Behavior Problems in an Adopted child....really Need Advice on This One.

I think its really nice of her to take these children in. But how are you suppose to as a 3 or 5 year old to love you??? I think she needs to earn the trust and love of these children. I am not trying to be mean, but man. I do give her kudos for taking these children in though. She does need to get them in to some Thearpy before its to late!
tell her to keep her head straight for these lucky kids! :)

What a wonderful woman to take on such a difficult role and what a wonderful friend you are to stick by her!

I know it is hard to do, but the one thing these children need is absolutely to feel unconditionally loved. That means that, even if they regress as they go through transitions that would be difficult for adults, much less little children, they will be met with a loving, positive, "I know you can do it and I know you're trying your best" response.

A three year old cannot control all that is going on around her, and it is quite common to lose ground on recently gained accomplishments like potty training. Even though she "knows how", this is not a willful misbehavior. It's like trying to maintain all your normal rules of behavior and good manners while an earthquake goes on under you! Her request for having your friend buy her things probably goes back to how others in her life have shown love--maybe that's a way the grandparents tried to compensate for the mother not being there, or maybe that's the way her mother made up for it herself, by bringing her something when she had been out or gone. It might be helpful to tell her, in age appropriate ways, that there are lots of ways someone can give a "present" and show love. Let the little girl participate in coming up with things that feel good--a big hug, reading a story, drawing a picture, going for a walk--but don't completely rule out a small gift once in awhile. Change should come gradually.

The little boy, my heart goes out to that little 5 year old! He has been put in the position of caretaking with his little sister for so long. Maybe helping her do things is the only way he feels important! Even though your friend certainly didn't mean to, her interaction might have felt like taking away his only role to be important. Think about being a young mom who is unequipped to deal with ONE child, and then you have another! Think about grandparents, and a sometimes natural reaction to gush over the "baby", especially a girl. This boy may really just need to know how special and necessary he is. Giving him important "big brother" assignments to help the step-mom know what his little sister needs might be just the thing. Sandy can then become a teammate rather than an unknowing "usurper".

But the most important thing, for all three of the children, especially the 8 year old, is that they all know Sandy has a heart big enough for them. It is not their job to give Sandy security, it is her job--which she accepted when she took them--to make life more secure for the children. That means giving love, freely and without worries about what she might "lose" if they go to a new home. She will not lose! She will have gained so much by helping those children, and they will always love and appreciate her.

Like so many others, I strongly recommend getting support through foster care groups, and probably some kind of family counseling to help them all adjust and to help the children heal from whatever may have gone before.

I agree with Natilee C. I'm very concerned with her not wanting to get to close. It is so hard leting them go but, having been a foster parent for 8 years, so important.

The kids realy haven't been with her very long and so are not going to be adjusted to the expectations of the household. A few important points are:
have just a few clear written rules (dosen't matter if they can't read)
pre established disipline for each rule
bio children are required to follow the same rules
don't hold needs (bathroom, sleep, food) under disipline-only positive reinforcment

a great resource for her is
http://www.fosterparents.com/
They have free message boards and inexpensive training to download. You can read the same problems other people are having as well.

In the mean time, from the sounds of it she is only skimming the top of the issues she will face. These kids have been bounced around and only have each other from what they have seen. Until she is able to bond with them she will not make much progress and will be fighting constantly. While loss is so hard, love is nessasary.

Hi Tyannna,

The greatest gift your friend Sandy can give these kids IS love. And lots of it. It sounds to me as if both kids are struggling to have control over something, ANYthing in there lives. If she can find ways that they can feel that, then some of these battles will lessen. A great book for loving discipline is Dr. Sears Discipline book. It was a great eye opener on how to build loving bonds with kids and keep them safe and growing into self sufficient loving adults.

I wish her the best.

