13 Month Old, over Tired, Nurses All Night, Marriage Falling Apart

Given the choice between trying Cry It Out and a failed marriage, I would think that it is in the best interests of the child and everyone else involved if you do let him cry.

How long have you tried these methods? It sounds like you are trying all of the right things, maybe you need to pick one and keep at it a little longer?? I'm so sorry you are going through this... Good luck and keep us posted!

This is a bit crazy and you'd need to research it but my friend's son benefitted hugely from melatonin. He was the same way prior.

OK -we all have ideas of how we're going to raise our children and what methods we're going to use with our babies. Then they're born! You have a baby who came here with a lot of his personality already plugged in by DNA. Just because you think co-sleeping is great doesn't mean he does. Some children do great with that method and so do their parents and some don't. One of the most important things to do as a parent is to be flexible, willing to change your approach and to MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY! What favors are you doing your son by breastfeeding or co-sleeping if his parents are miserable all the time? Picking up on your vibes may be a big part of his problem. I'm not trying to come down on you or make you the bad guy, but especially with your first it can be hard to step back and go in a different direction than what you chose and decided in the first place. This is why you hear almost every parent say about something, "I swore I would never______ when I had kids..." And then they did that exact thing because they discovered that it worked!

First of all -pump and get daddy to take some nights! You desperately need a good night's sleep! No child has died yet from drinking from a bottle OR being formula fed for that matter. He's had 13 months of breastmilk -give yourself a break! Daddy has the ability to feed him a bottle, walk with him, rock him, etc. just like you do.

Secondly -put that 13 month old in a crib in his own room! Get a baby monitor if you think you might not hear him. I know you said you've tried that -but for how long? This doesn't need to be trial and error -he needs to be moved to his own crib in his own room now forever. He desperately needs to learn to soothe himself sometimes. I'm not saying you have to use cry-it-out (although by 13 months if mine had been doing this I would have tried it), but one of the most important things our children need is the ability to soothe themselves. If he wakes up and can soothe himself and doesn't see you around -chances are he'll go back to sleep. If he's truly hungry or sick or dirty -he'll let you know. It may take several nights of listening to him fuss or cry for 5 minutes or so, but he'll get used to it. Remember -he's not a newborn at this point. Both of our boys have always woken us up around 4:30 or 5:00 am if we're away from home somewhere and they're sleeping in the room with us. IF either of them wakes up and sees us -it's over! If they wake up and don't see us -they go back to sleep and wake us up between 6:30 and 7:30 -big difference!

How much food is eating during the daytime and before bedtime? I would make sure he's FULL -especially before bedtime. Establish a firm ritual: a meal of real food, lavender scented bath, story in pjs and if you feel he needs it -nurse him. Do this consistently every single night.

Bottom line -if your life and your marriage are falling apart -you need to make some changes. Giving up co-sleeping, breastfeeding, being the sole night person, etc. can all go out the door. Listen to your doctors -give an option to something you wouldn't before. You may think you've chosen the best way to raise your baby, but what good is it doing any of you? You may find that you all thrive with some changes and a new direction.

Three words... Cry It Out.

He's 13 months old, so there is no reason for him to be up nursing all night. He's old enough to have his own space to sleep that is quiet and dark and he's old enough to know how to soothe himself.

Why would you continue to do something that isn't working? You say CIO is not an option, but if you want to save your marriage you need to try something different.

Don't knock it 'til you've tried it. Yes, it's a long 3 or 4 nights, but that's all it is. If you want to stay married- go out and buy a crib. Set it up in another room and show your husband that he's important too. Right now, you're telling him that your child takes priority over him and your marriage and you're not willing to flex on the issue.

He's high maintenance b/c you are allowing him to be. He cries- you are right there. He needs something- you are right there. This will cripple his independence as he gets older and will make friendships and other relationships (not to mention school) very difficult for him.

You might take this as rude, so I apologize, but the one piece of advice that you've been given, that is not a medication, that works for lots and lots of kids is to let him cry, and you've dismissed that out of hand. Now, you don't have to let him cry, you're his mother and it's your perogative. But if nothing else is working, then I think you're kind of left with two options: let him cry, see if it works, and hopefully get some more sleep or don't let him cry and adapt to being incredibly sleep deprived.

If you try letting him cry and it doesn't work, at least then you can go back to the doctors, say you've tried their advice, and can they please try something else?

Good luck.

I know there are very strong views with folks on what I'm about to say, so please please please don't bombard this post with anger....I only say what I'm going to say in case it is helpful! Everyone does what is right for them so Sandy T, you do what you feel is right for you!

I might consider weening your little one from breastfeeding, making sure solids are getting in him, and start using the crib...obviously don't do all of this at the same time because too much change too fast can be very difficult for babies. If his tummy is full, he probably won't wake up so frequently. Food stays in the stomach longer than breast milk, as does formula.

I definitely understand the bond you might miss by making these changes, but at this point you are so impacted that the bond you have is bound to be impacted by lack of sleep and marital stress! You can still have a close bond without co-sleeping or breastfeeding, and you can still co-sleep maybe during daytime naps? I'm just saying it sounds like something has to give and your sanity shouldn't be first in line to go!!!

