, I finally figured out that he was not doing it because he did not know how and did not want other kids to see him do it wrong. I was actually shocked that so young, he was concerned about this. I told him that he needs to participate and if he does not know how to do something he needs to ask the teacher for help. We also practiced the pledge and some of the exercises and songs sung during circle time. As soon as we started to practice, things got immediately better. And I always encourage him to ask the teacher for help, just before I send him on his way into class. This may or may not be her problem, but it took time and really good communication skills with my son to figure it out. Good luck.

S., she is only 4 years old! I am a grandmother who are 10, 8. and 5.

When she is telling you something you need to listen. This is how kids learn how to take care of themselves so that they do not get abused. You need to support her decisions. Making her do what you want her to do is not honoring her truths.

My son and daughter-in-law tried to get my eldest grandson to participate in swimming lessons for 4 years. He hated it. Then they finally found classes (I think in Mt Prospect or Arlington Hts) that were really outstanding (he had me come to watch and help with the then 4 yr old). It was a 20 minute drive each way from their house, but my grandson learned to swim within one summer and the other two children loved it also. If you want the name of the program let me know because they teach in various sections of the Chicagoland area. I will get the info for you if you email me at ____@____.com

Listen to your child. Find a place that she likes. This is how she learns discretion and to honor who instincts.

M.
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