Hi T.,
My daughter went through the same problem when she was young (she is now 10). Her father abruptly disappeared and it had a tremendous impact on her emotionally, not unlike what those 2 children are going through themselves right now. Bedwetting is known to happen to children experiencing emotional issues. I did take my daughter to a therapist to ensure that I was doing everything that I could because she was pottytrained...and then she wasn't. I knew something was going on. The therapist assured me this was normal considering the circumstances. She also suggested not to punish my daughter for it (my daughter was 5 at the time). In fact, this could be a great opportunity for Sandy to built a trusting relationship with this little girl. My suggestion is for Sandy to simply provide unconditional support for the child. Such as...buy her pull ups and if an accident happens, deal with it discreetly & respectfully (no shame & no pressure). Also, buy one of those plastic covers for her bed, in the event of an accident, it is easily cleaned, no big deal. I believe Sandy should not make a huge issue of the accidents because the problem runs deeper than simply not wanting to go in the potty. Also, the little girl is 3, she is very very young. Accidents for a 3 year old are common, especially bedwetting. And finally, she probably should talk to her doctor about the problem. They are always helpful with behavioral issues and will have suggestions.

I hope this advise is helpful! Tell Sandy good luck.

My twin sister and I was adopted at age 3 by a relatives it is hard on everyone....

They are regressing to see if you'll still love them even if they are bad.... also may be a bit of "Well no one loves me, what is the point?"

My son also knew how to be potty trained but didn't...... to get him potty trained i said he had to be dry for a certain amount of time... a long one - like 2 weeks and he would get something he wanted.. ...I think it was dinner at whatever fast food place he wanted to go to. By that time her is in the habit.... or at least should be.

Now i know each situation is different , but they are hurting inside and at their age they don't know what to do to handle it very well.

As far as the wanting you to buy her something at this age they see it as if you are going to keep her..... if you are willing to buy her something .....you may be keeping her a while....... Now I'm not saying buy her everything by any means.
But my 1st pleasant memory as a child is when my new adopted parents took my sister and I to get our 1st real nice teddy bear... no dollar store bear... but a bear almost as big as me to snuggle in and dress and take care of and sleep with and tell my worries to.....i remember it vividly !! I am 30 and i still have the bear !!

Then if she keeps asking for stuff tell her ," Well, I did... I bought you that lovely bear ( or whatever) to tell all your secrets to and protect you from bad dreams." It will remind her you did buy her something special and also give it special meaning.

Also , there are things that will take a while and you may not know why ..... like I spent months screaming my head off when it came time to change my clothes or take a bath... used to drive my Mom ( Adopted) crazy... well, i told her later as an adult that i remembered being to touched inappropriately and taking off my clothes was TERRIFYING for a long time.....but at age 3 how do you say that... you don't even know what it is .

It is good that she spends time with them one on one. That is a wonderful start. Even the worst happens and they leave..... make it so they can say "well at least for while we where loved like we where suppose to....for even just a while." It will mean all the difference in the world to these kids.

As far as the bossy boy... my gosh !!!my twin sister was 2 minutes older but she was so bossy !!! But they have formed a bond in their situation weather they know it or not and he is trying to protect her in a way..... yes, it may drive you and the girl crazy sometimes. but I agree with one entry.... say" You have taught her a lot of thing? maybe even ask him something he has taught her...ect ect.." so he know your not trying to break their bond... just helping out.

good luck and keep your chin up.... because love is very powerful..... i love my adopted mom more than anything for all that she went through for us and especially now that i am an adult and have a child of my own.

Hi, I also just this site and read your story and couldn't help but respond because I am a child therapist and have worked with these kind of issues. I strongly encourage your friend to get some professional help for the kids and for her. These types of situations are usually very complicated and it would be unprofessional of me to give any specific advice without a full assessment and understanding of your friend's and her kid's situation. She is lucky to have a friend like you to offer support, but it sounds as if she is going to need more than that and her family/kids too. If the adopted kids are covered by the Oregon Health Plan, there are a number of child mental health agencies that she could seek out. There should also be adoption resources that could help recommend a therapist. It is really important that she get some help. Parenting is challenging enough and she has the added emotional struggles and adjustments to contend with. I wish your friend and her family the best.

Hi T.,
I would guess that the little ones know they are not being loved as they could, as your friend fears being close, but, being with care providers and then being taken away is a real adjustment and made easier with love and compassion. I am sure it is hard for your friend to love for fear of them being taken away and it might happen, but at least they will know love for the time they are with her and respond accordingly. It must be really scary to love and know it may not be returned and it might be taken away, but isn't that what happens every single time we put ourselves on the line and love another person, a friend or even a pet for that matter as they too are eventually taken away having shorter life spans. Might it be better for her to know that she will have loved and maybe lost, but made such a huge impact on these children's lives. Better that they know real love then to have never known it.

