Adoptive Son Needing Help with Behavior Problems

Could you try to get him involved in something that really grabs his attention and an outlet for his emotions: a drumming circle, perhaps, or drumming lessons; a guitar or even martial arts of some kind. Perhaps you could find a kahuna - a traditional healer - in Hawaii. They are practised in dealing with deep trauma in a powerful, holistic way. They are also practised with dealing with dysfunctional adolescence and helping male children make the difficult transition to manhood. Just some thoughts. He sounds like a special child; and you sound like a special family.

He needs someone he can identify and connect with. In his eyes he is broken and unworthy of love. The brain is a sponge from birth to 5 years so his brain soaked up a lot of negative things. I can't see that this boy could be in a home with other children because he could never get the care he requires with other children present considering his background and quite possibly some inherited mental conditions when you look at his biological mother's possible mental conditions. When you consider a child like this, they need someone who can in some way identify without expecting anything from the child to a point where they can connect once that comfort zone is in place. He is certainly much smarter than he leads anyone to believe and he can see what's coming when he encounters any person. After all he was raised in an environment that taught him to see what most children aren't ever taught to see. It's like dealing with a corrupt adult in an adolescent body. I'm sorry that I can't offer a solution but just a simple glimpse into what he most likely is feeling and going through. You care a lot about him and I see that and I hope you can help him find his place in this world. All I can offer is for you to start interviewing therapists and find one that you feel can connect with him. No matter how broken any of us are we have what it takes to succeed when we have the right person to talk to. Best wishes.

A.:
I am a school administrator over the special education program here in California so I'm familiar with children like your son. What are his special education eligibilities? I'm guessing Specific Learning Disabilities and or Emotionally Disturbed. Is he on medication? I know parents resist this but I have seen it work wonders and taking the edge off of these impulsive behaviors. Also, here in California our Department of Mental Health is very good. Though they might suggest residential care this might be something you have to consider because from what you are describing he is going down the path towards having trouble with the law and causing harm to himself and others. He's really getting almost too old and his behaviors may also result in expulsion. Its really hard for me to really help unless I have more information. I can tell you this though- Hawaii does have very limited medical assistance and you would probably be better off in California. My mom and dad were born and raised in Hawaii so I'm familiar with the islands. Please respond if you would like to correspond. I might be able to point you in the right direction but only for services here in CA.

Y.

I am also an adoptive parent of 2 boys (now ages 17 1/2 and 20). they are not bilogical brothers. My oldest came to live with me when he was 10. My younger son came to me when he was 8. He had been in 13 foster homes in the previous 4 years. He has had a lot of problems with attachment, behaviors, drinking, drugs etc... After not getting much help from anyone I found a place called The Academy. Let me start by saying that it is very expensive and my parents had to pay for it. But ut changed his life. They understand the whole adoptive point of view, and did wonders for my son. He spent 20 months there and has been back a while now. He keeps his room clean and his appearance (used to be messy and unclean), he helps without being asked, he is gettign all A's and B's in school (was getting D's and F's before), he is respectful, doesnt talk back and the list goes on. He is a model at Abercrombie now and really doing well. Again it was VERY expensive and hard for me to let him go, but it has changed his life forever. The main campus is in Oregon and the campus he went to (a little cheaper) is in Fiji. I didnt know hwat else to do, but thankfully my parents were able to do this for him. If you cant afford it, then dont give up on him, make sure he knows you love him and keep looking for local resources to help. good luck to you.

