Preventing the 20 Year Divorce

"The most important thing a father can do for his kids is love their mother."

Growing up my dad told me this many times. I didn't understand it at the time, but wow do I appreciate it now. I couldn't be more grateful that my parents had (and after 45 years still have) a good marriage.

I have two friends who did faith-based marriage weekend retreats around the 15 year mark. Both said it was a great way to get a "tune-up" for their marriage and really reconnect.

Life is way too short to get upset over this, just book something else for another time. We celebrated outer 40th three months after the date. It's not about the "actual date" really.

Disappointment doesn't usually lead one to jump to the topic of divorce.

At this very moment, I will confess, I am disappointed in my husband. No, he didn't do anything truly terrible, but he didn't live up to some expectations which, while I was mad about it this morning, I should have known I needed to convey better to him. He and Kiddo are out right now, but after they get home, after my husband gets a little break, I'm going to talk with him about it and figure out how we can work out a plan to help things be workable for me. (I've been suffering kidney stones for the past week and am dealing with a lot of pain. He's had a long week as well. Our communication hasn't been great.)

My guess: This, what I describe to you, is how you ward off a divorce. You give the other person the benefit of the doubt. You decide to talk to them in a way that is solution-oriented. For me, it's going to be spelling out what I am needing and what my abilities currently are when it comes to tasks.

One thing I will caution you about is being neither overly-dramatic or coming across as overly capable. I know I tend to do the latter. A couple years ago I was in the hospital for an appendectomy. I didn't want to-- and didn't need-- a lot of handholding. This Monday when we were waiting in the ER due to the pain I was having, Kiddo finally turned to my husband and asked "How long are we going to wait? I thought we were just dropping her off." I laughed at this. It's his -- and my husband's, no less-- experience of me, that I can 'handle' things which are very painful to deal with. What I'm saying is that you might also be in the habit of letting people believe you can do/manage more than you really want to, including the disappointment of the changed plans. Which means sitting down when you are both able to focus and saying, without judgment "You know, I am just not feeling very appreciated right now. I was disappointed that I made a lot of effort to arrange this and you didn't seem to remember. In the future, ___________________"(Insert your positive suggestion here : "please check with me" or "let's coordinate our calendars" or something that's progressive, not a lecture).

You preserve marriage by making the effort to talk about the hard things. I'm not going to say anything about how you should or shouldn't feel about your anniversary. What I will say is that if you are jumping to the thought of divorce, then you need to talk to the man because that IS a dramatic reaction. And that's not helpful for anyone--not you, your psyche, or your relationships--no one.

And I can tell you, because I homeschool now as well, J., you have to put yourself as a couple first. What the kids need most isn't necessarily time with Dad, it's to see Mom and Dad in a loving relationship on a day to day basis, and taking time for themselves as a couple. Otherwise, it's easy for our kids to forget they aren't the center of the universe, you know?

I'm struck by your words "the kids will protest" and "I tend to agree with them"
Well, you said a mouthful right there. So WHAT if the kids protest? I imagine both you and your husband usually put their needs/wants first, as most parents tend to do. But you know what? Sometimes it's okay, even healthy, for kids not to always get their way. They need to learn the world does not revolve around them, they need to hear the word no. Mom and dad have needs too.
Did you ever figure out your housing situation? I know you didn't want to move but if your husband is still spending most of his waking hours working and commuting he's bound to be disconnected. That's a real problem.
I imagine if your husband were on here right now he'd probably say HE feels like he's last on your list of priorities as well, right? It really does go both ways.
And don't underestimate the power of laughter and sex. Even if you can't get out as much as you like you can still put on a funny movie, drink wine and get naked, that's a lot better than dealing with a sitter any day, and requires no effort other than a desire to have fun and be together.
ETA: I like someone's idea about just going along with your husband on his trip, especially since you already have a sitter lined up! I used to do that when I could, and even if my husband was busy with meetings during the day we still had cocktails and dinner, and I had no problem keeping myself occupied with books and pool/spa time for me during the day.