Bless her for trying and for putting herself out there!

T.

Very tough situation. I would first off have your friend talk with the social worker involved and see what type of support groups are out there for herself. sometimes being in a group of families that are going through the same stuff helps someone get perspective (as well as ideas) on thier particular situation.

the other thing is that Sandy might need to have counseling for herself so that she has a sounding board for her feelings and frustrations.

I wonder what these children's lives have been like? the children may need several years (rather then months) of her love before they may be in a place to love her the way she is looking for it. It is her job to model this new way of being family rather then expect a 3 and 5 yr old to be able to show it. You know, if I love this mom, does it mean I am betraying my mom, or I can't love anyone because they will just leave me again. Yikes, lots for little ones to have to process.

Sandy should acknowledge herself for having a heart so big to even consider this working out.

As far as the toileting is concerened, it may be the only place for this little one to have any power over her life. Is it possible to no longer make it an issue by letting her use (and take care of on her own) pull-ups during this really difficult transition? this way, Sandy is allowing her to have some power in her life (with the results of her choices)

D.-mother of 2 young men and advocate for families, no matter what they might look like?

These kids have been taught through abandonment that they cannot count on anyone. The boy is bossy, especially where his sister is concerned, because as the older of the two he believes he must look out for her - take care of her.. This little girl is regressing because she is now in a new environment. She's going back to the last time she had this experience so she can remember how she coped. If Sandy addresses the issue of coping with her new home, the girl will likely stop peeing in her pants. Sandy should validate the boys feelings by saying things like, "You teach her a lot of things, don't you?" and getting into their inner circle by playing a supportive role of the brother, rather than trying to take over the things he has done for his sister thus far.
It is also appropriate to be honest with these kids (in an uncomplicated way) about the fact that they have changed homes and may at some point change homes again.. They are thinking about it and wondering about it anyway. It is okay to tell them, "This is your home for now and I am really happy that I you're here"
Additionally, there are resources available for adoptive parents and foster parents at numerous websites and through your local social services office

It's great that you're helping your friend out with this... one of the things that will help her out is support from people like you.
I'm no expert here, but part of the problem might be something you said at the begining of your post - she is afraid to get too close. It sounds like these kids have had a tough road, and whether they show it or not, what they need is to be close to someone. Whether or not they stay with her in the long haul, being emotionally there for them, and loving them unconditionally (whether they show they love her back or not, whehter they stay and become permanent members of her family or not) will help their growth and maturity for the rest of their lives. If these kids have never experienced an emotionally secure environment before, that's what they need - much more than anything else.
And - if an appeal from the biological mom does proceed, there will likely be an evaluation from a child psychologist (or Sandy should request one). If the kids are feeling secure and safe in her home, they should be able to tell that, and her opinion on what is best for the kids will hold more weight.

Hi - I would say these kids are acting completely normal for what they have been through. I would think adoption agency would have a lot of advice on creating attachment for the kids. The potty business would be a normal and predictable regression - what else in her life does the little one have control over in her life? Punishment or shame would be the exact opposite of what she needs. Encouragement and understanding and time would be best. Changing homes is HUGE and two months isn't very long. I'm sure day to day is very hard for your friend. I would recommend this chart as an resource:
http://www1.dshs.wa.gov/ca/fosterparents/training/chidev/...
It is really helpful. In my own parenting journey I found 3 to be very difficult anyway. And again 5.5 to 6.5 is another very difficult developmental phase. The book Playful Parenting might open up a lot of doors on connection for the kids too. It is a fabulous resource and connecting is what parenting is about! Best of luck to your friend and it is kind of you to help her.

J.

we adopted our daughter--and during the process, despite the danger of having her taken away (and her biological mother did send a letter of appeal to the judge), not for one second did i let my heart stay behind a brick wall for fear of the worst. yes, it would have hurt like hell--but that baby girl needed my love and my heart had to give it. no questions asked. it's dangerous, but that is the risk an adoptive parent takes during the process. it's the same risk a biological parent takes through the first nine months. does the mother say, "i'm afraid this baby may not make it full-term, so i'm not going to invest my all and truly LOVE this child?" of course not. are there risks? yes. there could be a miscarriage. there could be complications during labor. the possibilities are endless. my point being that an adoptive parent puts all risk aside and MUST invest 100% in the children they will adopt.

