11 Year Old Son Behavior Problems at School

Hi L., Have you considered making an appointment with a specialist who deals with this sort of issue all the time? If you are open to this, I will send you the name and number of a child psychologist who specializes in school-age children and their issues - specifically issues that are school-related. He has a 3-page resume, having been on the board of many children facilities and hospitals. He is located in Salem, MA. I am assuming that you are on the North Shore. In fact, I will just give you his contact info now, and if you are interested, just give him a call. He is Dr. Richard LeBel on Chestnut Street in Salem, and his # is ###-###-####. Best Wishes. E. Taft

I like the idea of having a talk with him the car. I recently got my 12 year old to open up this way. Sure a lot of the comments from my son were "yeah" and "I dunno" but he did end up sharing with me how he was feeling (in his abbreviated way). It's worth a try!

Reinforcing that his feelings are NORMAL is so important. You don't want him to feel bad for having perfectly normal sexual feelings. Explain to him that he is growing up and these types of feelings come with that, but also part of growing up is knowing when and where to share these types of thoughts, and with whom. Then tell him he can always talk with you, or his stepdad (or another safe adult- preferably male- that you trust)

And yes, the sex talk, if you don't feel comfortable doing it, have your hubby do it. It's time.

Another mama suggested to me that I read Strong Mothers Raising Strong Sons by Ann Caron. I ordered it and it is fantastic. It's my new bible.

Good luck!

It's not just time for a sex talk (and by the way it's WAY too late to be giving him his first sex talk!), it's time to find out where he is learning this inappropriate sexual material! He is being exposed to it somewhere.
Does your ex-husband watch pornography? It sounds like he has a lot on his plate and may not be supervising him as closely as he should.
I don't know if a "punishment" is what is called for here. He's obviously confused and misled and needs to be set straight in a way that makes it clear to him that there is not something wrong with him. He needs to be taught why what he did was wrong. But not that he's a "bad" child.
I would discuss this with my child's pediatrician. Without my child being present, or even knowing about the discussion. You may also be able to consult with the counselor at your child's school. Chances are this person is already aware of the problem.
Good luck, and please find out where your child was exposed to this material.
-S.

Hi,
The sex talk is long overdue. I think that his sexually explicit letter is actually just a sign that he needs some answers fast. A great book that is available on Amazon is "It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health" (The Family Library) by Robie H. Harris and Michael Emberley (Paperback - Jul 22, 2004)
They have books for ages four and also for ages seven. They are very helpful.

I just read in a magazine that if you need to have a difficult conversation with your kid, a great place to do it is in the car--they can't walk away and because they are not face to face with you, they feel more comfortable, less threatened, and are more likely to open up!

Yes, I agree with the other moms -- the car is a GREAT place to talk. My son is 18 now, and a LOT of things came out in the car: he didn't have to look me in the eye and he is a captive person, he can't go anywhere, so he can't walk away, there's nothing to do but talk. One thing that I told my son starting in Kindergarten: if he gets in trouble, I want to hear it IMMEDIATELY from HIM, not from school, AND that he should ALWAYS tell the truth, no matter what. So you should be proud your boy told the truth. So many kids lie, even when confronted with evidence! So praise him for that. Tell him to always tell you when he thinks he did something that he will get in trouble for - that you'd better hear it from him first, before the school calls. I think this kind-of spurned my son from doing a lot more 'naughty' things than he did in elementary school, and trust me, he got in trouble often! As for your son's sexual notes, this is the age, 10, 11, 12, where they are curious and they try to act more grown-up than they are, try to act like they know it all, are cool. So I wouldn't worry about it. BUT, make sure you tell him NOT to put anything in writing anymore!! My mother always said, and it is so true: NEVER WRITE ANYTHING IN A LETTER THAT YOU WOULDN'T WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW. Also tell him not to say nasty things out loud where maybe a girl could hear because that is not being a gentleman (because you know they will still talk like that to their friends). Good luck - hope this helps! P.S. I was a single parent, so it wasn't easy raising a boy, but he turned out to be a fine young man, despite his getting in trouble numerous times in school! :)

I only read about half of the responses, so I'm not sure if someone else might have said this, but I'm confused as to why you say you obviously have to punish him. What exactly did he do wrong? Every child gets in trouble for passing notes, so you'd really be punishing him for the content of the note. And unless it was threatening someone or something along that line, he was just expressing himself. And I guess I just don't think children should be punished for that. If he had yelled those things as a dinner party with your friends, that would warrant punishment, but it was a private note to his friend. I worry that would teach him that it's wrong to express himself to the people who care about him. And it might make him shy away from confiding in you regarding any taboo subjects.

