My 7 Year Old Daugher Was Treated Meanly by Her Friend. How Can I Help?

Your job as a parent is to give your daughter the skills and confidence to face rejection, mean talk, and things not going her way.

It is not to intervene every time some kid is mean or says "You're annoying." Maybe your daughter IS annoying, and you'd have no way of knowing! Sure, we all see the best in our kids, and we see a very small percentage of their interaction with other kids. So we can't tell if their version of events is realistic.

So sometimes kids have to be disappointed, they have to face immature or nasty people, and they have to shake it off and deal with it. They can be taught to avoid consistently mean people, but they also have to be taught how to be resilient in the face if disappointment and unfairness. They will have this at 5, 7, 11, 15, 18, 25 and 46.

Your job is to be her sounding board but not to get too involved. The more she thinks that every slight is a reason to sit and mope and feel crappy, the less strength she will have to figure out what to do about it. If someone is consistently mean, she can walk away. She will learn to define "friendship" and learn that she cannot change everyone, only her own reaction to them.

This is a good strength to have when it comes to teachers in high school, college professors, bosses, and much more.

Resist the urge to protect your child from every hurt. They need to fall down sometimes and get bruised, and they can't spend their lives in a play pen, right? Same thing when it comes to relationships. Instead of trying to protect her from everything, work on helping her prioritize things and become more resilient.

It seems like there are a lot of questions like this which is making me wonder if this is a byproduct of parent driven childhoods. When my kids were younger they worked through it themselves who they wanted to play with and then asked permission for them to come over. They got phone numbers, parent's names, brought it to me with their plans, I said yes or no. It gives control of who their friends will be to the children, where it belongs.

Parents look at childhood friendships through the lends of perfecting their childhood, that doesn't really make for good judgment. My advice, let your daughter take the lead. Let her pick her friends. The three you picked may not have been a good fit and it could go beyond well we sort of have fun, it could be they tried to have fun because that was what was expected.

You can't protect her everytime she gets her feelings hurt or if you feel like she has been wronged.

Children work things out among themselves. There will be hurt feelings all along the way.

Your job is to listen to her, support her, and give her the tools so she learns to handle these things herself.

Yes it's tough to watch your baby go through a difficult time with friends. We've all been there done that.

Look at it this way... All children are like rough stones and over time they smooth each other out!!

Best wishes to you.., it is long ride and she needs to know you support her. Listen listen listen!!!

All you need to do is sympathize and talk with her about how girls do this and are best buds the next day.
Don't you remember when you were this age? Hasn't your daughter told you she hates you? Girls this age are just starting to learn how friendships work. It's important for her to have this experience so she can learn how to deal with it.

I would say, "I'm sorry this happened," give her a hug, let her vent without passing judgement on her friends tell her this does happen with kiss this young and she's OK.

Why are you taking something that happens to your daughter so personally. She will be hurt over and over. The best way you can help is to teach her that what other kids say can make her angry, hurt her feelings and it's really not.so important to do anything about it. Her friends will still be her friends unless she over reacts and make it difficult for them to be friends.

About not reciprocating with play dates is also not important. All it means is that mom/dad don't do playdates. It does NOT mean they don't like your daughter. Why they don't reciprocate really isn't your business. I would wonder; then move on. Keeping count never helps.

Relax, please. Help yourself find ways to make such things no big deal. There are many years ahead.

it sounds like the sort of interaction between 7 year olds that is perfectly normal and natural, and has happened between 7 year olds throughout time and eternity.
the only 'help' your daughter needs is your sympathetic ear, maybe a few prompts like 'hm, i wonder what a really great response to that would be?' and let her work through it.
a sympathetic ear should not include negative comments about the other girls, or lots of fluff about how wonderful, fun, loving, daring and smart she is. this isn't about the other Mean Girls and your Nice Girl. it's just kids treating each other with the rough immediate feedback that is one of the most invaluable things about childhood. they don't filter, and this sort of immediate reactivity is what teaches kids coping and interaction skills.
and yet modern parents try to 'fix' it by forcing kids to be 'nice' when what kids need to say, and other kids need to hear, is 'you annoyed me by kicking that ball. i'm mad at you and don't want to be your friend.' implicit is 'right now.'
and when parents don't micromanage, that's exactly what kids hear.
and over time (key phrase, 'over time') they start to filter 'this is a perpetually mean person who is not my friend' and 'this is my friend. we annoy each other sometimes and can tell each other that when it happens.'
i'm starting to think that 'playdates' are the scourge of modern childhood.
khairete
S.

They are really young. The girls had a spat. It's very hard to see your child's feelings get hurt, and other kids being so painfully immature socially, but it happens and it's normal. Your daughter's feelings are understandable and very normal. You need to be a safe place for her to express her feelings. You can validate her feelings, and really, you should not try to fix things. Stop arranging playdates and certainly stop worrying about adult expectations of reciprocation. Children this young simply do not think this way yet. Let go of your expectations that are more about the parents than the children. Listen to your child. If SHE asks for help inviting any certain friend over, support her in that. That "mean" 7 year old, could blossom into an amazing person anyone would want for a friend. Don't burn bridges. I would stop the playdate madness. Instead, keep her involved in your community and activities and around groups of other kids her age. Natural friendships will form by her own connections, and then you follow her lead. Always let her know she has choices in the friends she chooses. I guarantee you all the playdate arranging the other first grade parents are conducting isn't going correlate to any difference in their kids' social lives by late elementary, middle school, and beyond.

My daughter is nine and by the age of seven she had clicked with a couple of girls in her class this was second grade.

