My father has been calling himself "Papaw" to my 15 month old daughter. My mother and other family members are referencing him in this way as well, and just to note . . . this is what I called my paternal grandfather. The problem lies in the fact that my husband does not like this name and has requested that I not reference my father as "Papaw" -- ever. He says that the name is too close to "papa" or "dad" and that he wants to be the only one with that title. The other day I referenced my father as "papaw" in a thank you note to my parents and he became upset, saying that I had not respected his wishes. I tried to explain to him the awkward position it puts me in to not be able to call my Dad the name that him and everyone else around me is calling him. I personally disagree with my husband. I think a grandparent should be able to call themselves just about whatever they wish. If I call my dad "papaw" I risk being perceived as disrespectful by my husband (a sensitive issue for men -- my husband in particular), but if I follow my husband's wishes, I will need to explain myself to my family (because eventually they will notice and become curious as to why I am calling my father something different than everyone else) and risk making myself and/or my husband (depending on how I phrase it) look like selfish jerks. My daughter is the first grandchild on my side of the family and we generally only see my parents a day or two every couple months (they live four hours away). My husband and father have always gotten along well -- my Dad is really laid back and if he knew all the trouble this was causing, he would probably just suggest another name to be called (but how do I talk about it without appearing so inconsiderate). What should I do?
What does your daughter currently call your husband? If she doesn't call him "papa" why would it matter. She knows who her dad is and who her grandpa is. No matter what other people call him, she is going to call him whatever she likes.
My kids call my dad papa and my nieces use to call my dad papa and then one day decided to start calling him grandpa so you never know what will "stick".
My mother in law occasionally refers to her husband as grandpop but my oldest 3 1/2 still calls him papa because that is what she likes to call him and always has.
Good luck, I know it can be tricky. It sounds like there is also a cultural issue behind all of this as well?
It seems that your husband is the only one being a selfish jerk here, mainly because he is seeking to change a family tradition in favor of his misguided beliefs. "PaPaw" is really not close enough to "PaPa" to throw up such a stink. It really sounds to me like your husband is just be insecure, especially if he considers this a "respect " issue. If that is so, how come he cannot see that the elder of the two (your father) also deserves repect and if you "respect" your husband's insensitive, and therefore disrespectful wishes that YOU are going to be considered disrespectful yourself. This tells me this IS NOT a "respect" issue but rather a power play he feels necessary to perform against your father.
Free advice is worth what you paid for it but I would tell my husband that if he wants a truly respectful wife that you and he as a couple would be better off respecting the elders in the family first. With all due repect, sister, you've got a sticky situation. Good luck!
My kids call my parents Ma & Pa. My daughter heard me call my mother Ma so she picked that up on her own, and Pa just kind of happened. We orginally wanted them to call them Grammy & Grampy but they chose it on their own. When we were kids both of my grandfather's were Poppie and grandmothers were Grandma. Now my kids call my husband's dad grandpa.
Your husband seems to have major issues about this. He needs to get over it and realize it doesn't matter what your daughter calls other men as long as she feels safe and loved by him.
I don't particularly like the names my parents chose for my daughter to call them, but since they will go by the names, I thought they should be the ones to pick whatever names they like best.
I don't know how to answer you other than to say I'm sorry you're having to go through something like this when you all should be enjoying your time together. Life is too short to get upset about something that seems so minor (in the grand scheme of things)!
I truly hate to hear you dilemna. When I had my first daughter, I had the same concerns (who should be called what). I finally resolved that my child should call them by the names the older children were already using. How unfair is it to make your child different, especially among cousins, and other family? And the hurtful thing is what the other kids will say to your child about why she has to be different. Just remember it's all about the relationship you build with your child. She will always know the difference between her daddy and her pawpaw.
Tell your husband to grow up. There is only on "Dad" to his kids and that is him. And his actions towards his kids is more important than any title. So if he wants to be the shining star then act like one instead of a spoiled child who didn't get his way. How can Pawpaw and Daddy get confused anyways?
We have a pawpaw, grandpa snyder, pawpaw with the tractor, nanny, nana, mimi, mawmaw, maamaw, and an abuela. Tell him to get over it and be thankful there are granparents to love and cherish his children.
Laura
It seems the real question here is what causes your husband to feel so insufficient and ineffective as a father that a name could endanger his position. Further, what causes your husband to believe that, of all the responsibilities he has as a father, that the name of your father is a priority. Something is out of whack here and I think its your husband.
I disagree with just about everyone who posted before me. I would suggest talking to your husband. Don't tell him to grow up and get over it! See why it bothers him so much and try to respect his wishes. Remember, you're married to HIM, not the rest of your family. Once you've gotten his point of view, if you do decide to change what your daughter calls your dad, talk to the rest of the family and let them know that you and your husband feel that "x" is a better name. No need to go into details. If they don't respect you for making a joint decision with your husband, their priorities are out of line, not your husband's!
Marriage is about respecting your husband and his wishes (and he, you and yours) so try to come to an agreement. Sometimes one of you has to be willing to back down during a disagreement to make things go smoothly.
