I am struggling with how the young teens these days think having sex is "just something they all do."
We are a christian home and our kids have been raised knowing write from wrong. Morals and value have always been put into place since they were very little. As the kids get older you try to give them their independence and trust they will make good choices in their lives as they are faced with peer pressure.
My daughter who is 14 has recently had sex with her boyfriend. This was a blow to my heart because we have worked so hard to communicate the importance of being pure for when you get married. In talking with my daughter and some of her friends, they say that sex really isn't that big of a deal. It's just something they do. Drinking is also just something they do.
How can we as parents keep our kids safe without having to lock them in a closet for their own good?
How can parents fight highschool peer pressure when you feel you have been doing a good job raising your child?
I'm sorry, but I think locking her in a closet is a GOOD idea. It sounds like peer pressure from the wrong kind of friends. I have a 14 yr old boy and heaven help him if he gets caught drinking or having sex. I know all of the parents of his friends, and they keep a watchful eye on them as I do. 1st I would call the boyfriend's parents and put an end to that, and then I would not let her out of the house until she could prove to be responsible enough to have extra-curricular activities that do not include alcohol and sex.
This is a really tough subject and I'm not the parent of a teenager yet, but I was a teenager myself just a few years ago and I can see how your daughter is thinking. Everyone around her is having sex and drinking, which is pretty true. There are a lot worse things they are doing as well.
I'm curious to know how you found out about your daughter's first sexual experience...did she come right out and tell you? If so, it may not seem good right now, but it is. She trusts you enough to tell you something so private. You're not going to be able to stop her from doing it again, but you can protect her. It's time for a visit to planned parenthood or another caregiver, birth control, condom, STD, HIV education at home. Don't count on the schools to properly explain all this. I know you may be thinking that by getting her on a birth control just condones sexual activity but in reality it doesn't. Had my parents taken the time with me to do so, I wouldn't have had my first pregnancy at 16/17.
The best advice I can offer based on my own experiences, keep the lines of communication open, no matter how uncomfortable the subject may get.
Mom, these days are way differebt than ours. Peer pressure is what gets them into situations they are not ready for. To me, you as a parent has done what you were suppose to do, teach them the Lords ways and hope it sinks in. Now, she is responsible for her own actions and will suffer the consequences. One, she won't marry a virgin, tow, she has gone against the Lord, three, she puts herself at risk for STD's. You've talked to her, she heard youu. Make sure she is protected and stress the point of having more than one partner and her reputation
i know this may sound so messed up...and you may not want to read this...but, at least you know your daughter had sex...alot of parents don't know...it's scary as hell, trust me, i know. but what i had to do was talk to my daughter about sex and things to look for, things to watch out for and how to protect herself from std's and diseases. i had to teach her about respecting herself and her body. i hated talking about it to her, but i know i had to or otherwise she was going to learn it from the streets, and that's even scarier. you've done well with teaching good morals and values, but sex is apart of life, has been since the beginning of time, and it's not going anywhere no time soon, so you gotta start making sure she protects herself, physically, mentally and emotionally. now it's time to start teaching her how to be a respectable young lady who loves herself first and not fall all over the next boy that say's she's cute...i wish you the best in all that you do, and i hope that you have a good moral conversation with your young lady...( not your baby)
My question would be where was you daughter when this happened? And who is supplying alcohol to 14 year olds? I know that kids are going to do whatever they want regarless of what parents want, but still, 14 is so young. My parents always spoke with the parents whose house I was going to to make sure they would be home and supervising. I'm not saying it prevented sex forever, but it helped. I'm guessing since she's 14 you are driving her everywhere she is going, so go in and meet the parents or if its the movies, chaperone. It may make her miserable for a while, but she'll thank you later in life. Also, making her stay home for a while isn't the worst thing, it could be the best. I was raised in a Christian home also. My parents were devastated when they found out I was sexually active at 16 and grounded me for what seemed like forever. No phone, no leaving the house, nothing. They even took me out of the school I was attending. It seemed harsh and extreme at the time, but now that I am older I understand. Maybe from now on if she wants to spend time with friends it needs to be at your house under your supervision.