most circumstances prohibit a prospective parent from having the children in the home before the final adoption. but i understand that acceptions can occur. specifically if you (the ephemeral you, not you specifically) are the foster parent right now.

secondly--
this is a complicated issue. adopting children of 3 and 5 with the kind of issues that are going on in their biological family is serious stuff--not to be taken lightly. this prospective mother NEEDS to seek a professional counselor with these children as well as apart from them. clearly there will be some attaching issues for these children should the adoption go through successfully, and the adoptive mother needs to see a counselor. primarily a counselor specializing in adoption and attachment issues. i cannot stress this enough. sandy NEEDS to seek professional help, no matter the cost. this is an investment into the children's emotional and intellectual IQ, as much as anything else.

T.,

You are so sweet to think of your friend and ask for advice and it's really great that your friend is confiding in you. The first thing I would tell her is that she should never do this alone! It is the most important words she should repeat again and again to herself.

There are many of ways she can handle getting support for step children and I think calling around different agencies and support groups is a good idea. Some she might consider are:
Foster Care agences (they have support group resources for parents that have temporary custody of kids and may be able to deal with the attachment issues she is facing as well as many others), adoption agencies often have support groups for people have have recently adopted kids and this would help because she is getting to know them and needs to deal with how they feel about her and where she fits into there lives.

I would recommend getting books at the library on step parenting and then she can just browse through them and see what issues she wants answers to.

The key issue here is deciding how she is going to go about parenting (with help from a professional or support group) and do it firmly. The thing I am wondering is if she is getting support from her husband in all of this because she needs him to stand by her in her descisions about how she is going to deal with the situation.

Anyway, hope this helps your friend in need and I think it's great she has you to talk to although, are you getting time for you and your kids? I love helping too, but sometimes I need to remind myself to turn the phone off (cell too) and go take a break with the kids, LOL!

Take Care,
G.

I was a guardian ad litem (court appointed advocate) for abused and neglected children for several years. This type of behavior is VERY common in foster children. Essentially, the children don't feel safe. They don't feel secure. And they feel powerless. (And the fact that your friend is making such an effort to not get attached leads me to believe this may be what is happening in this home.) The children start to act out because it's a way to get power. Sort of a: "I know I'm not going to get to stay here because I haven't gotten to stay anywhere, so I'm going to act out to push you away and make you not want me."

Obviously, the thought process of young children isn't this sophisticated, but this is the end result. Foster parents go through alot of training to teach them how to deal with this.

I'd recommend that your friend RUN to the nearest DSHS office and ask for assistance - and perhaps enroll in a foster parent class. It sounds as though she's already disinclined to bond with these poor kids, and it would be completely human for her to be feeling regret that she decided to take these kids in the first place. But these kids did not ask to be placed in any of the situations - they are the innocent victims of negligent parents and bad circumstances. I'd be shocked if there weren't behavioral problems. Your friend needs to sit down and do some serious thinking about what she can handle and what she is willing to handle. If your friend isn't going to be in this for the long haul (and, make no mistake, it WILL be a long haul that will require support, education, etc.) then she should put an end to this now before these children get too attached to her and this home. If she IS going to be in it for the long haul, then she darn sure better give herself a shake and start loving and bonding with these children without any thought to whether or not she could lose custody of them down the line. She doesn't have any control over the future. She DOES have control now. And loving and bonding with these kids might cause her heart to get ripped out in the unlikely event that she loses custody, but those kids will forever benefit from the love and devotion and the sense of security and safety.

I really have to agree with the last response you received...What is the point of trying to be a good role model if you are too scared to become attached..adopting is probably really hard! Any love a child can get is always a good thing! Those two kids have had to rely on each other for pretty much any kind of stability so I would definately cut them some slack! two months is not really a lot of adjustment time. just think that isn't much more than sixty days and I know I take several months to get used to anything new. I would suggest finding a book about positive discipline to read...It might help for gaining confidence in parenting abilities and having some ideas for how to remain positive in the situration. There is always a reason for behavior in children and it is always important to remember to seperate the behavior from the child. They are not adults and are still learning what is appropriate! It doesn't sound like they have had a lot of experience with positive parenting and seem to have been taught that shaming and physical punishment is the way to go. Bear in mind these kids have been through a lot and are probably testing to know that there are limits and unconditional love for negative behavior. They are looking to pretty much get any attention and they are looking to try to protect each other. They have had to band together to make it through this tough time. I also think it is important to try and explain things clearly with limits to children. "I can see that you want to show your sister how to do it. That is great! I want to help to and I am here to help." Keep writing in beacause what works for one person might not work for others...each kid is different but someone out there might have a great idea! Good luck and I am not a religious person....but it is with great respect that I say "god bless" for trying to help some children have better lives! Anything is better is seems to me so keep trying!