Since I weened my little guy and have him in the crib (he's nearly 10 months) he sleeps from about 7:30pm-6:30am and rarely wakes up in the middle of the night. I didn't have him cry it out (I just couldn't and did what was right for me on this matter), so maybe I just got lucky he was able to self sooth without waking me up!

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck:)

If he is on solid food, he hopefully should not be waking up and needing to nurse because he is hungry. He is probably wanting to nurse more out of comfort than anything. Would a pacifier be okay or is it kind of late for that? Does has he have any kind of "lovey" - a special stuffed toy or blanket? Because he needs to start learning to soothe himself.

Why is just letting him cry not an option? Because it has not worked or you are not willing to give it a try? Because it sounds like you have tried many things but maybe nothing long enough to see if it would work. I know many people on here are not fans of crying-it-out but it might be worth trying.

What you have been doing may have been good at the beginning, but it obviously is not working now and things need to change. I know you love your son, but it can't be worth losing your marriage over. You need to get back to making your husband a priority as well as yourself and start establishing some boundaries with your son, even at this age. It will not do your son any good to have a burnt-out stressed-out sleep-deprived mother who is no longer married to his dad.

Have you tried "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child"? (I think that is what it is called, or similar - I did not have any sleep issues with my DD but I know many people have recommended it highly).

I know you don't like CIO, so my opinion probably isn't helpful.

It won't hurt him - and for my son it took 2 nights of crying (for about 30 minutes) and my daughter only took 1 night. They slept through the night from then on. It was extremely difficult to listen to.

Your marriage should mean enough to you to let your child cry for a night or two. A couple nights of crying is going to be much better for your child than if you and husband split up. You won't be a bad mom for letting him cry.

Parts of your experience are so familiar to me. My son was a horrible sleeper, and an all-night nurser. I could not face the idea of CIO, but knew that something had to change when it all started to affect my relationship with my baby. What I mean by that is that I was so tired, that I was very cranky during the day. Also, looking back, safety was an issue. I was so tired and overdone that I nearly dropped him once or twice--I was so clumsy, but never attributed it to being overtired. I did realize though that, what good was it doing to be so attentive to his needs at night, but then get annoyed or angry so quickly with him during the day--lack of sleep was making me a "bad mommy."

I read the no-cry books, and modified things to suit our situation so that I was comfortable. First, I decided to put him in a crib in our room. I brought in a rocking chair and fed him there during the night, so that I would be putting him back in the crib, not in our bed. This was much more difficult than just rolling over and feeding him, but the long-term gains were worth it. After being in the crib in our room for a few weeks, I moved him to a crib in his own room. I also decided how many times I was willing to feed him during the night (for myself, I just decided, arbitrarily, that I would only feed him every three hours). When he woke to nurse and it hadn't been three hours, I had my husband go to him, calm him, pick him up and walk him around if necessary. Gradually my husband didn't pick him up, just had to reach in and lull him back to sleep. Once my son realized he was getting daddy, not mommy's boob, he gradually stopped waking up. The whole experience was much easier than I thought, and didn't take long at all, a few nights maybe. What helped me was to #1 modify things to fit our family and my mommy guilt meter #2 we decided that we would not at any point let him cry for more than 10 minutes and #3 the thought that I would stop at any time if I became uncomfortable with the situation. Also, I realized that we were not letting him CIO--it's not like he was crying alone, wondering where we were. He had daddy to comfort him. With baby #2, I bought the Weisbluth book, and realized that sleep is a gift of sorts that you give to your child--they NEED a certain amount, and we should do all that we can to ensure that they get it. The best advice I got regarding sleep came from my sis, a mom of five. She said to just start somewhere, try something. Kids are flexible, so if something doesn't work, you can change it, modify it, or try something else. Good luck to you. Try something new for yourself, your marriage AND your son.

You've answered your own question if you don't let him cry it out your going to continue having these problems for years to come. There are going to be many times in your motherhood where your child is going to want something that's not good for him and he's going to cry and you can't give in to him. It's not cruel it's being a parent it's not easy but if you want a healthy happy baby and a healthy mom there will be tears involved to get there. I wish you a good nights sleep very soon.
From a mother who understands.

*Raises hand* Been there, done that.

My first suggestion - get yourself a good nights sleep (or more). Daddy is a parent, too, and he gets baby duty one night. This actually worked really well for us, because I found out that Daddy could handle some of the night wakings and I only nursed once, maybe twice. As Mom, you'll know when the crying means "I need to nurse" rather than just "I'm mad/annoyed/etc."

For us, this actually worked so well that I ended up sleeping in the guest room for almost a week. After that, I felt much better and baby didn't wake as many times during the night.

I will let you know that my son was 18 months old the first time he slept through the night. It didn't have anything to do with anything I did. I guess he just wasn't ready before then. Trust me, it's a date you'll remember forever, lol.

