My 17 yr. old step-son's behavior is as though he should have all the same priveledges as the adults in the house. He can come and go as he pleases, eat whatever, whenever, wherever he'd like. He skips school, fails classes, smokes in his room, sneaks out at night to have sex with his girlfriend, etc... His father has had to pay an $80 ticket for MIP - public library charges of over $50 for CD he checked out and never returned. The creditors come after the parents, of course.
This is not okay behavior with me.
My husband has heard me out, understands my feelings, but has kind of thrown his hands up in the air.
I was raised that if you want to make adult choices, you take on adult responsibility. And yet, the boy has no job, doesn't do any chores, and his father has kind of given up on him, it seems. It's so exhausting to deal with, that my husband just doesn't really have the energy any more.
I am looking for some fresh perspective and some idea as to when it's reasonable for a teen who is exhibiting this type of behavior to be ejected from the family home?
If we've tried counseling, testing, set-up help at school, done EVERYTHING we can think of - and he's still doing these things after two-plus years, at what point do you just say, "That's it - you can't live here anymore."
Can you get his library card revoked? Also, if your husband is giving him money, then that needs to stop. Stop buying food that he likes, stop washing his clothes.
Not your child, not your decision. If his dad allows it then that's the way it will be.
isn't there anything he values that you can take away? car keys? allowance, video games? he earns them back by doing chores, paying back his own fines...that's my first thought. i would also have insisted he got a job after the fines and tickets. who is paying for all his "fun"? sounds to me like dad is enabling all this. and you probably. and birth mom. you will all have to get on the same page (assuming birth mom is around) and gang up on him.
but the bottom line is, he is 17 and you can't force him, if he hasn't been raised to have respect and do the right thing. therefore, my last thoughts are - he'll be 18 soon and THEN, he is technically an adult (the creditors will stop coming after the parents) and on his own. some might say heartless, but if his dad isn't willing to take care of it, and (i assume) his mother isn't either, without their support there's not much you can do.
it sounds like his parents have a long history of just not dealing with him, so now he's possibly unreachable. he needs a lot more help than you can give him on your own.
When he is 18 you can kick him out . Till then, give him a heads up what the expectation is for him to continue to live in your home.
Job, pay rent, pay a portion of the bills. follow the household rules.. whatever you and your husband decide. Have him sign a written agreement.
As long as he follows all of this and you and your husband want to allow him to continue to live with you guys,great.
If he does not follow the rules and you and your husband decide he is no longer to live with you. Change all of the locks on your home. Stop payment on his phone, whatever.. Make it very clear your son needs to call and get permission before he comes over.
We have dear family friend that went through this about 30 yrs ago. She had 2 sons. 1 quit school 1 semester away from graduating high school and the other 1 yr from graduating. These were excellent students, the boys wanted to become "musicians".They told her she was responsible for them till they were 18. They loafed around got into legal trouble. On the 18th bday of the youngest son, she hired a company to go to her house and take all of their stuff and place it on the front lawn. She had the house emptied, changed all of the locks and had a Realtor sell the house. She moved into a 1 bedroom condo. These boys floated around and finally about 4 years later got it together. got their GEDs and both graduated from college. Tough love. They are happily married with children and very Conservative.. It cracks me up the way they act like their mother did with them. I remember them just being 2 losers for so long.
I am sending you strength.
As a parent you ARE responsible for your child until they turn 18. If you don't want or can no longer meet your responsibilities call child services and discuss what options there are for your child. Sometimes you can surrender even a 17 year old, other times you may just go through a process of emancipation, if your son wants to live independently.
Honestly, I believe this should be reserved for the most severe cases, in which the youth poses a threat to the parents, siblings or society in general.
If you just have a lazy teenager, you should give him an deadline to move out on his 18th Birthday, unless he complies with your requirements to stay with you (if that is even an option).
I would revoke ALL privileges. If you co-signed for any accounts or credit cards, close them. You pay for his car, auto insurance, cell phone or any recurring cost? Cancel it! If you are on his car's title, take back the keys. If you are giving him money, stop!
I would take away everything from this young man, but the most basic necessities of life (clothing, food, housing) and let him know that the minute he turns 18, he better be prepared to take care of this himself as well!
Make sure the conditions are clear and firm. You and your husband have to be on the same page on this.
You are right in that you are not doing him any favors by enabling him, if he is smart, he might change. Chances are that he won't and will have to learn the hard way.