This is the first posting that brought tears to my eyes. Though many have come close this one did it. I have a close cousin in San Diego and she is a therapist. I will ask for her recommendations for you if you would like. Be strong and do not give up on him. I will send them to you by this evening if not tomorrow(she is very busy).
God Bless,
C.

wow you wrote alot, has anybody ever taken this kid to the beautiful beach sat and just watched the sunset, and asked him what is wrong, how you can make his life happy, or how you can help him, be honest, yes lifed sucks, yes you had some rotten times, but now it doesnt have to be this way. Then just hug him, until he lets go.. do you blame him for all the trama he has gone through, maybe he acts up because somebody is just going to ship him off again. Each time he trys to love, another change. Teach him how to surf, he is in the most beauitful place ever, teach him how to do something he is passionate about, take him to swim with the dolphins, in fact don't tell him just go. Have some one on one time with him, Bless your heart for trying, I just feel this kid forgot about how to love, for once give in to him, in a soft tone, and when he is about to have a mental breakdown stop what your doing, calm the area down, tell him its ok to be upset, but that he needs to talk about it after ward so you understand. He is only a kid, whos heart has been broken many times by man. Hang in there, he is gonna need a lot of love & patience.... Blessings to your family >>>>
Have the school hold an IEP for him to place him in special day class have his work modified, IEP stands for Indivual Education Program, all states have them , they have a special ed dept, this way the school can also help place him in the right area, ask for an emergency one now, the law states they have 30 days to hold one, it should be sooner, they can also fund for services.

Mahalo Auntie,
I am sending this, because, I think, what your son needs is an intense, family counseling setting. I vacationed when I was 18 in Hawaii, and, one of the many things I learned, is the warmth and friendliness of the Hawaiian people. Also, the sense of community, and pride in the beautiful Hawaiian land.
There is a strenght in a culture where all are family, where children are looked after by their "aunties" and everyone is you brother. I believe, this feeling was never ingrained in your son, because of his early life. He has sent up a flare, crying out for some attention, and he may be better served, by getting the chance to voice his issues with you, some one who loves him, instead of being sent somewhere to deal with his issues.
Because, even at the age of 3 or 4, he had no grown-ups in his life to turn to, he carries that with him to this day. He may feel that eventually, you will give him away too. So, his behavior is manifesting in other ways. There are many things that do not affect a young childs life, but one thing they learn very early on, is if they can depend on the adults around them. At the age he is now, perhaps he is feeling he is undeserving of your love and care for him.
He may be feeling, by NO action on your part, that he does not live up to his sisters, and he is not as good as his older brother, so maybe you should just give up on him. then he can feel better about giving up on himself.

All you can do is surround him with unconditional love.....

Good luck to you! He is very lucky to have you.

I notice some of the other moms suggested getting him into an activity that really grabs him. So many successful adults talk about being miserable /acting out in their teens until they discovered their passion and it "saved" them. Your troubled son may very well have the passion, need, and depth of experience to turn into a wildly successful adult. I hope so!

To that end, I recommend letting him try his hand at creative pursuits--making and editing films (so easy and cheap to do these days) or writing or welding or acting or doing improv--and see if he falls in love with one of them. Kids seem to get obsessive at this age, and maybe an obsession could give him the focus and self-esteem he needs. Best of luck!

Aloha A.,
My heart goes out to you... you are wonderful for taking on this boy.

While I don't have any answers, just keep offering him love and acceptance... kids like this need it all they can get. They are used to people rejecting them.

Was he a drug baby too, while in the womb? This is highly possible since his mom was a drug addict. This creates a whole other issue. Drug addicts don't just stop doing drugs just because they are pregnant.

Has your son ever been prescribed medication to stabilize him? This may be vital.

What a poor soul to have been abused from infancy.
I wish I had an answer for you... yes, God would not have given him to you, if you could not handle it or help him. Perhaps, can you get a Big Brother/Big Sister for him? Sometimes these things helps... they have a local organization here. Although, with disorders such as his... it might be a risk for the volunteer. I really don't know.

I really feel for you... I give you a big hug, and much prayers... miracles do happen you know. Go to your church, if you have one... and put in a prayer request... have the WHOLE church pray for your son. I have seen miracles happen this way, even in my own life. Have faith, keep strong... you and Hubby are amazing for doing this. Keep believing.
~Susan

hi francis. i came from a home dealing with similar abuse i can just say he needs tons of therapy.can he go a couple of times a week where you live? also i was very concerned when you said you babysit. often times people who were abused, abuse others. please be careful and try to maintain a positive outlook.

