13 Going on 18 She Thinks

Tell her you would not be mad at her at any age if she was married for a year before having a baby. It will put her off and get her thinking. Why would you be mad if she and her husband want a baby and are independant from mom, unless she expects you to raise and support the baby?

Don't panic! I know as a mom that may sound hard to hear but she may just be trying to work out some feelings of her own. Ask her what her friends are thinking, how does she feel about teenagers who have babies. There may be someone in her circle that is, or thinking about getting pregnant. She is entering into a new phase in her life with new feelings and this is probably strange and scary for her. My daughter is now 18 and I can tell you just listening and not judging was the best thing I could have done. I told her how I felt when I was her age, what what my thoughts were, and spoke to her like a young adult and not a kid. She was able to make some sound decisions for herself and just knowing that she could come talk to me and I wouldn't freak out helped her tremendously. Hope this helps!

Many of these responses are great! Asking her at what age she thinks having a baby is a good start to a conversation...ask her why she thinks that age is good and what about marriage. You need to find out if she's feeling lonely and thinks a baby would help that so it that is indeed the case, you can get her some counseling to see what she needs emotionally to get her through very emotional teenage times.

Get her a babysitting job with someone who has lots of kids that are unruly, babies to toddler. It will cure her in a flash!

ahhh I would have a heart attack if my 13 yr old was talking babies already. You need to get her one of those dolls that is really like a baby and see how much she likes tending to it. You need to sit her down and explain the costs, compromises, and dangers of someone her age having a baby. Babies are cute...sure...but they cry, cost a fortune, she won't be able to go hang out with her friends on a whim, she wouldn't be able to afford a baby being she is only 13 and you'd be the one taking care of him/her. She needs to go to meet some teen parents and be educated in how difficult it is and how they all probably wish they waited.

I'm not really sure what all you can do...have a counselor talk to her, teen parents, something. But it sounds like she thinks babies are fun and easy. Maybe try talking to her about why she wants a baby so badly...doesn't she want to experience life a little?

I wonder if one of those school programs with the infant dolls would help anything? If you could babysit someone's infant for a weekend and let her do a lot of the work... maybe that would help. Also learning about sexually transmitted diseases is sometimes enough to scare younger girls away from sex..... ha ha. Not to traumatize her, but just to let her know what's out there and that she needs to protect herself. It would be sad to see her make unwise choices in a partner just to have a baby. I think if it were me in that position that I would be very open to her opinions so she isn't afraid to open up to you, and give her clear concise advice, but help her to understand you love her and are there for her no matter what. The more you try to give her your opinion, the more she will cling to her own, so maybe listening and suggesting, and focusing more on the positive things she is doing would encourage her away from it? Another thought I just had, maybe she is feeling the need to care for and be responsible for someone or something. If she could choose a pet, or even volunteer to babysit for neighbors, etc? Just some ideas. Wow, that is a scary situation! Good luck to you.

I agree with Becky too! Not only should you map out the costs, but definitely 13 is old enough to babysit! A few hours a week with a toddler with a runny nose will probably make her want to wait for a while, lol.

I think some girls just are more interested in being mommies or in babies than others. But volunteering at your church nursery on Sundays so moms can attend service or helping out at a community center or just babysitting is the best preventive I can think of.

Explain that long before she should ever consider HAVING a baby, she needs to be emotionally and financially ready for one- and have a partner who is the same! There are plenty of sad examples out there of teenage girls with babies who love their babies, yes, but their lives will never have the opportunities they would have had if they had not gotten pregnant.

Finally- I don't mean to alarm you AT ALL- do you have any reason to think this isn't just an academic question? Not that she is pregnant, but that she might be starting to engage in sexual activity? 13 is young, but it has happened to other girls. If you haven't had a serious talk with her about the consequences of sex, I would do it. Also- please, if you do think she may actually be engaging in sexual activity, make sure she is educated in preventing conception. Just telling her " Don't sleep with a boy!" might not be enough. Hopefully she will have the willpower not to, but if she doesn't make sure she knows how NOT to become pregnant!

Hopefully she is just thinking romantically about babies and NOT how they actually get here! Good Luck!

