I have a 3 year old who will be 4 at the end of this month. He is adopted and was abused physically and mentally until he was 2 years old. For about four months now he has been hitting, kicking, throwing things, talking back, and talking inappropriatly. The problem is most of this happens when I am not around (daycare, babysitter, etc). I have tried everything from taking privlages away, time out, and giving his brother and sister treats at the end of the day for being good and explaining to him why he isn't getting one. The biggest problem of all is he thinks it is all funny and smirks or laughs while getting trouble. I do have the language and talking back problem at home but he has never hit, kicked, or thrown anything at me. I need help I feel like I’ve tried everything and I don't know how to make him understand, especially when he acts that way when I’m not around.
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Wow you have your hands full! People like you (those who adopt abused children) are a blessing. This child will require years and years of therapy. He needs to start now with individual and family therapy. Good luck to you!
They always say the terrible twos I believe its the terrible threes. I had a lot more trouble with all 5 of my kids at age 3 to 4 rather than 2. Maybe he is trying to get a little more attention at home. Try some one on one time with him maybe something as small as him helping you do dishes you wash he drys and talk for a while. Just ask question tease and joke around with him a little. Ignore the behavior for a couple of day and give him some one on one time. At his age he really cant understand getting in trouble at home for something he did hours ago somewhere else. If the problem is going on at daycare i would suggest you talk to his teachers and suggest one of them shadow him for a few days. This just means she has a little helper that goes ever where she goes and does a few extra things for her during the day makes him feel special and will also keep him busy. I think he might be board at daycare.
Hope this helps some good luck
Maybe you need to take him out alone once a week so he will feel special and he will realize he is your special child so he may finally improve in time..
He is getting old enough that you could try showing him another way to act. Play act. When he says things he shouldn't, explain a better way to say it. Act out a better way to behave, instead of throwing things. Explain why this is a better way. (Not in the middle of the bad behavior, but later, when he is more teachable.) Train him this way, and don't give up. Half his life he was trained the other way. It won't be undone soon. God bless you for making a difference in his life.
God Bless you for loving these children and God Bless them. Not sure what your situation is, but I am sure they are going to need some special counseling and with someone that specializes in working with abused children. Best to deal with it while he's young. I think there is a lot of good help out there. They may be able to quickly draw out what is making him angry or abusive to the siblings and help him to turn it around. That should help everyone. They may also be able to give you some tools to help at home. Hang in there.
Hi V.,
I work with kids who have emotional/behavioral issues. I would be cautious about thinking your child has RAD so quickly. He needs to see a very qualified professional. A lot of times, a kid's reaction to trauma can look like other things. I would find someone who specializes in working with abused, traumatized kids and get him help quickly.
The earlier someone gets help, the better. Hang in there. You are to be commended.
It's like withdrawl to drugs. You know that it's bad and wrong, but you still crave it anyway.
He is trying to communicate. All he knows is what he got those first two years of his life. The laughing at being disciplined is him just showing you his excitement to your reaction. He feels like he's heard.
Stick to the discipline methods you described. Talk to him more and insist that he talk to you. Make him tell you how he's feeling, even if he uses inappropriate words. Then repeat what he shared in an appropriate manner and ask him if that's what he meant. If he agrees, make him say it the appropriate way.
Because he had two years of hardships, you have to un-teach before you can teach. This will take time and patience. The daycare has to be willing to work with him in the same manner, or you need to find one that will. All of you are going to have to share the willingnes to take extra time and care to un-teach and teach.
Hi V.,
Congrats and coodos on being an adoptive parent. I am also and my son is now 15.
A large majority of adopted children who were abused act out in one form or another. It sounds as if this poor little guy is confused and angy at the world. Have you thought about counseling? He could be experiencing seperation anxiety which is quite common in adopted children, especially those who have experienced what your son has. Counseling, which usually involves play therapy for children your son's age, might be your best bet right now. Best to nip it in the bud now before he grows up to be an angry young man. I speak only from experience and not as a professional.
Good luck on your situation. And, again thank you for being an adoptive mom.
W. Q
Your son has been through a lot more in his short life than many of us ever will. He has a lot to cope with, and honestly, and all he has are 3 year old coping skills. Heck, some adults don't have better coping skills than that. It sounds like he really needs a lot of love. And I would definitely suggest counseling. Not just for him, but for your whole family so that you can all work on how to help him.
Good luck and blessings to your family.
This little boy needs love and support; try discipline, not punishment.
Try counseling and two excellent books:
1. Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey
2. Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.
Very eye-opening! Will make your life much easier, and his, too!
Good luck,
L.
Have you read the book "The Connected Child" by Karyn Purvis...? It is a great book for parents of adopted children and some of their recommendations have worked wonders for us with our adopted daughter!
Dawn