Marriage is between two adults, children are an added benefit. You are a woman, a wife and then a mother in that order. Somehow you have gotten out of balance on the woman and wife first.

I am a retired military wife and there were many anniversaries when hubby was not home to celebrate the milestone. I didn't get upset because it did no good. We celebrated when he got back the same with birthdays and holidays.

Please spend more time with hubby and maybe less with the kids. When they are gone are you two going to be able to sit in the same room and have something to talk about or will it be dead silence because you don't know each other? That is the real reason why marriages don't work is because you have grown apart and don't know each other and their needs/wants as an individual. Are there any community goals you two would like to do in the future without the kids being part of the process? We are supposed to raise children to leave the nest not stay in the nest.

I will be celebrating my 45th anniversary this year if all goes well and hubby doesn't kick the bucket due to health issues. The last 8 years have been the best and the worst of our marriage but we are together and we will get through things. He has thanked me for saving his life because he was not able to think clearly let alone move physically from a spot on the sofa. I called the ambulance and had him transported to the hospital and he had emergency brain surgery in the golden hour which saved his life.

You do need to figure out what you want and what hubby wants/needs and compromise. Find a home that is closer so he can be home for dinner. Send the kids to public/private school so you have some time to yourself or take a class or hobby. Make some new friends or find a job. These are things you need to do instead of worrying about "getting a divorce" that is the last thing that you do. Time to get the big girl panties and wear them correctly.

the other S.

PS Life is short so enjoy it wisely. Make new memories with hubby. The kids will be fine in third or fourth place for a bit. The word NO is great to use as the real world will tell them quite quickly.

Can you invite yourself along with hubby and enjoy the sightseeing/spa/shopping while he is networking? And then have breakfasts/dinners together and sightseeing together?
I would be curious to see his reaction. My husband travels for work a lot and he would love it if I could come with him sans children. Even if you just went for 2 nights or however long you booked your Mom to watch the kids.
Just a thought. Sometimes just getting some alone time is better than nothing no matter where it takes place.

Eta: Executive conferences are not all fun. It's pressure because you have to keep your A game going nonstop. Sure, there are activities lined up for networking, etc. We have a conference each spring and fall. I usually tagged along, especially on the spring trips which were held at nice places. Still, we were both very aware that even though it's a conference, it's a working conference with other associates in the field, competitors, busines owners and a lot of negotiating going on. Try to go with him!!

Original: My 27th anniversary would have been New Years Eve 2015. My husband died suddenly in October 2015.

Marriage is work, it's not always a good ride. We all go through ups and downs but our commitment to each other outweighed the down parts of our marriage.

We worked together as well so we were together pretty much 24/7. We did date night weekly. It was that important for us to get out and do something just the 2 of us.

As for your "day" you don't "have" to celebrate on the actual day. It's ok to celebrate on another day.

I know you feel slighted but try to remember why you are married to your husband and how you love your sweet children.

It sounds like he's going on a business trip, not a fun trip. He's probably stressed about being gone a week as well.

Hang in there, be more flexible with plans and try to understand that your husband is trying to provide for his family.

It sounds like this was something you were really looking forward to. You were looking forward to this time with your husband, not just because you enjoy spending time with him, but also because it is a special anniversary. It sounds like you think maybe he didn't place the same level of importance on it that you did and that he doesn't appreciate how much work you put into making this happen.

I think because you are a SAHM and because you homeschool that possibly he doesn't relate at all to the pressures you face and the challenges you face. I know that when I was a SAHM my husband didn't get it at all. Sometimes it felt like he didn't even try, but the truth is he'd never been a SAH parent, and he really didn't understand the day to day challenges and how much I really did for the family. Now that I work full-time and he has more parent related responsibilities, he is so much more understanding. We both know what it's like to put in a full day's work and still come home to a house and kids.

