18 Month Old Throwing Fits

Children shouldn't watch TV before they are 6 years of age it shortens their attention spans & makes them defiant.

It sounds like you are doing the right things, redirecting and distracting him. And modeling asking nicely. And yes, you have to do it over and over and over and over until it seems like it will never end. And then he will have language and move on to the next challenge. I don't see that time outs will add anything to your toolbox and I have never used them.

I do not think we can tell when kids are hungry and I would assume if he behaves like he is hungry then he is (whether or not it looks to you like he has eaten enough). As long as you are feeding a variety of healthy foods and he is not overweight (check with your ped. if you are concerned), there is no reason to limit his intake. My son at that age would have days where he ate more than DH or I did and days when he ate very little, it's normal.

About the tv, we don't do it, so that would be my best advice. We never had conflicts about it because we didn't have one (yes I know for many people it is a sanity saver, that is just my recommendation to eliminate the tv related issues).
Best of luck.

My son is 17mos and we do have some similar issues. He has about a 15word vocabulary - if you listen carefully :). More is HUGE because like your son, he signed it early on. He is learning the word please and we certainly want him to understand that just because he SAYS it, doesn't me it is an auto 'yes'. Jake throws some tantrums, but it is usually when he is tired. As far as the pointing and screaming, Jake does do some of that because like Evan, he KNOWS where that food is! (observant little guys aren't they?). Jake goes through MAJOR growing spurts. He ONLY eats in his high chair. He can have water or milk out of his chair if he so chooses. So if he wants a snack, I ask 'do you want a snack' or 'are you ready for breakfast' or 'it's time for lunch, let's get in your chair' and I can tell he is 'ready to eat' by the fact that he now GOES to his chair. When he is done, he is done. Some days, he just wants a few bites, other times, I can't keep enough in front of him. When he is pointing, making noises, I reach out my hand and say 'show me' and we find it together and work on the words of what he wants. It takes patience and I certainly don't have it every time, but I try. I talk with him and tell him 'use your words' and of course he looks at me like 'I AM mom - listen, I am :)'. Personally I can't give him a time out if he is truly hungry. I haven't found Jake using food as comfort, that is usually milk (we really should invest in a cow lol). If I think Jake is really hungry I will offer something that has some substance to it if he will eat it - like a potato, bread, veggies, banana. He eats really well, so when he is on his hunger string, he gets a variety of options, but very rarely candy, cookies, etc. (he had a couple of bites of cake last night due to DH b-day, but as a rule he doesn't get sweets as a treat... he gets jello, Popsicles, vanilla wafers, graham crackers, applesauce, that sort of thing). He has a vanilla shake w/gpa on his 1st b-day... he was wired. Yeah, we learn everyday :).

Do you have a place where he sits to eat? Is he allowed to walk around and eat? I think that may be the place to start, from what you are describing.

ETA: about the TV. We have TV, that is just the way it is, but we do limit it. Jake KNOWS the remotes do SOMETHING to it to make it work. He has a couple of favorite shows, DVDs. As an alternative I found some CDs with music from those shows and when he wants the TV I offer the alternative CD and he goes about playing having a great time. We were struggling too because really, he just wanted the sound (much like his mom!). So the CD works :).

Hang in there!

omg I have a 19-month old and you just described him to a tee. lol. My son is CONSTANTLY in the kitchen pointing at the cupboard where we hide the bananas and the refrigerator. It's gotten to a point where we have to find a new hiding place for the bananas (he's obsessed with bananas!) every week. It's the only way he won't throw a tantrum is if we show him where the bananas usually are and he sees for himself that there are none there. Then he'll look sad for a minute before he finds something else to point to and demand. LOL. Cute but tiring! And seriously, sometimes he just eats and eats and eats! And everyone and their mothers say that healthy toddlers will not overeat and that we shoudl just offer healthy stuff and he'll be fine. Well, I followed this advice until one day, he demanded two apples in a row (after he had a healthy dinner) and he threw up a little when he burped/coughed because he had eaten too much. All healthy stuff but too much food for his little stomach! So I talked to his dr about it at the next well baby and he said "well that's basically him telling you to control his portions a bit" so basically, you CAN'T let them eat all day long even if they want to but at the same time, they do go through growht spurts, so you have to let him eat as long as its healthy. Confusing! My son is perfectly proportional on the height/weight charts so the dr said not to worry but I walked away still confused about how to know when to cut off the food =P Anyway, you seem to be doing everything that I'm doing so I dont have any real advice...just wanted to commiserate and say you're in good company! Best of luck,

