12 Year Old Falling Apart - San Diego,CA

I do not understand why
you are upset that your son had a meltdown.

You label him lazy, to me he sounds completely overwhelmed, by school and the tension in his father and stepmothers home and not having his own mother around.. When you and your husband fight about SS, you make it his burden.
What does the school say about his work and attitude at school? What types of help is the school offering and what do you and your husband do at home to help him with his school work?

You and your husband need to quit the bitching and bickering and put some real effort into helping this young boy.

That does not mean being harder on him, it means working together to learn who he is and what motivates him. Include him in positive moments.
If he gets confused, give him instructions always using manners.

"John, Would you please set the table? There will only be 3 of us. I think we will only needs large plates and forks. Thank you."

"John, Could you please get 3 juice glasses and put them on the table? " Thanks, You are a great helper."

" I am making pancakes for breakfast! Please place the syrup bottle on the table. Thank you."

You sound overwhelmed because you are expected to parent alone. You and your husband need to have a real conversation away form the kids about what the plan is.. If this needs to be at the Counselors office, so be it..

This boy is literally crying out for help.
Please help him.

Wow. Take a deep breath and try to see it from his eyes. Remove the words "lazy" and "unmotivated" from your vocabulary. Better yet, stop the habit of labeling any of your children. Their behavior can be negative, THEY are NOT.

Has he been evaluated for ADHD and/or learning disabilities? Have you sought out a counselor who specializes in behavior modification vs. talk therapy (or does a combination of the two)? I'd bet you dollars to donuts that he has ADHD or some other kind of problem that is going undiagnosed and untreated. I feel very sorry for your step son.

Please have a full evaluation done for him, and continue to seek out a good family therapist as you all (your husband, his son, and you) need help. If you are looking specifically for behavioral therapy, ask about that specifically. Things will get better, but you all need to work together to support this boy and get on the same page as far as what his abilities and expectations are and how to consistently reinforce the kind of behavior that you want to see from him.

A couple of books that you may find helpful are Positive Discipline and The Kadzin Method for Parenting Your Defiant Child. Both work off of the principles of positive reinforcement (behavior modification 101) and have specific steps to tackle specific problems. But you still need therapy so that you can figure out if your SS has a real problem like ADHD that can be treated and so that you and your husband clearly decide and agree upon your respective roles in handling your SS. FWIW, my husband and I have been married since my 13-year-old was 5 and my son has never met his birth father and my husband DOES NOT discipline my son. It is not his role as a step-parent to do that. You may need to take yourself out of the equation for a while and let your husband take the lead in that area.

When I read your description of the breakfast breakdown, it made me think that your son needs to be evaluated for a learning disability or a psychological problem, not just a counseling session. Yes, 12 year olds can have attitude problems, but it sounds like he is overwhelmed with his unability to cope and that could be contributing to his unmotivation. He just shuts things out. The inability to be able to process instructions is something that can be caused by a number of factors including fetal alcohol syndrome or other learning disabilities or disorders. Your and your husband need to get him professionally evaluated and then learn how to deal with him and help him together without blaming him or each other. Please do this - your son is crying out for help! Good luck!

poor darling...please don't take your frustration out on him. I can't imagine being 12 and so lost, no real mommy by his side for so long and now having step mother against him for something he can't control. I strongly think he's going through emotional changes and would try to be more supportive of him, certainly not less. Punishing will only make him feel worse and more useless. Try to see if his father can have more quality time with him (just him)...he needs more attention and praise, not more anger towards him. I would try with some TLC therapy....

You've mentioned that he's also struggling academically. Is this new this school yr? and is he struggling with the same type of problems at school that you've been seeing at home? I would consider having him evaluated for an attention disorder or short term memory disorder. My 11 yr. old daughter has, in the last year, been diagnosed with both. While their circumstances are different, what you're describing sounds very familiar to me. What I thought was laziness and disobedience, turned out to be a misfireing between connections in the brain between the thought and action procedure. She would be confused over the simplest of instructions and easily overwhelmed. She's bright and quick-witted, which is why I didn't see this as a medically correctable issue for so long. Talk to yourhuisband about this and see if he might jump on board. Even if it turns out that this isn't the problem, it's always nice to narrow the possibilities.

