A friend of mine has 3 chilren. The first and last child have the same biological father, who the friend is married to. The middle child's biological father is a man she had a fling with during a break in the relationship with the husband (before they were married). The middle child is 8 years old. My friend, I'll call her Jan, isn't sure when she should tell her middle child who her biological father is. Her husband knows about the situation,I should add. The child has known Jan's husband as her father since birth. He doesn't treat her any differently than the other kids. She looks nothing like him or the other 2 kids.
Some other factors in the situation: Jan and her husband are having issues and Jan is considering divorce. The biological father is not really emotionally stable and is leaving it up to Jan to decide if he should be in the girl's life. Jan has heard through family members of the biological father that he isn't an especially good father, he's fathered several children with several different women and doesn't pay much attention to them.
My opinion is that she should save her 8 year old the identity crisis at this point... it will be much easier to handle when she is more mature. I could see maybe at some point (possibly before the tumult of puberty) explaining to her that her husband isn't her biological father, but he is her dad and he loves her and maybe eventually introducing her to the biological father. I myself put a biological father up on a pedastool, but I was in a step child situation, and hadn't known my stepdad from birth. Any one been in a situation like this? Either as the child, the parent, or biological parent? What do you think she should do?
Please be honest with the child and then support her through the process of understanding. I wish my parents had been willing to let me know, as an adult child I am still asking questions to be able to deal with what happened so many years ago. Of course there are times I wish I had never known, I am so happy I have never given up. I would contact a family therapist and get their opinions and make a great effort to making this a positive transition for her. I know this is a tough adjustment in all your lives simply put she (the child) may actually be really good about this or really hate this but with support you all can make it through. Just remember it is not about you or her dad but about her and who will be hurt , punished or cherished and loved. Think about how life for you was at 8 years old now compact on the news see if you can handle it now think of her and try to face it from her eyes now ask yourself are you asking her to make a choice between mom and dad and stepmom what do you want her to know and how will she.... respond? or will she just be angry as I did because I was knowing the truth from day 1 but honestly now i would not go back and change a thing because i do not know how i would turned out... something to think about
if ya want to talk first hand email me [email protected]
susan
I am like you my parents were divorced when I was very little. I don't remember them ever liveing togeather. I thought my real dad was great even though he never saw me or my sister. He wasn't very attentive when we did see him. The last time I saw him I was four. Until I was 18 I resented my mother and thought it was her fault I didn't get to see Daddy. At 18 I tried to find him and I found an Uncle and grandfather who both said how much they missed me blah blah blah. Neither of them would make an effort it was up to me to call and write ect. I still haven't spoken to my dad.
I did have a wonderful step father who was in my life from before I can remember but just as a family friend till I was three or four. Then he and my mother got married. I now feel he is my dad my father the man who raised two kids who weren't his and he didn't want, but he never let either me or my sister know. Other then to say once that he never wanted kids. I think I may of got that from my mom and herd it in passing.
From my perspective I would let the child be happy while she can and not get to know the dead beat. When she is 16 or so I would think she would be ready for the news unless there is some medical problem that comes up and she has a need to know. Then she is mature enough to understand but she wont till she has her own children. I never understood many things my parents did while growning up now that I have a two-year old it is clear it was all for love and to keep me safe. :)
I have been struggling with a similar situation. My son is 3, and my husband has been his daddy since birth, but is not the biological father. I think children need to be raised with that knowledge, because if you tell them once they're older they're more likely to be upset that the secret was kept from them. It's almost as if they've been lied to. I am trying to figure out how to approach the situation as he grows, so anything your friend learns from the experience, I'd be glad to know. Best of luck, I hope that she decides on what's best for the whole family. Feel free to email me at [email protected].
Jamie,
I would eventually tell her but when you think she is ready and mature. I am 1 of 5 kids and I have a different father than my brothers and sisters the guy we lived with and the one I called dad (it was their dad) I found out when I was 13 he wasnt my biological father, I never met my real dad and to this day I still dont know him and the father I knew as my dad wasnt a great man to his kids, he passed away in 85, but I am glad my mom told me I had a different father, I was always told I never looked like the dad that raised me, I was different all together. I didnt look like my brothers and sisters either. I think every kid has a right to know where they came from just use your better judgement and when the time is right.
It didnt change who I am today by not knowing my father, but in her case she has that oppurtunity to meet him, let it be her chose to want to get to know him or not.