She can ask her social worker for a referral to foster care retention services. That is a three month in-home contract with a master's level therapist to assess the needs of the kids and make sure she is accessing all the services they are entitled to.

Good luck.

With the lack of stability in their lives up to two months ago, this behavior is completely understandable. It sounds like they are both trying to exhibit some control. By peeing and wetting, the 3 year old has control over "sandy". In her mind everyone has made her do all kinds of things she doesn't want - but you can't "make" her control her bodily functions. I had a hard time with the potty training - it's tough to be patient especially when they know better. It worked wonders for me when I started having my children clean up their own mess (with help of course). Instead of being angry and frustrated, just have her bath herself, and clean up the floor. Try not to say much - as she is trying to engage you... When it happens react as little as possible and instead just say "oops!, what do we need to do now?" Have her figure it ouot. Ask questions instead of lecturing. I wouldn't use diapers or pull ups - that will only confuse her on what is expected of her.

Same story with the 8 year old. His bossiness is him trying to have some control over his life. Keep up with the individual time, but also find safe and constructive ways the children can have control and exhibit power. Role playing games (such as cops and robbers where the cop is in power), chess, deciding what is for lunch or dinner, or what movie to watch. There are all kinds of ways to give children power and control in healthy ways that won't spoil them.

As for getting attached - do it! Why deprive yourself or the kids of an incredible bonding experience and opportunity to influence their lives in a positive way. If they go back to mom, at least they will be stronger for their time with Sandy.

Those behaviors sound quite understandable for those kids, considering what they have probably been through. Love and nurture and empathy and unconditional acceptance is what they need now. They've been uprooted from probably the only security they've had. So it is going to take quite a bit of transition and testing on their part to see if they are "lovable and wanted". (and that is what you want your messages to convey) It's real common for such kids to do way worse behaviors to test their new caregivers. Patience of the highest kind will be neccessary for this new family. "How to talk so kids will listen..." by Faber and Mazlish, is an excellent book for parents, that help communicate empathy and make kids feel safe in talking about their feelings, which they need to do. It's more about that than changing their behavior. Their behavior will change as they feel safe and accepted. I'm sure they are being cautous to not get attached as well, so don't expect them to "love you" yet. You as the parents will have to do all the loving, regardless of what you get back. The older brother has probably had to assume a role of caregiving for the younger one so it's understandable that he would guard his "job" of teaching her. and they are the only thing that still is constant in their lives. So praise God they still have each other and that they are not acting out worse. (although they may be, and that would be understandable) It would be a blessing if you could get some counseling for them (play therapy perhaps) and for support for the adoptive parents to know what is normal to expect. Don't take it personal if they withdraw from your love. They just can't trust that yet. The book i recommended will also help you with your biological daughter's feelings about this whole new change too. God bless you for taking on this whole big new role, which may be more than you anticipated, and if it turns out to be temporary, know that every day you have sewn unconditional love into their hearts.

Your e-mail really struck me. I think that it would benefit your friend to check into something called reactive attachment disorder, commonly RAD. My sister and I are both adopted and she has it. There are a lot of studies coming out and it's becoming more commonly diagnosed. For the families who suffer from a member having this, this is a godsend. Getting answers and being able to know how to deal with these problems helps. Even children who aren't adopted can suffer from this, but it's very common in adopted children. There are special attachment centers sometimes that have therapists trained to help both the child and the parent. Also, toileting issues are very common in RAD kids, so you never know. I'd be happy to pass on any resources I have to you and you are more than welcome to contact me at anytime. Good luck to your friend! She must be an amazing woman!

