Need Advice on How to Get Step-son to Do Better in School

Ahhh, I just sent you a long email on how we handled this with my step son and it didn't go through. Here's the short version of what it was...

Your son is going through what I've watched my step son go through at the same age. On trying to figure out what to do with him...every male in my life told me they went through the same thing. There is nothing wrong with him, he is going through adolescence. It's not cool to be "good" all the time anymore.

My father in law did this to my husband and it worked, we did the same to my step son and it worked. He was getting straight A's and he was always in accelerated classes but in Jr High he went to being a pain in the butt and struggling with horrible grades. Here's my version of what my husband and I did after wrestling with him for a year and a half.

We sat down together and told my stepson...These are your grades not ours, we've already made our grades and are successful in life. From now on, your grades are your decision and your responsibility. The world will always need people to flip burgers for $5/hr.

The next step is to forget everything that happened up till now and start fresh. Don't get angry if he does bad, just ignore it...don't make any snide comments or it will all unravel.

Next,learn how to discreetly get him to talk about school. How was your day? Ok. Oh yeah? Did you have any fun assignments? blah blah. Just start with something he likes and slowly connect it with school so you just naturally end up talking about school.

Then, praise him no matter what! Was the C better than last weeks D? "That's great, you've brought your grade up!" Was the C worse than last weeks B? "Aww, that must have been really hard, I used to have trouble with that too."

Have him get involved in school clubs or activities that HE enjoys. These will cause him to get connections that make him want to be in school. Also, most of them require you get good grades in order to stay in them.

Reward him when he does good without announcing your good deeds. He's doing better...spend alone time with him, Dad build a rocket with him, take him for an ice cream cone when you pick him up from school, let him stay out a little later this weekend, talk about his hobbies, buy him a small gift.

This turned my step son around immediately, he was back on top and wanted to get back into accelerated classes as well as start planning for the future (an added bonus!). I'm sure it will help you as well!

I have no concrete advice to offer. It seems (as I'm sure you know) that there is an underlying factor. Sounds like he could be somewhat depressed about something. We noticed when my stepson pulls these things (5th grade) that there is usually some kid picking on him, or he has beceome distracted.

Usually the lying isn't lying in their mind. It is simply a side-effect of apathy. You are going to have to let him know you mean business.

Treat him like a small kid. Make him bring home his agenda, sit down and go through the whole thing. Work every assignment with him. Advise, that if there are no assignments and the agenda isn't signed by the teacher, you will make up work from his textbooks (or internet) for him to do. (including writing paragraphs, stories, fake math tests, researching a science topic....) Don't offer to help. Inject yourself into the homework. I know this doesn't help the class work aspect... but at least he will know you are committed to his success. Sometimes thats all they need.

I recommend counseling. There is something going on that he won't talk to anyone about. Could he be feeling replaced by the new baby? Did something happen over the summer? Does depression run in the family? Is he involved in anything extra-curricular that might boost his self-esteem? An outside party might have some helpful insight.

I also believe their is an underlying factor be it medical or emotional. I was 8 years old when I developed lazy eye. I was so scared I didn't want to tell my parents that I wasn't seeing as well as I used to. A teacher decided on the last day of class to do an eye exam well I realized that day that one eye was fine but the other caused me to start screaming. she sent a note home to my parents to have my eyes checked. I am 30 now and only wear glasses for certain things and surpriseingly driving isn't one of them. He could also have ADD or ADHD which can show up around that age and sometimes younger. He could also worry about being put on the back burner because of the baby. Make an eye appointment and if that comes back fine go to his pediatrician and have them refer you to a specialist to test for ADD, ADHD, and other learning problems as well as a counselor to see if their is an emotional link to the baby that was born. has the family dynamic changed on the other side. just be there for him if none of that works out.

T.,
I would do 2 things. First, have his eyes checked. I was that age when I started having problems because I couldn't see the board. Fortunately I come from a long line of 4eyes, so my mom knew the signs. Next, take him to the doctor, it could be a learning disability or an attention disorder. My 9yo niece has just started down this path (from straight A's to F's), she has been diagnosed with ADD and now my sis spends 3 hrs a night helping her with her homework, but at least she's back to A's again. She was forgetting to bring books home, couldn't remember stories right after she 'read' them, etc.
I'm glad you and your stepson's mom are on good terms, that will go far in helping him not fall too far behind. Best wishes.

Your step-son might have inattentive ADD. Think of it as the quiet from of ADD. You can get more info on the web. http://www.addvance.com/help/parents/helping_child.html
It might help if you help him develop routines. A place for everything, a time for everything. It is possible that until now he has been coasting in school. All he had to do was the homework and he got A's, little or no studying he just had to pay attention. Now it's getting harder, he may not have the study skills and feels "stupid." Of course if my guess is wrong trying the suggestions may prove useful anyway. (check out the link above and Google the phrase inattentive ADD.

take the advice of seeing the eye dr and the regular ped- making sure nothing is wrong medically. I have also checked out Love N Logic and
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038057...

The main thing that strikes me is he has to want to do the work and as soon as he alone feels bad about not following through and making sure he does well- that is his motivation. Anything else from parents becomes negative motivation and just punishment. SO it backfires. ALL kids respond differently to parenting techniques.

