Photo by: Renée Peterson Trudeau

Relationships Are Hard?

Photo by: Renée Peterson Trudeau

I was nervous about writing this post.

While I’m quite forthcoming and like to “keep it real” when I share about the challenges and ups and downs in my life, talking about my relationship with my husband is very different terrain.

My parents divorced at age 48 after 26 years of marriage and 7 kids. Both sets of my grandparents have been through a divorce, my brother—who I am very close to—divorced after 14 years of marriage. And, the couple I idolized in college also divorced after 20 something years of marriage and 4 kids.

My internal dialogue throughout my twenties and much of my thirties was “Relationships are hard and you don’t really have any great models for how to be in relationship so you’ll probably never be very successful in this area."

Can anyone relate?

A week ago, my husband and I took our first extended trip alone together since our son was born to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. We went to Big Sur, CA and the trip was really phenomenal (you can view our photos here).

The scenery was stunning, but what was most amazing to me during this trip, was my realization of how much I have changed in the last 10 years – around how I view my husband, myself, our partnership and the whole concept of marriage.

One morning we were hiking down a beautiful sandy trail at Andrew Molera State Park on the Central Coast of CA. We were headed towards the ocean and were the only people on a beautiful, quiet, sandy path.

As I often do when hiking in nature and contemplating life, I asked my husband some “thinker” questions about his current life stage. He paused for a while, shared and then I waited a bit to see if he’d reciprocate and ask me the same questions.

He didn’t.

And I was fine. Really, I was quite OK.

Ten years ago, I would have been irritated, hurt and probably angry for hours at his “perceived” insensitivity.

Today, I know three things that changed how I viewed this experience:

1. My beloved is an introvert. He likes to really sit with and chew on things. His internal world is vast, rich and when I throw out an introspective question, he needs time and space to digest it.

2. We don’t need to talk about everything OR go back and forth around a topic to enjoy intimacy. Often our most intimate moments are found in silence.

3. I don’t need my husband to make me feel complete or whole. I know who I am. I am in touch with my needs. And, if something is really important to me, I have no problem bringing it up and exploring it with him. And, he’s always receptive to listening.

I almost felt giddy at this realization as we continued along in silence towards the waves and I let John sit with his thoughts, while I sat with mine. (I did share this ah-ha moment with him later and he felt horrible for not creating more of a dialogue with me until I explained that I wasn’t upset.)

Relationships are hard? Yes, sometimes they are. But how well equipped are we when we show up at the dance? One of my mentors used to say we’re all going to face our same issues over and over again no matter who we’re married to, so just pick your partner and do-si-do!

I’ve noticed as I have become more self-aware, more compassionate, more loving towards myself and more attuned to my needs, my partnership has evolved and shifted.

Showing up in the relationship with a full cup rather than a half-empty one seems to significantly change the dynamics.

I certainly don’t have the answers when it comes to making a marriage work.

I still find that cultivating a deeply, evolved, committed relationship is not for the faint at heart and it takes everything I have to be present with my partner day in, day out. And, it continues to be the single most challenging aspect of my life, hands down!

But I also know it’s worth it. And being in a close, connected partnership where you support and hold the highest and best for each other, has been rewarding beyond compare.

I just read a wonderful new book by relationship therapists Linda and Charlie Bloom called Secrets of Great Marriages. It’s an anthology of personal stories from 27 couples, all of whom have been married for 15 years or longer. One of the insights many couples shared that stayed with me, is the reoccurring theme that one of the best things you can do to deepen and strengthen your marriage is to know and love yourself. And to make sure your needs are met before trying to support your partner.

Sounds like I just might be on the right track. Or at least beginning to create my own model for what a meaningful, healthy relationship feels like to me. I’ll keep you posted.

P.S. If you want to explore this theme some more, I’ve listed a few of my favorite relationship resources at the end of the chapter on Staying Connected to Your Partner in my book The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal.

Renée Peterson Trudeau is a nationally-recognized career/life balance coach, president of Career Strategists and the author of the award-winning The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal: How to Reclaim, Rejuvenate and Re-Balance Your Life. Thousands of women around the U.S./Canada are joining and becoming trained to lead Personal Renewal Groups based on the Guide, as a way to enhance balance and well-being in their lives.

