A Step by Step Guide for Women Wearing Jeans

The most difficult thing that a woman has to do to get ready for the day happens in her closet. On a good day, we may get to wear athletic pants or a maxi dress (the best thing EVER invented as far as I am concerned). But on other days you are required to wear the wardrobe staple of women around the world. Jeans.

Just the word alone probably caused some anxiety. You see, women understand what this means. For those of you who don’t? Let me explain. When all of the other prep-work is done, the shaving, the makeup, the plucking and primping, it is time to get dressed. This is where the real work begins.

It starts with taking a deep breath and entering the closet. You know what lies ahead and you must be cool as steel. You stand in front of the categorized rows of denim scrutinizing the options. Women have two main categories of jeans: fancy and every day. But within these categories, you have subcategories, and it is MOST IMPORTANT not to pick from the wrong subcategory for that particular day.

There are three basic subcategories: Jeans that fit always, jeans that fit mostly, and ones you would need a miracle of biblical proportions to fit into. These are known by women around the world as “The Skinny Jeans.” They are like hanging shrines in closets everywhere laden with the hopes that one day we will wear them again. So that leaves the jeans that fit mostly, or your comfy jeans. Now don’t mistake comfy to mean comfortable. This just means on most days we can pull these off and not feel TOO tortured. Lastly, you have your other widely known subcategory, “The Fat Jeans.” These are for days when you are having “that time” or had a big Mexican supper… three days in a row.

Standing there, looking at the line, the most important thing is to choose wisely because once you do, you are committed.

You remove the jeans from the hanger. If any children enter the room, NOW is the time to escort them out. NO child should have to watch what is about to go down. You hold the jeans up, looking them over, making absolute sure that these are the ones for the day. Then you count to five and here we go!

First you slip one foot in, then the other. By the time you get the jeans past your knees, you have a pretty good feel of how this is going to play out. I have, at times stopped right here and realized that I had made a mistake. If jeans are feeling questionable at your knees you do NOT want to approach the thighs. I repeat, unless you want to ruin your entire day, DO NOT APPROACH THE THIGHS.

Assuming everything was good around the knees, next comes the thighs. Slowly pull the jeans up one tug at a time, alternating sides. Be sure NOT to leave any slack at the thighs because trust me, you are going to need that slack later. Once you have both sides even and smooth, it is time for the real battle royal.

The backside, behind, bottom, derriere, fanny, hindquarters, moneymaker, rump, the GLUTEUS MAXIMUS! THIS, my friend, is where you had better hope you have some upper arm strength and great lung capacity because you are going to need both.

We all know the wiggly motion. The only way to get jeans over the hump is with a lot of motion. You grab the waistband with both hands, pull one side up, then the other, alternating back and forth. All the while you are moving your body in ways that your grandmother would NEVER approve. It takes a lot of tugging and squirming, pulling and stuffing. Then it will happen… you will have the largest part of your hips actually inside the pants! Yea!!! Hold on though…you are far from done.

For those of you who have had babies, you know what is coming next: the muffin top. That extra skin that develops after pregnancy that no matter what you do will JUST.NOT.GO.AWAY. You have to get as much of that as you can into those jeans. It is kind of like tucking in a shirt except it is your SKIN. Please remember though, unless you are wearing high-wasted mom jeans, you aren’t going to get it ALL inside there. You can only ask so much from denim. Accepting this from the start will make it much easier to swallow.

Now, brace yourself. This is where real women are separated from little girls. It is time button your jeans.

Why do they use a button fly you ask? Because I don’t think a snap closure would hold in all of my…uhhh…awesomeness?

You may want to take a minute to collect your thoughts because this is THE defining moment. If you can pull this off, without passing out, then it is going to be a good day. You take a gigantic breath moving your lungs as far away from your stomach as humanly possible. Then you do three quick jumps to make sure the jeans are as far up as they can go because they must be at the skinniest part of your waste or this will never work. Then without any regard for the flesh on your fingers, you stuff that button into that hole. Without stopping you pull the zipper all the way to the top. We all know women who have confessed to using pliers or a wire hanger during this procedure. That’s okay. Whatever it takes.

Now you exhale for the first time in five minutes and take in a small breath because at this point, a large breath could blow that button fly wide open. They still feel incredibly uncomfortable. Why? Because you are not done. There is one more thing you must do. I personally recommend thee three moves:
1. A rapid fire succession of squats. This will confuse the jeans. Am I standing? Am I sitting? Now I just don’t know?
2. Next, bend over and touch the floor. This will loosen the waist.
3. Finally, three Karate kicks on each leg. These will help pull any remaining slack up to your thighs.

NOW you are done!

You have won! You are the victor. You look at your fat jeans hanging up there and laugh. You look at your skinny jeans hanging there and wink. I am coming for you next time. Then you sashay out of that closet effortlessly. No one has to know what just occurred in there because look how good you look? Lord have mercy, baby’s got her blue jeans on.

Tonja used to live in the grown up world, but now she has a husband, four kids and a princess dog. She refuses to lose her sanity, or herself. If she’s going to be the mother of four, she’ll do it in great shoes. You can read more about Tonja’s hilarious escapades on her blog. You can also find her Facebook. and collecting virtual shoes on Pinterest.