12 Yr Old's Hurtful Words

Hi Lisa,

First of all, you are to be commended on your choice of consequence for your daughter’s action. The punishment is very just.

Secondly, please try to keep in mind the note she wrote to you was written in anger. All children will try to play one parent against the other. After hearing your husband’s comment though, you may have a legitimate concern…

You were wise, many years ago, to dismiss what he said to you while he was drinking. Alcohol affects people in some awful ways. He has not said anything similar since, until now. There are two ways to look at his recent statement; 1) As a offhanded remark he could say to your daughter meant to be used for shock value on her, or 2) Perhaps the mouth did speak what the heart is full of. The second one hurts.

You feel the need for clarification, for something to help you feel secure about your marriage now. The only way I know of is to talk about it. You could try asking your daughter where she came up with such an idea? You could also talk to your husband. Be loving and kind and honest. Don’t bring up the past comment he made. Men have a tendency to get defensive if they feel they are being beaten over the head with an old mistake.

You are obviously a wise and caring person. Somehow, in my heart, I feel things will be okay.

You are in my prayers,
L.

Kids, and especially adolescents, test, which includes saying all kinds of crazy things to see what will happen. She probably has already said lots of left-field stuff in anger (and will continue to) but she hit on something that is having an effect. My reaction is to dismiss what she said as just an effort to divert attention away from her and the mistake she made.

I would try to separate what she said from what your husband said and handle them as two separate matters. With her, I would just stick with the consequence and not indulge the comment, or if you think she is really worried about the state of mom and dad's relationship, sit down with her together to reassure her.

Your husband is another matter. From everything else you wrote, it sounds like your marriage is fine, and I would be reluctant to let a 12 year old's comment have too much of an effect. In other words, I don't buy the idea that she is "seeing something." If you are hurt by your husband's comment, ask him what he meant and tell him it hurt you.

Good luck! This too shall pass...
S.

L., your response has a lot going on. 1st trust your instinct. Your daughter is more than likely picking up on a metacommunication between you and your husband. Teenagers are very perceptive. The reason why this age is so difficult for many parents is teenagers have this innate way of speaking the truth which many of us parents are not ready to hear or face. I would acknowledge the letter and ask her what she meant by writing it. Ignoring it only means invalidating what she might be feeling with respect to what might be going on in the home. In turn, she will internalize it and then lash out angrily and/or engage in behavioral problems (i.e. take digital camera without permission) because she does not know what to do with the emotions she is feeling. Talk to her about the letter. Ask her what she meant. Name her emotion ("I know you are angry. I get it and you can be angry, but help me to understand what you meant by the letter.") Try not to be afraid of what she might tell you. It may hurt, but in the end you will give your daughter a voice and perhaps obtain information you may not have been aware of. Who knows she may not even say anything, but at least it lets her know you acknowledge her feelings.

As far as her punishment for breaking the digital camera, be consistent, follow through on what you said for now. After your talk, if she takes responsibility for what she did to the digital camera and the letter then you may want to reward her with a phone. You want to reward the desired behavior.

Before talking to your daughter, make sure you and your husband are on the same page. Ask him to clarify his comments. Again, trust your instinct. Should you be worried? The answer lies in the question. Typically teenagers will play one parent off the other to see what they can get away with. Thus, the importance of having the two of you on the same page and address any concerns your daughter might have about your marriage together. It will also visually show her the two of you are a united front.

Not an easy situation, but with some communication, trusting yourself and setting limits with your daughter's behavior, you may find the answers you are looking for. Take care.

Sounds like you need to have a confersation with your husband. You need to sure that he was kidding. As far as you daughter she probably said the one thing that she knew would hurt you the most. That is what girls do. Think back to when you were that age. I know i was a little bit evil. She is probably just hoping that you well back down and give her money back if she says something really mean.

hope everything works out
A.

