Need a Little Pep Talk

Ugh. I'm sorry.
TRY to think of it this way....looks like this woman isn't going anywhere and a child can NEVER have too many people to love her right? Best case scenario, she ends up with a loving stepmother. YOU are her mom and will NEVER be replaced!
If it were me, this "Lisa" would be my new BFF. I'd REALLY make the effort to get to know her so that communication is totally open, because you have something SO important in common--Gabby.
All the best!

I completely understand. He is a creep to have done this to your family. Such a selfish act.

I promise, no one can take your place as your daughters mother. She will always love you with all of her heart. Remember she will also always love her father just as much. Even with all of his flaws.

As long as this woman is good to your daughter, if would let it be. I do not think sleepovers will affect your daughter and HER self worth. My father had many girl friends and it did not make me and my sister fast and easy with our morals or feel anything except pity for my father being so ridiculous.

Remember at some point you may meet someone and want a sleepover.

I was a child of divorce and the one thing I hated was the fighting my parents would have AFTER their divorce. Yes, I knew their was tension.. I heard the phone calls was witness to their conversations. Saw my mother cry, heard my father yell about his girlfriends to my mom.. .

I will never forgive them for this. They are the adults and yes, they were not directing any of this at me, but they are each a part of me so when one said something about the other, it hurt my feelings because I loved them equally.

Their divorce was THEIRS. Yes, my dad was the main reason for the divorce, but I should not have been made to have such torn feelings about my family.

Please try to protect your daughter from the negativity. It is hard enough to leave you and then just as hard for her to leave dad! No matter what she says to you.. She will protect your feelings.. it takes lots of energy for your daughter to do this.

Find a therapist and talk out all of your feelings. You have a right to be furious, hurt and disgusted, but you now also deserve to find happiness and not carry all of this around alone. Your feelings are real, you need to be heard.

Hang in there, I am sending you peace and strength.

This absolutely sucks. I feel for you. But you can do this. You just have to adjust your thinking. It takes time.

If it's any consolation, at 3 Gabby doesn't really understand the whole dynamic. So although it SEEMS bad (to you).... it's really not (to Gabby). 3 year olds LOVE attention and Lisa may be giving her attention, which makes Gabby happy. What GABBY would REALLY like is if Lisa were 17 and brought lip gloss and glitter nail polish and fruit gushers.... so I pray that Lisa is an actual adult.

You will have to find some way to separate your feelings about this woman who participated in a hurtful betrayal of your marriage vs a woman who may be around your daughter. It's very very very hard. But you can do it. Most of us on this site have done it. You will be able to do it.

The thing that will make Gabby the HAPPIEST.... is to have a happy mommy and a happy daddy. You can't control him. But you can control you. So determine what will make you happy... that is realistic for you to control and doesn't involve anyone elses actions. Give Gabby a happy mommy and a mommy who is at peace.

The ONLY way around this is for you to get a social life of our own. I'm not saying a boyfriend (although that's going to happen eventually). I'm saying a social life that exists SEPARATELY of your ex-marriage and child. Join a group. ANY group. basketweaving. book club. go to meetup.com and find a group in your area and go. Even if you don't want to and even if you don't have any fun the first night.

Good Luck

Yep that hurts, it hurt me to read it. You must keep moving forward though!

While Gabby is there are you taking that time to find yourself and do the things that you like and that make you happy?

Allow them to bond but remember that NOONE can never take your place as her mom! anything else is extra for Gabby, extra time, extra love ect...

In most cases you finish how you start and they started this relationship real FUNKY! Take time to heal and move forward by any means necessary without being bitter but better!

Sending you hugs and new beginning wishes..

There is no 'Lisa' in the world that can replace you D., as Gabby's mommy. She is your baby.

I know it sucks. I mean it REALLY sucks, sigh. But can you look at it maybe a positive thing for Gabby? Maybe Lisa is good to her, maybe it'll be a NICE thing. You will not be LOSING any part of Gabby, but Gabby may be GAINING another good female influence in her life, and kids ALWAYS have room for more grown-ups who love them.

You will NEVER be replaced Mom.

Sending you strength, D..

:)

Hi D.,
I have said this over and over again to many a mom that is going thru this same situation. Just because you had a child with someone does not mean you have to spend the rest of your life with them. Sometimes they were just meant to create that life with you and THAT IS IT!! OBVIOUSLY your season is over. I know it hurts. I know it sucks BUT IT IS OVER!
There is someone else out there that will make you happy. BUT you have to let go of this one first. I mean really let go.
You are worthy of more. You are worthy of someone that will treat you right. You are worthy of respect. You are worthy of LOVE!!
As long as your daughter is treated well, taken care of, clean and not being exposed to anything illegal, you need to get over it.
Pray for guidance. Pray for strength. Pray for your heart to heal so you can be ready and accepting of that new person when they arrive and are not carrying over any unnecessary baggage.
You are going to be OKAY. Your heart will heal. You will LOVE AGAIN!!
Okay GIRL, NOW GET OUT THERE AND DO IT!! GO!!
How is that for a pep talk?? LOL!!
BLESSINGS!!
D. F

You sound as though you are still not over your pain and hurt of your husband having the affair with this woman...that is why this is extremely hard for you.
Unfortunately, your daughter is going to be thrown into the mix of this girlfriend and possibly others.....its not the life you picked for her but is such a life.

