3-Year-old Screams All Day

i agree with shira, but at the same time, she's doing this because SHE CAN, you need to lay down the law with her whether she screams or not, for every time she screams she needs to spend time out where ever time out is (1 min per age)..will be hard and she WILL rebel at first, but as long as you are consistant, it will eventually pull together

somewhere i messed up when my daughter was that age (only child) was ALWAYS letting her win, well, now she has a hard time dealing with it when she loses the game or it doesn't quite go her way...."better luck next time i guess"

Thank you for sharing this with us.
It seems to me it might give some perspective
to some of the other mothers of 3-year-old kids here.
Maybe.
I have not yet read the other answers.

This situation is especially difficult
because you've got so many things all going on at the same time.

Do I understand correctly that DD is the middle of three children?
How old was your older child (DS) when your 3-year-old was born?
And how young is your baby?

Was the 3-year-old in "a better place" before baby arrived?
How is your DS coping
with the ongoing beating he gets from his little sister?

I'm imagining here that she is, at least in part,
reacting extremely intensely to having been displaced by baby.
Up until baby arrived, she was the baby and was coddled
and catered to. Yes?

And then, suddenly . . . . .OOOPS!
You're a big girl now.
I need you to help me, stop being a baby,
I need you to take care of yourself more than you used to.
????

All of which she wasn't nearly ready for.
All of which seems incredibly unfair to her.
All of which she is unable to communicate clearly.
All of which I am projecting/assuming.

Am I even close?

So . . . . there are various things one can do
to help a 3-year-old get through difficulties and inappropriate behavior.
There are various books (Happiest Toddler, et al.)
and I'm sure you'll get all kinds of good advice here.
(and perhaps some bad advice . .. . sighhh).
I'm confident you'll know which is which.

HOWEVER, it seems to me you may not have the energy or patience
to devote the kinds of attention and behavior modification techniques
you will need consistently and lovingly.

I'll read the other answers and see if I want to add anything here.
Sending good thoughts.
===================================
OK. I read the other answers so far.
It seems to me that before you can begin instituting strict discipline and consequences, it would be very very helpful if you can spend some quality time ALONE with her and discuss the situation. Including maybe attempting to draw out her feelings about being displaced. Probably start with how much you miss the special times you used to be able to spend together before baby arrived. Include how proud you are of her good behavior at school. Let her know how much happier everyone at home could be if only she would take some of that behavior she exhibits at school and bring it home with her. Let her know how much you love her.

Then, after you and she have talked about these things --
a dialogue, of course. Not a monologue --
then, you can explain your plans/intentions for helping her learn
not to scream any more.
You'll explain what kinds of warnings you intend to give
and what the consequences will be.

Also in this explanation should be something about
treating her big brother with respect. He has done nothing
to deserve the behavior she has directed at him.

Everyone in your family deserves to be heard, loved, treated with respect.

You can get through to her (I believe) that it is up to her
(as well as everyone else in the family) to get your family to that place, where everyone knows he or she is valued and loved, and where everyone behaves in ways that are loving and respectful to one another.

Let us know, please, how it goes.

It sounds to me like she is DEMANDING attention from you. She probably is jealous about the baby, many children are and show it in different ways. My 3 year old would be violent towards the baby when she was mad at me. It seems that when she needs/wants something she screams. She's learned that it is a way to get her need met. Time to reeducate her. Screaming will get you time out and NOT what you wanted.

How are you dealing with her screaming? Does it make you angry/irritable? I know most of us would go nuts listening to screaming all the time, its like living through a colicy baby all over again, only that's not the problem. When you give her a time out, how quickly does it take place. How many warnings, and how long of a time out. Is the time out affective?