I am truly sorry for you and your family. It must be difficult and I have zero personal experience with this type of situation, but I have a good friend who adopted two siblings, a little girl five at the time and her brother nine. She had a similar circumstance when the children came to her they were from severely abusive parents and issues with being left and years of no love from childrens' homes. The little girl was very manipulative and threw tantrums in the form of soiling herself when she didn't get what she wanted, screaming and crying for no apparent reason and sometimes she would come onto her adoptive father to get what she wanted. Her brother 9, used to cling to my friend wanting more and more love and attention. He wanted to please both parents so much so that he would play victim to all around him so that he could get sympathy and attention. Which they didn't think was a problem but later discovered that was his surviving mechanism to stay alive in his previous homes. My friend did alot of research on these types of children that are abused and not wanted and are in and out of homes and with the help of their therapist. Basically they came up with the following: Break them of old habits. Completely stripping the children of their past and rebuilding and remolding them. It was very difficult for my friend because she had to exercise tough love with these kids for a year. She would cry because she just wanted to love and nurture them as she does her own biological kids and more so because they had been abused their whole life but the therapist told her if she didn't do this process, it would always be an uphill battle. Your son gets to know you are with him every step of the way (physically). I think sending him away reaffirms that no one wants him, so please research and consult many professionals to see what will work for you. The main thing that my friends therapist told them is that they have to be commited to being firm with what they were doing because any sign to the children that they weren't could set them right back to where they were. She home schooled them the first two years because the teachers couldn't provide the same guidance they were trying to accomplish.

Now, my friend, her husband and five children (including the two siblings) are doing GREAT! They attend public school and have the loving home they probably always wanted. They act up every once in a while but the dips in behavior have almost disappeared. Good Luck!

You may check out Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control. It's a book written by a mom of two adopted children w/ previous trauma in their lives. She also gives seminars, has DVDs, CDs, etc. They may be a good source to consult in your situation.

Aloha A.,

I wish I had a solution for you but I wanted to share with you that I relate to how you feel and your frustration with the available help. I live on the Big Island and we've had to fly to honolulu over and over for medical treatment and also to Stanford University for the heart surgery on my son because we don't have the right facilities. But, even with the emotional & financial strain it has put on our family, we know that right now this is the best place for us to be. And there is a light at the end of the tunnel (even with all this vog!)

My prayers are with you and oyur family Francis.

He is your son, who was adopted--not your "adoptive son." This is a small, but significant difference.

I can see that you love him and are trying to get him the help that he needs. Have you thought about home schooling him; combined with special tutoring for his learning disabilities and also family counseling, plus individual therapy for him? It sounds like he isn't getting the help that he needs in a school setting.

One day your son will realize how blessed he is to have someone like you in his life.

What does his local therapist say? Sounds a bit like he's trying to individuate, and given his sad past, does not know how.

As long as you're looking for therputic boarding schools, check out Carl Brook in Virginia. I know it's far, but before you say no, check it out. 2 of my friends kids attended and it changed their lives. You might also contact Teri Solochek in Woodland Hills CA. She's an school/program placement expert, and this is right up her alley.

Good luck!

Aloha Francis,

I so admire you for adopting a 13.5 year old. I adopted two boys from the Social Services Agency in California. Both their parents abused drugs and alcohol. My youngest son got it the worst as his mom was using meth when she was pregnant with him. He has some damage from it. Very emotional, has outbursts, a slight learning problem, but is doing very well considering. My older son is the one that spent time in the children's home and in foster care. He moved around a lot. The boys are biologically related, but didn't live together the first years of their lives. I had the boys placed in my home when they were 1 and 2. I adopted them when they were 3 and 4. Now they are 13 and 14. Currently, I home schooling both of them. They both have problems with ADHD.

Anyway, I have had my ups and downs. In the beginning we had some pretty big downs, but we got through them. I have never sent my boys to a counselor, but in the beginning I went to counseling in order to better help them. I have also come across some on-line sources that might be helpful to you.

http://www.beyondconsequences.com/

http://www.postinstitute.com/

These two sources have given me much inspiration and help for the rough times. I hope they help you as well.