Another thing to really press upon you daughter is the risk of pregnancy. She needs to know that even if they are using protection it can happen and it will change her life FOREVER!!! Neither of them can support a child at this point, and odds are at 14 this is not the boy she is going to spend the rest of her life with. Having been a teenager not too long ago, I know that none of this is what your daughter wants to hear. She is going to fight you on it, but be strong. I was 18 when I got pregnant, and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Being grounded and taken out of my school paled in comparison to the devastation pregnancy caused my family. The effect is bigger than your daughter could ever imagine. Best of luck to you. You and your family will be in my prayers.
I was wondering also, did your daughter come and tell you or how did you find out it she was sexually active?? If she came to you at least that will make the communication easier regarding sex and all the things that can happen from it. Or that is my opinion anyway.
My parents NEVER talked about sex and i was lucky i didn't follow in the footsteps on my friend, whom all but 1 had at least 1 child by the time we graduated high school.
Do take her in for birth control and for her to get the CORRECT information about sex, etc...It doesnt mean you condone her having sex, you want her to have all the knowledge of what can happen, because we all know no matter what kids are going to do things we don't approve of (weren't we the same way at the age, thinking its not going to happen to us or what do our parents know, ha)
If you've instilled moral in her like you say, maybe she will wake up once she sees the consequences of early sex and hopefully hang with a different group of friends. I have a son who is 12 and he goes to NO ONES house unless i personally have already met the parents and know what goes on around their home. She may not like you meeting everyone's parents but stand your ground, if you don't meet them she doesnt go. Good luck and email if you have any other questions.
Ok, my advice will probably be a tad different. My kids are still very young so this is how I feel about the situation for the future. Talk with her to see if this is something she considers doing again. If so, then she needs information on birth control. Don't just talk to her about pregnancy risks though. Talk to her about STD's and also the one called HPV. I believe I read that 1 out of every 4 people including men, carry this virus. Most people not even knowing it. I found out with my 3rd pregnancy that I have it also. I'm sure you already know what it is but be sure to tell her there are FAR more risks than just having a baby! I had sex my first time at the age of 15. I REALLY wish I could go back into time and take it all back! Peer pressure is awful. Make sure to try and monitor the things she does and who she does them with. Pregnant and 14 is not a place she wants to be.
If in the future my daughter does the same thing and shrugs it off as nothing, then I will probably keep VERY close tabs on her. No unsupervised visits and I would have a sit down talk with her and the boyfriend together.
I would make sure not to yell or scream but be very matter-of-factly. The truth is very scary and the risks that go with under-age sex are frightning. Everyone makes mistakes. Some people learn from them. Hopefully she can be one of those people.
COMING FROM A CHRISTIAN HOME THEN YOU KNOW THAT THE FIRST THING TO DO IS PULL THE PLUG ON THE FRIENDS SHE IS HANGING WITH. BE PREPARED FOR WORLD WAR 3. YOU AS HER PARENT HAVE GOT TO BE THE TOUGH ONE AND STAND YOUR GROUND OR YOUR BABY WILL END UP LIKE SO MANY TEENS WE HEAR ABOUT. I HAVE A DAUGHTER WHO WILL BE 17 AND I AM VERY STRICT WITH HER. SHE IS STILL A VIRGIN AND I KEEP PRAYING SHE WILL REMAIN THAT WAY. GOD HAS TRULY BEEN MY SOURCE OF FAITH AND HE HAS HELOED ME RECOGONIZE ALL THE SIGNS OF WHERE SHE IS GOING SO THAT I AM AWARE OF IT. AS FOR DRINKING- SHE IS 14 AND SHOULD BE LOCKED IN HER ROOM AND FORCED TO GO TO A FEW ALATEN MEETINGS TO SEE WHERE DRINKING WILL LEAD HER. LIMIT HER FRIENDS TO ONLY THOSE IN CHURCH AND STAND YOUR GROUND. ALSO CONTACT THE OTHER PARENTS AND LET THEM KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON. THEIR LIVES COULD DEPEND ON IT.
There is a great book out there called How to help your child say no to the sexual pressure. It will help you deal with it biblically to help instill moral convictions. Reading that should be step 1. Good luck, God Bless and I will keep you in my prayers!!!
