Don't Ask, Tell

I no longer ask my kids to be responsible.

“Tyler can you put your clothes away, please?” I ask, although I don’t know why I even bother. I know the clothes will just stay there right in the nice pile on the bed where I left them folded, until ultimately they wind up getting knocked to the floor where eventually, after a day or so of walking past and sighing, I will pick them up and put them in his drawers.

It happens time and time again. For years, I convinced myself they were too young to really understand responsibility. I would excuse their behavior, and make the ultimate mom mistake by taking the easy way out and just doing it for them.

Then I had a few wake-up calls.

It started back in kindergarten when the teacher told Tyler he needed to zip his own coat. He responded with, “But you do it so much better!”

When I wanted Michael, my 7 year-old, to accompany me into Target to pick out a beanbag seat that he lobbied for, he barely glanced up from his Kindle to remark, “You do it. I’ll just stay here.”

When I asked Julius, my 5 year-old, to help me pick up the toys he scattered from his room all the way to the neighbor’s yard, he moaned, “But it’s going to take soooo looooong” until the job was pretty much done. He’s a smart one. They all are.

So how come they have such a dumb mother? For years, I made their irresponsibility okay when I put on their shoes because they were lazy; put their dishes in the sink because they were busy; picked up their crap; waitressed snacks; reminded them to do their homework; found their lost school books; packed their back packs…you name it, I nagged about it and then did it myself.

It wasn’t like I totally abandoned ship. I tried. I mean I initiated a number of highly praised reinforcements for positive behavior. There was:

The Responsibility Chart –The Melissa and Doug magnetic board with all these cute magnets for brushing teeth or feeding the cat.

The Ticket system – Used a tissue instead of your sleeve? Get a ticket. Used a fork instead of your hands? Get a ticket! Get enough tickets, get a prize!

Allowance – Here my boys earned weekly money for doing seemingly simple tasks, like waking up for school, getting themselves dressed and brushing their teeth. Yeah, it’s that easy to earn a buck in my house. And yet, they couldn’t pull it off. Hmmm…

“Be a Star” – Get your star to the top of this chart, you receive a ‘reward.’ Hit the bottom, you receive a ‘punishment.’ On your mark, get set, GO!

Points! – An intricate system where points are given for certain tasks and good behavior. If you get enough points, you win something. Do three bad things, you lose your points for the week. On paper, this was great. In action, it was point-less.

Nothing seemed to work. Except me, that is. I assessed my attempts and realized that all those systems are really just bribery ‘prettied up’ to seem psychologically and socially acceptable. ‘Cause saying, “Kid, clean your room and I’ll give you five bucks” doesn’t play well anymore. It’s not the 70’s (sigh).
And that’s when it hit me.

Why was I asking my kids to clean up? Why was I asking them to do anything? And what was with all those rewards?

So, here’s the new system in our house, in action.

“Tyler, put your clothes away.”

No bells or whistles. No prizes or points. I no longer ask, I tell. Don’t ask, tell. It works.

Alisa is a SAHM to three delicious boys. She loves reading, staying active, eating ice cream (sometimes up to twice a day!), and writing for her blog, Ice Scream Mama.