I have a 1 year old boy who is great! I have so much fun with him, but I really don't think I want a second child. We both work full time and I enjoy having time for myself on a rare occasion. I am afraid if I have a second, I will never ever have free time. However, I worry that my son will be missing out on something great if he doesn't have a buddy to play with.
People are choosing to have one child these days for a lot of reasons. Enroll your child in a great daycare, get involved with other parents in the neighborhood, etc...This is a great way to ensure your child develops socially.
Mother of four here. Interesting that you feel a second child would be a "buddy" to your son. That may not be the case at all. My two closest in age do not get along at all. It has been my lifelong experience that it is a "grass is always greener" situation. Those who have siblings often wish they did not. Those who do not have siblings often wish they did. My oldest three were raised together. My fourth came 15 years after the others and so is, in effect, an only child. So I've had it both ways with my kids. You should never have a child unless YOU are 100% sure YOU want one. Never have a child in order to give another child a playmate. That's what friends are for. :0) You will never be able to fulfill all of your child's desires. Don't even try. Life gives you what it gives you. It is an important life lesson to be content with what you have.
With all due respect, you're approaching this intellectually, when you should be looking at this more emotionally. Assuming you can afford a second child, the only question is whether you (the parents) want one.
As the mother of 3 I can tell you that a second child is more than just double the work and time, it's exponential! You should applaud yourself for knowing that you require personal time, not feel guilty for it.
To have a child so that your existing chid will have a buddy is nuts. Who know's if they'll get along. It's not fair to the potential new baby.Your child will make plenty of friends at school, camp etc.
Ultimately you need to follow your heart, and don't really listen to other people's pro's and con's. The only point of view that matters is yours and your husbands.
Laura is totally right in saying not to have another child unless you really want one. My son is also an only child. Because I was older when I had him, my husband and I opted not to have a second child. We are happy with our decision. When my son was a baby, I got involved with a couple of playgroups, which gave him a chance to be around kids his age. He went to German preschool, which is all about socialization, and is now in school. It seems like he's playing with one friend or another after school and never wants for buddies. He is also in the Cub Scouts, which gives him another opportunity to be around boys his age. When he was in preschool, he asked why he didn't have any brothers or sisters. My husband and I explained that families are all different--some have one kid, and some have more than one. Now he is happy being an only child because he also likes to have some time to himself. Overall, he has a good balance of being with his friends and being by himself.
Each reason and situation is different.
Like you, after my first child, I was in no "rush" to have another. For a bit, I did not want a 2nd child. But, me & Hubby mulled over it. 4 years later, we had a 2nd child... which was planned and a blessing, and we would never change that. We are so happy about it, as well as our daughter.
Prior to having our 2nd child, we spoke with LOTS of "only children/adults." They all told us, unanimously, that they never liked being an only child. That they always wished they had a sibling.
We wanted a "family" with more than 1 child, and we also, wanted our firstborn, our girl, to have a sibling... we did not want her to be alone....to have no "family" after we are long gone etc. We thought about the future, and we decided to have another child. We have never regretted it... it is so amazing to see 2 siblings caring about one another... and growing up together. This to me, is bliss.
A sibling is not a "buddy." A child should not be gotten just to be a playmate. I'm sure that is not what you meant...but you may get critiqued for that comment.
Sure, the HOPE is that siblings get along with one another. Yes, sometimes they don't, and it can be a very conflicted problematic relationship. I had that with my sister from childhood until adulthood. It was only over the past 4-5 years or so that we actually get along.
Yes, you will have more time to yourself with only 1 child. My friend, chose to do the same as you. She only has 1 child, by choice and after deciding on it with her Hubby. So, that is her choice and that's fine for her.
It is not an easy decision. But it should be a conscious decision and well thought out. No matter how many kids a Woman has...it is still "busy" even if with just one. Carving out "me time" is still a challenge no matter how many kids in are the brood. It has to be a team effort for each person to have their "own" me time etc.