I know what I am talking about... my sister was a teen mom and got herself in all kinds of trouble and was mooching different people at different times. Interventions, therapy, she was even in inpatient treatment for a time - but she did not make changes until she had absolutely nobody who supported her behavior any longer. Once it sunk in she REALLY turned it around and lives a very happy and productive life with her family now!
Fortunately many teenager who go through this will shape up eventually - unfortunately some won't, but I wish you the best of luck!
Legally, the child is the responsiblity of the parent until age 18.
Seems like boy has not had any parenting. Your husband needs to understand that being a parent is a lifetime job and NEVER goes away.
I don't know what a MIP is but take your names off library cards, cell phones, any payment plans, credit cards, etc. Explain what will happen at 18 if he doesn't straighten up and how expensive it is to live on your own. I agree with the poster that suggested the contract.
Good luck!
I totally agree with Denise P. This is your husband's problem.
I would add that if you don't like, or can't live with, the way your husband deals with him then you have some decisions to make.
The above comments notwithstanding, I feel very sorry for this young man. He sounds really off track and in serious need of intense male leadership.
Good luck,
Angela
Hopefully these things/accounts are in his name, not his Dad/yours?
Then HE is responsible for the charges and payments.
I would, have the Library cancel his library card.
What is the legal age in your State?
Or, stop paying for things. Just stop.
If he has failed so many classes... how can he keep in good standing at school, or is he on academic probation? Or did the school kick him out? Kids can hide these things/facts. I would make sure... maybe call the school.
MMMMMM. this is a tough one. I think at that age and he is acting like nascence , he would only have a bed in his room with the door removed. I would only have peanut butter and jelly for him. Make you and your hubby nice dinners. I would have a dead lock that would be locked 10 min after his curfew he would have. I would not give him money for anything. I would not wash his clothes or buy him any toothpaste, deodorant or soap. I would have all my stuff locked up. i would not buy any snack or drinks he likes. I would not do one thing for him until he acts like a responsible human in my house. I would also write down everything he needs to do to be treated with the respect that you as his parents deserve. If he does not do what you both ask he would be evicted on his 18 birthday.
Tell your husband not to give up on him! He needs him now more than ever! 17 is a tender age, do you remember the dumb things you did when you were 17? We all did dumb things, and if our parents just gave up on us, then most of us would be failures. I'm glad my parents didn't give up on me whe I was that age! In my opinion, giving up is just plain laziness. Yes, parenthood is HARD work, especially when they are teenagers, but remember...you signed up to be a parent, please don't give up.
We said this. You have two choices there is boot camp and there are those apartments down the street. You choose. He said boot camp. It was still hell with him until he left but after 8 weeks in Navy boot and now three years away form home he is doing his own taxes and his own laundry and getting in his own trouble that he has to pay for. He also lives 6000 miles away over a very large body of water. He can't just come home and the phone calls are astronomical for him.
We did the couseling, the medication, the cajoling, the crying, the kicking him out of the house for a night which turned to three. We screamed we locked doors, locked up the TV, the fridge, the computer. We brought him in front of the courts. I had more holes in my walls in three different houses than you can imagine. And we prayed. God answered our prayers.
Be firm. PIck your battles and pray for guidance.
Let him know you will put him out into the streets. I would drive by the apartments every day after getting him from school adn say which one would you like to live in. And things like at least they are close to the pizza joint because your not getting my car. Mine did have a job.
As long as he is not doing drugs and presents a diploma he can go to the military. It helped my son so much. I had dreams of him becomign a lawyer or doctor. By the time he was 17 I just wanted him to graduate without killing himself or one of us.
You might take him to a couple places and say Get a job and live here or here.
Good luck, and God Bless. I have been there and I feel your pain.
It's your stepson I think after telling your husband your feelings and by the way you are correct I think you should step aside. Your husband should be disciplining his child. You can't raise up your hands and give up with your kids! I think until your husband grows up and takes care of his kid there isn't much you can do.
I'm sorry to be so harsh, but geeze what is your husband thinking?
Joanna
For starters - I second the losing all his privledges.There needs to always be a follow up consequence. If he has any $$ for anything - it goes into repaying you guys. Then you treat him like a child since that's what he's acting like. This is your responsibility!! This is your responsibility as the "parents"!!!