As for your husband - remind him that he's a parent, too, and he has some responsibilities. If not to the baby, then to be there for you while you're there for the baby. Presumably you both chose the kind of parenting you chose for a reason. No backing out now when it gets hard!!

Lastly, how is your son napping? One nap or two naps? I did find that nights were generally easier when he had a good nap (my son was down to 1 a day by 13 mos). And I went through a period where I would drive for 2 hours straight if I had to to get him to nap.

Good luck!!

Reading your post really took me back, you just described my daughter when she was that age. I have been there! I know exactly what you are going through. I was a co-sleeping, exclusively breast feeding, attachment parenting mom. Its hard, and its a real commitment. All I can say is hang in there...it gets better I swear. I tried everything too, and nothing worked. But something changed when my daughter hit 18 months old. Boom, she started sleeping through the night and has been an excellent sleeper ever since. Since 18 months of age, she had slept every night, all night in her own bed. Just hang in there and don't give up. Some kids take longer to "mature" into good sleepers. But you and hubby need to stick by each other. Fighting and thinking about seperating is the worst thing you can do for your son. He needs both his parents. If you seperate, you will change who he is and would have been (for the worst). You need to sit and talk with your husband and tell him you need to be a team to get through this. It WILL get better, and you will be glad you stuck it out together. I don't regret for a minute how I chose to raise my daughter, but like I said, its a huge commitment and you have to sacrifice. Now she is a great sleeper, and she is a well behaved confident little girl, and I am sure a lot of that has to do with how I chose to raise her in those early months and first 2 years. Your son will be too, just stick it out a little longer and don't give up hope. Sleep will come, I promise. Good luck!

I am a breast feeding advocate. I nursed all my kids on demand - no bottles. None of them slept more than 4/5 hours until I weaned them. :( I weaned at 15 months (I was 5 months pregnant), 17 months (again I was pregnant), and 16 months.

I did not let them CIO, I rocked, walked, and snuggled through it. But, once we got past the 2 weeks of weaning (or maybe 3 weeks with my third - it took her longer) then they all slept through the night.

I wanted to nurse my 3rd to age 2 because I wasn't pregnant, but I was just.SO.TIRED I had to stop. I was happy once I did, although still sometimes wish I was nursing, she just turned two.

I know you are doing the best you can do for your baby but if your marriage is at risk that is not good for anyone.

Good luck!
J.

Children need to learn good boundaries from their parents, from a young age. Just because your child is sleeping in a crib, doesn't mean that you are not still able to bond with them, just bond in other ways. It sounds like you are following the Attachment Parenting method of raising your son, and thats perfectly fine. One of the things though is that you and your husband need to still connect with each other, it sounds like your child is splitting you 2 apart. Moving him out of your bed, and into his own bed is important to renew that bond between you and your husband. I have a friend who is a AP parent, who hired a girl to come in and watch the 2 boys while she goes out once a week. She has 2 girls now that alternate every saturday night so that her marriage remains intact!

Please do this for your marriage, you know, crying it out method doesn't mean that you don't respond to your child at all, it's a method in which you respond without holding your child during bedtime. Watch Supernanny's method on Youtube. Its changed my life.

good luck!

We were having this same problem with my now 16 month old! I was exhausted and I also am not a fan of CIO, but we needed to do something!! So I put a mattress on the floor right next to her crib. I nurse her and then lay on the mattress on the floor next to her crib until she falls asleep. Then when ever she woke up I would go in and sleep for the rest of the night on the mattress next to her. She would cry and want to hold my hand. I would rub her back or her face until she fell back to sleep. I didn't pick her up because I knew that she would want to nurse, but I was there to comfort her. She would scoot herself all the way over to the side and stick her arm through the rails to hold hands until she fell asleep. :) I felt better about it because I was still there to comfort her but she was learning to fall asleep on her own. I only had to sleep in there for about a week, and now occasionally I'll have to go in, like when she's sick or teething but it's working well, and I am more rested. Good luck and I hope you get some sleep soon!

when he wakes up, what do you do? do you rush right in? When he turns two and screams and cries for a lollipop are you going to rush right in and give it to him? Probably not, same thing with crying. He knows how to get want he wants. by crying. Every 13 month old knows how to do this. See how long you can go with letting him cry for a little bit. Then go in and say night night, rub his back and leave. Let him cry. Nothing wrong with it. We can't always give in to our children wants. If he is ok, nothing wrong with him, why not let him cry himself back to sleep in his crib?? You are tired. He is tired. Are you also feeding him solids during the day? My daughter wakes up when she hasn't had enough to eat during the day. Also is he teething? at 13 months my daughter was crying and waking for a couple of night so I gave her ibuprofen for her gums and some benedryl for her runny nose and she slept so much better. Teething is horrible and at 13 months those back teeth may be coming in. Last night I gave her just ibuprofen and she slept the whole night. It was definitely her teeth bothering her all week. Try ibuprofen or tylenol before bed and see if that helps. I do still get up on occasion and feed her in the middle of the night, but it was because she was sick and I needed to comfort her, but I didn't rush right in, I waited to see if she would fall asleep again. And often she would just fall back to sleep. My son and daughter slept so much better when I moved them to their own crib. My son was like yours until I moved him to the crib at 10 and half months and I was done breastfeeding. It was like night and day. It took a couple of night and one night of me just ignoring him, but by the third night, he woke up, cried for 30 seconds and went right back to sleep and slept 11-12 hour nights for the next year. It just takes consistency and will power. My daughter has been in a crib since she was 4 months and I still breastfeed maybe twice a day. best of luck.