I agree with the other responders, lecturing her is not listening to her and if you freak out and for instance threaten her ("if you have a baby you;ll be sorry !" she will just shut up but still think the same...
Talk to her, when does she think she would be ready ? What does she think she needs to take care of a baby ? Money ? Time ? Does she has babies around ? Cousins ? Does she babysit ?
That's great she wants babies and I bet seeing other teenage moms with babies just comforts her into thinking it's great... Don't get we wrong but unless you become a mom it's hard to get what it is to take care of a baby.... we usually only see the nice picture with other babies... just the smiles and giving bottles... but not the sleepless nights for instance and anyway you think "my baby will be great and sleep well" for instance ;-) lol !

I do think you need to acknowledge she likes/want babies, so that she feels she's listened to and understood... Tell her you do agree babies are great and that deciding to have a baby is really a decision that changes life. Experiencing what it is to take care of a baby (if she's into taking care of an infant) would be a good idea... just to get the taste of it. She could be a mother helper with a friend of yours for instance (take a very sleep deprived mom who badly needs 2h of sleep !) but anyway don't expect her to be disgusted ;-) just get that it's not just ooohs and ahhhhs and cooing.

The book Peg mentioned How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk is a great one, I think there's the same for teenage years (http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/00607..., please read it and you'll understand how to talk to your daughter without shutting her off especially about this very important subject.
At her age she does not want you to regimen her life and when you write "education/marriage/baby" it does sound like you have all her life set up... give her some freedom to decide with the right tools (birth control, understanding what's life alone with a child... never lecture her please,listen to her...) what she wants her life to be herself.

Hope your daughter will get life before babies is also great and that she can babysitfirst ;-)

well i definately agree with having her babysit a infant...also for safety this isnt giveing her the ok to have sex but if she at least she is protected from having a baby..birth control,,not the pills or the patch where she can easily miss a dose on purpose but put her on the depo shot. I know it sounds like you are giving her the ok but you dont know if she is having sex or if she is planning on having sex but when she does at least she is protected from getting pregnant.

Updated

well i definately agree with having her babysit a infant...also for safety this isnt giveing her the ok to have sex but if she at least she is protected from having a baby..birth control,,not the pills or the patch where she can easily miss a dose on purpose but put her on the depo shot. I know it sounds like you are giving her the ok but you dont know if she is having sex or if she is planning on having sex but when she does at least she is protected from getting pregnant.

Two possibilities come to mind. One, she is trying to get you riled up and hit on the perfect button. (this button would get any mother up in arms). Or two, she may be depressed and looking for what she believes is unconditional love. A reality check of what it takes to take care of a baby is good, but it won't help in the long run if you don't find the underlying cause. My husband has a cousin who made similar noises and she graduated with a baby in her arms and another not far behind.

First of all you need to think about the fact the teenagers brains are just not wired the way an adults brain is. I would start by asking questions. "What age do YOU think you would be ready to have a baby?" "What caused you to ask this question, is someone you know pregnant?". Give her a chance to explain herself and then just get into a really honest, CALM discussion about it. Maybe she saw a movie where a young teenager got pregnant, and was thrown out of the house by her parents, or maybe it was a topic of discussion around the lunch table at school.
Don't expect her to be thinking as logically as an adult would be thinking, and I would just view this as a great opportunity to have a really indepth discussion with her and strengthen your relationship!

Get her around some crying babies, naughty little 2 year olds, and misbehaving toddlers Fast!...she needs some reality. It is easy to picture a pretty picture when she is making it up in her head. The truth is motherhood is difficult for adults and for a young person, nearly impossible! Unfortunatley she needs to see this, if she won't listen to you!
Goodluck, I can tell you are concerned!

I would let her know that there is no magic number age that makes someone ready for a baby. Let her know that she would need to have graduated high school, have a job, and be living on her own with the baby's father. Then leave it at that until she is ready to discuss it further. Do let her know, though, that if she's wondering about you being "mad", how about letting her know that you'd be mad to know that she is having sex at age 13!

My brother in law often said ( in front of his kids) " I think my kids are smart enough to not get pregnant as teenagers." Sometimes a Dad or an Uncle can make a statement that makes a definite impact. His kids were in their 20's and married when they had their 1st babies.

