I have 3 sons that I love very much but I'm having issues with my middle son. When i divorced their father over 11 years ago the oldest went with him by choice and I had the younger two. I remarried, big mistake, it only lasted a couple of years. We moved from the city to the country which my sons approved of. My middle son moved with his dad toward the end of my 2nd marriage. When i left my husband and came back i told him to come home and he wanted to stay with his dad and I let him. I should've pushed harder for him to come back to me. While my sons lived with their dad he was 'the cool dad, the friend". My oldest son never got into any serious trouble or anything. My middle son got into all sorts of trouble and finally had to come live with me. Their dad always had problems maintaining a relationship with the kids when he got a new girlfriend and my sons will readily agree with that. Anyway, my middle swon didn't accept that i had rules and that he had to follow. He kept letting me know that he would be 18 soon and out of there. He left 3 times when he broke curfew and i reprimanded him and found drugs in my home. He would cuss me and tell anyone who would listen i threw him out. He's now 18 and having a hard time. He dad doesn't have time for him or any of the boys so I'm the one who always worries, cries and loses sleep. What do i do? He made his choice to leave but calls when he needs something. He's stayoing at a friends house and not working. He's healthy but lazy. He worked a copule of days got a check and quit then asked me for money. When i asked what happened to his he told me it was his business. Too many mind games for me to handle, what do I do?? I don't want him to feel alone but I don't trust him because he has stolen from my home plenty of times. My husband has supported the effort but now is fed up with it and I understand. He's tired of me stressing and his ungratefulness not to mention my oldest son's ungratfulness. Both boys take,take,take and tell me I'm the mom I'm supposed to but they are 21 and 18 now. My youngest who is 17 has always lived with me and doesn't act this way at all. He's more repsonsible that the others. Is it dad's fault or mine? Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Lisa,
Sorry you're having such a rough time. My first thought is it really doesn't matter whose "fault" it is that your boys are making these choices. This is the situation, so you have to find a way to handle it. I'm very grateful that I haven't had to use "tough love" with my children, but I experienced it with other family members. It is a very difficult thing to do, but keep in mind these are no longer boys. They are adults and you are no longer responsible for them or to them. Your responsibilities were to provide for them when they were children and keep them safe. Anything you do for them now is a gift. Especially if drugs are involved, I think it's very important to draw that line. If you know he's stolen from you already, you can bet he will continue. Your obligations now are to your minor son, husband and yourself. Trust yourself, set boundaries, and stick with them. All you can do is hope and pray eventually they will come back, and I believe they will. Best of luck.
Who cares whose fault it is? Seriously, assigning blame is not going ot help anything. I say let him fall on his face and explain why (the thefts, lies and disrespect). Of course I can say this at this point cause my only son is 15 right now. Your situation almost sounds like my mom and she just keeps taking it. It drives me crazy. Just because you are Momma in NO WAY means you should be abused like this.
It doesn't do any good to try to assign blame. At this point it really doesn't matter. I have used "tough love" on 2 of my children, boy & girl, both are now 27 & doing great, son is in the military & daughter has 2 wonderful sons, divorced & working to get her life back on track. But the those teen years thru about 23 were pure " H...". Finally at 20 they had stolen & cussed & physically fought us & their younger sisters till my husband & I both sat them down & said enough. We aren't taking it anymore! You are our kids but we don't have to take your abuse anymore! Son got mad & left for a year then found a girl married her had back to back daughters & she left him & took the girls. He found another girl, married had a son & then he entered military & has reenlisted. He hasn't been to Iraq, etc but could be called at any time. Now the girl left got married to an abuser, physical & drugs, had a son & her husband died, was already pregnant w/ 2nd son & came back to live w/ us now. She still has the occasional verbal problem but has went & started on meds & for last 9 months no problems.
Sometimes you just have to let go. That is so hard to do but for the sake of your new marriage & your younger son you may have to. Your boys are Adults & can & do make their own decisions. Let them figure out how to get out of their problems w/out your having to bail them out. They may be mad for a while but eventually they should turn around. There are support groups out there for this same thing in all areas, just go online. I hope this helps you & keep your chin up! I'll be praying for you & your family.
I don't want to come across harsh, but your son is playing you. I am 26 and remember being young real well however, I was never able to ask my parents for money and then tell them it was none of their business why I wasn't working. You have to take a stand no matter how hard it is. He doesn't want to live under your rules, doesn't want to go to college or try to be somebody then he has decided to be an adult and join the adult world as one, meaning mommy and daddy do not give him money or provide for him. Give him some rules as to when you would be glad to help him and don't help him until then. I believe boys that are babied have a hard time growing up into responsible men. If he chooses for his life to be jobless and living from friend to friends house than he has made that choice and you can still love him, but you helping him is helping him stay young and not grow up to be a man. I hope this has helped some. Good Luck and be firm and strong because that is what he needs right now. Someone to expect more out of him.