I do not want to sound preachy but hear are my thoughts. Please first get a sound machine and a video monitor for his room! Put him in his crib to sleep. Even if you go to him, do not take him out...rub his back, if you just can't stay away... but do not take him out. I slept on the couch for a couple of nights or so and my husband listened for the baby but did not go into the room...he is stronger willed and could let the baby cry. After a couple of nights it was so much easier because the baby knew (especially an older baby that is 13 months) he/she would not be taken out of the crib. Please, do not dismiss rituals and routines so quickly...you must be consistent. My husband and would leave places early when our kids were younger to stick with bedtime. It is like a diet...you want to give up because results take a while to see but we all know any well designed diet WILL work. Please, create a plan with your husband, work together and be on the same team. Example, eat dinner then play, bath, drink or bottle with maybe a lite snack then diaper change and next cuddle with a book say I love you and good night. While one is with the baby, the other is cleaning up dinner and toys. Once the baby is in bed it is time for you two...watch TV together or go to bed early whatever but everyone not just the baby needs to feel like he/she is loved. You should try to start the bedtime routine early! I know we all have busy lives but you should really be looking at a 7PM-8PM bedtime for a 13 month old especially this time of the year when it gets dark so early. It sounds early but if you wait until the baby is over tired he will resist even more.

I haven't read the other answers but we have gone through this kind of thing in my house with my older daughter and now my youngest who is now almost 12mos. I was very willing to let my children sleep with me if they slept but I found that it was tearing me up too much to not sleep and I knew that it could not be good for her to be getting up every two hours, either. Having two different daughters I have done things differently each time but here are some things I have found...I do not have the heart to cio but I am making a choice in her care...for instance, in the car she can cry about the car seat but she will not get out. Sometimes, after we have stopped and made sure all of her other needs are met, we have to drive to where we are going and she just has to cry if she has to cry...taking her out of the seat is not an option because it is not safe. It becomes similar with sleeping. With both daughters I have found that they almost always end up crying less than I fear that they will and for fewer nights than I thought they would. For instance with my first we had to move her to her crib but we went in like every 2 min or so for a while then slowly had it go longer. For my current daughter, she is in our room. Last time we worked on it my husband slept in the living room for a week. I held my daughter without feeding her while she cried. If she squirmed too much then I set her next to me on the bed until she settled down and then I would hold her til she slept. By simply not feeding her she eventually stopped waking within a week she slept through the night 2 times (not consecutive mind you but it was a miracle none-the-less). The other thing I learned is that I have to be ready to commit and be ready for the long haul if necessary. You mentioned that if you don't feed then he could be up for 3 hours...my thought was that is what it could take but it won't be forever....make sure he is not stimulated - keep him in a dark room and talk to him as little as possible and 3 hour wake ups shouldn't be every night. If I don't stick with my plan...as hard as it is for at least a week then it does no no no good. We could have a miserable night of holding and rocking and not feeding and the next night if I feed her then the first night was for naught!!! I have to be prepped to go the distance. I feel like with my second daughter I am much happier holding her and being with her as she cries...and I can now see that this is just one of the first ways I am showing her what is healthy for her as I am still with her and loving her even as she is learning this really hard thing. I know it might not work for your guy but I plead with you to find a way to make it work. If you are anything like me you are not as good of a mother when you don't have sleep and your baby needs a daddy who is happier, too. It is a miracle miracle when your little one first starts to sleep through the night...I pray that the transition for your little one to sleep does not take long or too much pain for either of you. It sound like you have tried so many things but sometimes letting your babies cry a little bit is good for both of you. Believe me you will find that crying tantrums are hard, too but giving in is bad for both of you, then too. Love your little guy and do what you need to do to have a happy, healthy functioning home. PS Let me know if you want any help...I found reporting what I was trying and success/failure was/is very helpful and any questions on this rambling post would be fine, too :)

For us I found we had to let her cry...that being said I too did not like just cry it out. So, with my first we would let her cry 2 min - we had to look at a clock because 2 min is a very long time! Then we would try a little more like 3 min! Then up it as we could. Each time we went in we would calm her down as much as possible then lay her back down before she was asleep

