Our 15 year wedding anniversary is coming up in January. For a few years off and on my husband and I have been saying we would go on a big trip, just the two of us, maybe back to our honeymoon spot. We have a timeshare so it would really be mostly paying for the flight which would be a couple thousand dollars. We are taking an expensive family trip in a few weeks with our two kids.
The problem is that I do not feel like we have much to celebrate because our marriage is really not that great. So I really don't feel like spending the money and flying across the country to "celebrate" our 15 year anniversary. We don't argue, but we really don't communicate at all. It's like I have a great roommate that is very helpful in raising my kids and we manage our household well and give the kids everything they need and a lot of what they want, but that's it. When we took a great trip for our 5th anniversary, we said we would do something big every 5 years. Around year 10 our marriage was just as bad and neither of us even mentioned a trip, so that never happened. We eventually went to counseling, things were better for a while, but now it is back to being as I described. It's not that I haven't tried, but its hard when you are the only one trying for more than a day. I'm just done even when I notice him recently occasionally trying, it's a little late. My mind set is already used to just focusing on the kids.
Next school year money will be tight because it is the year of a big trip for both kids, my daughter's graduation from 8th grade, 13th bday, our son does competitive (expensive) sports, so really, we could use the couple thousand for other things. They go to private school, which we afford by making some sacrifices.
So would you go on this trip just because you were "supposed to?" He mentioned looking into flights etc a few months back, but nothing since. I am thinking of telling him to just take the planning of it off his plate so we can use the money for other things coming up. I'm actually kind of curious how he would respond to that. I obviously know we need to address the real problem, but I just don't have the energy for it right now with big projects at work, a huge event I am chairing for a group I volunteer for, kids' events etc. And, I know this will sound bad, but like I said, I feel like we have been "trying" unsuccessfully for about 5 years and I am tired. I only have so much energy to give and my kids are the priority right now.
I also don't want to bring it up until after our family trip in July just in case it causes tension. I really don't know what he will feel about it, maybe relief. I don't know. I just know that inside I am miserable and exhausted from constantly putting on the happy perfect family facade everyone sees. But I just take it day by day.
First I want to thank everyone for responding with what seems like genuinely caring advice. I have been thinking about resigning from my volunteer work after this event I am chairing in a couple months. The though of it makes me sad- it is suicide prevention, which has impacted my extended family and why I have done it for the last 5 years, but it is taking a toll on my mental and physical health, and obviously my marriage because it can be time consuming and stressful at times. I think I will take the advice of many of you who said to do SOMETHING if not the big trip. And it is probably time for counseling again, but not until after the volunteer event. I just can't even think of adding something else in the mix right now.
I also want to clarify for some that its not like my kids are living in an unhappy home. My husband and I are great at "getting along" and we do so many things to make sure our kids have many experiences and opportunities, as well as just plain fun. I am not necessarily looking to divorce or find someone else. Honestly, if I did divorce I can't see myself ever remarrying especially when the kids are still at home. I just wouldn't want to put them through that. Most of the misery is happens in my own head and I do a great job of looking happy most of the time.
And Mum4ever, please do not "imagine" who pays for what in my family. I made reference to the fact that I work in my original post. Without my income, we could not afford private school, the uniforms, and other expenses including the $1500 8th grade trip and $400 6th grade trip. So I really did not appreciate your comments assuming I view my husband as a "paycheck."
I wouldn't plan something expensive, but something closer by that is less expensive but would just be the two of you to have some time to reconnect would not be a bad idea. Make it a mandatory no-electronics time (except for emergencies from the kids), so you're forced to actually communicate with each other.
Sometimes a weekend away (just the two of you) can do wonders for a marriage. Or even a week away, if you think more time would be a good idea. Consider some time away from teh kids if you have someone who can watch the kids. Is there a way you can arrange that?
Marriage isn't trying for ONE day. Marriage is trying EVERY DAY for the rest of your life.
Go back to marriage counseling.
Take a trip.... Maybe not to "celebrate", maybe to "connect".
C.:
I'm sorry you are not happy. I am truly sorry.
What are you putting into your marriage? Any effort? Please don't take that wrong. But PLEASE understand NO MARRIAGE is perfect. There is no fairy tale and "happily ever after".
My parents have been married 56 years - and even NOW they WORK on it. Made more difficult that for the last 17 or 18 years, my paternal grandmother has been living with my parents. So that is NOT easy. She's now 96 years old and for them in their late 70's? It's like having a kid all over again!!