Hello L. ,

Let's review your accomplishments first . Raising 2 boys
working full time and passionate about you husband of 24 years ...and I am sure there are many many more . Under no circumstances are you to let a a 12 year old make you feel insecure about anything . I have 3 daughters . 18 , 14 , and 4 . And I remember being 12 and ... well girls at this age are very hurtful and say evil things on the spur of the moment without thinking ... it is clearly emotional responses . Over the next few years your daughter will
continue to be " daddy's little girl" and play like your the evil step mom . Take a deep breathe , do things that take care of you spend as much "quality time " with your
husband without being to pushy and balance it out with some family time . Your daughter re: the camera is trying not to take responsibility and trying to make you not focus on it ... that's when the REALLY mean stuff comes out of her mouth . Stick to the punishment . Don't let her distract or disrupt you from what you know is right .
And what can I say about the husband , well men are ...
simple ... if there is nothing obviously wrong ... there is
noting wrong . I haven't met many dramatic husbands .

I wouldn't read to much into the hurtful things your daughter says. When they are at that age and things don't go just the way they think it should they lash out just as we do. They just don't really know how to do it. If you are indeed concerned that you are the last to know plan a weekend getaway with just you and your hero and talk about it. Take a couple of notebooks and both of you write down the good and the bad in the relationship. Communication is the modst important thing in a marriage. Ypou should never stay married for the kids. One thing you could discuss is what you want to do when all the kids are gone and if you want to do them together or not. Good Luck

It sounds like your daughter is just trying to get to you because she's mad. You can't let that happen! I would not even bring up her letter she wrote so she doesn't know it even crossed your mind to take it seriously. Nothing kids say at 12 is worth believing. She obviously knows you are insecure about your marriage so she used it against you. I think your husband's attitude on this one was right on...take what she says with a grain of salt. If she says anything to you out loud about her feelings, when she's way out of line, let her know. She is only 12 and has no idea what it takes to stay married these days. Maybe if she sees how much you love your husband, she'll feel more secure herself and won't bring up the big "D" anymore. Let her know what life would really be like if you were divorced since she thinks it would be a great idea. (i.e. she'd have to move possibly away from her friends, her room would not be her room anymore because you would not be able to afford to stay there and neither would dad, etc.)
Just remember...kids are clueless when it comes to marriage. They only see what you show them.
Good luck!
M.

How is the rest of your relationship with your husband? That is a really weird thing to joke about. Ask him what he meant.
As far as your daughter goes, you're on the right track. After you speak with your husband, talk to her and ask her why she said that.

Lisa,

You need to sit down and talk with your husband. Find somewhere your daughter can spend some time so there are no interuptions. One thing that is really important: When you ask him to speak his heart, just listen. Don't cry, get mad, finish his words, try to talk him out of his feelings, or anything else. Just absorb... and say ok. It might be tough but you want the truth, right? If you need to, go get time alone afterwards to be with God. If you have anguish,.. pour out to GOD. If he does indeed have feelings about divorce, go get counceling (not for your marriage, just for you.)Get a copy of "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson and a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" by W. Harley.

feels to me this is enough energy on something to warrant a thorough fact finding mission. i would ask your daughter exactly what she is seeing and feeling (for her sake to get it off her chest as well as for you) and then i would ask your husband to tell you the truth about where he is at now in your marriage and/or to do a few session of counseling with you. if nothing is the matter you can use it to see how best to support one another or plan some true pleasure and connection time together, or get more focused in parenting or any other area.

cherish eachother!

A. m

Why not just ask him what he meant?

That's hard to hear, I'm sorry. Unfortunately I think if your child is going to say something like this then yes, she's seeing something you either don't feel on your side but your husband does or that you see but have ignored for so long it has become common place to let happen.

I would more want to talk with my daughter than with my husband. You should take your daughter out to dinner and talk with her about the note one on one. Ask her what she meant and what she sees your relationship being with your husband.