I could be off-base here, but often times reading your posts makes me wonder if your husband takes many of those things for granted. When you are home with the kids full-time and homeschool, you don't have co-workers, you don't have business trips, you are on the job 24/7. It's a big deal. It's a huge commitment. Unfortunately, adults who have never been in your shoes are often guilty of thinking that all you do is sit around and eat bon bons while the other parent has to "work."

I don't think this is about the art exhibit or about your anniversary as much as it is about your husband making you a priority.

You know, it's not always going to be like this.
Someday the kids will be grown and gone and it's going to be you and Hubby and you'll be off doing things together and sending postcards to the grand kids.
You're just in that time of life when you are being pulled in every direction at the same time.
We've probably put the relationship on the back burner more than we should but careers and kid(s) come first right now.
We're working with a financial planner and planning how to pay for college and retirement - and we're getting nothing but compliments on how we've saved and planned and - we're going to be ABLE to retire in relative comfort and maintain the quality of life we have now.
It makes me feel our family team is doing something very right.

You and Hubby need to keep talking.
Don't hide your feelings.
Can you celebrate your 15th anniversary a month later?
We celebrate but we don't get tied up about doing it ON THAT date.
Same thing with birthdays.

I can't tell you how many times my husband has been out of town on our anniversaries, birthdays, etc. I had a Disney trip scheduled when he had to be out of town. I went anyway with the kids and after his trip, he spent $700 on a plane ticket just to spend 2 days down there with me. He doesn't care for Disney, so it wasn't for Disney that he joined me. He wanted to be with me for our anniversary because we've been apart for so many of them.

What you haven't talked about is how he acted when you told him. Was he apologetic? Did he offer an apology?

Honestly, I think that you have a different idea than I do of what "the right path" is. Your husband works hard and provides well for your family. That's his job. You have very strong ideas of what you want family life to be like yourself. You homeschool your kids, you keep a spotless house, you are thrifty with money to the point that you don't want to hire anyone to do stuff in your house because you want your husband to do it instead, and then you let that become a sticking point in your relationship. You've talked about that for a long time here (especially when you were trying to decide on selling your house.)

My husband's job is a lot like yours, from several of your descriptions. I do not see things the way you do. I am right beside him in understanding that what he does in his job is a benefit to all of us. Does it stink that I don't see him much sometimes? Yes.

My point is that the path HE is on is the path that I need to be on. And that is the point that you don't want to hear. If you are going to be the stay-at-home spouse, then you need to work HIS path and not be constantly fighting against it.

You might need your sleep on Wednesday nights, but staying up for your husband is more important. You put your kids well before your husband. It's very apparent in what you've written in the past. You aren't helping yourself by doing that. It's an ingrained habit with you.

If you need to take a nap, call a babysitter and go out of the house and sneak back in to get to your bedroom, and take a nap. If you can meet your husband for a rendevouz, get a babysitter and go do that. With homeschooling, you have flexibility. Just because you have a very clear schedule doesn't mean that the schedule should be more important than your husband.

I really think that if you change your way of thinking, your relationship with your husband will be better.

Another vote for "celebrate another day". Hang in there. It DOES get better!

I think you have gotten many posts that would be very thought provoking (and hopefully helpful to you) in terms of perspective.

The only other thing that came to MY mind is that IF your husband is still seeking a new job, I would think that ANY networking opportunity would be a priority. Potential new job...new location etc might serve to help with the housing/commuting issues of which you often speak.

I might be inclined to see his trip in that kind of light.

Your kids will adjust, and follow YOUR lead. If YOU make it an issue, they will follow suit.

I wish you the best.