As all the ladies have said, blame is a waste of time and not important. First, if he has a key to your home (do not let him in your home without you there to monitor), change your locks, second, do not give him any money - you can buy food or pay a doc bill but no money and no car or insurance payments - only necessities. Tell him if he doesn't like your rules, then he doesn't need your money - his lifestyle is his choice and some people just have to have someone or something to blame for everything (and you are his target) but the fact is we all make choices and should have to live with the consequences.......as a wise person once told me 'you cannot be a doormat unless you lie down'.........don't lie down anymore............my best to you
Lisa:
Hang in there! As your sons are so prompt to remind you they are men now for good or ill.
Sometimes you have to love your baby enough to allow him to take the hits and the bruises in order for him to learn.
Speaking from my own experience, until I was 19 years of age I thought my parents just couldn't understand where I was coming from. It took me getting life experience of my own to understand that both of them had the best intentions for me.
A wise friend of mine used to tell me that a lesson bought lasts longer then a lesson told. How real that is!
Getting back to the person that your young man is staying with. Is that in another parent's home? If so, you might open a dialog with them? Surely they will be open to hearing both sides of the story. If nothing else, it is worth your time to try isn't it?
Let go of what you can't control! That's easy to say and hard to do I realize. In this instance you must do your best to be loving, approachable, and hands off.
As the mother of an 18 month old I truly identify with what you must be going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.
D McKinzey
First let me say it is NO ONE'S fault, unfortunately this stuff just happens. As I read your post I began to wonder if my son wasn't living in two families. My son will be 26 the end of this month and is the same way. I stressed over him so much it almost killed me. My BP was skyrocketing out of control to the point I was literally bleeding from my eyeball. When I went to the Emergency Room for it the doctor said it was but by the grace of God I had not had a heart attack or massive stroke. My BP was 289/179 and it wasn't getting better.
As a mother I know how hard it can be. My son stole over $10,000 of items from us to support his drug habit. We would let him come back and the rules always stayed the same.... NO DRUGS. All he did was thumb his nose at us. As hard as it is, and it will be, the only way dor it to stop id for YOU to stop it. YOU have to put your foot down and say NO MORE! Stop feeling guilty when you did not make them this way, it is what they chose to get from life.
You have to let yourself get to a point where you realize by giving them food, money, and everything else you just encourage their behavior and as long as you are accepting of it... It won't change on it's own...
good Luck
Don't start the game of who's fault? It will not accomplish anything. As hard as it may seem, you need to cut them loose. Stop letting them play mind games on you. It's not fair to you, your youngest son or your husband. Stop giving the cash and if they must come to your home it is because you have invited them. I know this is easier said then done, but this will continue to be a life pattern if you don't stop it now. They are making their choices. This is not to say that things won't turn around. Many young people rebel, expect mom & dad to fix it, take care of it, or be on call whenever needed. This will only lead to resentment and more fighting.
Focus on your family life and enjoy it. Let your oldest sons GROW UP!
Lisa,
All your responses have some great points however, I would like to add a few suggestions.
I have had a situation with my Daughter for many years, where I tried to use my money and wisdom to "fix" the situation. I assure you that many thousands of dollars later, she was no further along in maturity and being responsible for her, her children or her actions. I was so fed up several years ago, that I released her to God. I know that Jesus can do so much more for her than I can even imagine. I have had to do my part with "tough Love". There is a reason they call it tough Love... it's not always easy. I pray for protection over my daughter and my grandchildren every day. I don't know that she realizes that her situation is mostly due to choices she made, but I pray she will get there soon. All this has given me a peace of mind.
Don't harp on what should have been, even kids raised in the same home all their life can turn out differently. Forgive yourself if necessary over not pressing more to get your son to come back and live with you.
I pray that you will find Peace of mind, and less stress over this situation.
Sincerely,
Cindy
This sounds just like my brother, who is also the middle child. My parents have bent over backwards to try to afford him every opportunity. The ONLY thing that worked was basically being forced to face his faults. He became a totally alcoholic and wasn't responsible for anything. There were times he got kicked out of wherever he was staying and my parents would wake to find him sleeping on the deck. They would let him stay, but never give him money. It wasn't until he got busted for DWI, my parents helped him with a lawyer and got him probation, he didn't follow the guidelines and got thrown in jail for 2 month. He then "woke up and smelled the coffee" Sometimes the only way to help them is to make them face the consequences. Don't enable him. Also I would advise you to attend an Narc-ANON meeting. You would be amazed. It helped me in dealing with him.
