Photo by: DougWW

The (Not So) Silent Type

Photo by: DougWW

I enjoy quiet time just as much as the next person, but lately I feel like we’ve been shushing our kids a little too much. Mostly, I’m talking about when we’re out in public. While I agree, we need to teach our kids the so-called rules of engagement when out and about, constantly asking them to quiet down just gets plain old. Yes, I want to teach my children to use their “indoor voices” and use their manners when we’re in restaurants and the like. It just seems to me we have become a bit intolerant when it comes to the everyday sounds of our children.

Honestly, unless a child is having a flat out screaming tantrum, I enjoy the many sounds of children. I realize though, this is not true for everyone. I vividly recall an instance when I was faced with the rude awakening that not everyone thinks my child is as cute as I think he is (the nerve).

Anyway, there we were, my 3 year old son and I doing the grocery shopping. I was just happy to have only one child to wrangle into the shopping cart. Armed with my list and a toy train to keep him occupied, I felt well prepared that we’d get through this shopping in a breeze. My son was happily making train sounds while I was focused on my list and the task at hand.

Was he being loud, yes, a little. Was he disturbing the peace? No, I don’t think so. Was he happy? YES…so… I was too. We even passed a few smiling faces down the aisles, picking up our goods. One woman even cooed…oh, he’s so cute. Yes he is, thank you (I thought).

Almost done and no tears, no whining, no complaining…just train sounds (woo..woo..all aboard!). We stopped to pick up some yogurt and apparently startled a woman contemplating between dannon and yoplait. “Oh my”, she exclaimed and seeing as we had startled her, I asked my son to lower his voice…see I’m sensitive to that.

But the train sounds continued, much to this woman’s dismay who then turned to her friend and loudly said, “that is so annoying”. Okay, I turned to walk away because as anyone who knows me will attest to, I do not like confrontations. But, I stopped, blood boiling, trying to remain calm and felt compelled to reply, “I’m sorry, please do no not talk to my son that way”. I don’t know what I expected her to say but she remained firm and replied “well, it’s loud and annoying”. I retorted with “he’s three years old and making train sounds for goodness sake!”

We both turned our separate ways, I wasn’t sure I had conveyed the right message to my son. I was still a little shaky from having had that confrontation. But it got me thinking…who was in the right? Here I was a mother with two young children just trying to get the grocery shopping done and to me, it seemed to be going smoothly. To her, we were a nuisance…“loud and annoying”.

So you see, can’t kids just be kids anymore? I try to respect other people’s need for quiet and privacy, however, we were not at the library, church, fancy restaurant, or some other place they frown upon when kids walk in. We were in a grocery store for heavens sake and all I really wanted to say was this: " geez lady, do you really need quiet while picking out your yogurt?" Apparently, she did.

So tell me, what do you think? Has our society become more intolerant to the “sounds” of children? Have you ever had a confrontation when someone thought your child was being too loud, if so, what did you do?

Melissa is a pediatrician turned stay at home Mom who is realizing that parenting rarely plays out like in the text books. She is enjoying this journey through parenthood and all the unexpected surprises that come along with it.

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140 Comments

Hi Mama-
I would have been so grateful to shop near your choo chooing son. Many times I am in the store and while I expect noise from kids, I can't quite handle the screaming over not getting a candy bar or the hitting and fighting between siblings. And it really bothers me when a parent doesn't step in. I do not expect quiet, though. They can laugh, talk to each other, and if they are younger, make all the noises in the world to their hearts happiness and delight. Why? Because they are kids...

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I get letting kids be kids, but within reason. I have sensitive hearing (and five boys to boot, I wear a lot of ear plugs) so it's hard for me with different pitches in voices, I can tolerate a full-fledged temper tantrum better than a happy higher pitched play sound. And it's not that I don't like kids being happy, but it feels like someone is ramming a needle in my ear over and over. I have to shop, and while I try to scootch away quickly, it's not always easy...

