I was just finishing a detailed post a minute ago, clicked accidentally on something, and now my post disappeared.
Here's the micro version: I would be grateful if any of you could share your experience or knowledge about what girls in this age group might fight over in their school or school sponsored Day Camp.
If you need to see more details before you respond, I will rewrite my first message, but am asking out of curiosity, in general. I'm a 70-year old grandma who spends a lot of time with her 9-year old granddaughter who has mentioned being involved in "big fights" with some of her peers (not sibs), even her best friend. She didn't want to share any details, so I respectfully swallowed my desire to ask questions, but am still wondering, "what do kids this age fight over??"" Her mom is my daughter and is an unusually private person, who herself hates and resists questions I ask, and I believe she is teaching my granddaughter to be the same way with me. Fine, in the interest of family unity, I don't ask questions when my granddaughter has indicated that she "doesn't want to talk about it" about these subjects **she herself brings up**
My granddaughter and I have a very deep loving relationship, and spend a lot of time together. (E.g., 8 10-hour days in August, before school started on the 19th). She attends a charter school for gifted and talented kids, that has extraordinarily high ratings, where they actively teach the kids to treat each other with respect consideration and kindness. But from the way things sound it doesn't seem to me that these principles are actually being put into practice. (maybe the principles they are teaching are too complex for real life)
Also I have heard from a number of people that girls of this age are often quite mean to each other.
I appreciate the diverse opinions offered in response to my post. some were quite useful, a few a bit amusing as well as helpful. It is interesting to me that a few were cautioning me to **not** do exactly what I said I did not and would not do in these situations. Apparently we can only respond to requests for help from our own consciousness and experience. A couple of people either didn't see or perhaps believe these words:
She didn't want to share any details, so I respectfully swallowed my desire to ask questions, but am still wondering, "what do kids this age fight over??"" Fine, in the interest of family unity, I don't ask questions when my granddaughter has indicated that she "doesn't want to talk about it" about these subjects **she herself brings up*
I have learned a lot from this website, and am grateful for all of you. There are so many ways to learn, and so many ideas to consider.
Hormones.
Adolescence.
You name it! They fight about it. They fight about who's hair is longer, who stayed up later, who slept longer, what they got for Christmas, what the teacher said about Greece, who has the cutest crush, etc....
They are changing and they often have little control over their emotions and feelings and how they respond to everything.
It will pass.
This is the age where peer acceptance becomes really important. So basically they are fighting about anything that threatens their appearance to others. It is usually really petty, but also pretty normal.
As far as her relationship with you, I was just reading a book that describes just what you are talking about- how to keep a relationship from becoming distant as girls start to get older and more independent.
I can't remember the author, but it's called Between Baby Dolls and Boyfriends, and it talked about everything about tween girls. So it would help you with the friend issues, as well as how to get her to talk with you. Had a lot of other info in there as well. It was pretty funny, too.
Good luck, I hope she stays strong during these years! She is lucky to have you!
Well, you have to take into account that a 'big fight' is more likely a tempest in a teapot.
Your granddaughter seems to have a flair for drama so I'd listen to her but take what she says with a grain of salt.
You know what my Nana use to say when I or my sister were flustered over something?
"Such is life in a big city".
Which was a nice way to more or less say to get over it and move on.
They fight about everything!
You called her but didn't call me.
You saw her at the mall yesterday and talked to her.
You wore the same shirt she did.
You wore the same shirt I did.
You didn't eat lunch with me.
You didn't call me.
You borrowed my pencil without asking.
You gave me a dirty look.
You got a better grade than I did.
He talked to you.
Your mom took you to the movie that my mom said I couldn't see.
You got invited to the party and I didn't.
As a teacher, I have seriously seen things like this cause huge fights among girls. It can turn into the Hatfields and McCoys and spill over into other classrooms/grade levels. Or it can blow over before lunch is over. As a teacher, and with my own daughter, I stay out of it unless I start to see bullying type behaviors.
