FOLLOW UP: Three Reasons to Stop Spanking Kids
Editor’s Note: Last Sunday we ran a post by Dr. Luisa titled: Three Reasons to Stop Spanking Kids. It received an enormous response with over 120 comments. Indeed, there was a wide range of opinions on the topic. Dr. Luisa asked if she could provide a response to some of the questions and comments, and we agreed. Mamapedia is in no way endorsing one opinion over another, simply providing a place for dialogue and discussion.
This post is written in an effort to clarify some of the questions and concerns raised in my recent blog featured on Mamapedia titled Three Reasons to Stop Spanking Kids. Below are a few of the more common, constructive misconceptions:
1. NO SPANKING DOES NOT EQUAL NO DISCIPLINE.
When I suggested not spanking your children, I did not mean to imply you should simply let them run amuck and turn into “spoiled brats.” Children most certainly thrive in structured environments where there are clear expectations, rules, and consequences. Spanking is a form of punishment, and there are many alternatives to spanking which serve the same purpose; disciplining the child.
2. SPANKING IS DIFFERENT THAN CHILD ABUSE
As previously stated, spanking and other forms of physical punishment are perfectly legal means of discipline in many states, as long as parents do not leave injuries on their children. So no, spanking is not child abuse. The issue with spanking is that it’s an emotional response. Usually when we get physical, we’re emotional. Imagine being perfectly calm, collected, and non-emotional and spanking your child… or getting into a physical fight with another adult while non-emotional. Nine times out of ten, it just doesn’t happen. When we’re emotional, we tend to make decisions based on feelings rather than logic, and we’re much more likely to get out of control and do or say something we’ll regret.
The other problem with spanking is that it doesn’t teach or model positive, alternative behavior. I was spanked occasionally as a child. One time it was because I bit a little boy I was playing with who wouldn’t share his crayons. Did I know after that not to bite other kids? Yes, because I was afraid of being spanked again. However, did I know what to do instead of biting when someone wouldn’t share? Nope. I was three-years-old and had absolutely no social reasoning skills. Skillful behavior is modeled and is learned over time. It takes patience and practice. If you want a quick result, spank your child, but don’t expect him or her not to hit others as a means of solving problems.
3. TIME-OUTS DO NOT WORK FOR ALL CHILDREN
Indeed! Some children truly enjoy time-outs. One of the key components in determining effective consequences for your child is learning what is aversive to him or her, as in not positively reinforcing. For some children, sitting alone in a quiet corner is quite enjoyable. Others avoid it at all costs. The trick is to find something your child cannot stand so he or she will be less likely to repeat the negative behavior due to the aversive consequence that awaits. Here are a few of my favorite parenting resources, which give in-depth examples of alternative consequences for both spanking and time-out:
The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child, by Alan E. Kazdin, Ph.D.
Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition) by Foster Cline & Jim Fay
4. YOU KNOW YOUR CHILD BEST
No one knows your child better than you do. And anyone who pretends to, is probably using smoke and mirrors. As a child psychologist, I possess clinical expertise and knowledge. I know the research and I help give people the facts. I also can tell people what’s worked for other families, and what’s been a total flop. In my practice, I assist parents in learning skillful behaviors when they’re feeling lost, and I help them become more confident, effective parents. And I never pretend to know their child better than they do.
Bottom line, parenting is difficult and every kid is different. But I think we can all agree that at the end of the day we want the same thing – happy, healthy, well-adjusted kids.
Harmony At Home is a blog designed to provide parents with easy access to professional advice on parenting and child mental health. It is also a chance for readers to get to know me, Dr. Luisa. Dr. Luisa works collaboratively with you and your children to achieve parenting confidence, family happiness, and peace of mind. She is a licensed clinical psychologist who has been helping children and families for over ten years. Her blog is the gateway for Harmony At Home, her business that offers convenient, professional parent and family coaching via phone and email. Harmony At Home also provides in-home therapeutic services for children and families in the Denver/Boulder metro area.