You create an expectation list and a consequence list. And you stick to your guns. You treat him with respect, but it's simple. You smoke in your room - you loose your door. You skip class/sneak out - you loose possessions. Consistent class skipping will result in truancy laws and your support of the consequences. He does chores to earn tv time, out of the house time, etc... And it needs to be made quite clear - right now - at 17 what your expectations will be for him upon his graduation or birthday (whichever is last). Don't threaten him to be out if he's still in school. He will have 3 months to enroll in college, secure a job, contribute financially, or start on his own (for example). You initiate this by sitting him down, being calm and respectful, having it all written out - and letting him know that while you love him dearly - His behaviors and choices have given you little faith in his maturity and ability to be responsible and therefore a new page has been turned in your home and this is how it will be from now on. You have everything written out and a contract to be signed verifying his understanding and your commitment to these changes. Everyone signs it.
I worked at a residential home for children with behavioral problems and most of my years were spent with teenagers. I not only worked to get kids on track and teach them the value of their choices, but counseled parents on how to transition their kids back home and how to avoid placing their kids. I offer these suggestions with great conviction that it can work if you exhibit some "tough love". It's gone on too long and he's gotten away with it. You acknowledge that you haven't done your jobs as his guardians to teach him the way to make right choices, so your ready to make that up to him with these challenges, so that you can all live cohesively and so that he'll have all the advantages in life he deserves.
Don't embarrass him or yell. Don't let it turn into a fight. If he becomes disrespectful - you let him know - that tone of voice is disrespectful and not acceptable in this home. (Just like you would a 4 year old). Remember - You must set the example though. If he ends up with a room containing a mattress and 2 sets of clothes - He would not be the first -
Also, be sure to use positive reinforcement and sincerely commend him when he's doing well or meeting your expectations.
Best of luck to you - and if there is anything else I can offer in the way of my suggestions, please feel free to message me.
Good for you for caring! Ignoring and enabling is setting him up to fail and for friction in between you all. This is in the best interest for all of you!!
I used to work with at-risk high school kids, and have learned to see quite a bit from their perspective. This may not be easy for you to follow, but I hope you'll try, because it could make a difference.
I hear that you're comparing your step-son's behavior to your already-determined pattern of how a child should be raised, with privilege and responsibility in balance. I hear you, and agree with your philosophy.
And as a detached observer, I can see that it is at odds with the pattern that has evolved in your family, so your opinions about right parenting have proven themselves essentially useless in this situation. And not only useless, but probably harmful to family communication, and I suspect communication is the one area where change could still begin.
I've studied a process called Non-Violent Communication for awhile that has made an enormous difference in my ability to connect compassionately with others, even in conflict. My husband and I use it to good effect when we disagree or when our individual "issues" arise. It takes some effort, but can start to make a difference immediately. And since you'll probably be legally on the hook for your step-son until he's at least 18, this could be a worthwhile exploration for you.
What's so great about NVC is that it teaches us to identify needs, which are always legitimate, in both ourselves and the "difficult" person. It helps us learn the difference between emotions, which arise naturally, and our concepts and ideas about feelings, which are learned (and often unproductive). Once I began to sort those out, I was amazed at how much easier it was to hear the other person, to feel compassion for their predicament, and to express my own underlying needs clearly.
Whether or not Dad is able to go there, you can still start the process yourself. You can google Non-Violent Communication (or NVC) for many sites that offer the basic process, coaching, books, videos, and classes. My best to you. Step-parenting is hard; my second husband took on an 11yo step-daughter, and we had some interesting times becoming a family.
I grew up in a strict home of "My house My rules!" If we were to live there then we followed the rules no exceptions. I think after high school is appropriate. Until then you both can't give up on him! It was not that long ago that I also "hated the world, and knew what was best for me!" He is going to fall on his face and you need to be there when it happens. However until that happens you shouldnt have to live in misery. You and your husband need to make a pact and lay down the law! after all it is YOUR HOUSE!! I would meet with the school and get on the same page. Communication is key right now at this tender age ( I have a 17 yr old sister who thinks she can figure it out on her own) Have rules in place and follow through. He is playing you both right now because he knows your not going to do anything. If he sneaks out call the cops, skips school then he needs to become truant. No more lying and making excuses for him.