Oddly, enough our son as a child and as an early teen wanted a baby. He'd say "I'd be a better parent than a lot of other people."

I'd say, keep in mind a baby doesn't belong to one person. Legally, you may be forced to send the baby to the other parents house (even if that family is somewhat unfit.)

You'll probably have to share custody, probably pay some child support. A parent has to work while in high school, then attend college or trade school. That doesn't leave a teen parent much time to play with the baby.

It doesn't sound like you, or other teens are planning to get married. More than likely, you wouldn't be sleeping in the same house as the babies mother. How well will you sleep at night when your baby is at the birth mothers house? Can you trust she'll be home or will she be out partying? Will she wake up in the night to feed the baby or make sure he's in dry diapers and warm pajamas?

The conversations must have worked. He had his 1st child at age 24 three years ago. Our daughter age 29 her first child, just last month.

Playing devils advocate by pointing out the legal & financial effects were effective. A little verbal jousting on parental legal rights responsibilities will be good for her and keep you on your toes.

These were conversations were not done as serious one on one talks. Specifically, when I'd hear a baby related detail on the TV news or learn of a teen pregnancy, I'd be peeling potatoes in the kitchen, then I'd spout off about what could possibly happen to this baby and its parents rights in the future.

My kids were not squirreled away in their bedrooms. Our only TV, phone and computer were in the family room next to the kitchen.

Amazingly, our house was "kid central." My kids and their friends were constantly close by to hear my comments. I always let them tell me what they thought (in a respectful manner.) (Calling me dumb or clueless doesn't cut it in my house!) My kids and their friends learned to debate and question in a calm respectful manner. If not I'd say "try saying that again pretend you are talking to a judge in a courtroom custody case."

As adults these kids are analytical and expressive in their manner of speaking.
Best Wishes

Check out the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. You can read part of this really practical guide to communicating with your kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081.... I think you'll be impressed with the possibilities.

Have her volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center. Show her first hand what teenage mothers look like. Like you said, education comes first. Educate her.

Dear C.,
One bit of advice....make your daughter watch "16 and Pregnant" on MTV.
My son is 14 and responsible and not even at girl crazy age yet, but we watch it together. Some of those kids have babies at 15 and he knows he is so not ready. He wants to be married and have children but AFTER college and a career. There's no sense in beating around the bush about it....it only takes one time of fiddling around to make a baby. It might seem like the "cool" thing to do, but it's not cool when the baby's dad ditches. It's not cool when you can't graduate or you have to miss out on being a kid yourself. One of the teen couples on that show gave their baby up for adoption and my son cried his head off.
That said, some people, like me, really know from the time they're little that they want to have kids. I remember being pretty young and talking about what I wanted to name my children when I grew up. My son is the same way. He knows he wants to be married and be a father someday and talks to me about what names he likes for a girl or for a boy. He's never even asked a girl to a school dance yet so him talking to me about these things doesn't worry me that he's wanting to be a dad next week or anything. I had my first baby at 24 and my first baby is now 24 herself. She has NO inclinations toward having a baby in even the distant future. She was 10 when her baby brother came along so she knows all about how much work it really is. She has talked to me about adopting a child, but she just doesn't think about being a mom all the time. She's very affectionate and adores children but that desire to have a child someday is not high on her list.
If your daughter asks you what age will you NOT be mad at her for having a baby, tell her that all depends on when she's gone to college and has a wonderful husband and a career that affords them the ability to buy a house and have things settled in order to give her baby the very best of everything, especially a mom and dad who are mature and ready to make all those commitments.
I like the idea of having her babysit or help out at a daycare. Obviously under adult supervision because she may turn tail and run with the first poopie diaper change or a little kid crying incessantly and arching their back when they get mad. Babies are cute, but they don't come with an on and off switch. And, watching a show like I mentioned above will help her to realize that having a baby doesn't make a boy love you more. Or even stay with you to help raise the child.