My daughter did not care if we put her in time out, she'd scream, though sitting there, and finally apologize, but go right back to the bad behavior. It didn't make any impact. We did spanking as well, and again, no impact. I found a good method for doing spanking, and though it was long and drawn out (real character work here), it did make an impact once the problem had happened, but not preventing it. I think the problem there was that she was overwhelmed and gave up. A friend advised me to only do spanking for one issue, the one thing we were working on improving in her behavior, and then use time out for the rest. She also advised me to use a car seat for time out, the extra restraining factor was helpful in the whole mental battle for her. Also I began not allowing her to scream and kick during time out. I would ask her to stop, and then warn her that if the kicking didn't stop, I would tip the chair on its back so she couldn't kick anything, and if the screaming didn't stop I'd put my hand over her mouth until it did. She HATED this. But after about 5-6 times we have not had incidents anymore. When she screams and decompensates at bed time we sit her down and get her to stop by talking to her, and covering her mouth if that is not affective. My husband has been working on building her up, and how big girls can control their emotions and not scream and yell when they are angry and disappointed. It is having an impact, not immediate or every time, but progress.

I'd advise you to have a quick implementation of the time out. Make sure its "bad enough" to make an impact. I don't do a min/per their age like super nanny, I do it until they can sweetly ask to apologize (do a lot of reminding of what it takes for her to ask sweetly during the first few times so they learn). Sometimes its longer sometimes shorter. Sometimes when I think she's ready I'll ask her if she is, she'll say, no I'm not ready yet. They learn that they need to get a hold of their emotions for freedom. Keep yourself as calm as possible, your frustration and anger only escalates the situation, calmness (though firm too) will de-escalate it. And lastly, zero tolerance for screaming. The night time thing is difficult, but at least it seems to be short lived. If you think its for the same reasons as the daytime, then use the same discipline. If its just that she's afraid, like a nightmare, obviously you'd want to comfort her.

Unfortunately I don't have any good advise for the car, its a situation that they feel in control since you're driving and can't discipline them. If you only have a 5 person vehicle then moving her to a row by herself is not an option. However, if you do the work at home and when you're out in public, the car issues should work themselves out too. Meanwhile, remind her that she will have a time out when you get home, and keep your cool. If she gets violent with her siblings you might need to stop by the side of the road and deal with it. The baby's safety is important, as is your older child's.

Best wishes, I know this is tough, I've been there!

My son used to scream when he didn't get his way - he was particularly fond of doing this in public, so the next step was to take him into the bathroom for privacy..... I got down to his level, held his chin in my hand with my face close to his and told him quietly that his behavior was not acceptable - we do not act that way and to get it under control. No shouting or hitting, just a little time to get it together.
I called it an attitude adjustment....my husband was always amazed and intrigued as to what exactly happened in the ladies room that my son would go in screaming and come out compliant....lol!
I guess in your case I would suggest teaching your daughter patience, sharing, and compromise - all difficult lessons, but it sounds like she doesn't have any problems at school, so it should be no different at home. She needs to realize that what she does at school works just as well at home. And have faith....this really is a phase and you CAN train her to accept that she will not get her way all the time. Honestly, I still remind my 8 yr old of this lesson when he whines, but the whining is very short-lived. Lots of luck!

could she be jealous of the baby? the baby isnt at preschool and isnt any competition for her there, but is at home maybe. have you asked her why she screams all the time? maybe you should take her out somewhere you can go together and spend some alone time together and talk to her about why she seems unhappy and screams all the time. was she the youngest before the baby came?

Good gosh!! You just described my great nephew to a "T". No one can stand to be around him...and he is rarely taken anywhere due to this. He always wants what the other child has...he wants the salt and pepper at the table...he wants to put his hand down in ice water and play...he wants to control what tv channel is on...or he wants everyone to play the Wii game he wants on....he doesn't want anyone to touch the chair he is sitting in...he doesn't wanna go in a basket when out shopping...he wants everything he sees in the grocery store...wants everything in the toy section.....Good Lord....it is terrible to be around him....I won't do it anymore...he screams for all of the above....I know what I'd do if I had him...he would get NONE of the above....but all of the above is given to him>>>>>>JUST OT KEEP HIM SHUT UP!!!

