My middle daughter is 11 and in the 6th grade, this isn't a new school for her, it's the same one she's gone to since Kindergarten. The first week of school was great, the second week of school was not so great. She started crying in the mornings and saying she didn't want to go to school and couldn't give us a reason other than she hates school. I took her to an outside counselor after a few days of this and she was able to determine that my daughter was very worried about getting into trouble at school. She worked with her on different breathing techniques and how to re-think all the negative thoughts she is having about school. In the 6th grade at my daughter's school, if you don't turn in an assignment (or you forget to turn them in) you get a mark on your behavior sheet which results in isolated lunch and Friday night school (which is after school from 3:00 - 5:00). You are able to make up the assignment by Thursday at 3:00 to get the Friday night school marked off so you don't have to go. My daughter has gone all the way through elementary only getting a few marks here and there and when she did get one she would come home crying, even though my husband and I have never been hard in this area, especially since the 1st mark was only a 'warning.'
The problem has gotten worse and she no longer will get out of our van in the mornings when we get to the school. Every morning she has a new 'illness' usually a headache or an upset stomach and begs me to let her stay home. By the time we get to the school, she becomes hysterical and clings to the inside of the van. It usually takes the school councelor just to get her out and sometimes the principal gets involved. She's so worried about school that she's forgetting to turn in assignments, leaves things at home that she needs, etc. Progress reports were sent home yesterday and she has 2 failing grades for not turning in assignments.
Her anxiety is like being in Kindergarten all over again, she had separation anxiety pretty bad and it took several weeks for her to be able to go without crying. She's had successful years at school until this year; she's a completely different child. She has her 2nd visit with the 'outside' counselor in a little over a week.
I've met once with the teachers during a parent/teacher conference, I've talked to the school councelor and I have a meeting scheduled next week with the principal. I know they're preparing her for junior high but does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do to help her now? I want her to be able to enjoy her last year of elementary school....plus, needless to say, this is causing stress on our family. We hate seeing her so miserable and we feel helpless not knowing how to help her at the same time.
Thanks for your time!!
Thank you all for your wonderful responses! Wow! I have gone through my daughters binder with her to get her more organized and have added a couple more pockets strickly for homeowork so that she can keep it all together in one place. She does have a planner for school and for each day I've shown her how to write down each of her homework assignments that need to be done plus she is going to put a check mark next to it after she gives it to her teacher (her idea!).
I am going to try to increase the times she sees the outside counselor, but the one saw the first time is so overwhelmed she has started seeing people 7 days a week just to fit everyone in. If she can't see her more often I will seek at different counselor.
Thank you again for your advice, it all helped so much! Plus my mom called me tonight to tell me about a book someone gave her to read from Stormy Omartian called The Power of Praying Parents, she suggested I read it. It sounds so perfect for what we're going through right now. Things are starting to look more positive. I just pray that being more organized will help my daughter, plus there is power in prayer! :-)
This may be a very simple suggestion, but sometimes life is very simple and experts complicate it. Have you asked your daughter if she wants to switch to another school? I'm telling you this because when I was her age I hated the catholic school I went and my mother couldn't understand it. Now that I'm an adult I think that I would do better in another school.
Virginia Calderon
I am a teacher. I have taught middle school, junior high, and high school. In my opinion, the consequence for not turning in work, as you have described it, seems quite severe for this age group. Sixth graders are just now learning to be independent learners, taking responsibility for their own work. Does your daughter have an assignment notebook? If not, she needs one. Check it with her every day. Let her know you want to check it so you can HELP her stay on track. Stay in daily contact (email or phone) with her teachers if need be. That is their job. Yes, they are busy but they shouldn't mind at least sending you a quick email to let you know if she is missing anything. Most teachers love to work with willing and concerned parents. I would also continue to see the 'outside' counselor. It seems like your daughter not only needs the extra reassurance from you but also the help of an independent person, apart from school personnel or family. Continue to love her and praise her. It sounds like she has a great mom!
She is your child, if talking nicely to administration doesn't work, then be agreesive. Tell them they have caused her anxiety, which has effected her ability to learn. Learning is what school is all about. I agree she should learn to be independent, but what kind of consequences is negotiable. Don't let them tell you otherwise. You are not saying she shouldn't be responsible, you just want a way that is not harmful to her. You are a partner with the school. Do what you can to help your daughter on your end and they will have to think of another method that doesn't traumatize her.
If her anxiety is a big issue in all areas, then I'd say counseling is needed.