We hosted some play dates and we went to some play dates. If the mom and I hit it off we were more likely to get the girls together again sooner. Sometimes another get together never happened due to schedules or whatever. No biggie they were 7.

In the two years in between those friends have come and gone. New friends have come along and gone...some of the old ones have resurfaced. Friendships at this age are very very fluid. I think my daughter has two kids that she has just clicked with really well and has been constant friends. But it ebbs and flows. Last year one really close friend was very controlling of who she would "allow" to play with whom...my daughter basically in third grade speech told her off and cut her off as a friend. The other mother called me and told me we needed to get the girls together to work it out. I told her that I was willing to let them work it out on their own. They did and are friends again this year but the other girl no longer tries to run my daughters social life.

My advice is to validate her feelings that yes it really hurt when the other girl said those things. Talk about what it means to be a good friend and if she was being annoying talk about how that does not make people want to be your friend. I have watched enough kids "annoy" other kids on the playground to try and get their attention. It doesn't work they get shunned.

I have more to add....but will later....

My daughter is 13 and we still deal with issues like this. What do I do? I encourage her to make friendships with people she gets along with stronger. I tell her not to be jealous of have her feelings hurt if she sees a group of girls getting together and she wasn't invited...not everyone is invited every time. I tell her to not worry about the drama that is life.

She has great groups of friends and two true best friends. She doesn't need everyone to be nice to her or get along with her - that's not reality.

Does it hurt MY feelings? Sure! There is one girl in her dance group that I CANNOT stand. I can't stand her mother either...but it's not a battle worth fighting. Teaching my kid to not let people like that get under your skin is a far more important lesson than teaching her to be mad about it.

Honestly, most 7 year olds are incapable of having a real friendship yet. Please don't push it. It'll unfold naturally.

I love the responses so far. I am not for just 'letting kids work things out' without giving her the skills she'll need to do so. Mostly, as TF said- listen! She will hear the "I'm not your friend" thing over and over, it's best to just say "I'll bet that hurt your feelings, I'm so sorry." Teach her how to respond to these comments in a constructive way (which is a work in progress- they're young!) and to talk to others without being mean (also a process). It's awesome that she shares her feelings with you, and the more you just listen and empathize the more she will continue to do so.

I read a book called Between Baby Dolls and Boyfriends which is about raising tween girls- this is just around the corner for you but sounds like you are dealing with some of the same things already. It was a great read to gain some perspective.

I think I was like you, I saw so much of what went on in my daughter's life, and it was WAY harder on me than on her. I kept looking at the kids whose moms weren't as aware of the little details of the day, and realized their kids were just fine, and the moms weren't as upset as me. It's good to be aware, but completely immersed will make you and your daughter crazy- it's so hard to watch them grow up! Learning social skills is a clunky process, and their will be tears and hurt feelings. Try to step back a little and see the bigger picture. I wish I had done a better job at that. Sounds like you have a great girl and you're doing a great job- she'll be fine! Good luck!

unless you're in elementary school, leave it alone. This is kid stuff that does not require parental involvement. You'll find that they dislike each other one day, heck one hour, and the next, are best friends again. Don't say anything negative about the other child. At the most, tell your daughter that you are sorry that her feelings are hurt and nothing more.

Good advice below-- she'll be okay if you can be okay.

Okay this is probably gonna sound mean but I'm not being mean, just realistic.
This is LIFE -- not everyone is going to like you - not everyone is going to treat you with respect - some people are gonna be mean - Now the choice is yours .. not theirs. Do you want to hang out with them? Do want to have play dates with them?
There is no reason to hang out with or be friends with anyone who doesn't treat you with respect. You do not have to be friends with people you don't like. All you need to do is treat them with respect and be polite.
The trend today is to raise kids in a fluffy marshmallow world where every unkind or rude remark is a major heartbreak. Well time to wake up this is not the real world. In the real world some people are not nice.
Your child will have to enter the working world in less than 10 years She will work with people who get mad because she drives a better car or has a cuter purse or any number of things. She will be passed over for promotion because someone doesn't like her, she will not always be recognized for her effort even if she went above and beyond. This is life.
Part of your job as her parent is to help tred these waters. You need to explain to her that everyone is not always nice even when she is nice to them. The hardest thing to do is to rise above them and continue to be nice. And to teach her kindness will take her further than meanness.
I used to work with a woman who was not a nice person .. every day when I walked into work she would look at me and say 'UHGG I guess I can put up with you again today.' I could have complained to the higher ups .. I could have quit .. But at that time the job fit my schedule and the pay was decent and our medical/dental/ vision was paid by the company and covered not only me but my 2 kids too .. So let her be a smart mouth I ran into her recently, 15 years later, her life is not happy ...
Ahhh Karma.

I would move on from these friends. Girls team up and fall out all the time. Ask her if there is anyone else she's interested in playing with and invite them over for something fun. Is she still in first grade? Friends change a lot based on who is in their class. If your school is large enough, she may have new people that she'll click with. Why do the other girls think she's "annoying"? Maybe your dd can remember what happened to see if there is something she's doing that is putting off the other kids. My dd was called annoying by a few people in elementary school...she was rather loud. I did have to work with her on what she could do to tone it down.
The other thing you might do is involve the coach. It sounds like there is some poor sportsmanship going on by the other girls. Maybe the coach can give everyone a pep talk on what is okay and what is not (and separate the two trouble makers).

Lots of good advice so far. I get it. First grade is hard. I was not ready for all the girl drama that started as soon as FG started. I thought I had another year or two...WRONG! The year has just started, she will figure things out and so will you. Keep offering play dates and keep encouraging her to stand up for herself. Give her ways and sayings to deal with people who might hurt her feelings and encourage her to find a friend that makes her feel good!