Looking back I felt like I hated my parents, now being a young mother I hope I can be half the parent my mom and step dad were to me! Hang in there, I wish you well :) Rachel
Well there isnt much you can do because he isnt 18 yet. where is his mother in all this? Send him to his mothers! if i were you I'd talk to the police on options for you to try, and see if you are able to kick him out to teach him a lesson. He needs to realize he needs you guys to support him since he can not do it on his own, and with that, respect you guys and your household rules. I'am sure the police on there free time can set up a plan to help straighten out your stepson. Such as; when he starts acting up call the none emergency line(after you have already talked to them ahead of time and have set a plan for when he acts out) let them know that he is acting up and you'll be makeing him leave in so many minutes. Have him pack his things and if he doesnt do it, do it yourself or have your husband do it and then kick him out. Of course you'll give the speech, dont come back til you learn to...blha blha blha see how it is to leave on your own and feed yourself. its best if he doesnt have any money. He will either come back and agree to the rules(but dont give in he'll think your easy) or go to a friends or most likely his girlfriends. This would be the time to make phone calls to his friends parents and most important his girlfriends parents and let them know whats going on and not to intervine and allow him to stay cuz the police are involved and you dont need them to get introuble for harboring a child. Now for the police they can pick him up off the streets using some excuse for taking him in.since he is a child they will allow him to call you and when he does you tell him no you got yourself into it get yourself out your not our responsibility anymore, and since you wont pick him up he'll stay the nite in a cell or a few hours, they might even lead him to think he is going to juvy or the big house(they can go at 17 with certian things) Also I dont know where you live and im not sure if this applys to all states but here in Illions if a child runs away 3 times they go striaght to juvy for x amount of days after they spent so many hours or even a day or 2 being processed! he might hate you after this but it seems something this dramtic will help him. scaring him into what you need him to be like can help, depending on him though you might have to go as far as boot camp! Also try councling for him. H e might be depressed over his parents. I dont know if his mother is in the picture but this can be bothering him too. And in the end of all this when he grows up to be a repectable young man he'll thank you guys for what you did to straighten him out cause without that he wouldnt be where he is at in that ponit in his life! good luck!
Sadly, there isn't too much you can do unless your husband is on board with you 200%. First off you need to make sure your husband handles it and lets his son know that the two of you are a united front. Second you need to find out what are the conditions of support that were laid out in the divorce or custody agreement. Third NEVER ever speak to him in a nasty tone no matter what he does to annoy/tick you off. If your husband isn't willing to be the "harda$$" parent and lay down the law/rules or he throws you under the bus ("well she thinks you should") then you need to make a decision regarding what is best for you. Sorry to be blunt but that is the truth
Well, sounds like your teen is in negotiations & so far has done pretty good. Why would he leave or want to? Parents want to give their children all that they can but we tend to not require anything for all the extras. This is what happens. Parents have a legal & moral obligation to provide healthy food on a regular basis, a safe shelter, clothes & hygenic products, education. That is all. So, while he is out doing whatever, box up all the extras. Leave him a weeks worth of clothes. Take out all other items besides books, bed, pillow. Let him know meals are served at such & such time (leave him a clock) & let him know that negotiations are over. Your house, your rules. He doesn't like, he can provide his own house, or manipulate someone else to house him on his rules. Then you are not the parents that kicked him out, but rather he chose to leave. Let him know that when he chooses to be respectful, chooses to use good judgement, chooses to use his abilities to do his part as a family member, & chooses to exihibit self control, then negotiations can once again be open to allow some of the taken for granted luxury items to be returned, but until then it is what it is. He will throw a tantrum cuz that is what ungrateful kids do & he will start towing the line & earn some respect for you guys or he will excersize bad judgement & try & go it on his own & either fail and then learn a lesson & earn some respect for you guys, or find some sap to bum off of & possibly never learn since we seem to have lots of enablers in this world. Hard but true. Course you can do nothing & have him stay forever. At this point though, what do you have to loose? Very tough situation for sure. Best of luck.
I would typically say 18 or when he finishes high school. Being that this is your step-son I'm sure there's some type of legal agreement with his mother and you would need to follow the orders in the document.
In order to make things work, you and your husband must be in agreement with "a plan". If you are not united, then it won't work.
You said you've done everything. However, it seems like there are no rules and no consequences. You say he smokes in his room. Why is this allowed? Take the cigarettes away from him and flush them. Does he have a cell phone, computer, cd player, etc? Take them away. Take the door off his room and take everything out of it, except a matress/bedding on the floor and a box/laundry basket of clothes. Set meal times. If he isn't there, he doesn't eat. When he decides to head for the kitchen, stop him and tell him he'll have to wait until the next meal is served.
It's time to teach him my house, my rules. If you don't like it, you know where the door is.
Good luck.