Talk to him. Talk all the time. Talk in MOTHERESE. Repeat yourself and say it different ways. All this signing is great but he is frustrated because he cannot speak.
Mothers have taught their children to speak by speaking to them in Motherese for thousands of years in every culture on this earth.

Once he isn't frustrated because you hear what he says he won't freak out and your life will be calmer.

if you offer babies and children only healthy foods, they will naturally choose a balanced diet and will not overeat. i would say get rid of the candy and processed foods (white flour, cheese, sugar etc - it would be much better for the whole family as well), then there would be no need to deny him any food that he points to. and i'd also suggest getting rid of the tv (or hiding it if you feel a need to watch it after the kids have gone to sleep) - it's not good for them either. otherwise, i'd suggest that you try to discover what is underneath his unhappiness and his wanting to use food or tv to soothe him - he may need more cuddle time or one-on-one play time. (this could well be the beginning of addictive behavior). i would not do time outs, i think they would only make things worse, since they aren't getting to the root but are only punishing him. you could do time-ins instead, special time where you cuddle, read a book etc (and of course empathize with his feelings).

I agree with dana. Does he like any veggie? My daughter will snack on carrots, broccoli, and cucumber slices. She does eat chips every now and then but I try to offer healthy things as snacks first or offer a little sandwich or something. Some days she constantly eats and some days not. You sound like your doing perfect and with the technique your doing from what I've read will help him be emotionally intelligent. I think it just comes with the territory, the communication barrier, if ya keep doing what your doing he will probably come around and calm down. I read raising an emotionally intelligent child and that helped me when my lil one couldn't talk. Time-out would probably be appropriate if it is quite excessive. There's also another book I read called I brake for tantrums. I'm a book worm and over curious about the world lol

The TV thing should be nipped in the bud... I'm guilty of sometimes letting DD watch too much spongebob or dora and if she gets in a mood she'll yell for it but I try to redirect it to something productive like going to the park (it's around the corner) or coloring or something craft-related or pretend play with her tea set or going on a walk around the block.

How about making a 6 cup muffin tin and putting different healthy snacks in each cup. When he's asking to eat and you don't want him to have a full meal, pull out the tin and let him pick what he wants. You're giving him some reasonable choices within healthy parameters.

Since he signs some things, how about teaching him more signs for the things he wants? There's also a great dvd series called "Signing Time" that might be a good option to try with him. Your local library system might have them available or possibly through VOD.

I agree that he is young to do real time outs with him but you can remove him to another room when he screams and has temper tantrums. He is in the terrible twos even if he is not really two. (my daughter began at six months!) If he screams when he is put into the room leave him there until he calms down, walk away without emotion (hard to do).

If he comes back screaming, put him back again and again until he calms down. Don't give in and don't give up until he calms down. If you give up he will be twice as worse the next time.

Don't leave him there more than a minute--a minute per age is the rule.

You're doing all the things that are usually advised, so don't feel bad. You mentioned "development". The pros are WAY off on this, and tend to way short change kid's maturity.
We nipped our first 2 kid's tantrums quickly at exactly 18 months old, and at 3 and 5 they have never thrown them-it wouldn't cross their minds-because they were not allowed to form the habit. Our 3rd started them at 8 months, so now at 18 months, she is well used to not being able to carry one through, but she is VERY spirited so it took more than one or two instances like with the other two. But now she's ahead of the game and a pro at controlling herself on a warning.
The reason that distracting and redirecting often don't work in the long term is that they are really ways for you to manage yourself while tricking him out of doing something momentarily with no reason not to do it the next time. He won't learn to follow your warning not to do it, because he keeps getting tricked out of it and doesn't know that it's not allowed, because a clear lesson is never taught.