T.,
I to am an adoptive mom. I think that "Sandy" needs to be sure to have good boundaries and rules with the kids. Consistancy is the important thing. It can be hard to open your heart in that situation, but it is so important for these kids to have the love and support especially if they have had inconsistancy in their lives. I would look into adoption support. Can Sandy take classes on attachment? Does she have other adoptive parents she can network with? What about counseling for the kids? This may be needed if they have lost their mother and now their grandparents too. It has only been two months. Give it time and hang in there. The time spent now will give these precious children a strong foundation for the rest of their lives. Remember they have been through a lot and need some adjustment time.
I will be praying for them all.
Blessings,
S.

First, let me preface this email by saying that I am in NO way an expert here - however, I am in the process of adopting an 8 year old boy and find that many things that were put in place for him (through the foster care system)have been incredibly helpful for him as well as our family. THERAPY, THERAPY, THERAPY!!! This is SOOOO important I can't stress it enough - individual and family counseling. Next, in dealing with the behavior issues, you mentioned she only has had the children a couple of months - I would not worry about the potty training issue... the more you fight it, the more she is going to resist. Regression is a perfectly normal response to stress and it will probably take care of itself in time. In the case of the "buy me something" issue - in my house with my soon to be adopted child I would just say "that's not how we do things in my house" and that would be the end of it. If there is a fit to follow, so be it, but eventually they will learn that that is not the way things work in your house. You mentioned that the little boy is being "bossy". He is probably mimicking behavior that he saw where he was living before and most likely thinks that's the way things are supposed to be. Not to mention, he (as well as the little girl) are probably testing your friend to see how far they can push her before she sends them away - their grandparents did it, why wouldn't someone else? Over time, I would have to imagine that you will see a LOT of behavior issues that have to do with displaced anger and they will need to be reassured that your friend will be there no matter what. I don't know what the situation is with the mother's rights, if her rights were not severed your friend may have a problem. If I were her, I would figure out how to make this happen if it is not already done. If the mother has no rights I would tell sandy to give them as much love as she gives her natural born child - this is much easier said than done because it takes a good year to two years to actually form a trusting bond, but she should love them as if there is no concern of losing them and absolutely under NO circumstances let those kids think that they could possibly be removed from her home. Children have a sixth sense and pick up on uneasiness and stress even if you are not verbalizing it. She should give them structure and love and treat them exactly the same as she does her natural born child - their love for each other will grow more and more every day. Hope this helps.

Wow, your friend is really someone special to open her heart and family to these two kids--I hope she takes time to acknowledge herself for what she has done. Well it definitely sounds like the honeymoon period is over and they are starting to show some sides to them that perhaps weren't there at the start. They're still in an adjustment period of trying to figure out who she is and how she will treat them. It sounds like grandparents were somewhat "old school" in their approach to discipline and now they're seeing another side. Consistency is the most important thing right now and setting clear boundaries on the management of the bedwetting and bossiness. They're still trying to build trust, though she cares intensely for them, they may not feel yet like they're ready to express that yet. Hang in there, it just takes time; they may be coming from a home where there wasn't much affection and they may need to warm up to it. The more she can show that she is caring, the easier it will be for them to relax. She also needs some time for herself so she doesn't burn out, I hope she is doing some fun stuff with her friends. In addition, there are a lot of books and articles on helping kids transition into new homes, a google search or visit to the library would provide lots of information. There are also workshops/classes from time to time. I wish her the best of luck. I have 5 kids that I adopted and would be available to continue to dialogue with her if she would like some ongoing support.

So, the adoption isn't finalized then? You said that your friend is aftraid to love them too much, because they might be taken away. But if and when the adoption is finalized, they will belong to her and no one can take them away. Have the parental rights been terminated? All I have to say depends on if everything is finalized. I mean, those kids need all the love and attention she has to give. And she can't expect them to love her fully, until SHE can relax and love them. Also, even under the best of circumstances those children are going to test her. They're going to see if she really loves them. And they will really make sure! She needs to be very open-minded, and not "nit-pick" what they do and say. She shouldn't let it show when what they say makes her mad or upset. They also need to know that they're going to be treated EXACTLY the same way as the biological child. Otherwise they will forever feel not as loved. It's very important that the kids have consistency in discipline and routine and know without a doubt that she will love them no matter what they're behavior and that she shows it. I would never tell the 3 year old that she can only wear the dress if she stays dry for 3 days. That is not appropriate to tell her considering her world has been turned upside down. It would be very age-appropriate if she went back to wearing pull-ups for a while. But now that she's been given disapproval of her accidents, it might be all that much harder to get her potty-trained again. As far as the boy being bossy? Give him a break. He's just showing that his sister is HIS sister. Your friend needs to know when to pick her battles. She had to go into this informed and knowing that any kids, unless adopted as infants are going to have behavior issues. Try to picture things from their eyes. All they know is their Grandmother isn't taking care of them, and here they're with this new family. What if they're taken away again? Why should they care about someone new if they might loose them? They need to be made to feel absolutely secure about their place in this new family, and that it is forever. Your friend should seek profession advice if need be, and examine how HER behavior and words affects how her children react and behave. Children act how adults in their lives treat and teach them is okay.