I agree with Theresa who said you are still Mom #1, don't forget that. Your husbands girlfriend can never replace you.

I hope you can get some counseling or give yourself some more time to get over the hurt and move on. Best wishes!

I really feel for you, I think I would feel the same way if this was me.
But from an outsider's point of view your ex has a point. You have been separated for a year and a half, he has been with this woman the entire time... it is not like they met yesterday. He wants to move on with his life... hurtful for you, but understandable for him.
Did your agreement spell out what happens after the month was up? It does sound like he stuck to it and moved forward after the initial "test phase".
As hurtful as it is, I think you need to push your divorce forward and get it over with. A lot of things will be resolved and you will be able to move on as well.
I would not be surprised if his girlfriend became his new wife before the ink on your divorce papers is dry, so as someone else suggested... it will be much easier for all involved, but especially for your daughter, if you start getting yourself to a point where you can accept her in your DD's life (you don't have to be friends, but a "friendly" relationship will help).
Good luck!

Why did he have an agreement that he had no intentions of keeping? From now on, have anything important in writing with the court because you know he can't be trusted to keep his word.

I don't know what to say about the pep talk thing, other than at least it isn't a parade of women in and out of the house. (Though I doubt this makes you feel a ton better...)

So sorry,
Dawn

Wow! My situation is very similar except I did divorce and our daughter is 2. This is what I tell myself. Most scum bags, which is what an adulterer is a lying, cheating scum bag; prey on nice people. Chances are in your favor that this woman is very nice and being very good to your daughter.
However, I talked to my ex and explained that for every woman he brought in our child's life I could match with a man and imagine that impact on our child and he backed off. I presented it in a way that he thought I may be introducing her to a man right away. it's an option.
Lastly, you could think of it this way; at least you know it's one woman and you know who the woman is. Watch what you put in writing. As the mother if you live in NJ stop with the mediator and go to court. Family court judges show us favor

I'm so sorry! Maybe you can talk to him (over the phone) and remind him of your agreement. Wouldn't he like for you to honor your agreement if the tables were turned? Good luck and hang in there!

honestly, you need to talk to his girlfriend and tell her face to face that you are not comfortable with her sleeping over while your child is in his care, if she refuses to listen to you, then you have every right to refuse to allow your child to be in his care with her around. you are the childs mother, she is the girlfriend, she can put on her big girl pants and deal with it, and if the ex husband doesnt like the new lay of the land, tell him, too bad, you are the childs mother, she is the girlfriend, and thats the way it is.a written agreement is a legally binding contract, tell him, you dont like it, take me to court
K. h.

Laurie A nailed it.

You know what really stinks about situations like this is the "you have to just get over and accept...you've been separated...they've been together..." AS IF this was all done on the up and up. Just because you HAVE to accept it (and you are, and you will) does NOT mean they are doing anything right, and I don't like the, "He's moved on in the understandable way" angle.

He's a shmuck. Period. So is his girlfriend. He cheated with this "woman", and he continues to do whatever he wants INCLUDING ignore your written agreement which he had no intention of keeping. He's a shmuck. That's why you aren't with him. So embrace it, know it acknowledge it, and be thankful the door is open now for a better future.

I'm happy your daughter is not in any danger and that the tramp is "nice" to her. So there is really nothing more to "do" about her, but I might say a few words to her nicely and calmly, like, "Yeah, I don't like you sleeping over with your boyfriend around my daughter." big smile. "That was pretty shifty how Jim Bob agreed to that in writing and you both don't honor it. That's why we're gonna stop mediation and just get things air tight in court" You can be a nice person and still be honest about her behavior. Her stupid boyfriend is not divorced.

As you can see, I would have trouble with the high road here-you're doing much better than me! It's best not to say anything since they'll turn it into you looking catty, but no doubt-their harm, their foul.

I would tell the ex that since mediation is for people who CAN AGREE ON THINGS to avoid bigger costs and more HEAVY DUTY court orders....and he obviously CANNOT hold up his end of written "agreements" that you guys should ditch the mediator altogether, and get over to the court house and do this right. Look into free or affordable attorneys for yourself.
Hang in there, be tough, it will make you stronger, your daughter will admire your strength when she gets older and understands it all better, that tramp will never be her mom or even come close, and you'll look back on this one day from a better place and be glad it's all behind you.

The message it sends to your daughter-or at least, later on when she is older-is that women and the relationships with them are temporary-and not to be taken seriously, as women are a nuisance and can be discarded on a whim. Men are all-powerful and all-knowing-and will determine day and time when that will happen. Tell him he will not shack up with someone while your daughter is sleeping under his roof-it's creepy and inappropriate-and detrimental to her well-being. Don't be shocked, however, if the court sanctions it. You can also tell him that men were put on this earth to lead and protect.