I like what Judi Z said. He's probably punishing himself enough, knowing that both you and his principal know the content of the note. I suspect going to a specialist is not necessary. Our son's school covered sex education in 6th grade and I've talked with our 12-year-old son on and off throughout the years. I think its great you and your husband are going to talk with him together.

Gloria V has some great points, too. I like the premise of wanting to hear it from your kid first, rather than from the school first. (I haven't said that explicitly with our son, but that's basically what happens.) And never write anything in a letter that you wouldn't want the world to know. Good rules to live by...whether it is a handwritten note, an email, or something on a web networking site.

I might approach the conversation from the standpoint of
1) What was his intent with the note?
2) How does he feel now that it is "public" what he shared with his friend?
3) Passing notes in class is disruptive (getting in the way of class learning for him and his friend) and disrespectful to the teacher
4) Sex is part of life and can be fun and full of joy and respect if used properly
5) If handled crassly, sex can be negative which isn't productive in the end
6) What has he learned from this experience?
7) Blah, blah, blah...

He may just end up hearing the last one (7), but you know him best. If you think it's a relatively isolated incident and he's basically a good kid, I would have a conversation but not make a huge deal out of it. If you are concerned, or learn, that he is exposed to some influences you'd rather not see in him, talk about that with him. Explore what expectations you have for him and what he expects in response.

Kids his age are often experimenting with boundaries and learning what is acceptable and what isn't. Now is the time to explain, to the best of your ability, where the line is drawn for you and, you hope, for him.

And don't forget a little humor in there. He may be mortified by all of this. Give himself room to laugh at the situation. Not laugh it off, but chuckle at his predicament and what he has learned from it and what he still has yet to learn.

Good luck!

Well I have been there. I have a 26 Year old son. a 20 year old Daugther a 15 Year old step son and a 11 Year old Daughter. These days the teach them in 5th grade about their Sexual parts and how they work at school. So I would ask him questions. Getting him to talk to you is best. So make some notes of the questions you want to ask him so he is not just listening. Make sure the Questions are not just Yes and no answers. Getting him to talking is best. then you can see what he thinks and what he thinks would be a good way to (Punish him) Good Luck
R.

Hi L.,
My guess is that he has probably punished himself enough. Imagine how humiliated he must have been knowing that his mom and the principal know what he wrote. At that age they are trying to impress their friends and I'm sure that it is all he was doing. I would just remind him that now he knows why you never put anything in writing that you wouldn't want printed in the newspaper. If you want to punish him then I would focus more on the not paying attention in class and the fact that it is disrespectful to the teacher to pass notes during his/her lesson. Maybe your husband could have the "talk" with him. As humiliating as this was for him and yourself I would go easy on him. Just tell him as long as he promises to NEVER do anything like that again then you will drop the subject. He will be relieved and more than learn his lesson.

Hi L.,

my son is much younger than yours. However, i have recently read "Raising Boys" by Steve Biddulph, and i have found it a great resource. It covers the teenage years, sexual interest, masturbation, discipline at this stage of development etc. I think you may find it a helpful read, if you haven't already read it. Biddulph stresses the importance of male caregivers. Sorry that i have no advice for your acute situation. Other than maybe: you know your son is a good kid. Don't lose sight of that, because some people have strong reactions to a few dirty words on a piece of paper (not to play this down, just to give a perspective). Another thing is not to "demonize" sex and sexual talk. he needs to know that sex and wanting it is ok. And he needs to learn what behaviours and attitudes will promote health and happiness in him and others, and why it may not be ok to write a note like he did. But it is forgiveable. He is only just learning to figure out love, lust and tenderness -- distinctions that need to be learned and wisely used.

good luck,
D.

Hi L.
Wow-sorry for your troubles. As the mother of sons who have been through divorce-I understand your situation.
First please don't think of him as bad-or let him think he is. He's hurting and needs to talk with someone. Ask around and find someone in your area who has used a counselor their child has been comfortable with. This is not your embarrassment-you didn't do anything. So keep in mind-he is trying to get attention for something.
Now-for the most important part-don't let him USE divorce as his crutch for everything. My two were really good at being
Divorced children-and guilting me to the Max!
If he has a good relationship with stepdad-maybe have that be your source of communication.
I hope this helps. You are a mom-not a miracle worker!
Make sure he knows how much he is loved. I'm sure you will.
J. H