These children are obviously suffering from the feeling of instability. Consistency is going to help show them stability. Consistency, consistency, consistency. As for the girl, find a punishment and do it everytime she pees her pants. A punishment like, take away her favorite toy or activity for a day. If that doesn't seem to work, up it to 2 days. Alway do the same punishment, Consistency. And do it no matter what, don't ever give in and say "oh we'll let it go this time". If she thinks something needs to be bought for her just because she wants it, I would assume that the grandparents, too tired to deal with it all, bought her whatever she wanted to keep her quiet and happy. Understandable, but not the best thing to do with a child, obviously. Maybe Sandy could use this as a tool to get her to stop peeing her pants. A reward system, like with the Christmas dress. Might take a while, but eventually it will stick. And the boy must think he needs to take on the parent role since he is the oldest. He might think his family gave up on him, since his mom is doing "whatever" and his grandparents gave him to someone else (totally understand that they could not care for him anymore, but he might not). Everytime he starts to get bossy, she needs to stop him in his tracks and remind him that he is not the boss, the adult is. He is more then welcome to say what he would like to have happen, but he will do it in a civil tone and with respect. And just because he says it, doesn't mean he is going to get his way. Above all else she must stick to her guns, no matter how painful. If she says no, no amount of whining and crying should make her give in. It's time for the feelings of "feeling sorry" for these children to stop influencing how they are raised. Those are the feelings that influence how much you love them, even if they might be taken away someday. Don't punish them for you being scared of losing them. Show them that somebody cares about them.

It is no wonder that you are seeing behavioral problems with these two young children. Imagine the traumatic life they have already led...first living with mom, then with grandparents, now with a new family. I can't imagine knowing how to deal with this much transition if I were 15 let alone 3 or 5. This is too much to expect a 3 and 5 year old to know how to handle. Kids need stability. Your friend is wonderful to have taken on these two children as it sounds like the situation was desperate.

She needs to remember that everything she does now is about them...not herself. Sandy needs to put her desires (wanting them to love her) and fears (afraid they will be taken away) aside and provide these two little ones with what they have been deprived of...stability and love. Yes, she may get that call in a year with the news that the kids have to leave her. So be it. At least she can be confident that she was able to impact their lives in a positive way for the time she had by providing them with as much love, care and compassion that she knew how to give.

She needs to love them with no abandoned. A big part of loving means setting limits and rules and explaining that "in our family we don't buy toys every time we go to the store...it is mommy's decision when we get a toy."

As a parent yourself, you know that kids are always testing their limits. It is how they learn about the world around them. These kids have had so much transition in thier short lives, there has been no opportunity for consistency with boundaries or limits. I would encourage Sandy to not only set limits, but it is imperative that she is consistent in following them every time.

I would tell her first to LOVE them as best as she can and with all of her heart, and secondly to be praying that God would give her grace, patience, consistency and whole hearted dedication in dealing with all the things these kids are trying to process right now...including her own 8 year old daughter.

These little lives have been entrusted to her for a reason. I would encourage her to try to see the world through their eyes and parent them with the mindset of changing their hearts into ones that know how to trust, how to give love and also how to receive it.

I am writing this straight to Sandy:

Children of all ages know when they are loved and when they're not. I'm sure these can sense that you are holding back your love, and that can be causing problems as well. I'm a piano teacher, and there is a saying in teaching that if you don't love your students, and they don't feel that love, they WILL NOT LEARN FROM YOU!

Even though their mom is putting them and you in a tight spot, you should still give them the love they deserve despite what may happen in the future. Just think of the difference you can make in those childrens' lives, no matter what happens in the future. God takes such kindnesses seriously and you will be rewarded either in this life or the next (next is better because it's permanent).

