12 Year Old Falling Apart

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As a fellow step mom you have my sympathy. Being a step mom is hard and when the child is older and already set in a pattern (other than yours) it gets even harder.

I would suggest that you sit down and have a heart to heart with your hubby and try to get on the same page. Really hard to do... it is an on going process in my house. There are a few issues that my hubby and I flat do not agree on and I defer to him because it is his son, but I do not compromise on my own children. Does it make for different treatment of the kids and draw some lines... yeah and it is not my first choice. But, fortunately for us my stepson is nearly 10 years old than the others and only lives with us in the summer, so it is not a huge issue.

I would try another counselor to see if you can find a better match. The key may be for you and your hubby to go first and then take your son later.

Good luck and hang in there = )

I haven't been a step mom - my sister has, so has my SIL & BIL - all I can say is - try to see the world through your stepson's perspective. 12 is a tough age - who knows what is going on at school. Hormones are beginning to rage in his body, his bio-mom is absent, etc. Also sounds like he may have some processing delays or other learning disability? He was crying - not screaming at you. And you yell & scream at him?

Back up the truck and evaluate if you are being realistic with him - your 11 yr old was resting? I've had a broken arm and unless it was broken in the last week he should be fine to help set the breakfast table and shouldn't need to rest.

Kids don't ask for the stuff they get with blended families. You've labeled him as lazy, unmotivated, confused, etc. How about you get to know him as a person and see how you can guide him? Every kid, even those of the same 2 parents, have different personalities. My daughter is generally really good at school and self-motivated while my son has learning diabilities and must be pushed. That doesn't make him lazy or unmotivated - it makes him a kid who is different than his sister and has different parenting needs. My daughter, though self-motivated and good academically has problems making & keeping friends and deals with depression, while my son who really struggles at school has scores of friends. They are different kids - the ways we parent them varies greatly.

You all need counseling. Your step son needs someone who will really understand him and help you to understand him - and you and your husband need to get on the same page. If one counselor isn't helping find another. Maybe you and your step son should go together and he can tell you, in a safe place, how he feels. Tell your stepson that you have confidence in his abilities - apologize for not always understanding him, listen to what he has to say - even if you don't agree with his perceptions - they are reality to him. And encourage him. Help him to find out what he's good at and what he's interested in. Then encourage him in those areas. Use the self-fulfilling prophecy - kids (and most people) will generally rise or sink to expectations. Set appropriate expectations for him.

Sounds like there have been some problems in the past and you've assigned the black-sheep trouble-maker label to him and he knows it. If you were 12 would you want to get up each day, deal with a step mom who doesn't particularly care for you, have a bio-mom who is dealing with her own issues hundres of miles away and still have to deal with school, social issues & who knows what else? This boy must dread getting out of bed each morning.

He's 12 - not 30 - he's still a child. It's not too late - we now know from PET scan technology that kids brains continue to develope until a person's early 20's. His brain can be taught appropriate behavior, responses, how best to deal with life, etc But we also know that brains develope best, even flourish, with love. They say it's amazing to see how the synapses, chemistry and electrical connections do so well when a child is encouraged and loved. The brain grows connections, pathways, trees of emotions that they are exposed to - the more frequently they are exposed to good, positive, uplifting emotions the more their electrical & chemical pathways & trees are braodened and stengthened. The more negative stuff a kids deals with, the more strong his negative pathways & trees in his brain will grow. At age 12 he still wants your approval and love - but you don't have much time. By 13 or 14 he will look to his peers and their response to him will be the stimuli that will feed the growth of his brain pathways/trees. You have the choice to step in to his life in a positive way now and that door will close pretty soon.

If he's in tears at breakfast and all confused by your directions this is a kid who is crying out for help. Please don't give up on him. Who else can he depend on? Not his own mom.

I know I do not have the same feelings for kids who are not mine. Even though my kids can be obnoxious, annoying, disobedient or wahtever else a kid will be - I still love them cuz they're my children. I have to imagine that innate love does not exist with a step child - how can it? You need to nurture it and find a way to unconditionally love this boy as much as you do your own children. Pray and ask God to give you understanding, discernment, love & patience for him. And realize that as parents we take anger & frustration with others, out on our kids. Maybe your frustration with your husband is coming out on your step son?

Good luck mama. praying for you and your stepson.

D.
Sounds like you and your husband need to get on the same page. Blended families are really tough and the biological parents really need to be an integrated part of parenting. I know my mom had major issues with my stepfather becasue he didn't parent his sons enough and they always rebelled against my mom. So much so that they separated for about 6 months when all the kids were teens. Its really tough! I experienced this in my first marriage which was falling apart, my ex used to undermine me all the time about my sons bedtime and such. It can lead to such frustration & unhappiness which I can see coming thru your post.
Would it be possible to just you and your husband go to counseling- and they could help you get on the same page and set down some house rules & a "parenting plan" so that each parent has an idea of what their job is? I'm not sure what happened with the waffle/table thing but it also sounds like the 12 yo might be having a hard time too... If you can imagine yourself in his shoes- kids that age can seem so grown up and deliberately lazy/ manipulating but he is really just a child trying to deal with confusing emotions and hormones and middleschool and peer pressure and a ton of other confusing stuff.

My heart goes out to your family I have been there and got thru it. You can and will too, do it with love and compassion =)

I'm soooo sorry about this. The sad thing is that his dad really needs to step up and be the primary role model and disciplinarian here. And I don't know how you can make him do that. The blame falls 1st on dad, 2nd on the son, and NOT AT ALL on you. I hope you get lots of advice here, this would be so frustrating!