The last thing you want is for your impressionable 12 year old daughter to grow up believing her mom stayed in a marriage just to appease the children - its not a lesson in family values that breeds a good family life later on. Maybe she needs to hear how much you love her father and that while love comes in many different shapes and sizes you value the family you have created.

Openness is the best way to come to a solid understanding of an issue that deals with why two people stay together and why some don't. Worst case scenerio - your daughter is trying to send you a message that dad has been trying to get to you for a while which is as soon as the kids are gone so is he -- if that's the case you have some decisions to make.

It is very hard to have hurtful things are said, but now is the time to address some issues you need to address. You do not want to be by yourself in say another 6 years. Your daughter spoke in anger, but it has allerted you to another possible problem. You may need to have a third party like a marriage counselor to help. But right now you can help by taking time to reinforce your marriage by taking time with just your husband by going out of town on the weekend with only you two. Take a night every week or two to go out to dinner just the two of you. Show him how special he makes you feel by wanting to spend time with him and also telling him how much you appreciate him. I don't think we realize how much it means to be told how much we are appreciated.

There are also speakers that do marriage seminars at some of the churches. You may ask at a local church or possibly find a book or video of a marriage seminar at your local bibical bookstore.

Good luck.

Hi L., I can sympathize with your issue. I have been through the same stuff. You and your hubby need some time away even if its just for an evening to be alone and talk about your relationship and see where it stands. I would even suggest counseling if he is willing. Your relationship should be number 1 and then you can tackle your daughters issues together. A good counselor can even help with that.

I would definitely sit your husband down and talk to him about this...in a non-threatening way. Get some time for the two of you alone and gently tell him that his comment hurt your feelings, that you love him and that joking around about divorce is not funny to you. Hopefully he'll reassure you that he was just kidding, or mabye that was his way of calling your daughter's bluff...I really hope that's the case! And I think it would be really good for your daughter for the two of you to talk to her about what she said. I'm sure she has lots of friends at school that are from divorced families and maybe she just needs some reassurance.

Aside from your daughters note, the real issue here is your husband. Drinking affects a person's mental state. His drinking then and now is his way of coping & dealing. My thought is to have a long hard look at your relationship, admit the downfalls, everyone has them at some point or another, then look at the positive. Now that you've done this, it's time to talk to the husband, serious conversation, start that what if fund that was mentioned, and seek out legal advice as a back up. I'd also suggest seeking out a specialist for both of you to go and see individually and together as a couple.

Best of luck.
T.

I am so sorry you going through all of this. Have you considered seeking counseling for all three of you? Maybe couples counseling for you and your husband.
I will keep you in my prayers tonight. Good luck.

You might be being sensitive, but I'd definitely have a talk with him about it to find out what his feelings are. I'm sorry, this sounds like a tough situation. It's a hard thing to flat out ask, but I think I would. Just, Were you joking or is there something I should know? Maybe I'm oversensitive because our daughter hurt my feelings, but I figured I better ask. I'm sorry, hang in there.

Wow you are going through alot of changes in your family. So are we. When kids start moving out and others are left home it rocks the house and all the emotions. You need to find out exactly where you stand with your husband even if his wants cut you like a knife!!! So you can make your own life decisions on how to proceed with your life and your daughters. Good luck my prayers are with you! Keep us posted!

I agree with Alison. Your daughter went for the jugular with that comment and she upset you, just like she wanted! Stay the course with her punishment; clearly it's deserved and you need to let her know that saying hateful things will not get her anywhere.

Meanwhile, you need to sit down with your husband and find out what he meant. If he was kidding, you need to let him know that you don't like his brand of humor!!

Hang in there and let us know what happens. Good luck!

Hi Lisa,
My heart goes out to you. Last year my husband left when our daughter was 11, and while I wasn't sure we'd make it to forever, I was still shocked he would leave while she was still at home. My first thought for you is to bring up your husband's comment and ask him if he could explain what he meant by it. Is he on your side and just throwing out something that might make your daughter back off? (hopefully!) Or is more on his mind that your daughter is indeed picking up on? Being calm and inviting him to share with you is to your benefit -- you need to know what you can expect from your husband. It's OK to share your feelings, too, but try to listen first. No matter how the conversation goes, communication is key. If the conversation doesn't go as you hope, please write me back. Good Luck! E.

