I Loved My Husband So Much I Divorced Him

I am often met with disbelief when I say I love my ex-husband. People either assume that we’re going to get back together or say it’s weird to be as close to an ex as I am. We aren’t going to get back together, but we will be in each other’s lives forever because we have two kids together. And after loving and growing up with someone for fifteen years, not to mention going through childbirth twice, the death of a mother, and many other life changing experiences, how could I close the door entirely on the relationship? I couldn’t, nor could he, and I am grateful that we both realized we didn’t have to. It is my love for my ex that propelled me to divorce him, another statement that confounds people. We couldn’t be who we really wanted to be when married to one another and we couldn’t break our bad patterns. I remember saying to him one day, “I am starting to hate you and I can’t bear that to ever happen. I need you to move out so I can stop resenting you.”

As soon as we separated, things improved. We liked one another again, had lengthy phone conversations several times a week, and people kept commenting on how relaxed and great we both looked. “Did you go to Hawaii?” they’d ask. “No,” I’d respond. “We’re getting divorced.” We didn’t hire lawyers, but were able to very civilly, and quite quickly decide who would take which possessions, how we would divide our money, and how we would split our time with the kids. Although we still got along well and still loved one another, I knew it was over and wanted to make sure the entire family was clear on that. I would be friendly, but would refuse his offer of a beer and chat when I picked the kids up from his home and always tried to keep the conversation limited to the kids and their activities or the divorce papers. He questioned this several times and said he didn’t understand why I needed to be so cold, to which I probably said, “I don’t care.” I was worried that the kids would get their hopes up about us getting back together if they saw us laughing and carrying on, so I was civil, but cold.

But the thing about becoming divorced is you not only lose your husband, you lose your best friend. Very few, if any, people know me like he does and vice versa. I began to wonder if being cold was really best for my kids. I knew it wasn’t what I nor my ex wanted. I asked my kids if they thought their dad and I were going to get back together and they looked at me as if I were crazy. “No, you’re divorced.”

Technically, the divorce wasn’t final, but in all of our minds, yes, we were divorced. With my conscience cleared of not confusing my kids, I began to converse freely again with my ex. We started with work stories, but quickly moved on to dating stories, seeing as that was the new and bewildering component of our lives. And within a month, I found myself saying, “I really think you should call her again. I can tell you like her more than any of the other woman, so it’s worth it to put yourself out there again.” A divorced friend was with me when I said this and she couldn’t keep her jaw off the floor. “You’re encouraging him to date other woman?” she asked. “Aren’t you jealous?” “No. I want him to be happy. That’s why we got divorced.” “But what if he has children with her.” “I just gave him an extra pack of condoms I had, so I don’t think that’s going to happen.” “Wow,” is all she could say.

My ex and I can be there for one another in so many ways that we couldn’t while married. When I had a fight with my mother, I called him. And rather than taking my mother’s side, as he would have done while we were married, he shared my outrage and said, “I’m going to call your mom and tell her she’s being unreasonable.” I talked him out of doing so, being adamantly against triangulation, but appreciated the offer nonetheless. I share my positive book reviews with him and brag about having stories published and although he could never say it when we were married, he now can say, “I am proud of you. It’s amazing that you stayed with you’re writing for all of these years and now it’s paying off. Congratulations.”

I can even tell him how I was dumped and once again, he knows what to say. “That guy was lucky to have you and he blew it.” I know at some point he, or I, may have a partner that is not comfortable with our arrangement. And by then, maybe I won’t need to rely on my ex as much or maybe I’ll tell that new partner, “Too bad. He’s always going to be in my life, so you can either get used to it or leave.” But for now, our current arrangement works wonderfully. My kids easily transport from each of our homes, always greeting both parents with huge hugs and never saying, “I don’t want to go.” They repeatedly tell us they like it better now, “because you don’t fight anymore and are fun to be with.” And as for my ex and I, we are finally where I wanted us to be for years. Our confidence in ourselves is back, we’re taking risks at work and emotionally where we never would have felt comfortable doing so a year ago, and we are communicating again after years of stony silences. By getting divorced, I didn’t lose my husband. I actually got him back.

Corbin Lewars is the author of the memoir Creating a Life (Catalyst Book Press, 2010) and the sexy mommy-lit book Swings (out for submission). She is the creator of the zine Reality Mom and her work has been featured in Mothering, Hip Mama, mamaphiles, Midwifery Today and other print and on line journals. She lives in Seattle with her two children.