Hope that helps
Gale
I am going thru this too. My 8 year old son only knows one father, his ex stepfather, but he knows he has a biological father that he has never met. I have seen many of my friends go off the deepend when they find out in thier teens that they are not the child of the person they believed to be thier father. I chose to start talking to him about this as soon as he was able to understand. He was about 5 years old when we started talking about his daddy that raises him and his dad that helped make him. He seeems to completley understand the situation. He still goes to his stepdads on the weekends with his younger brother and sister and loves his stepdad. He has asked to meet his bio.dad and I have tried to arrange it. This has been the hardest part...his biodad does not want to be a part of his life at this time. So, we have discussed that his biodad did not want kids and that was why he and I did not attempt to raise our son together. It hurts. But on the brighter side, I push my children to be honest and open with me about everything...so I felt like it was my duty as a parent to be open and honest with him from the beginning. My son may not completley understand it all for years to come, but when he does, it will not come as a shock. I had this huge fear that he would find out from someone other than me, as we lived in a farm town, and if he had found out from someone other than me, it would have hurt him that I had lied to him about something so important as his true father. Above all I value my relationship with my son and would never do anything to jeopridize that, no matter how bad it hurt me to tell him the truth. He seems to ask new and more difficult questions every few weeks and I always answer them honestly and keep his feelings in mind. I never degrade his biofather in his presence(he is a deadbeat dad), because to criticize who he came from would be criticizing my son. When he is mature enough to meet him, I will help him, and let him form his own opinions.
I hope this helps and if you have any other questions feel free to message me!
I myself have not had that situation to deal with, but my sister has. She was married and had one child, and became pregnant with her second before her divorce was final (by a different man). She was married to a third guy within a year of giving birth to her second child. Her current husband legally adopted her son when he was 3 years old, and they had a third child together. All 3 of her boys believe that her husband is the biological father to the 2 youngest boys, and she doesn't plan on telling him otherwise. In her situation, I disagree with her choice, but it isn't my place to correct her. Her husband is a far better father than the biological father, who is the same as what you described. Personally, I feel that in my sister's case, she should be honest with her son now (he just turned 8). His real dad will probably never want to meet him, but he will find out someday. Apparently, there are several genetic health problems from his side of the family, and if my nephew has to find out that way when he is older, he will resent both my sister and her husband for never telling him. In some cases, though, especially if the real dad is a deadbeat and has no known genetic disorders that could be passed on, it could be okay not to ruin that bond the kid has with the dad they live with. I hope everything works out for her!
Jamie E. My brother was adopted when he was three days old. My mother never kept that fact from him when he was growing up but she told him it was his choice to try and find his bio parents if he wanted to. He choose not to because he knew in his heart and mind who his parents were. I know this is a little different of a situation but it follows the same factors. If Jan's little girl is asking questions then have Jan and her husband sit down and discuss the situation and let her know that Daddy loves her very much and that he is the one that matters. Let her make the decision of maybe meeting her biological father if she wants to. But let her know she doesn't have to call him daddy and she doesn't have to love him. Tell her how much she is already loved but let her make the decisions on whether she wants her father to be a daddy too. I didn't know my father till I was fifteen and I am glad my mom did things the way she did. My father wasn't a very good father either and I still barely talk to him because I choose not to. I hope this helps you.
Sincerely,
Whitney E.
I am currently 23 years old and when I was 15 I found out that my biological father wasn't who I thought he was. I was raised by my sister's father who I knew to be my father. It hurt so deeply that my mother had lied to me all these years. When a child is old enough to understand they should be given the chance to. I now see my bio-dad on most holidays and we keep in touch throughout the year as well. Everyone deserves a chance to build a relationship with their parents, even if we don't get to choose them.
My daughter has a different biological father than my husband. She has never met her biological father and only knows my husband as daddy. I plan on telling her when she gets older, I even saved some pictures so I could show her what her biological father looks like. I don't know when I will tell her, I think I will just know when the time is right to do so, I do not think that your friend should tell her child if her and her husband are getting a divorce, that is a hard enough time on a child. On the other hand she needs to sit down and talk to her husband, if they are going to get a divorce she needs to make sure that he is still going to be there for the child. I think your friend will know when the time is right.