I don't have teenagers yet (and I'm dreading the days to come when they are teenagers!) but I am speaking as someone who had a child while i was still in high school. Unfortunately, sometimes there is little that you can do in the parental position that a teenager will listen to. If you know someone personally, or if there is someone your daughter trusts, that is/was a teen parent, or had a negative outcome from having sex before they were fully ready to, have them talk to your daughter with you there. Make sure she knows that you are there for her in case something did happen, but also make sure that she gets all information about STDs, pregnancy, date rape, etc. from someone who has personally had to deal with it. I'm not saying that a parent's input isn't valuable, because I know it is. But it is more valuable when reinforced with personal experience. Things in high school now are so much different even from when I was in school, which hasn't been that long ago. The pressures are constantly changing, and new things that parents aren't even aware of go on now. Don't beat yourself up, because it sounds like you have been doing a terrific job instilling values and morals in your kids. Limit or completely cut off contact with her friends right now, because she obviously isn't getting these ideas from home. She'll probably get mad and fight you on every issue, but you are protecting her from a life she doesn't want to lead. I could list countless events in my life that were caused by bad behavior (being a teen mom, my uncle passing from AIDS, a good friend dying in a wreck where the driver was doing drugs, etc.).Put your foot down and don't budge on it. This is an important family issue, and starting off at her early age, things could get so much worse. Good luck to you and your family, and God bless!
I have raised a boy and 2 girls and all I can tell you is to do the best you can and when they make bad decisions they have to pay the price. I taught mine right from wrong, think of other's feelings, all that stuff, but you also have to tell them they can come to you with anything at anytime and even if it's bad, you will be there for them. Tell them that they have a conscience and it's their gut feeling and to listen to it when making a serious decision (like having sex) and that they DON'T have to follow the crowd if it doesn't feel right to them. They are an independent person and they are the one who has to live with their decisions and actions. We all make mistakes and as parents we just teach them the best we can and set an example for them and hope that they will listen to us, but some things you just have to learn on your own. Keep communication open and talk to your kids about anything they want to talk about, even if it's not easy for you. They may act like they are mad or don't want to hear it, but I promise you, they will hear you and it will make a difference in their decisions. Good luck!
Just recently St.Louis has been said to be the city with the most STD's in the U.S. amoung teens. One thing I would do (since I don't have teens) would be take her one on one and talk to her about your concerns and make sure you let her know you are very dissappointed but through love, so she feels guilty in a good way. Just let her know that you just want her to save herself for when she gets married and how much joy she can have if she does save herself. Let her know that the atonment is very powerful. I myself made it as a vergin until I got married, by choice! I don't regreat it because now that I am married I have nothing to compare him to. Good luck and make sure you pray before you do anything!!
Definately take her to get birth control. I became a mother at 15 years old. My mother now has custody of my oldest daughter. I am 24 with 3 children now. One thing i was not forced to do was take sex ed, now my mother is thinking she should have made me. I don't really know what kind of advice to give in the situation,though I have been the teen. I think I just surrounded myself with the wrong crowd. Everyone was doing it and I think one thing that changed me was getting raped at 14, from hanging out with the wrong crowd. You need to make sure u always have a way to get ahold of her and know who she is with. Just be there and continue to talk to her. I wish I could help u with some better info. Good luck
Wow. My kids are still young and this is about #1 on my THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT list! I did have sex when I was young (15 to be exact). I KNOW how lucky I am that I did not have any consequences from that (other than my mother finding out which was about as horrible as I could've handled at the time.) That being said, I think you have done right by your child(ren) with instilling morals and values. It's true, we're having to let go of our kids younger and younger. No amount of punishing or grounding or locking up or taking friends away from her is going to diffuse the situation long term. Eventually, you have to let her out, you'll have to let her date, you'll have to let her pick her friends. My only advice to you is just be there as her mom and friend. I had no one but friends to talk to and teenage friends are NOT the right influence. I'd TALK to her about peer pressure and let her know she does NOT have to do what others do to fit in. If she feels that way, I'd simply suggest she find knew friends. I don't think force will get you anywhere. It will turn her against you and whatever kind of relationship you have with her you can kiss goodbye.
I am NOT saying be your kid's friend OVER being their parent. But when it comes to such extremely grown-up choices, the best thing you can do is be there and provide SOUND and logical advice, something she will NOT get from friends.
BE BLUNT. Don't beat around the bush. Talk to her about EVERYTHING and to hell with "embarassing" her by talking about it.