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geeesh! its a grocery store not a spa! that women sounds RUDE. and i agree with people outloud when they tell me my kid is cute :)

I hear ya! My husband was grocery shopping with my 6-year-old. She was having a great time talking about products, what her favorites were - definitely not screaming or even yelling. A cranky old woman told my husband he should keep my daughter quiet. I won't write how he responded because I'd be censored. LOL We always gets smiles when she's around, and wonderful comments, so this was quite shocking...

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I have read all of the comments and I have to say that all of the remarks are related to keeping the child happy and not a bother to the parent. First of all, the parent should choose wisely where to allow their children to emote and disturb. Making your problem everyones problem shows that you do not care if your childs behavior is rude, and distruptive with many exuses and show that they will grow up not know how to interreact with society and they too will think any behavior is acceptable...

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During my years of teaching middle school, I noticed a trend in volume. It was getting louder each year. I have also noticed that restaurants aren't quiet anymore. The music is louder and that makes the talking voices louder, too. We (society) seem to constantly have some device in or near our ears and not to mention car radios, that have amped up our "normal" volume.
I too find myself shushing our kids when we go out to eat, or the library...

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Everyone needs to see to be respectful of each other. Being on the defensive helps no one especially the child. If the 2 adults can't come to a compromise the child sees the reaction that his behavior caused. We need to teach our children to be responsible and tolerant members of society. Back to the basics that have been lost in this ME society.

I think you have said it all very well. You have every right to say something back to her, she had no problem speaking her mind, right? I like the suggestion from Marjorie, of making train sounds with your son as you were going down the aisle, that would have been awesome...

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I totally agree with you and good for you for saying something! Last month I was on Amtrak with my two kids, 2 and 4 and they were coloring and happily singing On Top of Spaghetti. Not in their most quiet voice, mind you, but also not loudly. I thought that this was quite good bahavior for kids theie age, but then had two men loudly complaining about how they should bring headphones next time and one of them kept looking at me and shaking his head...

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We have a wonderful two & half Year old little boy who is generally well mannered and a nice lil guy. Oneday we were eating at Buca de bepo (an italian joint) at downtown Indy ...my little guy was a bit loud with his voice and spoons and forks. This resturant is generally a loud n noisy place.WE have been there number of times...

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I used to have this problem with my 22 year old son, when he was young. He is 6'8" tall and was always very large for his age. In public people always wanted him to act his size! He also was deaf prior to surgery to correct a defect, so this was a challenge as well. When he was 2, he was the size of a 4 year old...

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It didn't occur to me how anti-family and children our society had become until I moved to a country that is much mote supportive of families (Demmark). I was there for a year and, while there are kids out in public all over the place, I never saw a tantrum (or even a slightly unhappy kid) until my last week there. This is a shocking sight after a year of happy baby sounds. I realized that the unhappy little guy wasn't Danish when his dad started to talk to him. So, yes we are intolerant...

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I love the sounds of a happy child or one who is freely expressing themselves (unless it's a tantrum), what is often disturbing is when a child is just being a child and either their caregiver is even louder attempting to control them when they are only annoying them from some invalid origin, or outright telling them to SHUT UP, often including profanity. This is child abuse, and tolerated in public far too often. This is where 'it takes a village'...

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I think society is less tolerant of children's sounds than adults. I used to bring my little one to my office meetings...then I was asked not to since sometimes she talked to me during. Mind you there were plenty of ADULT side conversations going on as well, they were never addressed, but I have not been to an office meeting for over a year since I now have another child and he is not welcome even when sleeping.....but I do all my business with him along, he is non separating.

I have 5 kids (4 boys), who are mostly generally behaved. I don't let mine run around or be crazy or rude. That said, am I the only parent who's well behaved kids seem to singled out by a frustrated (rude?) adult for a slight infraction when just across from these same people are other children who are rude and obnoxious, and throwing tantrums?

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