But Why?

Four-year-old twins had their first trip to IHOP recently. This was a family outing with extended relatives and grandparents.

I often remind parents that the world looks vastly different to kids than it does to us. There is so much that we take for granted because we’ve seen it a thousand times before. But, we easily forget that what we so take for granted is completely new, and often confusing to kids. Imagine for a moment, that YOU are 4 years old and, for the first time ever, you are taking a trip to IHOP.

The twins noticed pitchers of syrup on the table. This is a curiosity. At home, there’s a table where we eat meals with the family. But there are no pitchers of syrup on the table at home. Why would there be pitchers of syrup on this table? And who put them here? Are they always there? Did they put them there especially for us? Will someone come to take them away? Whose pitchers are they? Are we allowed to use them? What are we supposed to do with the syrup? Why are there so many pitchers? We only have one kind of syrup at home. What if I don’t want syrup? What if I want ketchup? These pitchers are unlike anything I’ve seen before. They’re black and sticky. And, if I hold them up, I can see inside a bit. Syrup looks a bit like water. I like playing with water. I like pouring water over things. I wonder if pouring syrup is like pouring water. Now my hands are sticky… and so is my brother. Mmmm…

As a parent, you undoubtedly are also able to imagine the scene. Two toddlers reaching for sticky pitchers of disaster, refusing to sit still, loudly asking an endless series of questions all beginning with the word “why” and a mother praying that her kids manage to keep it together just through this one meal.

These are the moments when we adults lose our cool. We believe this kind of behavior is disruptive, immature, disrespectful and impolite. If an adult were to behave in this way, we would certainly have something to say about it. However, what we so easily forget is that, for a child, this kind of behavior is NOT negative. In fact, on the contrary, this is EXACTLY what a toddler should be doing. The job of a toddler (and really any child) is to learn, to explore and to figure out how to engage in this world. It’s our job to facilitate that learning. However, when we mistake learning for disrespect and disruption we miss out on what we teachers like to call “teachable moments”. We also increase our own frustration levels and fault ourselves for being unable to control our kids.

So, here are 3 things to keep in mind when there’s a toddler in your world.
1) Recognize that toddler behavior is not just a case of “they don’t know any better”. Rather, they are doing precisely what they do best.
2) Give forethought to the places where you take your kids. How will this new environment suit them? Just as you would not expect a bull to calmly and gracefully stroll around a china shop, you need to take kids to places where they can do what they do best: explore.
3) Always prepare a child for a new environment. By giving kids details ahead of time about what they can expect, you are providing them with information that they can use. When we get there, you will see … You will be able to … I will … Engage them in the dialogue. See if they have questions. And, when you arrive in a new place, point out the things you discussed and expected to see.

Kids are not small adults. They are not yet conditioned to prioritize etiquette. Their zest for life remains in tact and their love of learning has not yet been squashed. Embrace that. Celebrate it. There will be plenty of time to for them to conform later. For now, just try to enjoy the sticky fingers.

Gila Brown, M.A. is a Child Development Expert and Parent Coach, with over 15 years of experience working with children. She specializes in parenting school-age children with grace, using principles of attachment parenting, positive discipline and effective communication. Visit www.GilaBrown.com to get a copy of her free CD “Help! My Kids Just Won’t Listen”.