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Does he often seem confused with "commands" with multiple parts? I.e., do this, then do that.

When my son was about that age, I noticed that he often got confused with these types of commands, resulting in him freezing and doing nothing. Resulting in frustration for me, yelling, punishment - all that. He also started struggling in school. After doing some research and talking to teachers and doctors, he was diagnosed with Inattentive ADD. So, I learned to speak to him in a different manner - one that he would understand better - single instructions - or very clear, simple, multi part instructions. It is better now. He is almost 15 now, and maturity has helped also.

I am not diagnosing your son - just giving an example of my life.

Just know that behavior modification for your son may not work if the problem is organic. Yelling, screaming, and punishing him will not work either. In my son's case, he truly could not control his lack of focus and understanding, and was just as frustrated as I was.

I would also suggest family, and individual, therapy. If you the counseling your are attending now is not working - find another practitioner. Like all Doctors, you have to find one we are comfortable with.

Good Luck
God Bless

I grew up in my fathers house with my step mom and her children. I always always always felt out of place. Sounds like your step son may have a lot of issues. When a child doesn't grow up with his/her mom they sometimes feel like there is something missing. I don't know all the dynamics of your relationship with your step son, so I can't say what exactly the problems is but maybe try and sit where he does and get a sense of he MIGHT be feeling.

Often the root of behavior problems can be linked to discovering the "how are you"---I would continue counseling.

I would also get on the same page with your husband. You need to appear as a united front. If SS sees that he has control over the two of you arguing, you have already lost.....

Don't underestimate the impact of school issues at this age. Does he have any good friends, play sports or other activities, is he bullied? I would look hard into these issues. They can DESTROY a child and the whole family will pay.

Reading this, my own son and his Ex Step father come to mind. His step father at the time was much more of a strict disciplinarian than I was. My son did not know how to deal with him and he really did not understand what the expectations were from his step father. It got to the point where he would totally freeze up when his Step Father corrected him. He was afraid to do anything - so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing that he wouldn't do anything - just stand there and stare at him. Step Father took this as disrespect and this just made the whole situation worse. Granted my ex husband had an explosive and unpredictable temper, but I think my son was completely confused on how to behave around my Ex. The difference in our parenting styles confused him - what was ok with me wasn't ok with his Step Father. You and hubby need to get on the same page and Dad needs to be one the that does the disciplining as much as possible. Blended families are soooo hard on everyone in the family.

Good luck, try not to take this boy's reaction as personal and I hope you get through this. 12 is often a hard age on top of everything else, try to keep in mind he is dealing with a lot right now.

I don't have any experience in this subject, however, like most, I do have something to say.

I believe that your efforts to discipline are completely reasonable. All adults in a household are responsible for guiding the children, and that guidance includes discipline. Heck, when my son is at his friends' homes, if he misbehaves I EXPECT the parents of the other children to discipline him.

Ultimately, it sounds like you and your husband need to work out some things first, then work together with the children. Adult caregivers, be they parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, significant others, friends, etc. who live in the same household should be on the same page as far as discipline and consequences are concerned as well as how to praise, play with and teach the children in the home. I really believe that it does not matter how the adult is related to the child. Children need adults to set the examples and rules, and enforce them.

I am an "older" mom, as I am 45 and my only child is just 4, so my perspective is a little different than many ladies on this site. I think we have spent so much time figuring out how we "feel" about things that it is changing our society as a whole. Don't get me wrong, emotional well-being is vitally important, but some things just aren't "feeling" based. When an adult asks a child to put waffles on the talbe and sit down to eat, it seems to me that there really isn't much to "feel" about that.

Lastly, from your brief description, it sounds like your husband has abandoned his parental duties to help the children learn how to be "good citizens". We are responsible as adults to say YES and NO as appropriate.

Sorry for the rambling. Good luck.