I have been married 16 years this October. We have had WONDERFUL years, bad years, good years and so-so years. Those wonderful years? We were BOTH actively participating in our marriage....communicating, doing things as a family, doing things as a couple. Those bad years? We were both "disinterested" and they weren't "years" - but times in our life. Just like a roller coaster...up and down, twists and turns.
You need to learn how to communicate with each other again. CONNECT with each other again...LISTEN to each other again. your marriage is a garden...there are BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS waiting to be cultivated...and there are weeds that need to be pulled. Marriage is WORK. it is a relationship. You get out of it what you put into it.
Consider marriage counseling. Consider therapy for yourself. You might be depressed as well...which is contributing to your being miserable....
Get a calendar. Get your family on a schedule. take your son out of some sports - he doesn't NEED to do more than 2 sports.
You can afford a private school because you sacrifice. That's GREAT! now, you need to put your marriage first. Show your children what a marriage is like. YOU CAN DO THIS!! DO NOT GIVE UP.
You NEED a break. You NEED a vacation. Your family is overbooked. maybe take a timeshare somewhere other than your honeymoon spot....look around for money better spent. If you aren't using your timeshare - sell it.
You need a break. You need to schedule time for yourself. Be it girls night out - or to go to the Town Center and sit and read a book while people walk by....date nights with your husband - even if it means spreading a blanket out on the living room floor and sharing a bottle of wine and fruit...if neither of you drink - a tea or water - you get the drift. date nights do NOT have to be "going out" they can be catch up at home. Time for yourself is just as vitally important as date night with your husband.
Start KISSING your husband again when he walks in the door from work. Compliment him on something. TALK WITH him. NOT TO him...open the lines of communication again...write down a list of things you appreciate about your husband. write down a list of things YOU want to do with him....what were some of your dreams when you got married? Share them....see if those dreams are attainable...
PLEASE!!! DO NOT GIVE UP! Please schedule an appointment with your PCP...find a therapist for you and a marriage counselor ....ensure that the marriage counselor is one that will WORK WITH YOU and show you how your marriage can and will work....
best of luck to you!! Please! Please! Please! Seek help! YOU CAN DO THIS!!
As someone who is coming back from the brink of divorce in my marriage, this is my advice:
You should not spend a fortune for your 15th, because there is a good chance it will be wasted. But you should go somewhere, because getting away is really healthy and is the best chance to rekindle whatever is left in the relationship. Spouses always look better in a new environment, where you are away from all the usual issues.
I think you should make it a small trip, maybe three nights or so, to a hotel someplace nice a couple of hours away from home. You have kids together, so it is definitely worth working on the marriage, but that can probably only be done at this point if the two of you get away together.
I know just how you feel, and that is what I would do if I were in your situation. Good luck!
I didn't read any other replies, so please forgive me if I am repeating another suggestion.
You ignored the 10 year trip since you weren't feeling it. That didn't help your marriage at all, did it? If anything, that probably hurt it. Use this trip as an opportunity to reconnect. Remember the man you fell in love with? I'm sure he's still in there. You didn't say anything in your post to indicate that he became a bad person, or anything like that. So, he's still there. Go find him again! It doesn't have to be a budget-busting trip. Take a long weekend away for just the two of you.
Your marriage NEEDS to be your top priority, because that is what will be best for your kids. When you place your kids higher than your marriage, it is trouble in the making. Your kids only exist because of the love you and your husband have for one another. You came together to bring these children into the world. When volunteer duties and the kids' activities interfere with your marriage it is time to cut back on them.
I hope you can see that there isn't anything you described to make me think you are in a bad marriage. You just need to make your marriage the highest priority, not an option.
You, "'I'm just done even when I notice him recently occasionally trying, it's a little late....:
Me, " You are one insensitive, uncaring, ungrateful, self-centered, unforgiving, vain, woman."
Do you see how you immediately dismissed his efforts?
Wow...poor man...poor husband....poor dad...
It is never too late to soften your heart and try to make your man feel special and honored and respected. I imagine you are not the one paying for private school and expensive sports. I imagine he is. And I don't know too many men who emotionally feel fulfilled being just a pay check for their families.
That is in part, your job, as a wife. To help him feel emotionally well, and connected, and in love with his life and wife.
Yes, go celebrate your anniversary. Get drunker than sin, and have wild sex.
P.S. Does everyone serve you this poorly? Or just husband?
Well, it sure sounds like you two could use some time together, doesn't it?
There you go.
Good luck!