hello lisa my name is Gwen, i have 6 kids 22, 19, 18, 15, 12, 3 and its 3boys and 3girls My two oldest sons are like that only call when they want something from me my oldest is lazy and always expects me or girls to provide for him he recently starting yelling at me in a disrecpectful manner. The first step is to pray open your heart to God and give them back to Him. they are grown and as mother's we want the best for our children and feel guilty when things arent going well for them. The best thing we can do is allow them to grow up and be men. Matter of fact i told my son the oldest when he did that he couldnt ask me for anything and that i love him but im not his friends or girlfriend you cant use me and i told him i was done and unbelievably i try to stay busy and focus on the 4 in the house with me.They have to learn about choices and consequences sometimes its painful lesson but they are adults and you should not feel bad about the past but focus on the future with the family that is in the house with you start saying no! i cried but i've prayed and i know God is taking care of it I pray for you as well and remember it is not your fault nor your husbands fault they are young men and must be held accountable for their own actions keep loving your sons but live your life
Wow I just read your posting!!! This sounds just like my little sister and my brother in law! My sister is a drug addict and we totally refuse to help her well at least the majority of us do...my stepdad helps her no matter what! My brother in law has always told his mom the same thing. Mom is never a good person until she hands over the money! I have watched this man for several years now feed into his addictions. He is a meth addict. His wife is a meth addict too! His mom constantly gives them money to pay bills or to support their FIVE children. I see this woman work hours and hours and do some overtime when possible to make ends meet for herself and her son. Every time we turn around this man throughout the years is expecting another child or a new problem! I keep telling his mom that it is time for him to grow up but she won't let him. He even went to jail once for hitting his wife but she bailed him out. He didn't learn anything from that! I honestly feel like this man will finally grow up when his mother is dead! She blames herself all the time and he helps her do it too. He milks her like no other!!!! Don't let this happen to you!!! Give him some tough love. Tell him that you run a drug free home and if he can't handle that then he can't come over. If he tries his guilt trip on you again remind him that he is a ADULT NOW!!! God gave us all FREE WILL it is up to us what we do with it!!!! If your son needs to hit rock bottom then let him do that. Once he hits rock bottom then let him pick himself up. Sometimes jailtime works or sometimes it takes them to almost die from a overdose and then they realize that they should change!! If he steals from you again then call the police and put him in jail!!! Show him that you will NOT put up with his crap!!!!!!!!!!!
Lisa these boys are grown men now
and ya'll are enabling them
JUST SAY NO!
it could ruin your new marriage to the man of your dreams!
PS it's no one's fault
that kids today are so spoiled and expect not to work but their own.
Say I'm so sorry
you need to stand up on your feet now
my God they could be soldiers!
I agree you need to just say no. Why bother keeping a job to cover his needs when he can just ask mom to? Second if he cusses at you or talks bad to you hang up the phone or leave. You are his mother. You deserve to be treated with respect. You love him but that doesn't mean you have to be subjected to that kind of behavior.
My family has always taken care of me but when I step out of line they let me know. It doesn't mean I love them any less or vice versa but it does snap me back into reality and makes me realize I cannot be a jerk and still expect them to help me. Why should they?
And you don't have to, if they are over 18 they are adults. It will be really hard for you at first but I think you will be suprised at the results. Oh yeah don't give in right away, obviously they are good at manipulating you so until you are absolutely positive they are making some headway don't just give in. And if you ask where their money went and they say it's their business then your espond well then I guess getting more money is "your" business too. You don't want to be working just to support a grown man. Good luck!
omg i can relate so much 2 ur story i also have 3 boys an r divorced from there dad thank god who was verbly,physically abusive 2 me in front of my children. now i do have sum problems with my older son who now believes his dad is father of the year which he has not been in there life for sum years but now he is andof course he blames me for it. but my oldest son now has 2 children of his own with 2 different girls which i did not approve but thats not my business he says they no it all. and my middle is in college an also has adhd and he says he does not want 2 finish nor get a job so i told him u r 21 yrs old u need 2 get on ur own if u drop out of college he now is running 2 his big brother and asking 2 live with him an on the weekends they drink an i do worry alot an i cannot sleep cause he is on medications for his adhd and i worry about him taking them an drinking cause wen my boys drink they love 2 fight so the less i know the better.
Ok everyone I know it’s been a little while but things are looking up for my family. Last night i held an intervention at the house for my son who uses marijuana and other things i just discovered by accident in recent days. That’s what scared me into doing it right away. Anyway, his father and I have been divorced for over ten years but he along with my husband, mom and aunts and uncles from my ex’s side all came together to help him. He was very receptive to the help but a little mad that we came together all at once. We spoke with him for 2 hours and took him right away to see someone. He is going to begin treatment very soon. He wants 1 on 1 treatment and I’ve been told he needs that as well as intensive group outpatient treatment at the same time. I’m trying to talk him into that part of it. Anyway, Monday he will see a doctor about putting him on meds for his depression. He is leaving the place where he stayed and will be with me and his brother until he’s got it together. We are not kidding ourselves by thinking this will be an easy fast process. I told him we will all learn and grow from this together. Thanks you all for you encouraging responses and thank you Kathy B. for your new friendship.