I've been thinking about how to respond to your question because it sounded so familiar to me in many ways, but I know the answer I have is not the one you want to hear. My first son was born when we were living in Eugene, OR--the attachment parenting capital of the world in my experience. Our son was a terrible, terrible sleeper and we tried everything you've tried, all the books, etc. We had moved him to a crib because we did find he did not sleep well with us and had gotten the bedtime routine down, but he was still up all the time and for hours at a time. One night I heard him crying (our house was tiny) and I just couldn't do it, I just was too exhausted to get out of bed and I'm assuming he cried himself to sleep because when I woke up in the morning (with giant breasts) it was quiet and 7:00 am. That was the first night he slept through the night and it felt like a miracle. So, we decided that we would try it for a second night--he cried for about 40 minutes and it was excruciating and I cried too. And then he slept all night again. He was always a great kid, but he became an amazingly easy kid--he was as sleep deprived as we were and his naps immediately went from about 25 minutes to 1 1/2 hours. I realized he was as sleep deprived as we both were and I now feel like what we did was good parenting--he needed to sleep. Since then it's been smooth sailing in our house. My husband and I curl up on the couch together at 8:00 when he goes to bed and watch movies and talk and share a beer. It's heaven after the sleep struggle.

Of course, even people who are attachment parents don't talk about letting their kids CIO. I was at my baby shower and another mom was in your boat with her 18 month old daughter. She was asking everyone how to get the baby to sleep if you don't believe in CIO--one of the moms finally said, "well, I don't believe in CIO...but when you're ready for the whole story let me know." I other words, I am still against it in theory, but I was at my breaking point and something had to give and I'm so glad I did what I did. I felt guilty for a period, but I now have this amazing 3 year old who is still a great sleeper and who is just a wonderful, vivacious, incredible person and I don't feel guilty at all. In fact, I wish I had done it earlier. I had a second baby a month ago and it is already clear he is a much, much better sleeper than his brother (he naps during the day and only wants to eat every 3-4 hours at night! and then usually goes back to sleep immediately). It's funny how refreshed I feel despite having a newborn. I know some people would complain about being up 3x a night and up at 5:30, but compared to our first this is SO easy. I realize I didn't "do" anything to make the first not sleep, it's just the luck of the draw. Good luck with whatever you do--I found sleep deprivation made me feel so overwhelmed so it was hard to do much of anything. Regardless of what you decide it will get better--I guess the question is do you want to be done with this all this week or in 6 months or a year?

Hello,
You don't give any info on how much he's napping during the day and how much, if any, baby food he is eating during the day. That's an important part of the equation. You say you've "tried" schedules to no avail, but I think you need to start a firm schedule and stick with it. All babies and young children need a sleep schedule: waking up at a certain time, napping at specific times, down for the night at the same time each day. But you must stick with it and get their body rhythms gelled with it. And how much food is he eating during the day? Is he eating enough solids?

I was also a co-sleeping, breast-feeding mama. Been there done that on the nursing all night long; our daughter wouldn't take a bottle during the day when I was working so guess who power-nursed all night long to make up for that? LOL. So I do feel your pain. However, that was when she was an infant and was not on solids. Between 12 months and 18 months (gosh, I can't remember the exact age now) I put a sippy cup on my nightstand and when our daughter woke up, I told her that she was a big girl now and mommy wasn't making milk at night and I handed her the sippy cup of water. She woke up a few times after that, then stopped altogether and began sleeping through the night. We continued co-sleeping and all was well.

To me, it sounds like you may need to beef up on the food intake during the day and you most definitely need to get his sleep schedule on track.

Hang in there, okay?

hang in there. i have been sleeping in my daughter's room for a year now (in a separate bed, we have two beds in her room) so that she wouldn't get out of bed in the middle of the night and wake up both of us, which means I haven't slept with my husband in the same bed at night all this time. if you guys love each other, your marriage will survive. stay positive, your child should be priority right now, yes your husband is important but he needs to understand. you two should talk about it. tell him how you feel, and explain and you love him, how important he is, but also how tired you are and how you feel torn apart. nobody ever said having kids is easy, it always takes a toll on the time you have for each other,my husband and i always joke about those days when we had all the time in the world to hang on the couch, watch movies, and snuggle, haven't done that in years. but my husband also says it's ok, our daughter is the most precious thing, and trust me, the time when you two can spend more time together will come again, if you can just make it through. so have faith, stay positive, don't think about separation or anything like that but rather than you can do it and that the child is a priority now, but noone should get offended about that, that's just reality, and all will be ok. Good luck!

I am so sorry to hear you are going through such hard time. I have been there too. My daughter was a little younger but she went though the same thing. She would go to be at a normal time but be awake two or three hours later. I would nurse her and she would go back asleep but be up again in two hours. And it wasnt getting better but worse the older she got the more often she woke up. It was driving my crazy. And then I read Solve Your Child's Sleep Problem. It is the idea of putting them to bed, letting them cry but checking on them to show them that you care. I hated doing it but after three nights she slept all through the night.