Well I'm coming at this from several different angles. In my opinion I feel that as parents we hold a responsibilty to our children to always be honet with them regardless the end result. I feel that there is a way to address it in such a way to where the child can understand it. for me I was asopted and was never told about it until I found things out on my own, so I hold a lot of resentment for that. Also I just recently had a son tht I put up for adoption, and the parents and I when we discussed how we wanted to let the child know decided that it should always be advised that they are his parents and that a very loving person brought him to them becuase they could not have children of their own. We alos agreed that it could also just be according to the child's curiousity about where he came from. what I have noticed with kids is that we all view them as being so fragile when sometimes they are even more resilient than we are. Kids hit an age mostly early on in which they do notice things like wether or not they look like their parents and or their siblings. i know that I was only 11 if that when I started asking questions. The other angle I come from is thte fact that my daughter, her biological father chose a long time ago to not have anything todo with us, and now my significant other plans on and we are starting soon the process in which he will adopt her. now for me, I fully plan on telling her from early on that while he is her dad, her biological father is someone else. She sees pictures of him every couple of months, and while she doesn't fully understand now, I know that in time she will, and she will remember. Just like with my son that I put up for adoption I show her the pictures of hime every week or so, as well as her half brother on her biological dad's side. I do this so that as she gets older there is no confusion and she will always know that I have been honest with her. i guess given my background and having not been told the truth from the beginning I don't want my kids to feel like I have ever been dishonest with them and I want them to learn early on that honest is very important, and I hope that as they grow older they will always feel like they can be honest with me, becuase I have set the example for them.
I'm usually all for honesty, but if the biological father is a creep I would wait to tell the child. If the biological father had any interest wouldn't he alreay be in the child's life in some way? My neice's "dad" is not her biological father. At one point my sister had to explain the situation to my neice and it went remarkably well. My sister just explained that she was a young girl when she got pregnant and that my neice's "dad" loves her very much. I know the circumstances are different, but it's important to let the child know that her "daddy" loves her.
I wouldn't wait to tell her. It will come out in the divorce when the husband doesn't want to pay child support on a child that isn't his.
Jan can equate her husband's role as the same as being a good step father or an adoptive father. They choose to be that specific child's dad. It's not really the same as being her bioligical father but it can be just as good because they are family by choice.
So if it does come to a divorce Jan needs to have her lawyer stipulate that visitation, presents and celebrations need to include all three kids. She may think he would include her anyway but most of the time he might not and if he does get involved with someone else well she may not be as generous and try to keep him from supporting (emotionally) a child that is not his.
I saw this in the last few years. My cousin has 2 kids and her husband insists that neither one is his and when they split up he went on with his life as if he didn't have other children. He even went so far as to write a letter to the court stating he didn't want to be a father to them because he didn't think they were his. He also refused to submit to DNA testing. So now she's had to have child support enforcement after him. The kids feel totally rejected and she can't overcome the feelings of guilt for doing things that would put her children in this situation in the first place.
Good luck to your friend
I don't know the child or the situation. I just want to tell you my story. I was raised by my mother along with 2 sisters. Mom worked all the time and life was not a bowl of cherries even though we had lots of pits. lol My mother married a man that I love very much.
My father was not a good parent. He would call once or twice a year, make plans to pick us up and never follow through. If he did come to see us it was usually just to impress his most recent girlfriend, or newest wife. I thought my father loved me and that he was the greatest man on earth. At the age of 16 I finally got it into my thick head that he only loves himself.
The man my mom married went through total hell trying to deal with us as teenagers, and guess what he does love us. He is still there for us even though we treated him like crap. He is the best daddy anyone could ask for. I have two kids now and just wish they had a daddy like mine. He is there for me no matter what I put him through. And he makes my mom happy which is the best thing he could ever do for me. I love both my parents and would not trade them for a million bucks.
Think about this when you talk to you friend about her situation. Fathers are not always the best dads for our kids. Just because we made mistakes when we were young and impulsive doesn't mean our kids should pay for them.
I told my son when he was 7 that the man he called dad wasn't his real father. In my case, the one that he called dad wasn't too much of a father anyways. I got pregnant when I was 19 and there were two other possibilities to who his father could be and I took him to meet both of them. One never knew that I was pregnant and the other knew that I was pregnant but I never kept in touch with him. My doctor had messed up my due date by a couple of weeks.
I told my son and explained to him that the man that he called daddy really wasn't his dad. Since he had been disappointed by him so much, it really didn't matter to him. He hasn't been hurt by the news at all. He just really wants to have a dad, but the one that I really think is his dad is in prison so I can't find out for sure.
In your case, I don't think that I would tell her yet. If the man that is raising her is doing a really good job with her, then let it go. If there comes a time that they do end up getting divorced, then maybe tell her then. But with her being a girl, I wouldn't tell her. I grew up being raised by my legal dad and I didn't remember my real dad and I met him when I was 17. I was able to handle the situation when I met him finally, but I still think that I grew up wondering why my real dad signed over his rights to me. I know that girls are more emotional when it comes to certain things and they have a tendency to have low self-esteem. I was one of them. So, have your friend look at the possible good and bad outcomes and weigh the best option from there. Good Luck.