Just be sure you keep very open lines of communication with your daughter and don't be afraid of talking to her about sex. You have to have sex to make a baby and it really only takes one time. At 13 years old, 13 seconds could very well alter the course of her entire life not to mention creating another life for her to be responsible for.

I wish you the best and hope you get other great responses.

I LOVE Becky's answer below about mapping out the true cost to support a child. I also think it would be good to get her into some sort of babysitting opportunity. Maybe she's asking you these things because she really does like being around babies (I had a friend like that growing up and she volunteered in the church nursery along with had other babysitting jobs and that satisfied her need to be around kids/babies - she then waited til she was married and in her late 20's to have her own kids). I think just asking her legitimate questions as to why she's asking you about acceptable ages to have kids would help. If you approach her and truly listen to her (without dismissing her feelings), hopefully she won't blow you off.

I am not there yet mines 9 but i would get her involved in a couple of classes through your local hospital with infant and baby care, plus they have sexually transmitted classes and classes of how to cope with materity. So you could check into those and maybe check with your pediatrician and ask what they think. I also would see if she could take a class with the school so she would know what a responsibility it is to take care of a child. Get her involved with baby sitting. Good Luck!!

she's never going to listen to you. Daughters never think their mom knows anything until like the age of 26! LOL
Find a local Doula Teen program or Womens Resource Center where she can meet teen moms and see first hand and hear from them how they wish they'd done it differently.

Point out to her that 'mad' is not the choice word. Disappointed in the extreme would be more accurate, because she'd be giving up a life way too early to have a baby. And it isn't just cute little toes and giggles. Point out the responsibility. And if she's blowing you off, hold her down and explain that she asked YOU, not the other way around, so she should at least show the courtesy of hearing your response.
I would point out too the young girls in the media who were kidnapped---against their will----held prisoner, raped numerous times, turned into mothers....all against their will and how much they lost out on.
Ask how she would be supporting a baby without a job. Find out who she has in mind for the father and if he intends to be a part of parenthood or not (a dead beat father).

Two things come to mind. We have a class at our school where you take care of the "virtual" baby. That has helped so many kids.
Second when she asks, tell her how hard it was. Having the flu, but still have to take care of a baby. Cleaning up when they get sick. While we want our kids to know we love them, sometimes the reality of parenting is that it's not fun....it's work (that we loved doing). That doesn't always make it easy.

Definitely get her O. of those "real" baby dolls....that will cure this in a FLASH! Does she have a birthday coming up? Perfect!

I have a 12-year-old daughter and can relate. Can you get her involved in a church youth group? The Catholic Church offers many great opportunities, guidance and leadership for young people. Now is the time to act; at this age we are nearing the end of the formative years when adults can make an indelible impression. Good luck!

You need to get your daughter into counseling quick! It is certainly not unheard of to have a child at 13, but regardless of her ability to conceive, she's obviously considering or already sexually active. This needs to stop, she's a minor and as her parent you're responsible for her!!!! Get her some help!

This is a good question for her to ask you. It allows her to see your reaction and test to see if she can trust you to not totally freak out..

Did you ask her what age she thinks would be a good age to have a baby and why?

With our daughter since she was starting kindergarten we have told her that children go to kindergarten, go to elementary school, go to middle school, graduate from high school, then they get to choose a college that they want to go attend (and get to live on campus) then they can travel a little bit, find a cool job and have their own home! Then we would ask her what color would you paint your own living room walls, your bedroom. What kind of pet would you have, what kind of car? It gave her a way to see herself in all of these situations.

When we would see a young girl pregnant, I would ask my daughter, "how old do you think she is? I wonder if she is going to ask for medication while in labor? I bet her breast are going to burn when her milk comes in.
I wonder if she knows she will not be able to sleep for the next year? When we were at Target, I would comment on how expensive diapers were and ask my daughter, how does a 14 year old pay for all of these diapers? "

All of this lead to lots of "Yucks, oh, no! ick,y" and "I bet she never thought about all of that."

Here is the link to a great show on MTV. It is called 16 and pregnant. You can watch episodes online. It does not glorify teen pregnancy or put a bad light on it. Instead it show real life girls and boys that now have babies and how they feel.
http://www.mtv.com/shows/16_and_pregnant/season_2/series....