My son had similar issues in twice in 3d and 5th grade. In 3d grade his teacher was convinced he was ADD and me, his dr, and the actual test tried to convince her he was not but she really gave my son a hard time so i ended up moving to fix it. In 5th grade his school began having them go to other classes for other subjects and my son had some bullying going on - he wasn't a bully but I guess at that age, there were a number of boys who bullied other kids and each other. I too, met with teachers but eventually my son got into a fight at school and that stopped the bullying. I also did have to get a little assertive with one teacher who was not very nice. My son is now in 7th grade and loves it. But I had to spend much time going over how things would get better once he got used to going from class to class. I can relate to the not wanting to go to school and the emotional pains when drop off time comes. I hope that helps... I know it may seem to be a little different circumstance but there maybe somethings going on at school that she's not wanting to say. I would suggest an unannounced visit to the class. That was my biggest relief or evidence against that 3d grade teacher, b/c out of 17 children 9 of them were in the "trouble" box and when I mentioned that to the vice principal she was as concerned as I was especially when I told her that my doctor was recommending that I remove my son from that environment b/c tests were showing that he at 8 years old was showing signs of stress of a working college student during finals. Best wishes.
Kelli
I am a single parent of a 13 year old daughter and age 11 was the first time I noticed any changes in my daughter. She has attended the same private school and had the same group of kids in her class since she was 3 yrs old. 11 is a very difficult age, kids are not quite sure where they fit in, they are not kids anymore but not quite teenagers either. Peer pressure is intense at this age, especially since this is time when they are not sure of their own feelings. It might be more of an issue of what is going on with the kids in her class and her wanting to fit in than actual fear of getting in trouble. She might be acting out her feelings of uncertainty and fear by not turning in her homework in hopes of getting in trouble and not having to go to class and deal with her classmates. I would recommend that you take her somewhere alone to her favorite place and sit down and talk with her about what is really bothering her. Give her a chance to really open up to you. Good luck, she sounds like a good kid. May God Bless you both.
My daughter is 8, will be 9 in August. She's currently in 3rd grade, and is one of the "young" ones, almost 1 full year younger than most in her class. I'm so glad you wrote this and got such wonderful responses. I'll try to keep all these wonderful suggestions in mind. My little girl does get stressed out about school, and it's all in the maturation process, not her intelligence. I can easily see her being one of the ones freaking out about Friday night school over missed assignments (that punishment seems way over-the-top for 6th graders.)
I don't care if they are preparing her for middle school, this is a severe punishment, in your daughter's mind, and I don't blame her for worrying so much about school this year.
All I can suggest to you is to give her immeasureable support. Tell her that you and her father will help her with this problem...that's what family is all about. Make sure she has a special notebook to write down her assignments and to bring it home each and everyday. (And you need to check for her assignments online to help her remember for the first few weeks.) Then you will help her keep up with what is due...and when; so you all can help her avoid these punishments. And then do it! You'll become more familiar with her weekly assignments. Keep assuring her that this is the way to avoid silent lunches and Friday night school. It doesn't hurt to let her know you think it's unfair, too. This should help bolster her self-confidence as she sees it begin to work. It will, also, train her for keeping up with assignments in middle and high school. But *you'll* be training her with your love and guidance.
I just do *not* believe in punishment that is so frightening to some children. I believe in rewarding them for doing right and showing improvement. So, plan some fun goals for her to do at the end of each completed week without school punishment....don't dangle those goals in front of her....surprise her with them at the end of the week...and make Friday night a fun night for her instead.
Life shouldn't be so tough at age 11. The world puts so much pressure on our young children these days. Give her big hugs and squeezes and assure her you'll be there for her all the way. It may take a week or two to get her organized and get your own ideas set...but this is very important and let her see how you'll work together with her on this. Turn it around to be an exciting time for her....to heck with the school's ideas. They make mistakes, too. If enough children are having such severe anxiety over this situation...the rule will change next year for the next group of students.
This would, also, be a good time to show her what prayer can do.
Good luck and God bless...
There has been some good advice, especially about the day planner and checking stuff off as she does it. I also recommend increasing the amount of times she sees the "outside" counselor to twice a week until she starts to overcome some of her anxiety.
Get her a personal day planner. Every night, physically check off what was done, have her place everything in her back-pack (as you check it off)and place her backpack, all organized and ready for school the next morning. Then, if she gets scared, remind her and say, we checked everything that was due today and it's all ready to go, she will eventually learn this technique and be able to keep up with it on her own.
http://www.thedaycarelady.com/organization.htm
This site is AWESOME for printing out free forms for calendars and planners (daily and monthly), organization sheets... check it out with your daughter, she may get excited about it.
I agree that this is ridiculus punishment for 11 year olds! I think though, that once she understands that she can control her consequences, she may feel better. Also, perhaps she isn't wanting to go to school for a secondary reason as well~ maybe she dreads running into a fellow classmate who is mean to her, or she embarrased herself and doesn't want to go back.
Ask her teachers if they can give special extra credit assignments to make up for her failed grades, many teachers are very accomodating when they see that the child is truly trying. (I know it helped me pass some classes during my slack off years!)