are you sure its just speech? if thats the case you need to get her help for speech theres free help through misd and the distrcts schools. you really need to enforce patients n out time on her during the day. if she hits or screams in the car than she will stay in the car for three mins in silence before being removed from the car. i have a child who has a speech issue and she flips if shes not let out immidiatly from the car, it took along time but we showed her its ok to wait. Also at night there called nightfrights or something like that when she gets up doing that at night you need to wake her oh it night fright terrors some kids do it others dont i had two of mine do it one worse than others unfortunatly you may need your hubbie to help because your with her all the time. Your hubbie or you will have to go in and calmly talk her down and have her wake she won't remmebr anything the next day if you ask. She will grow out about age 5 or 6. Good luck

My daughter had a volume issue, she still slips up now and then still, but has gotten better. You might have to "holler" back at her. I'm not suggesting getting into a shouting match. Just something quick to get her attention. Something the shock her out of her usual habit. A sudden stern, "No! Stop it, now!" Make sure you have your face and voice mean business, once she stops yelling and looks at you get down on her level and repeat yourself in a calm voice, but still very angry in look and tone. "No more, you do not yell at me any more. Now go to time out and sit quietly, no more screaming."

Stick to your discipline routine, if she make noise, screams while sitting add another minute. Make sure to tell her, "No, you're screaming again and I told you to be quiet, you have one more minute."

It took 3 days for my daughter to get the idea, but she did spend nearly 15mins in timeout the first couple of times.

Good luck.

Well, she seems to know and follow the rules at pre-school.
Maybe the rules at home are fuzzy? Inconsistent, maybe?
When all else fails, I always would write the house rules, post them and review them AND the consequences with my son. Sounds like time-outs don't phase her. Time to up the ante. No tv., no favorite toy, etc.
If it wasn't for your last two sentences, I was going to suggest ODD!

ah. at preschool she's fine.
because at home it works.
COMPLETELY IGNOR THE SCREAMING
it will be hell. but do it. just hum a song in your head.
tell her ahead of time that you will not respond if she screams.
good luck!
and by the way. that age is just the right age where they scream to test things out, its normal, just gotta meet the challenge : )

Sounds like a little control freak (forgive the term), and needs a good dose of "how it's gonna be". It's time for YOU to lay down the law - not her, which is what she's been doing. Time outs or not.

The time outs aren't working, clearly. My sons best friend was doing this for about 6 mos. The severity depended on who he was around (if I was watching him, he never did this to me. I completely ignored him - and didn't give him his way - if he started in).

Finally, my friend started to use 123 Magic on him. He's done a complete 180. The second the screaming even HINTS at starting, he gets a 1. If she makes it to 3, he's locked in his room and totally ignored until he can be nice.

You're going to have to be a little tough with her, but it'll pay off in strides.

I just read this article and remembered reading your post yesterday and thought I'd share:
http://mothering.com/parenting/mood-from-food
The child described reminded me of how you described your daughter who seems to be suffering quite a bit, poor thing, and poor YOU!
Hope it helps - there's an awesome doctor in Ann Arbor for this if it turns out to be what you need (Susan McCreadie). Good luck!

P.S. It sounds like she's putting on a good face for school (like we all try to do in public) and then melting down where she feels safe...I personally wouldn't use that as a factor in figuring out what's wrong.

it's a pain but you need to consistantly use the same consequence each time she screams. time out is good but not if it is in the same room as everyone else as she is still getting the effect she desires which is your attention. I would remove all toys / fun stuff from her room and each time she screams put her in a time out in her room. not the bed per say but the room. and shut the door. and do it every time. hitting is not acceptable and tell her that each time she does it. she will get the point eventually. good luck

HI J.,

It can only be one of two things if she does it at home and not at daycare. The first is simply discipline, maybe jealousy. I'm not going to go into that because you can get plenty of advise on all sides of the spectrum about discipline. The other is what I am very familiar with and that is chemical caused agitation. My youngest was diagnosed with ADHD and when I detoxed my home and stopped eating fast food er diagnosis was actually removed. She was being agitated at home and i didn't even know it. She would wake in the middle of the night screaming and it would take quite a while to calm her. When she would help me clean, she was in the mists of the lysol and windex and even the other cleaners that were full of chlorine bleach that is simply a neurological toxin. If you think this may be at least part of the issue, get back to me and i can tell you what I did. It was simple and inexpensive so it's not something that can't be tried.

God bless,

M.