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45 Comments

Love this! Today, I'm celebrating my 8th wedding anniversary and I've had similar ah-ha moments. Relationships are tough, but i'm finding that the more I KNOW me, the more I can see HIM.

We can't mold people into what we want them to be, we CAN appreciate them for being the BEST them they can be. And my hubby does that.

Thanks for the post.

vk

Thank you for this and for the honesty. It reaffirms for me how important it is to take care of me "first" not just so I am able to be present for my partner but also to encourage him to fill his cup first.

Loved your openness around this topic. It really spoke to my heart and was such a good reminder of how important it is to make time not only for your relationship but for yourself too. It's so easy to get caught up in taking care of everyone else but I find I'm more loving and kind to my spouse (and can show up & be more present with him) when I've taken care of me too!

Been with my guy for 24 years now. You know that saying about roses having thorns? Well, what a great metaphor for long-term relationships. In the beginning it's intoxicatingly romantic, but as time goes on you notice there's thorns in the bouquet. The good news is that the thorns have taught me so much about myself, and I like who I've become because of this relationship...

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Thanks for your thoughts on this topic--I think the more we all share from a place of authenticity and vulnerability, the more connected and less alone we feel around this topic. I still think relationships with our beloveds are one of the most challenging aspects of being human!

I have been blessed with parents who have been together nearly 25 years, grandparents who have been together over 50 years and grandparents who were together until death, but I noticed upon graduating high school and through the duration of my collegiate experience that many of the couples I grew up around and looked up to were divorcing. I struggle with the thought you shared, but am comforted to read about how you treat your relationship with your husband...

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Realising that your man is an introvert and needs to consider his thoughts in his 'cave' is a real eye opener. I allows you the opportunity to breathe and nor feel he doesn't love you cos he's not talking / validating you immediately.. It's a refeshing realisation, or it was for me !!

As the wife to an introvert as well, we've had many discussions around this topic and at first it was a painful realization that we were so different, but now I'm grateful for our differences in the way we think and communicate because it has opened me up to be more understanding and appreciative of others, and it has also helped me realize "happiness depends on ourselves" (Aristotle)...

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My aha moment came early on in my marriage. Just about two months after the wedding, I fell into a snit, and funny how I couldn't really remember what it was all about. So after dinner I decided to give my brand new husband the famous silent treatment. I had thought he would notice it since I was, and remain to be, the articulate one of the partnership. So instead of immediately cuddling up, I went downstairs to the living room and moped...

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A good book to read
Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User's Guide for Women
by David Zinczenko.
Me-Married 10 years

Thanks for making me think about this stuff.

I have been married for almost 14 years. My parents were married 52 years before my Dad passed away. There were times we all wished they would divorce, but they were way to stuborn! and it worked out great for them in the end.

I think the biggest thing I have learned so far, is to state my needs. Which totally relates to your statement about knowing your self.

For example, I have done big things in my life...

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Wow, I was just thinking how I've changed (my husband too) in our 21 years of marriage. NOONE, and I mean not even me would have gambled that we would still be together. He finally got "free" over 5 yrs ago from drugs and alcohol that nearly ripped our marriage and home apart. (2 kids, now 17 & 20) One thing that made me stay was the fact that my parents exhibited much strength and character in their relationship, of 37 yrs before my dad passed...

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Thank you all for your posts. Its been a while since I've been checking on here and today was a great day to do so. My husband travels 8-9 months out of the yr. And we sure do hit our rough patches. He can b gone from 2 days to. 40 days. With two kids and works life and get away from me real fast. I have learned to asked for help,and to take one moment at a time. The biggest thing i had to get past was not to get mad at him bc he was gone...

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You are right on the mark here. I have five sisters. Three have been married to their husbands for 20 plus years (one for 26), one has been married 18 years, one is divorced and very sad after the 13 years of marriage (and a beautiful daughter) and I have been married almost 13 years. We have all done a pretty good job. My parents set a wonderful example with their 39 year marriage...

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I found this write up interesting until I got to the plug about your book. Too bad. Oh well. I don't find my 17+ year marriage to my husband hard, I find it fun, rewarding, memorable and him amazing. Of course we have our discussions about the usually suspects: money, family, etc. Our relationship was easy from the beginning and I don't really know why, but we click, we laugh. We've been called "simple people" but we are anything but simple...

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