Just so you know, the cousins all call my husband's parents MeMaw and PePaw. Neither my husband nor I like those names so we talked to his parents and asked what they wanted to be called. They didn't care. So, we started using Grandma & Grandpa (and told them that). It's taken some adjusting, but no one really cares. We do have to remind my sisters-in-law that they are Grandma & Grandpa, but they respect our wishes.
Same goes for what my daughter calls my husband. He wanted to be Papa so we've had to remind people everywhere that he's Papa, but they all respect our wishes.
I hope this helps.
Dear Raissa,
Good morning, I sorry but your husband needs to grow up a bit. Sounds like it is all about him. The child should be able to call his grandparent what he wants. I'm a great grandma.My oldest great grandson calls me granny Jellybean. I don't have a problem with that he is fixing to be 14 Most of his mom's friends call me that also.This isn't about him but you child.
Good luck and have a blessed day.
Janet G
If he's established the name Papaw for 15 months now then that's his name. Your husband is dad or daddy. My kids call my dad Papa and their dad daddy. Usually that's the way it is. I think your husband might be being overly sensitive and probably there are some other issues bothering him and he's focusing on that. You just aren't mean to the grandparents. They raised you! They earned the right to be called whatever they want. Good luck dealing with your hubby, but since when is 'daddy' not enough.......honestly it's the sweetest thing you'll hear your child say, besides 'mommy'! Good luck!
The funny thing about kids, is they may call them something different then what we want them to. My mother is Nana to 6 of her Grandchildren and Grandma to one. My Father in Law is Pops to most, but Grandpa to some. Let the kids decide and maybe your husband will be ok with that. Just make sure he knows a name is not the most important part of a relationship!
Sorry, but your husband is being a "selfish jerk." Traditionally it is the Grandparent's choice to determine WHAT they will be called. My daughter has: Granny and PawPaw, Gandpa(last name) and Grammy, and Grandpa(last name) and Grandma.
Assure your husband that Papa and PawPaw sound nothing alike and have two totally different meanings. As for "disrespecting your husband."
You and your husband are in a partnership. This means there is a two way street. By asking your to go against your FATHER'S wishes, your HUSBAND is disrespecting YOU. Partnerships are build on mutual respect NOT fear.
If he wants to be called papa, then you should reserve that name for him alone and at 15 mo papaw = papa...you admit that if you were mama and a grandparent requested mamaw you would not like it, right? Because before you know it your child will be calling you and your grandmother mama.
On the other hand, if he wants to be called dada & grandparent wants to be called papaw, they are so different in sound that he has no good argument.
Maybe one of them could be called Papi? (Pa-pee) It's a more affectionate term than papa.
I would take everybody's needs into consideration and try to come up with a solution. It's hard, though.
My MIL is Nonna, and my FIL (who passed) is Papa. I don't really like the terms "grandma" and "grandpa" so much, and Nonna really wanted to be called the Italian word for Grandma. So, Nonna it is. Sometimes my daughter calls her "Nonni" as a more affectionate term. She would most likely call Papa "Papi" if he were here.
Teri
Papa and Papaw do not sound alike - try spelling it like Pawpaw (it doesn't even resemble papa). Your husband is being controlling. Has he done other things like this? You call 'your' dad whatever you want to call him. He was around before your husband. Do not disrespect yourself by telling your family you will be using another name. They will be mystified by the fact that your husband is insecure and threatened by something as simple as a name. He should be the one asking why he is so threatened by the name, not you asking how you should approach this.
I think your husband is acting like a baby. He is not only putting you in an awkward position, but making a big deal over nothing. He sounds pretty controlling. Has your dad been Papaw for a long time or is this the first grandchild? If your husband refuses to quit being selfish, then maybe your dad would be willing to change, if this is a new name. I would be honest with him. If your dad has been Papaw to all the grandkids and has been called this for many years, I would tell my husband that he'll have to get over it and leave it at that. Just my opinion.
First to your hubby, I think at 15 months, it's a bit late in the game to decide he doesn't like the Papaw name, but that being said, why not be honest? Just tell your family your hubby's feelings, I'm sure they would want to make him comfortable and choose a name he can enjoy too. If you and hubby call your dad one thing and everyone else calls him Papaw, the kid will end up deciding what to call him. But better for everyone to be on the same page.
We had a similar issue when my daughter was born. My mom wanted to be called Grammie and so did my husband's stepmother. My mom then got upset and wanted to be the only Grammie, but there were older cousins already calling his SM that- I wasn't sure what to do.
What we ended up doing was paying attention to the first words my daughter started to use, and going with that. She started out saying something like "gigi", and so we went with that and said that was a special name that she had thought of herself. So, now even though the other cousins still call her Grammie, my kids both call her Gigi, and that way the Grammie title is still available for my mother.
With your daughter being 15 months, you might be able to do something like that and let her choose what he is called. I find that people get their feelings hurt less when it's the precious grandbaby changing the name. :)