Pre Teen Frenemy Issues

I would have responded, too- don't feel badly about that! I don't think you're getting wrapped up in drama, I think you are parenting. We can't fight out kids battles for them, but we do need to monitor what is going on and give them skills to fight for themselves.

Cell phones do tend to make things worse, I hate them! I read a book called Between Baby Dolls and Boyfriends about raising a tween girl, it was very helpful about these issues. I know there are also lots devoted just to texting and social media issues as well. You'll get through it!

I would assume, since you know what is in their text history, that the friend pretended to be her mom to mess with your daughter and your response just caught her off guard and feeling busted.
That said, stay out of it. Let your daughtet decide how she wants to handle it and keep your opinions to yourself if she decides to re-friend this girl (and especially if they are fighting again). Keep an eye on it, but unless it becomes dangerous or threats are made, your daughter needs to handle this on her own. Just keep communication open, so you know if things turn bad.

I have unfortunately had experience recently with this involving my daughter who is in high school. I think it's hard (for me anyway) to remember that these types of things happen frequently in all aspects of our lives. And what I try to ask her is to remember it won't seem so important in 6 months. I decided to try to take a different approach by asking my daughter questions. The recent event involved a young lady that I knew was not someone I wanted my daughter to hang out with. I knew that because I always volunteer to drive the kiddos at every opportunity. By doing this it gives me an opportunity to observe as well as get to know her friends. When I realized this person wasn't emotionally healthy I began asking my daughter if she'd like to invite other friends along with this friend to meet up to visit. My daughter actually said she'd check with her other friend and see. I was floored. I could see plainly she was being isolated by this girl. I knew if I said I didn't want her hanging out with her she would balk at that and besides her friendships are hers to manage. an incident happened that really crushed my daughter regarding this girl. I listened while my daughter told me everything. After consoling her I asked her, "if one of your younger friends came to you and laid all the details out that you just did and asked for your advice on how to handle it, what would you tell them?" She looked at me and said to like her from a distance. I said, excellent advice.

It's a long exciting and challenging road ahead. Enjoy your daughter and prepare her. Unfortunately the skills she'll develop will serve her in all walks of her life. As a doctor I worked for used to say, there are 4 basic types of people, if one type moves out of your life another with the same attributes will fill that hole.

Blessings!
L.

Geez Veruca. Is that really necessary? She got involved bc the other mother butted in.

teach your daughter about boundaries, and how to say no firmly.
then show her how to do it.
do not get personally involved and invested in your kids' drama.
khairete
S.

Was it really the mother? Or the friend pretending but not wanting to admit that she was messing with your daughter further?

I would talk to my daughter about what makes a good friend. Ask her why she keeps this friend. While I wouldn't get too far into tween girl friend issues (they are so mercurial) since the issue seems to be this particular girl (and her mother), perhaps they need to be "in school only" friends for a while. We had to have some similar conversations with my then 12 yr old SS when he had a bad friend and he figured out on his own that this friend of his was a waste of time.

It might be a good time for your daughter to take a break from texting for awhile.
As far as this frenemy goes - block her number, don't invite her over and don't accept invites from her.
Life is too short to waste it on drama addicts.
As for calling her mother - sure, go ahead.
Don't say anything about the texts or anything else.
Just say you feel the girls could use a break from each other for several months and you will be keeping your daughter busy with activities - you're just giving her a friendly heads up.
Then follow through and do it.

We went through this with one of ours (all variations of it).

Sounds like the girl is insecure/jealous/feelings hurt .. and they learn to get over this otherwise they will lose their friend entirely.

It's really common, and I think the parents just guide them (rather than get involved).

I think it was the girl as well (not the mom).

Unless this girl is continuously mean or puts pressure on your daughter, treat it like a phase she is going through and see where things are in a week or two. I don't ban kids from the house (thought about it) - I let my kids work it out. The one time I wanted to, I allowed the kid over and my child recognized they weren't really a good friend by that point (after a hiatus) and stopped inviting them over on their own.

Good luck :)

Yikes. I don't blame you. No, moms don't text kids, and certainly not to say "no more friendship" - so the other girl's mom is completely wrong and engaging in too much tween drama. Kids need to learn not to have relationships by text, first of all. They need to talk. And the other girl is jealous and not ready to have multiple friendships - it's sounding very kindergarten-y.

I think I might have called the other mom rather than perpetuate the texting thing, but if she's so aggressive, maybe you did the right thing. I don't know her and you do.

If they have issues in school, let the teachers handle it. Stay out of it. Don't take any steps to move classes around or any of that. We all need to learn to go to class or to work with people we don't adore. Teach your daughter to be pleasant but detached.

For now, I'd consider blocking those numbers from your daughter's phone. The mother doesn't want them in touch anyway, so you're not actually doing anything defiant in her eyes! Maybe it's not necessary - just encourage her to have other friends over and to move on.

Encourage your daughter to have face-to-face relationships and to recognize that texts have no context and no voice inflection and no eye contact. They are limiting and they don't help kids foster real relationships. I know you're shoveling sand against the tide if you say that, but studies are showing kids are really hampered in work and personal relationships because of the reliance on texting. So think about your position on this before she enters the teen drama years.

Don't draw a line on "not welcome in my house" - it's too final and it may serve to drive your daughter to this girl. Let there be a cooling-off period and say "you need need to let her and her mom calm down". Declare a moratorium on contact for maybe a month so everyone simmers down and both girls can see if they actually miss each other. Your daughter may see that this girl is needy and insecure (hence not wanting other friends) so tell her to be pleasant but not overly solicitous while everyone heals and looks around for other options. Then it can be revisited. Telling a tween or a teen "no" can push them in the very direction you don't want them to go in.

The mamas need to stay out of it and let the kids manage their own relationships.

I've looked back once and thought things were very suspicious, and I really could have not been receiving a text from a child's mom, but the child himself. So. . . I just made a determination that the next time I get prompted into a text conversation with a parent that goes beyond typical logistical communication, I will respond to please call me. I'd rather talk than text.

My dd had lots of problems like this. I told her she could only have one friend over at a time and she could not post anything on instagram about having a friend over (so other friends don't feel like they weren't invited). She has to put her phone on airplane mode when a friend is over so that she is not receiving calls or texts that could make the other one jealous. Girls this age are very territorial and can be overly protective of their friendships. It is crazy!

If you're friends with the mom call her and ask her if everything is all right. That you're concerned about her girl or something. Tell her that since she posted that message you wanted to chat voice to voice with mom to make sure you hadn't missed anything.

Just in case the daughter is using mom and posting messages like that. Maybe mom did see something you didn't but she might have also been influenced by some story her daughter told her.

I guess I'd call their bluff in this way just to see if mom really did post or not.