Hi S.,
Well, you can see this is always a heated topic! I am right there with you, but on my 2nd son. With my first, at 8 months, I could not function anymore. He was getting up every 1 or 2 hours, and it was literally causing me to not function anymore. I was crabby, angry, frustrated, etc. I made the choice to let him cry, because I had tried EVERYTHING else. I just ran out of options and I needed sleep! Now I am on my 2nd, and we're co-sleeping again, but having the same issues as my first. I start him out in his crib, then once I go to bed, I bring him in bed. I feel it's a good middle-ground and is getting him used to his crib too. Last night he slept for 5 hours, then came to bed with us. There is no magic answer, you just have to figure out what you are comfortable with. I do agree that Dad needs to be helping out. My husband and I switched getting up with the baby. He took the weekends, I took the weekdays. Also, there is a book called the Sleepeasy Solution. It does talk about CIO, however, there is a GREAT program for weaning your baby off of night nursings, gradually by decreasing the length of time they nurse, or the no. of ounces you give them each night. It also suggests waking the baby up to sleep feed an hour before they would normally get up, so they get out of the habit of waking up for food. It's worth checking out from your library. I'm assuming you've already read The No-Cry Sleep Solution?
Good luck, my friend. If your marriage is struggling, you might need to ask for some help from family. Can someone keep your baby overnight once a week so you can get some rest and reconnect with your hubby?

Please let us know how it goes...
T.

OK, so I haven't read all the responses yet, either, but here is my experience: my son didn't sleep, either. I was teaching at the time, getting up with him at 4:00 every morning, finally getting him back to sleep after an hour, at which point I couldn't fall back to sleep. So I was driving to work every day on 5 hours of sleep a night, was failing at my job and couldn't keep it together after work. So I definitely know where you're coming from. When my son was about a year and 8 months, we finally decided to do the cry it out. The first night, he cried for about 3 hours, and the second night almost as long. But after that -- miracle! -- he slept. We still had problems every so often, but it really worked. Although you think CIO hurts the baby, in the long run, sleep deprivation for you and him hurts you both more.

One more note: my niece never slept through the night, either, and finally when she was 3 the doctor discovered that she has celiac disease. Once her parents knew her diagnosis and could treat her appropriately, she sleeps. Probably your son does not have a medical condition, but it's something to consider.

Good luck!
B.

Your son is a baby... they do that.
How old is your son?

Nobody said, a baby was easy. IF your Husband cannot handle that... then he better mature. And quick.

I would... make SURE you are producing enough milk. If not, your baby is basically HUNGRY all the time.... and will not sleep well nor feel well.
ALSO if he does not latch on properly.... he will also not be getting adequate intake. Thus, hunger. And fussiness like that.
SEVERAL of my friends, had babies like yours. What the problem was... was that they were NOT producing enough milk... AND their baby was not latching on properly... thus, the baby was just always, hungry and a baby.... the only way they "communicate"... is crying.

ALSO, a baby will need more feedings/intake amounts when having a growth-spurt.
AND they also do what is called "cluster feeding" which means a baby WILL need to nurse even every single hour. A baby, cannot be fed, according to a 'schedule.'

Are you feeding ON-demand? This is needed.

Your son is going to be your son -- sleepy, tired, non-sleeping or not. Concentrate on your marriage....hire a sitter, go out on dates where you can talk and connect or have fun, and seek counseling if your marriage is important to you so that you can learn to funnel your/his frustrations and be there to support each other. I know it is hard. Best wishes!

My 1st child was still waking up twice per night to nurse when she was 11 months old. I mentioned it to my step aunt (mother of 12) and she said, "You're not feeding her enough during the day. Period. A hungry baby won't sleep, and a full baby won't wake up. All mine slept through the night on their own by 3 months or I never would have survived." Sure enough, even though I thought my baby was eating enough, I fed her even more all day, and 3 days later, she never woke up at night again.
It will take a few days of feeding your baby more all day long (not only just before bed) for him to register the extra calories and stay asleep longer, so don't give up after the first couple of nights. Always stuff him all day long. After he's full and sleeping better, you can worry about the separating, which won't be as hard. My second 2 slept like stones all night starting between 3 and 6 months.
I would put your husband first al little more at this point. Your son needs a happy father, you don't want to build resentment. You've had a year to put the baby first and share the bed. Strike a balance and let him be a little more independent so your husband doesn't feel totally devoured by baby stuff. My husband would hate that too. I've always felt it was good for my kids not to make them too dependent on me for comfort and sleeping, even though I wanted to cuddle them constantly. Men really need to feel like parenthood hasn't obliterated their manhood. Good work noticing this, and you can move a little more to the center and your son will still love you! Actually, I used CIO and left my kids in their own cribs in their own rooms as soon as they could sleep through the night, and they love me to death. They get you all day, they don't need you all night.

I'm glad things seem to be getting better. Consistency, whatever method you choose, is best. I don't completely do the CIO method. I let them cry for no more than 5-10 minutes. We didn't give a bottle but calmed him down by rocking for a few minutes then putting him back down. Usually that works even if we have to do it a couple of times. Also, I never let my babies sleep in the bed due to fears of your sleep problems and SIDS. Many times I wanted to have them sleep with me but I knew that for their and my own good it was better if they slept in their own crib and bed.