It sounds like some time away is EXACTLY what the two of you need. From your post, I don't get the impression that he is a negative influence in your life...rather, that the flame between the two of you needs some serious fuel. It may be easier today to continue as co-parents and roommate, but it would be a lot more beneficial in the long run, if you two rekindled your flame...not to mention more enjoyable for you along the way.
Why not suggest a series of smaller trips - like a weekend away, every two months, leading up to your big anniversary date, and a date night every second Friday (or whenever)? Rather than putting a lot of pressure on one big, expensive trip, you'll be building on a relationship that clearly had a lot to celebrate at year 5.
You sound exhausted. And rightly so. Is there something you can do together, like a nightly walk around the block, to reconnect and relax?
Good luck, Sweetie!
I wouldn't plan a big, expensive trip. But I think I would casually mention to him that your 15th is coming up and you would like to plan something to maybe "jump start" your marriage again. Plan maybe 4 days away local without kids. Tell him you got married and want to stay married but you need to both work on getting the "happy" back. See if he's willing to and then DO IT. And go back to counseling too. Good luck.
I really, really, really think that you need to go on this trip. Sometimes you need a forced break from reality.... I don't think that canceling the trip or taking a short weekend trip is going to feel much different than your normal everyday lives. I DO think that if you make plans to go on a bigger trip (as originally planned), then you WILL be forced to make arrangements for your children to be taken care of. I also think that it will force you to spend time with just your husband. This could be an excellent opportunity to reconnect...and I know that you're tired of trying. :( I still say to go for it. Sometimes the excitement of planning a trip and doing things as a couple can get you talking again...and more than about the kids.
I would recommend you get the book about the 5 Love Languages. Sometimes the way each one of us shows our love does not match how our significant others prefer to receive love. For example, I'm all about the words; whereas some people are all about the gifts. If you shower me with gifts it is more of an annoyance (what am I going to do with this? This is just another trinket to dust! etc.) than if you TELL me how special I am to you. If your husband is trying to show his love in one way, and it is not your preferred way of receiving, then you may not realize how he is trying (and maybe he isn't trying....but I think it will be interesting to see how a vacation away from everything else might open up some lines of communication). You may be surprised about what happens with this one on one time with each other, and you may find more ways to be what the other person needs. You fell in love for a reason...you have a beautiful family. Sometimes we all need a reminder of where we started from. Be optimistic and go for it!
Sounds like you could actually really use this trip. If not the big trip to your timeshare, perhaps something shorter and closer to home that's less expensive so therefore less of a commitment of your strained resources?
Maybe taking a time out from real life with your husband, and spending some time together with just the two of you, would be enough to give you that push you need to keep working on things.
My husband and I are often on the brink of calling it quits. We have had some major dealbreaker issues come up that we have had to work with, but a lot of our issues are the same sorts of things that you bring up. We went away for a weekend for his 40th birthday a few years ago. Honestly we were in a pretty hostile space leading up to that, but we were able to just relax and enjoy each other's company for a few days and it really was a wonderful trip.
If I were you, I wouldn't give up this opportunity to reconnect and to celebrate. Although your marriage doesn't feel great, you *are* doing it - you're grinding it out, putting in the work, and making it happen. You're building a good life for your kids (assuming that you don't live under a cloud of palpable hosility that they can't ignore and are miserable and tense because of it), are balancing career and volunteer work and kids and marriage and you're surviving. IMO, that's worth celebrating, with the man who's in the trenches with you.
You and your husband need to address your marriage immediately. I understand putting the kids needs first but if there is no marriage what about the kids? Having a good marriage with the father of your children is a priority. THAT is taking care of your kids and your family.
I don't understand a big trip for your daughters "graduation" from 8th grade or 13th birthday. I get wanting to do something for the 13th birthday but she isn't graduating, she is moving into high school. She will graduate from high school.
In the end, I really think you and your husband need to take a weekend and talk about what each of you want from your marriage. I also think that you need to re-evaluate your priority. Your husband is a priority as well and it seems that you have forgotten that, which is very easy to do.
In the end, are you doing your kids any favors by not paying attention to your marriage? That is the question.
Don't go, but please try to work on your marriage.
This is tremendously sad. Your marriage NEEDS resuscitation! Please plan an amazing, romantic trip, and really try to bring your marriage back to life. ♥
You say that your marriage "isn't that great," but it seems like it isn't that bad, either (from what is written). You say that he tries, but you pretty much just ignore it (or, more that you try for more than a day, but ignore it when he tries... so timing is off between you?). You say that he mentioned looking into flights several months ago (=he tried but got nothing back from you?). You sound exhausted ("done" as you put it--and I've been there). It also sounds like maybe your priorities are out of whack (sorry, but it seems pretty glaring).