It seems like maybe you are too focused on the kids. I've seen marriages fall apart for this very reason, so many young mothers nowadays falling into this very weird (in my opinion) lifestyle of constantly engaging with their children and ignoring themselves and their spouses and friends. My mom loved me and taught me a lot but she sure didn't spend all her time focusing on me or my sister, as a matter of fact she sent us outside a lot. She spent her time gardening and socializing with other women while we were in school, she wasn't there volunteering and hovering all over us like so many women feel the need to do now, and I know she and my dad spent pretty much every evening together after we went to bed with the bedroom door closed. Date nights were rare (honestly I don't really remember them going out) but why would you need that if you spent time connecting every night? My husband and I do that in addition to date nights and I think that's all you need, time together every day to just talk and cuddle. Let your kids know when the bedroom door is closed it's mommy and daddy time, period.

That would bother me too. My husband and I both work full time and our relationship has come last for years because I want to spend all non working time with the kids. He thinks I take that to an extreme so if I had planned a trip for the two of us, he'd be pretty happy I think. You didn't give your husbands response or if he has total choice to go or not. Maybe his boss strongly suggested it. But since he does have the option of leaving at a different time and only barrier is not seeing the kids, I think it is a no brainier. Lots of men travel a lot for their jobs. And their kids turn out fine. This one time he will go a long stretch is a blip in time your kids will never remember or care about someday. If he's an attentive father in general, then this just doesn't matter. Then you can go and reconnect and get a better sense what's going on. Maybe there is an issue or this trip will highlight there isn't one. Honestly this is an easy choice to me. The kids will live. And the most important thing I've been told for healthy kids is for them to have happily married parents. So you'd be doing this for the kids too.

To me this is a no brainer. He needs to change his "business" trip. It isn't actually meeting with clients but more learning and networking, which is important, but no, your anniversary trip was planned first so to *me* that is a no brainer.

And it would have been helpful to know what HE said about this. Did he flat out say, no way am I changing this trip? Was he at all sympathetic but still said he couldn't change it?

And I agree about the kids insisting on seeing him the week before...don't they see him all the time? I don't see this as a valid issue at all.

I would have a VERY big problem with this if I were you. I would be upset too. But not knowing how he responded is harder to say what I would do now. Good luck.

I am not sure why you think 20 is some magic number. My first marriage ended at 18 years because I had enough. It was never a great marriage, 18 years was my limit.

Still having such an awful marriage and seeing how bad it can be makes sweating something like an art exhibit seem very trivial. I mean if this is what makes you considerI divorce, makes divorce come to mind, what kind of marriage do you have?

My birthday was in March, he comes to me, I had a choice of missing the brewfest or your birthday. I won't be in town for your birthday. "You are so weird" I laughed about it. We can choose to make a big deal out of these things or we can choose to laugh it off.

You can choose to make a big deal out of this or you can try to find tickets a different day and just sneak off for an afternoon or evening if this exhibit means that much to you. If it is all about the drama of booking this and that and finding sitters for everyone and all of that then you wanted the drama, not the art, and if that means more than your marriage? There are an awful lot of I wants, I feel, I am, in your what happened. Marriage is 2 people.

By the way we are heading to Brussels next week for our 5 year anniversary. I picked Italy for our honeymoon, he picked Brussels for 5 years, we both agree Australia for 10. Thing is our anniversary isn't until July. This is when we can swing the trip. Doesn't bother us at all. Maybe if you had included your husband in your planning this wouldn't have happened.

My husband and I will have been married for 18 years this fall. One thing that helps a lot with scheduling is having a shared Google calendar. We put both personal stuff and family/kid stuff on it. It usually prevents accidental double booking.

In this scenario, because you said he has a choice and it is not required, my reply would have been "We already have plans for our anniversary then, so you won't be able to do your work trip." and he would say, "Oops!" and change it.

If your husband has *intentionally* chosen a non-essential, fun trip over your anniversary trip, or if you remind him and he refuses to cancel, then I think you have your answer as to the state of your marriage. You won't be able to repair the rift alone, he has to want it too.

I agree with B.