S.,
If you really want to keep your marriage then you and your husband need to let your son cry it out for a couple of nights. I am saying this because I know first hand what it can do to your marriage and I too felt the same as you did about letting the baby cry it out but you know what it isn't cruel, your son needs to learn this is not acceptable just like him touching fire, the stove, breakable thing, etc. What we did was let our son cry for 15 minutes then went into comfort him if it didn't work, then a few nights later we went up to 20 minutes and then 30 minutes. Trust me it is so hard, I used to go outside with ear plugs and cry on the porch until our son got on track. I have to say my pediatrician was right it was well worth the struggle, it saved my marriage and my son was much better when he started sleeping through the night in his own crib which was next door to us with the nursery monitor on very low. By the way my son is going to be 12 years old tomorrow and is such a great kid.

You don't say why cry it out is not an option , is it just because you don't like to hear him cry? I don't think you are in a posistion to disregard it if you have not tried , especially given the circumstances. At the moment your son knows that if he cries/causes a fuss you will go to him , he needs to learn that you won't go for every little whimper. I'm not suggesting you leave him to cry for hours and get himself into a complete state , that is not how the CIO works , you let them cry , go and soothe them but not pick them up and then walk away , and you repeat this and the first few times you will repeat it alot , but the amount of times that you have to go to him will get less and less.

If things at home are that and you are as sleep deprived as you sound then I would give it a shot , if it doesn't work then it doesn't work but you may be surprised. Also don't try for a day or 2 and then give up , expect for it to take about a week.

I think you just have to bite the bullet, stick him in a crib, and let him CIO. What are your other options?? At this age, he knows better...he knows he wants you all night long now. There is no reasoning with an infant. If you want to start getting some sleep (and sleeping in your own bed, sans baby) then you'll just have to suck up a week or 2 of crying at night. CIO is not neglectful.....it's teaching your child that this is bedtime, and this is where you sleep. If he's fed, changed, and tired, he won't cry for long. We did CIO and we are not cruel parents, trust me.

Good luck. I don't understand how parents want to co-sleep for the entire first year of their child's life, then get so dumbfounded when they won't sleep without Mommy or without nursing all night. That's what they're used to. What do you expect?

Lynsey

If when he cries you ultimately nurse him, then you are training him to cry until he is nursed. My cousin would scream for 45 minutes for pizza at age 4 because he had been trained by his mother that if he screamed long enough, he would get what he wanted. You can do it. Put him to bed in his crib, in another room, and when he wakes up, pat his back (do not pick him up or give him anything), go out. Do this repeatedly every 20 minutes until he falls asleep. That's all I think that will work. Your son will grow up and move out - but you will still be married to the same man - your marriage does need to be the priority - that is very hard for us women. But it is the best gift you can give your son - a mom and a dad together.

Hi there tired mom!
Don't be too hard on yourself. The reason that there are so many methods, books, videos, websites, and yes, sleep professionals, is that this is HARD and very, very important for you, your family and your baby. After getting loving advice from my friends and family, I turned to a sleep professional. She was amazing and a powerful tool to wrestle my 6 month old into healthy sleeping habits (and not just CIO). Even more important was that she was impartial, unemotional, neutral, and a teacher for my husband and I to learn from. I highly recommend making the investment. I suggest: babies2sleep.com. Good luck!

Hey S.,
So I'm stuck where you are (though my baby is 11 months).

I didn't co-sleep with my first but would run to her every time she cried to rock and feed her. She didn't sleep through the night until she was 14 months! Then I slept with her in her toddler bed (cramped) to get her to sleep and I will tell you it ruined my marriage. Lots of problems and counseling we're better.

We're giving the baby until 1 year and then it's going to be crying it out time. Not long. We start very small, 5 minutes, eventually going to 10 minutes, etc. before we go in and rock and put them back to bed. I cry when she cries and my hubby can only take so long before he's over the edge annoyed so it takes us a while too.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. My oldest is now a GREAT sleeper, doesn't want to sleep in our bed, the house could be blowing over and she doesn't wake up. :-)

Hang in there. Just think, you won't send him to college still sleeping in your bed. :-)

~Kristal

I didn't read the responses, but its seems to me that he's more than ready to stop nursing at night, I give my daughter a bottle of milk before night time this is around 8;30 and 9 pm and she wake up at 6;30 am for another bottle, Im a co-sleep too . but this is another diferent history that I will post later. my 15 month old just to use me as her pacifier all nigt long I mean she just to wake up every 30 min. one night I just give her the bottle and that was it!!! heaven!!! 9 long hours for me to sleep....at this age I think nursing is just an habit but not a source of food, if hes nursing that much its mean that he's hungry and its not getting enough from you. try milk and you will see the diference.

I read all the responses so far and then reread your post. The first thing is you need sleep! Get someone-- friend, relative or paid babysitter-- to watch the baby for a few hours at least during the day and catch up on your sleep (it may take a several days). I have struggled with insomnia for years and I can not be a good parent or functioning person when constantly sleep deprived and I doubt you can either. When you are rested enough, make a plan that you can stick with for at least a week (but better 2 weeks). Make sure to plan some breaks for you the first few days at least. Also, I know when I am very tired I am very irritable and have much less tolerance for crying. I bet you will also be able to cope much better when rested too.