Dear L.,
Hurtful words......
Boy, do I have experience in that department.
I divorced my husband when my son was only a year old and my daughter was 10. Hurtful words, and worse, were thrown around like daggers by daddy on a constant basis and I just needed my kids away from it.
Take it from me....words can be powerful weapons and one thing we have to teach our children is to think before they speak.
With your husband, it sounds like you are hanging on to something he said to you a long time ago that is still hurting you. And maybe he was "joking" with his last divorce comment, but how will you know if you don't talk to him about it. On one hand, he is your hero. But on the other hand, he said something that troubled you and the only way to know what he meant by it is to calmy sit down and talk about it. Let him know how it made you feel.

My daughter is 22 in October. I broke my leg and can't drive, so she has had to help me get to doctor appointments and physical therapy. I know it's a total pain in her butt, but I have no one else who can help me. She had completely agreed to a 9am appointment which is WAY out of our way. It's 120 miles of driving for her to come and get me and go back and forth. Anyway, about 2 weeks ago, she was tired and grumpy from school and work and she told me that she hates me. It completely broke my heart. We were in the car when she said it and I begged her to please just turn around and take me back home. She ignored me and took me to my appointment. She was I guess a little more awake and situated when she picked me up and almost had a heart attack when I had to be taken out in a wheel chair after getting a shot. She was afraid they were going to take me across the parking lot to the hospital. She said, "I'm so sorry, Mom. I don't hate you. I love you. I was just very grumpy. What else can I do to help you?"

She felt really bad because she said something she didn't mean.
Communication is the key.

"I'm feeling frustrated or angry or tired or grumpy...."
Those are all things a person can understand. But the really hurtful stuff never goes away.
A joke to one person, may not feel like a joke to another, and you have the right to say how the words made you feel. From your daughter and from your husband.

Words can cause wounds and you need to straighten it out as soon as possible.

Take care.

L.~
I'm sure that your daughter was just writing something to hurt your feelings. Yes, it was wrong for her to take the camera without permission. Also, you need to keep your word as far as not getting the phone for graduation. As for your husband; I think you need to calmly ask him if he meant what he said. If he says yes, then you need to start making arrangements for you and your daughter. Or ask if he is willing to go to counseling. Good Luck to you.

I think you need to ask your husband point-blank if he wants a divorce.

It sounds like family therapy is in order. If your hubby won't go, at least take your daughter. It will strengthen your relationship with your daughter.

Wow... what a confusing hurtful mess. No one knows how to push buttons like a family member, so your daughter's words could just be hitting where she knows it will hurt because she wants to get you back for (appropriately) punishing her. It's interesting that she turned the discussion about the camera/responsibility/honesty or whatever it was into a comment about your marriage. Kids always interpret any problem in a family as being their fault (in fact as adults we often do this too), so maybe this was her way of doing that.
The bottom line is that this seems like a great opportunity for you to get some counseling regarding all this. Probably the whole family could use it, or at least you and your husband; but a good place to start is with yourself so you could get a better understanding about your feelings about your marriage and how to talk with your husband about it. That comment he made was pretty nasty.

I know first hand that 12 year olds like to say the most hurtful things in the heat of the moments like this. Don't let a 12 year old get you feeling insecure, she is still a child. You are the adult, and you should stick with your punishment for her. She has told you something that she has either heard herself or something she is feeling about her dad only sticking around because of her. It is important for you to find out if her father, brothers, or maybe even someone else have said this to her, which could cause her to feel like lashing out a bit. Your husband sounds like he might have had this pregancy/child hanging over your head for all these years, at least in his mind, even if he said nothing to you about his feeling stuck in a relationship with you. You sound like you love your husband and deserve to be in a loving 2 way relationship. If it's one-way, then you might think about getting counseling and see if he's open to making some sessions family sessions where your daughter could benefit too. You need to know where you stand with your husband because if he's only staying because of daughter, and she's seeing and feeling it, then it is sending a bad message to her. You have to show her you want to have healthy relationships and want her to learn the same thing. Yes, kids so try to divide and conquer the parents play them on each other, so you both could benefit to learn ways to deal with this too...you both can't let her do that.