Hello,
Wow, what a situation! My oldest son is 5 and has similar problems as your step-son, but we sit down every night now and help him go over his work, and this has helped enormously. I think he wanted the extra attention to begin with, and it does help him feel more confident at school. Even if he does not ask for help, I offer it to my son, and his brother who is 2 1/2 gets interested so we try to keep that up and go to the library too. I hope that this might work for you, you sound as busy as I am!LOL

Hi T., I have a 13-14 year old step-son who is riding in the same boat with your son. A lot of it is the hormones, self identity, puberty, setting hisself apart from others. He needs a role model, someone he will listen to to set him down and say HAY... and really get his attention. Perhaps sports or academics would be a good start, but my step son is too lazy for either, hes both smart and athletic but quit football when the coach said be at practice Sat. morning at 6am. He has great talents, but flat refuses to care enough to put them to use. He failed the 7th grade which his dad allowed him to do summer school, which I never recommend, and he is now in the 8th grade for a second time. Just dont give up on him and keep pushing even you think it does no good. Brian now has a "girlfriend" and that keeps his interest in school and now he begs to go, instead of playing sick to stay at home. I'm sorry that I dont have a solution, but you are not alone and please let me know if you find a better solution.

T.....Wow...I feel like I am going back in time when I look at your situation. My son is now a Sophmore in High School and I went through this exact same thing. Here is what worked for me.....

First of all...go buy a small notebook. Second set up a meeting with his teachers and have him be present with the teachers and the other set of parents so that he knows that you are all on the same page. Then....give him all of his stuff back. Yep that is what I said...give it back. Under these terms....Every Friday he has to have each of his teachers sign in the notebook that he has completed all of his work that week...if he hasn't then they need to sign in there what he is missing. Now here is the kicker....If he does not get the notebook signed he sits at the dinning room table all weekend with a pencil and paper and either writes sentences...or apologies (for disobeying his parents and teachers). If he gets it signed and he is missing an assignment he is not allowed to do anything until the assignment is done and it has been checked.

I know that this seems a bit harsh...but I have 5 kids...2 that are mine and 3 bonus kids...they all have had to do this at least once! If they relapse and begin missing assignments again....then they have to go back to the notebook...none of them like it but at least you are making them be responsible for their own actions.

Hope this helps.

I think that is ridiculous that his teachers and guidance counselor are not that willing to help! While parents should be helping and encouraging their child at home, during school the teacher should be making sure that the assignments are written down, as well as help the parents if they are having trouble. Yes, 6th graders should demonstrate responsibility, but it is up to parents and teachers to show them how...it sounds like you are doing what you can, and if you are not getting much help from teachers/counselor I suggest you speak with the principal. Do you think he might be having a problem with the new daughter's arrival, and that is showing in his schoolwork? I hope that you can get some help for your son and that his school habits will improve.

Hello i just wont to say i look up to u and your husband and the step son mom and step dad for all working togather.. i realy think working togather is the first and best step all of you have and can make.. i allso have a step son he is 10 year old i love very much and he live with us full time.. he goes to his mom ever other weekend in and a mouth out the summer...
any i truely beleave when they do that there trying to say HA LOOK AT ME!!! and see how far they can get with who... does that make since? i think if nothing else all of you need to stand togather... and show that all of you love him very much but he has to do what he has to do witch is his school work... im in your shoe but worse off becouse me and my husband dont even work to good togather much less my step son mom and us.. in a mass.. so i think with alot love and ever one working togather you guy well do great by this child... good luck and let me know how it work out i realy realy would like to know...

I understand EXACTLY where you are coming from! My 12 year old stepdaughter is doing the same thing. She has been doing this for several years now. The only difference between your story and mine is that my husband and I have full custody. Her mother lost custody of her and her half-sister in 2002. She currently doesn't even have visitation. She only gets two 15-minute phone calls per week. Tiffany (my stepdaughter) has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and, just recently, Borderline Personality Disorder. We have done the same exact things that you have done. We have stripped her room clean (didn't work), taken away privileges (didn't work), encouragement (didn't work), rewards (didn't work), talking to the teachers and principal (didn't work) and making her bring home her books everyday and study something even if she didn't have homework (didn't work). We even had her tested for special education last school year because her grades were getting increasingly worse. We found out that she is very, very smart. We even found out that she is college-level when it comes to vocabulary and such. So we at least know now that she does have the potential. She is not dumb by any means. She just does not care. But the big head-scratching question that my husband and I have been pondering on for years now is: How do you make someone care? We still haven't been able to answer that question. We also are having the same problems with the school. She has an agenda book that she is SUPPOSED to write in. But she never does. And the teachers think that she is supposed to be responsible and mature enough as a middle-schooler to do it herself. WELL...THAT'S NOT HELPING! And it kinda makes me mad sometimes at the teachers and the school because they are all the time talking about how parents should be more involved in their child's education, homework, etc. But when parents actually do that, they don't want to cooperate and help the parents out. Tiffany failed the 1st grade. That's when she was living with her mother, and her mother never helped her with her homework or even made sure that she had it done. She also has a big problem with lying, being deceptive, and being manipulative. I am sorry. I guess when I read your story, it made me reflect on all the problems we are having as well. Plus, both our problems seem so much alike. I guess I was just venting a little bit. :) As far as helping you, I have no idea! I wish I could because then I would be able to help myself. Have a nice day!