Before I had children I liked the idea of attachment parenting...but the reality did not work for me. I am an insomniac and a restless sleeper and one of my children has sleep apnea. The babies slept in a crib next to my bed (until past age 2) because that worked for us. You need to figure out what to adjust so things can work better for your family. If I were in your situation I would move the baby to a crib (either your room or a separate one) and work on night weaning. If you don't want to fully stop breastfeeding then do it in the daytime, bedtime, etc.

I know you say you don't believe in CIO. No one wants to hear their baby cry, especially if you could easily make it stop. But in less than a year you will have a 2 year old. He will cry and have tantrums to get his way and you will have to find a way to stay strong in the face of plenty of crying and screaming. You might want to work up your tolerance for crying up to at least 2-3 minutes, maybe 5. Letting a child cry for 2 minutes is not the same as letting him cry for 2 hours! And you never know how it will go; when I sleep trained my older one he fussed for less than a minute and settled down on his own.

could you hire some help at night - even if it is just for a week? to let you and your husband get some sleep? it is so hard when you are so tired...

Not to sound harsh, but you say CIO is cruel and neglectful? What is cruel and neglectful is that your son is 13 mos. old and is overtired and can't sleep all night... and not only that but it is affecting your marriage which is making things worse. There is absolutely no reason why a child that age can not and should not fall asleep on his own and sleep 10-12 hours at night by himself. He does not need to nurse... that is out of habit. I have to admit, my kids were always good sleepers, but I also worked hard and stayed consistant to help them learn to get the rest they need. There were a few times where we did use the CIO method... we would go in the room after a few minutes of crying, we would keep it dark, an not say a word, just go pat their back and lay them back down so they knew we were there, and just stay a minute. Next times we would wait a little longer, then go in to do the same thing. It WILL BE HARD.... but the key to it working is NOT giving in. It will only take a few nights. And, that being said, It is not cruel and neglectful to let a baby cry once in a while... that's what they do... some times they cry just to get there energy out and calm themselves. I let my kids cry as babies on occasion... and did use CIO on a few occasions.... and at 2 and 1/2 and 5 my kids are happy, intelligents, loving, well ajusted, social kids, AND, they fall asleep on there own every single night, with only very few excetpions! We have a fun and simple bedtime routine, and they sleep all night with no issues... they have never come into are beds at night, but we snuggle each and every day- that doesn't have to happen all night. So, don't worry, your child will not hate you for letting them cry.... and letting him learn to fall asleep, and stay asleep on his own will be one of the best things you can do for him, yourself and your marriage. GOOD LUCK! Be Strong!

Glad to hear are going better--have you try the No cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley book? I used Baby Whisperer but the No Cry book is probably more up your alley. Most important is to not try so many different things! He needs consistency--keep trying one method for a week or more before giving up. When you tell him, "I'm not going to feed you in the night anymore" he probably does understand! Stick to it or he will know you didn't mean it and then you will have a bigger problem. Good luck! I understand not wanting to let him CIO but there are methods where your son will cry and you can be there to comfort him.

It's funny you would make this topic b/c I'm in the same position as far as co-sleeping. My daughter is 12 months. However, because I fall asleep sometimes due to being exhausted, I made a conscience decision to get her in her crib as soon as she turned one. I started on Sunday and as of today, Friday it's gotten easier... and same with whole milk. She likes it now. But back on topic...I don't believe in CIO either. Not because it's cruel so much, but because it's traumatic for the baby and I don't want her to learn how to cope through tears. I don't want her falling asleep upset, miserable and having to dream about it or wake up moody or something. I'd let her hold onto my arms until she tires and it has been working. Now, she gets in the crib, after story time and wallows with her lovey and bottle until she dozes off. Time to time she sits up to see if I'm still there and I say it's okay, go to sleep and the light is on a dimmer so it's not completely dark. she falls asleep. She used to toss quite a bit but I think she was just adjusting to the mattress. I have a monitor so I feel 100% comfortable being downstairs while she's sleeping. But I agree with the parents who say choose ONE method and stick with it, babies like routine and come to know what to expect. Now, I must work on not picking her up when she wakes after about 4-5 hours of sleep. We are dealing with their separation anxiety and it will pass over time I believe with a consistent bedtime routine.

To save your marriage, you need to get the baby out of the bed. This may include some crying, it may not, but it will NEED to include some consistency. It sounds like you have tried a lot, but for how long?

If he is in bed with you, whenever he slightly wakes up, he can eat, so why not? If food isn't immediately there, he might put himself back to sleep. I would start with the crib - whether in the crib or not. After about 3-5 days, try dropping a meal, then repeat. You can then try the crib in the other room. Try the slow and steady approach. To help with the meal dropping, make sure that he is eating enough through the day....you can try feeding every 3-3.5 hours while trying this. Schedules do help, but again, you need to go slow, steady, and consistent.