Dear Lisa,
I think your daughter's note was a cry for attention from you and also a way to "hurt you back." Probably you reacted to the camera incident too harshly. After all, it is only a thing. I think having her pay for the repairs is a good move on your part, but surprise her at graduation with the phone she wanted.
Your husband needs to know he is still your hero. What he said, while very hurtful, should not be taken to heart. Spend a little time telling him how wonderful you think he is. Do something special for him daily...just little things....Your daughter will pick up on this immediately and harmonly will return to your home.
Wishing you only the best!
Maria

Hello Lisa Marie,
I would start by asking my husband to tell the truth, does he actully want a divorce? Don't know if you are in a situation where you can go to a counselor or a pastor, but it's really important that you and your husband clear your lines of communication. Be prepared to hear the truth, he might want a divorce. Might also be a good idea to include your daughter in at least one of the counseling sessions so she can hear what you and her father are discussing together. I'm wondering, is there a possibility that your husband might ahve talked to either a friend or maybe even your daughter and stated, that he wants out of the marriage? Children have a tendency to hear what you really never imagined they would.
I seriously hope you are able to find a counselor who is willing and able to see your family. It can be an MSW, an MFT or a minister, the only important issue is that the individual is able to work with families.

The best to you and yours. Feel free to contact me if I can be of help. Don't know where you are located, I'm in Bakersfield.
S.
____@____.com

L.-
You seem to have multiple issues, and they all need to be addressed. Hiding away or ignoring them will not make them go away.

First the daughter.
A. Of course she needs to be disciplined for taking something that was not hers and breaking it. Grounding is handy for this, but I would also have her work to earn money to pay for the camera (or at least part of it). Have her do extra chores. When my son owes me money, he has to pay me 50% of any money he gets until the debt is paid off, this leaves him with a little money and a lesson in why should not get into debt.

B. As for her comment about a divorce, sit down with her (when you and she are not upset with each other) and have an honest talk. See if you can find out why she said that. When i was young, I wanted my parents to get a divorce because I saw what fun my friends got to have with their dads (Disneyland trips, miniature golf, etc). She is 12, and may see or know something you don't OR was just mad and trying to hurt you by saying that

For the husband:
Kudos for him for not having a drink in 6 years. Things people say when they are drunk frequently have some basis in truth. Alcohol reduces inhibitions, makes one think they are bigger/better then they are, etc. It may be that 6 years ago, he felt that way, maybe it was fear of having to start over with kids when they others were just about to move out or maybe it was just talk. My husband and I joke about divorce, but we both know it is a joke. Sit down and have a talk with hubby (again when you have time to talk and are not mad or upset). Find out if that is just a joke, a heat of the moment comment or a reality.

It takes two to have a child,and it doesn't sound like you got yourself pregnant on purpose so he wouldn't leave for 18 years.

As for my parents, they did finally get divorced after I moved out. Their relationship was fine until I was 17, then life was hell for all of us. My mom stayed because she wanted to wait until I had moved out, the reality was that I did everything I could to stay away from home during that last year. I wanted them to get divorced then because they (and I) were miserable. I think they made the wrong decision to stay together for my sake, parents who do this (and don;t get along), make everyone miserable and are better off getting divorced.

M.

PS. I am 42, divorced when my 2 boys were 1 & 3 because I couldn't put my kids through what I went through. I got remarried and now my kids are 18, 16, 4 and 1, so I understand the fear of raising kids for 40 years, but they are worth it! :)

Good luck!