They fight about everything. IMO, stay out of tween/middle school friendships unless she comes to you to ask for advice. They are so mercurial and they need to learn to navigate their own friendships. Remember that it's all relative and "big" to her is probably not "big" to you. Like if my then-teen SD got into a "big fight" when she and her friends couldn't agree on a movie. It was filtered through 15 yr old eyes. Everything was the end.of.the.world! Or not... ;)
Oh, bless her heart. I have to say I don't have a 9 year old girl, I have a 9 year old boy, but I would put his drama and emotions up against any girl's lol. I love that about him but it does cause him some heartache occasionally.
His "huge fights" (and remember that term is relative) are usually along the lines of "I was jumping on the trampoline and Mason said I kicked him and I said no I didn't and he said he was going to tell his mom and that would be a LIE because I didn't do anything and he's a big JERK FACE!!!!!" (with full tears and red face lol)
99% of the time (while I love that he shares with me so freely) it is nothing that an adult needs to get involved in. I strongly feel he should deal with these things himself and I don't get involved unless it is a safety issue. Or if I know that other adults have been drug into it already and he needs my backup. I just coach him on how to handle it (including an apology for losing his temper if needed) and send him on his way, after letting him cool off for a few minutes. At this age it's all about teaching them how to deal with these things themselves. Friendships, all the emotions they're feeling, they need to be shown how to handle it all. They don't need it handled for them.
ETA: I guess your SWH was probably directed at me too. I sense a lot of disapproval in your post, from your daughter keeping things private, to how you feel the school is doing their job. And now you're disapproving of us telling you what we would do. You say you "intend" to stay out of your granddaughter's issues, but your tone and comments suggest you don't really believe that you should have to. Which is what we all picked up on, and is why many of us stated it's best to stay out of it. You don't really seem willing to do that, despite what you say.
Maybe I'm lucky, but my daughter is 9, and never fights with anyone! Even when her bratty best friend is mean to her, she doesn't get mad! I never hear any bad stories from school and she goes to a low-brow, scruffy, public school with rough kids. I'm sure there's drama there, but maybe my daughter just isn't into it. Like mother like daughter lol! Maybe the kids at your granddaughter's fantabulous high end school are spoiled, or maybe she's got a bad cluster...or maybe I'm just lucky. I have heard girls this age are very mean...but..I haven't seen it..
OK I just asked my daughter what the girls at her school fight about and she looked completely stumped and said, "Um, I don't know, make-up?" but it was a random made-up answer.
They can fight about anything, from something as dumb as not sharing a piece of candy to something as serious as spreading lies and vicious rumors.
Instead of grilling her with direct questions (nobody likes that, kids OR adults) ask open ended questions, like what did you have for lunch, or did anything funny happen today, stuff like that. And listen, and share, tell her something that YOU did that day.
The way to have a close relationship is to talk but also respect privacy and space, NOT to try to know everything or figure everything out. Don't overthink it and don't try to manage or control too much, that will just push her away :-(
Most if not all the fights my dd was in at that age (and now too) were other girls were jealous if she played with other people. She had a BFF that thought she owned my dd. She would make her life miserable if she found out my dd had plans with someone else. She actually had two girls that thought they owned her. We really had to maneuver to play with others.
I was just wondering this about my 9 yo daughter and was considering a post! I know what she bickers about with her friends, and was wondering if other girls did the same. I see they do for sure.
And I've already downloaded "Between Baby Dolls & Boyfriends." Thanks for the suggestion Kade S!
Its all stupid stuff. Usually based off of something someone said or did. So and so said not to play with you, or so and so said you said this or that. ALL STUPID stuff. But the girls will have a sassy tone about their voices which seem to escalate things. I will hear it in the neighborhood girls, and some of the things my daughter says about what happened at school (she is 8 so i'm sure its very similar to 9) They are mean to each other and very manipulative over other girls.
what do they fight over? tv shows. clothes. hairstyles. glasses. music. books. bugs. bicycles. names for horses. astrology. parents. religion. dog training. favorite colors. board games. boys. friendships. chocolate. philosophy. chores.
it's a natural thing to do. they're figuring out social hierarchies, conflict resolution, coping techniques and boundaries.
and yeah. they can be mean.
still not sure what your question actually is.
khairete
S.