I was in the same situation growing up. I did not look like anyone in my family and I was under the impression that my sister and I had the same father. My mom told me when I was 12. I was devastated. I felt like everyone had deceived me and lied to me. I did not contact my biological father until I was 20. My family left it up to me when I wanted to see him. I believe that all my trust issues developed from this. I think that no matter what age the child is, the earlier she knows the better. I think if you wait too long, she may then be smart enough to feel as though she was deceived and this may be a negative impact in her life. At an earlier age it would be easier to deal with and she will have more time to grow into the situation. Leave it up to her if and when she wants to meet her father. I don't regret meeting my father, but I do regret trying to maintain some sort of a relationship with him. I hope I can help. This has been such a hard thing to deal with in my life, and all the trust issues that have developed from this situation have really put a damper on a lot of relationships in my life.
My daughter is my oldest, she's 5 years old, and her biological daughter left her when she was two. In April it will be 3 years since she's seen him. About a year after that she was adopted by my son's father. Her situation is a tad bit different because she can faintly remember her biological dad. She has honestly thought that her adopted dad was her real dad and when she'd have memory flash backs she would seem confused as to why she remembered another dad, who to her, wasn't her dad. She's very mature and very intelligent for her age, but I too had wondered when I should tell her because once she gets older it would be obvious that she wasn't really his child. Her biological father was 1/2 Mexican and 1/2 Italian, her adopted dad is 1/4 Mexican so needless to say there is quite a bit of difference in the skin tone and ethnicity between my son and daughter. About 4 months back my daughter started having a huge flashback of her biological father and seemed totally fine with it as if she understood what was going on. I decided to explain it to her, and she completely understood, she didn't ask to see him, just asked why she stopped seeing him. I never belittled her biological father, just explained that her "new" dad loved her very much and that's why he adopted her. She has never had any issues from this discussion yet. She is fully aware of the situation, and has not brought up the topic of her biological father again. I know some might tisk me for telling her so soon, but my daughter has seen a lot in her life, and she is very intelligent and mature for her age. I wouldn't ever suggest telling a 5 year old that sort of information unless they were mentally ready to process it. So I would say it depends on the maturity level the 8 year old has. But if the husband should have a say so in the matter also. He might rather the biological father stay out and things continue the way they have even after the divorce. Then just at some point explain the situation to the child in a nice manner so that they don't feel unloved or unwanted by the real father. There is no worse feeling for a child than to feel unwanted or unloved, even if they never knew the father. But given the situation that the child has never met the biological father, I feel that it would be best to wait until more of a teen to late teen age to explain it to the child, unless of course the child starts to question it earlier on. Good luck!
Sounds like a lot is going on in their world right now. If there is a possible divorce coming, then not only will the 8 yr old lose the only father she has ever known, but she will also realize he wasn't hers to begin with.....no way would I ever consider putting a child through that. Another thing to keep in mind is lets say the divorce happens. Will they protect the child from all the child support stuff? Will he come out and say he only has to pay enough for his bio kids? This places stress on mom and if any fight comes from it, she will find out that way too. This has the potential to ruin this little girls life and her outcome based on how well it is handled. If they do divorce, they will have to remain friendly to one another so no harm is done to the child. That isn't impossible to do, but it would be difficult particularly if down the road the "dad" gets a new wife who is jealous. This is a very ugly situation. My prayers are with that poor little 8 yr old and her whole family that this situation can be handled in the best way for everyone.
Becca :)
Jamie:
A good policy to follow....always tell the truth. If the child finds out later in life, she may resent her parents for not being honest.
Amy L
Well, depending on the adults involved I would seriously think about NOT telling her. It might cause some really hard feelings between the child and her Mom and Dad. Trust issues, feelings of of not belonging etc..etc... I was in the same situation myself and am not totally sure that my son is my ex's child. My ex knew what happened too and he swore that he would raise the child as his own, regardless. My son is 24 now and doesn't have a clue and his "Dad" has always been his Dad. I do often worry about medical complications if they happen to occur and I guess I will cross that bridge if ever neccesary. Please believe me when I say that there are plenty of families in this situation and have been for MANY years. Good luck to your friend and may God bless all those involved with the strength and wisdom to do what they need to do.