This is my 2 cents... it's the way I wish my mother had been with me anyway. I can't say for sure what I'll do when (and yes, it'll come) my kids get here... but for now this is my opinion. Honesty and maybe a some examples from some on this website or other people you know about will help. I happen to have a friend who got pregnant WHILE ON THE PILL so I STRONGLY advise telling her that will NOT prevent pregnancy ALONE (and it won't do anything about STD's of course.)
Open communication is the key. Let her know that you are there to answer questions about sex and relationships. Help her get on birth control. Tell her about planned parenthood so that she can get help if she is too scared to seek it from her parents. I personally think it's unreasonable in this day and age to expect young people to abstain from sex. It's in our human nature. It's best to educate them about it so that they don't get STD's and unwanted children. Good luck to you and your daughter.
Hey Rhonda ~ I was 15 when I first had sex. I also grew up in a christian home. How I wish I could go back in time and do things different, but if I did that then I would not have my son! I would love to talk to your daughter if you would like about what is like to have a child at 18. All the mess that goes with it! What a headace it has been. I would keep close tabs on her. Pop up unexpectedly to see if she is where she says she is.Follow her anything you can think of. I would do this often. I don't remember if you said if you worked or not. If so be home when she is home from school. This is when sex usually happpened! I don't know if this helps or not. Another thought is to have her go to a local pregnancy crisis center and talk to other teen moms. I do also think to you need to talk to her about STD. The HPV I now have it and batteling not to get cervical cancer. I have been doing this for 3 years and to think that this could effect my family now that I have 3 kids and a husband. That alone makes me feel so guilty about my teen years! I could go on and on! I will be praying for you and your daughter that she will make the right choices. In the end all you really can do is pray and give her to God! Feel fre to email me if you need to talk! [email protected]
God Bless Sarah
Rhonda,
your daughter is obviously going to have sex reguardless of what you have tought her. Some children just rebel. So now that she has had sex you have to teach her how to be safe about it. Take her to the doctor, get her on birth control, teach her how to use a condom or a diaphram, get her tested often for STD's. Becasue if you dont do these things you are going to have to be dealing with a whole lot more than just her having sex. You might have to deal with a baby or her having an STD. Good luck and hope that she sees the light and makes good choices about protecting herslef.
These days kids are having sex, just because it's something to do. It's scary because they have no idea the consequences of having sex.
Stress SEX is for making babies. Yes it can be pleasurable but if you're not taking the right precautions you will get pregnant.
If the person cares for you, he will respect your body and want to protect your body. If you respect yourself, you want to protect your body from STDs and unwanted pregnancy.
I always say once you open the can you can't close it back. Don't believe this is the only time it will happen. I know too many teenagers who are mothers now because they thought that would be the only time.
Your daughter is 14. Does she realize the person she had sex with can be charged with statutory rape? Even if she doesn't turn him in, some body else can and there's nothing she can do. That goes on that young man's record for life. He's considered a molester, even if he was in love with her.
These are a few things we need to discuss with our children. Yes sex is wonderful, but wait until you're ready to handle the consequences that go along with it. Most teenagers aren't ready. If you have to sneak, then you're not ready.
Talk to your daughter and listen to your daughter. Locking her up, won't stop it. Just make her more rebellious. She believes she's a woman now and she should be able to make her own mistakes. Yes we can make mistakes but we also can avoid them, if we listen to those who care about us.
Don't beat yourself up. Some of the best parents have kids who make stupid decisions. We give them life, but they have to live it.
As a woman who had sex young as well, I would say that she is probably rebelling against your values. For some reason, she does not think your values apply to her lifestyle, based on what she sees in the rest of the world. Peer pressure is likely a factor; I will be homeschooling my children because I do not believe in surrendering them to the peer group at such a young age when their ability to make decisions is so unformed (that is a biological fact). Our educational practice of gathering 1000's of hormonal adolescents together in huge institutions is relatively new and, in my opinion, unwise. She will probably come around when she is older, but it may be too late by then (unwanted pregnancy, STD's, etc.). She doesn't understand the consequences, and she clearly has too much free, unsupervised time with this boy. I would not let her be alone with any boys; that is just asking for trouble. I don't even think she should be dating at her age. What is the point? In her mind, it is sex.