I think they will remember all of you kindnesses regardless of how long they stay with you. Remember, even our own children are only with us temporarily, then move out. They become their own people. however, the connections they have with people and the love they experience stays with them FOREVER. When I was a child, I was very neglected, and very lonely. I spent most of my time in the woods where it was "safe". I remember small things, like a stranger, who actually stooped down and talked to me at my level and was kind (I think I was 6). NO ONE HAD EVER DONE THAT BEFORE! I actually felt human at that point. I usually felt like I was unwanted. It was a brief encounter that stayed with me.

Then there was a 3 month period where my parents had moved to a place temporarily because of my father's job. (I was about 8) The people there were exceptionally friendly and nice. I actually made friends with everybody, including the teachers and the students in school and the neighbors. It mad a HUGE difference in my attitude towards people. One psychiatrist told me that he was amazed that I didn't hate everyone because of my background. I have to say, these experiences stayed with me, and that's why I didn't. YOU WILL NEVER REALLY KNOW HOW HUMONGEOUS YOUR IMPACT REALLY IS. DON'T GIVE UP!!! THE EFFORT REALLY HARD, BUT HELPING SOMEONE SUCH AS THESE NEGLECTED CHILDREN IS WORTH IT.

God bless you and all of your efforts. Don't be afraid of the future. Being hurt is part of life. Christ knew he was going to be crucified and still came to this earth to help mankind. We all have to take chances.

Hi.

I'm sorry your friend's children are having these problems. They aren't easy ones to deal with. I work with foster kids and what I've learned is that children who have had a lot of disruption and uncertainty in their family life also have a lot of anger and grief due to their losses. Children don't have the sophistication to map their feelings to those losses on their own and really need the help of a counselor. If DHS is involved, I'd strongly recommend that she talk to the caseworker about getting a counselor for the children.

On the more positive side, when children start acting out in these ways, it's a sign that they are possibly feeling more secure in their home.

I would imagine that it's quite an adjustment for the new kids in the household. You might suggest to your friend to have them start family counseling to help the whole family come together. The boy sounds like he's looking out for his little sister, which is something he might think he needs to do in a new and strange situation. They are probably just scared and confused and that would cause the little girl to regress a bit, especially in the toilet training. Patience and understanding is the best advice I can think of. At least as adults we can understand new situations, as a 3 and 5 year old, well they just can't. Good luck to your friend and to all the members of her family.

I t really sounds like these childrn are testing Sandy. She needs to be firm and give time outs, let them know what is acceptable behavior and what is not. They are seeing how far they can push her over. Giving the little girl the same response such as, 'Maybe for your birthday', everytime she asks for something would provide some help. It sounds like that Grandparent used a lot of bribery and gave into temper tantrums. Being firm and consistant will be hard work, but will pay off in the end.

jem
-mother of seven

Hi,
Depending on what sort of rules Grandma set and how much interaction they had with social form. These two children are basicly untaught about the workings of a family unit.
Also they have been bounced around so much that to them they are a unit and no one else is trusted. Acting out is just a way of testing to see if they are loved "no matter what" not just a pit stop. Even if they get taken back because mom "gets her act together" what experience they have at this home will flash back to them later.
I knew a woman who married into a family of 4 kids and had 3 of her own. She always made a day for "her" kids and "his" kids they needed special time she said. Over the course of years no real bond grew rather it was not soon enough for the kids to split home as soon as possible choosing to live with "x-mom" and her boyfriends than with stable dad.
The point is if they are to be part of your family you must treat them as such. No special days unless you think its needed to be alone but just for a few hours for that private talk. Then it's back to the family where everyone is needed in order to make it a family. These kids have been rejected by parents, they are not loved enough to make the changes so they could be a family just like everyone else.
If these where your natural born children, how would you behave towards them in times of disobedience. Some sort of talking to, maybe a chore like sucking all the dust kittens from the frig, or wiping the shelves in the frig. And finally you'd shower them with love. They sense fake love, or half hearted love. Do not be afraid to show them true love, with all your heart, even though it may hurt in the end. At least for that time that they were with you they actually experienced unconditional love from someone who felt they were worth it.
I've raised two very active, and challenging sons who to this day, thank me for being their mom.