My siblings are are older - have hit the 20 and 25+ mark with their marriages.

When I'm going through a rough patch they remind me that these years are the rough ones. With the kids. Then it gets busy with teenagers and you just get through that. You're chauffeurs and worry about them when they don't get home on time at night .. Then suddenly they're not there and you have couple time again.

I agree, celebrate on a different day and just make it special. I think where it's a work trip maybe he couldn't change the date? Talk to him. Just tell him your feelings. Sometimes just sharing them is enough to feel better.

I find when you hit the age where your oldest can stay home with the siblings (ours did a babysitting course) life gets a bit easier. We found we were suddenly giddy almost at being able to just take off for a coffee together. It does get easier.

Good luck and keep us posted :)

I agree that in this case, with all the work and excitement you have put in for your anniversary trip, the kids can suck it up this time and not get to see Dad for a ton of time before he leaves. No, it's not ideal, but then again neither is your alternative. If you want to put your marriage and your husband first then simply explain to the children that things worked out this way this time and hopefully Dad can do a fun thing with them on the weekend he returns.

You didn't share his response to the situation. That would be helpful if we knew where he was coming from. Right now, it seems as a reader, he may not even know he did that b/c you haven't mentioned that he knows of the conflict. If you just now 'realized' it then he may not have 'realized' it either. Your words are very submissive and docile regarding your reaction. Please don't be a martyr when it is this important to you.

Go to him. Assume nothing. Ask questions. Talk it out. Then come back to the board if you still need advice.

To address the 20 year itch, my husband and I are going through that right now. It's tough but we talk it out as much as we can and we KNOW what our end goal is - for us to stay together. Addressing the issue is the first step on both parts, until that happens, your fears will begin to come true. Good luck!

Maybe he just forgot?

It IS a work trip, so maybe he has to do it. If it were me, I would say something like, "Oh honey, darn, I booked our anniversary events that day. Is there any way you can change it?" If he can't, then change the dates.

I don't get hung up on dates, so this wouldn't faze me at all, unless I'd spend money that couldn't be refunded. I'd just change the dates.

To me, the kind of thing that drives people apart is wives getting all fussed over an anniversary date when the husband is just doing what he needs to do in order to support his family. Not celebrating an anniversary on an exact date should not drive people apart, imo.

If you feel the two of you are becoming distant for other reasons, then that's its own conversation. But if he can't change the date, then I think you should just calmly reschedule, no big deal. Relationships usually do come last when couples are juggling the demands of work and family - that's typical.

I may be wrong, and maybe your husband is becoming distant and purposely overlooked this and it is a sign of a bigger problem, but I don't think you should make a fuss over a date.

I would tell him that he messed up and that we already have plans and if he doesn't fix this then I'm going without him and might be without him when he comes home.

That was very thoughtless of him and it should be addressed. We almost got divorced at right around the 10 year mark and for us counseling made all the difference. What we learned was in part how to effectively, honestly, and openly communicate with each other and, just as importantly, how to listen without any judgements.

We realized we needed to connect more with each other so we started setting a time every night when everyone retires to their own bedrooms for the night (8 pm for us). The kids don't have to go to sleep, they can play with each other, watch tv, or read a book, until the set lights out time. That gives us time each and every night for just the two of us, so we have time to watch a show together, talk, cuddle, or have sex, whatever our mood dictates :) We make sure to have family time before that every night, like after dinner, where we watch a family show or play games all together.

We are going on 20 years. I guess we try not to take everything so personal and we put our kids first. We enjoy our lives through watching our kids thrive.

Guys forget these things - it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but they do. I just got off the phone with my husband and was telling him the dates he needs to keep open in June...he literally submitted his class schedule right before I called him and he booked both of the possible dates our son will promote out of the 5th grade. It's a big deal for him to be there.

He is going to have to cancel/change one of them once we find out the exact date/time. He knows that.

Sounds like you guys need to communicate better.