My point is, as others have said, that it sounds like your marriage NEEDS for you and your husband to get away from all the humdrum and responsibilities in order to reconnect. Jeez, go have fun!! Even if it's just the next town over for a couple nights. Don't do anything that will stress you financially or make you unsure of the money you're spending... but go get to enjoy your husband and your marriage again! (And yeah, maybe look into counseling again).
Anyway, good luck! Some of what you wrote about your relationship hits very close to home.... but that also makes me suspect you have plenty there to put effort into... I know you're tired, but you need to put your marriage higher on your priorities list (above, perhaps, your volunteering??). Please try to reconnect with your husband. I hope you two get back on a similar wavelength (timing) soon, where you're both putting energy in at the same time. Get excited for some alone time with the man you fell in love with! :)
Maybe a nioce vacation - just the two of you is what you really need.
That and some more therapy. If you don't hate each other and still love each other, then therapy will do wonders to improve the everyday blahs. So will a vacation!
I get not doing anything big for your 15 year ~ we sure didn't ~ on the actual day, our older one had something at church in the evening, our younger one had an open house for school, & we ate leftovers! We had some things going on & were saving $$ too (we took little trips throughout the year).
You talk about not communicating but then are debating on when to tell him. Sounds like counseling didn't work much for you either.
It does make me feel sad that work projects and an event you're volunteering for are being put before your hubby. It sounds like you're too busy for him. Is this how you've been "trying" for the last 5 years? Are you putting other projects & work before him, making you tired? Maybe he thinks he's trying & doesn't feel appreciated because you're too busy for him.
Marriage is work! How hard are you working on your marriage instead of other things?
do what eases your heart. The only expectations should be yours & his.
Could you see your way clear to having marriage counseling as your "anniversary present"? It's sad that you two don't communicate.
If that's not something you can consider, what about a marriage seminar or marriage retreat?
Watch the movie "Hope Springs". I saw it on an airplane - it stars Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. I had no idea what it was about, but it was a pretty poignant movie and might help you.
It sounds like you really do need this trip, if not to "celebrate" your marriage, then to at least focus on it without any other distractions that are maybe real and time consuming or maybe just things you allow to keep you busy so you have something to hide behind. If money for the next school year is an issue, take a trip somewhere nearby that would cost less than the plane tickets.
I feel sad when I read this because I think I can see some of myself in this. My husband is also "great" and "helpful" but since my second son was born I think we have been getting neglectful of our relationship. I don't even know what we'd talk about if we had a week all to ourselves! But here's the thing, we've got to do better. We can't just drift from one day to the next, one month to the next, one year to the next without considering what direction we're going in. I don't want to end up one of those couples who amicably divorces after the kids leave because they have nothing in common anymore. Our relationship came first, before the kids. It was the first thing we created together. I wouldn't let one of my boys slowly starve to death in the corner and just avoid looking at him. I surely can't allow that to happen to my marriage.
Sooo...what's your question? If you don't want to take a trip, don't take a trip. You should at least be able to talk about that, right? "Hey, do you have anything in mind for our anniversary? What do you wanna do?" Tell him what's already planned for the money so he has time to make some adjustments if he wants to or can. If you're done, he needs to know where you are. If you are reluctantly open to letting him win you back, let him know that, too. If you guys aren't already in counseling, may I suggest that you find a counselor who can specialize in intimacy? You're hurting, but you're not ready to just chunk it. It's easier and more desirable not to be vulnerable with him. You've been hurt and feel that damage has been done, but it's been so long that you are just not up for dredging it all up in order to address and repair it. Let someone help you with that. THEN you can decide if you are done.
I am actually going through the same thing we have 3 small boys and it has been 13 years. I feel like I only stay there for the kids. My suggestion is trying to go on a date first and see how that goes. You still love him? If the answer is yes then you need to try. My head says to forget the trip with him and save your money for all the items you mentioned above but my heart says because I am in the same situation as you is try and see if you have any romance left for each other. Try that date see how it goes. If it is amazing then go on your trip or try 1 more date before your trip. Try and rekindle the love you have for each other. It might help bring the 2 of you closer. I keep saying the same to my husband. It would only be the 2 of you so that way you can focus on each other without interruptions!!!! If the date or dates are a disaster then you have your answer right there. You need alone time away from kids in order to figure out what you want. Hope that helps!!! :) J.