God bless,
B.

First of all, I think the worst thing you could do right now is send him away somewhere to be treated. You need to either find somewhere he can go during the day for treatment a few days a week, or you need to move to the mainland with him for treatment. His being abused, and now being "abandoned" by you while he was in treatment, is probably what is causing him to act out right now. I canot believe you would send a 13 1/2 year old for treatment where he cannot still live at home. Go to your child's doctor and ask if he can see a psychiatrist a day or two a week. Make the appointment in the middle of the day and spend the day with him before and after doing something fun. Home school him until the end of the year if you have to, or at least do fun things on the weekends with him to show him you love him so that he may not act out so much at school. He is not an adult with an addiction, and does not need an "intervention" where he is sent away to a treatment facility. He needs to feel loved.

I am so sorry to hear about your son. It sounds like this is more than just your average 13 year old who is acting out. Aside from his learning disabilities, has it been determined if may have a mental disorder? On October 1,2006 my lil brother commited suicide, unfortunatley for us we had no warning signs at the time. It was the worst thing that has and probably will ever happen to our family. The fact that your son attempted suicide and is "acting out" probably means he has some mental issue like depression, bi-polar, etc.. the good news is that these things can be treated with medications and thearapy. Your son has been through alot and
at this age with hormones changing may have triggered his uncontrolled feelings. Try finding a good thearapist and doctor to diagnos any further problems. Mental disorders can also be inherited. Do you know of his mothers med history? You metioned she was a drug user and which is often a form of self medicating for people with mental disorders. For more on
risk factors and links visit afsp.org Which we now support in honor of our brother. I will keep you in my prayers good luck
and stay strong.

You can see if therapeutic day treatment (TDT)available by your local mental health service. TDT is complementary to his one on one therapy and provides him with the environment to put his social and problem solving skills to practice. In addition, there should also be some post adoptive services available for your son for this type of situation, through the child protective services you adopted him through. You didn't mention how old he was when you came into his life, I imagine there was a strong bond that moved you to offer him a forever family. This is just my opinion, but keeping him on the mainland for treatment alone wouldn't sit very well with me. He is obviously in a very fragile place emotionally and physically, is there any possibility that you can bring him home with the supportive services I mentioned or can you move to the mainland with him while he is under going treatment? He needs you close to him so much right now. Best of luck to your family and especially your son.

Sounds like reactive attachment disorder (RAD) to me. Have you contacted the organization called "ATTACH"? There is support out there for you. My sister-in-law is on the board and has written a book about her experiences with her adopted son with R.A.D.

Good luck and God Bless.

Dear Francis, First of all, congratulations and am so proud of you and your husband for l
taking in and (of course) loving this new son of yours. Obviously, you expect some problems with the horrible things that your son has gone through. I agree with some of the other moms that to send him away right now may be a bad thing, since he may very easily take that as rejection (although it is not in reality). He may be testing you and those around him to see if he can push you away because of the pain he's been through... people act in strange ways to defend themselves!! I think the best thing that you and your husband can do is discipline him as you would your other children (this is an important form of love) in a controlled and loving manner to address his behavioral problems- and don't give up. Work together with your wonderful husband- you guys can support each other and provide family strength which is so often lacking these days. Also, although it is very time-consuming, I would pray about home-schooling as well, to get that one on one trust and getting to know each other started even more. I think your son just needs A LOT of love. You will never know what he's been through and he's obviously had a warped sense of what love is for his whole life and no real stability (which you now are trying to provide). Your road will be long and challenging, but I have faith that Jesus will give you the strength and direction and abilities you need to help your son, if you seek Him. Aloha.-AM

Dear Francis,

I'm sorry to say that I don't have any information you can use but I wanted you to know that there's someone praying for you and your son in California. Best of all things to Brandon and to you. Just keep loving him, it WILL work out.

M.

God bless you. I to am an adopt mom of 4 (working on #5). My older 2 girls have both been through more then anyone should. We have gotten some great help from post adoption services available in California. If there is anything like it there may be Heaven Father knows what you and your family needs. Trust him. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.