Time outs also tend to enable fits for lots of kids, since at this age they don't mind or care that they've been put somewhere else to cry, and he may just get madder that you took him out of the kitchen and didn't give him what he wanted, and then there is no consequence for escalating the fit in the time out.
He is capable of learning it's not OK to scream about stuff before the habit sets in if you warn him not to, and he is old enough to control it. Once he does, and you've moved straight to hugs and praises for deciding against the fits, you'll see him acting much happier and more proud in general. Good work not waiting until 2.

Save validating his feelings until he's a bit older (darn those experts!!! Kids are too young to discipline, but old enough to have their feelings validated for tantrums at 18 months??!!), keep yourself in clear, brief instruction mode for this age. Validating his feelings during a fit could be misunderstood for affirmation of the fit.

My baby wouldn't get that being validated and then distracted equaled NOT being allowed to do something. She gets hugged and validated all day long, attempting a fit would be one segment of a few seconds in the day where she wouldn't be. Definitely try time outs. But if they don't stop the behavior quickly:
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

Lots of good suggestions but I have to say that my daughter's attitudes improved quite a bit after removing foods she is allergic to.

Hi J.,
It sounds as if your son is right on schedule :) I also have two boys and a girl and they all did this around this age. My best advise is to be consistent. Tell him calmly that the answer is no (or whatever it might be) and eventually this fun phase shall pass (and it's on to the next!) but you'll have set some very important rules with him that will be with him forever. Don't forget to praise him when he does ask and not 'scream'. :)

It is an exhausting stage, and much more so for some toddlers. This is a frustrating time for parents because it's an incredibly frustrating time for the child. They can see and yearn for so many things that are just out of reach or just beyond their ability to do, and they don't have much language yet to talk about their feelings.

You say you have used empathy. Have you tried it the way Dr. Harvey Karp models his approach here? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&a.... . He shows in this (and several linked videos) exactly how he "speaks" the toddler's language, gets on their wavelength, so they know he's on their team.

Your son has very little impulse control at this age, so I would avoid as much of this drama as possible by keeping off-limit snacks out of sight, perhaps even asking sister to snack out of his view, but having a small plate of sliced veggies and fruit always available, perhaps with some raisins or squares of whole-grain toast or omelet. Having the children share the same healthy snack might be an even better approach. Unless he's gaining undesirable fat, there's probably no need to limit his healthy foods, and he could be truly hungry. Between 6 months and 6 years, kids have pretty variable appetites, roughly corresponding to growth spurts.

You could try introducing time-outs, and at 18 months, he's just on the leading edge of the time these seem to be effective. And if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't scramble too hard trying to please the little screamer, because that is rewarding the behavior that's driving you batty. It's one thing to empathize strongly, and another to grasp for ways to please him.

There will be moms who advise spanking this behavior out of a child, but there are some pretty compelling reasons not to (see http://www.extension.umn.edu/distribution/familydevelopme... ), the most compelling for me being that the behavior stops not because of internalized emotional development, but merely because of a fear of being hurt or humiliated. At some point, the child needs an inner compass, because you won't be there all the time to guide his choices.

Other parenting approaches are much better at developing that inner guidance, in spite of the horror stories you will hear about not spanking creating rude, out-of-control children. Dr. Karp's book or video, The Happiest Toddler on the Block, is a great starting place. And another book, Playful Parenting, is often a great help for parents with spirited kids.

One final note: many kids do better with no TV, or with VERY limited access. Watching television is a passive process that messes with the brain function, sort of like brain candy, and it has an addictive effect. It also has apparent effects later on when the child starts school. For this reason, developmental researches are suggesting NO television for at least the first two years.