For your son....he is only 1 years old now... he only knows you, Mom. As he gets older, he may very well "request" having a sibling...many young toddlers do that and say that to their Mommy/Daddy. What will you say to him? Be prepared for that.
If your son does wish to have a sibling... it may or may not change your mind. But, you will need to address it at some point with your son as he gets older.
There is no "right" answer to this. You seem to have answered yourself though... and my just be seeking confirmation of your thoughts. You already seem decided on only having 1 child. How does Hubby feel about this? Ideally, both partners should be on the same page about it.
Good luck and I hope you find an answer that is comfortable,
~Susan
I have a four year old daughter and since I had her I haven't wanted anymore. My daughter is very imaginative and creative and can play by herself just fine, and we have neighbors she plays with and there are other activities like sports or music etc that the child can get into...it is not fair to give this future unborn child a job...to entertain your first.
Hi,
Slightly different angle -- I had three babies, plus a wonderful step-son. But when I had my third baby I knew I was finished. It was like something clicked over and said, "Done." I think that sense is built into each of us. Whether it kicks in after one child or nine -- when you're done, you're done. Listen to it, be grateful for it and revel in the gift of knowing you have exactly the family that is right for you. If the time is right for you to have more children later, you'll feel it. Until then, enjoy distraction-free time with your one-year-old.
I was the late baby, raised as an only child because my siblings were off to college. Growing up as an 'only child' certainly didn't ruin my life! I got to bond with my mom in ways my adult siblings envied ... because there was time. It's a huge juggling act to make proper time for each of my kids -- and it's never as much as they deserve. I never live up to the example my mom set for me. There just isn't time. I wish I could hire a cook and a housekeeper and a driver... so I could spend all that time having conversations and tickle fights instead. But I can't. It's the only downside, really.
A good play group, kindergarten, play dates, cub scouts, soccer, football, school plays and band practice -- there are plenty of ways to get buddies. But time with mom all to yourself; there's no substitute. Go with your instincts. Always.
:-)
Due to medical reasons I had only one child. He is now 24 years old. I asked him this very question. He said he didn't miss something he never knew. There is no way to know if they will be good friends He had lots of friends in the neighborhood. And you are right. 2 kids is a whole new game. 2 times everything. And you are last. My sister in law has 2 elementary school age kids. I took care of her kids for an evening a couple of weeks ago. She never has a break. Works full time and does school and personal activities in any spare time she has. Plus keeping her house up. Follow your heart. I have no regrets of having just 1
Kids have FRIENDS, it's cheaper for going out to eat, vacations, college... Think about the quality of life you can give the child. Can you afford to stay home with 2? Why send 2 kids to day care?
Hi Lindsey: As I'm weeks away from expecting my 6th child, I will offer only one piece of advice from my childbearing years that I haven't heard from the previous posts: WAIT to do something permanent in the way of birth control. I have been completely surprised at how my emotions, thoughts, circumstances, and my marriage have changed my desire for more or less children. I NEVER thought I'd have 6 kids (in fact, I can't believe I'm having my 6th one in less than a month!), and yet I'm so ecstatic and can't wait till I hold my baby and see her sweet little face. Everyone of our children were planned, too - I was never careless about getting pregnant. I'm overwhelmed sometimes, but feel incredibly fortunate to have been given so many treasures and to see my children enjoy and learn from each other - most of the time! God bless your decision- it is one that should be made with much discussion from your husband first and foremost.
Only children do actually benefit in some ways
* More finacial resource available to them
* More time with each parent
* Higher acedemic achievement
* Higher selfesteme and
* Usually more successful in life
Two children often have many of the same advantages but they drop slightly for the second born. (More than 2 do not reap many of these benefits.) However, 2 children do give them a greater sense of "family". Though there are a lot of times that they would be "buddy buddy" there will also be times they are at WAR with each other.
I think that how many children to have is dependent on your and yous husband's feelings of when the family is complete. If one child is enough, than that's your answer. I wouldn't make any permenant choices yet, as him only being a year old, you very well could change your mind. If he starts Kindergarten, and you still know that one is the right choice for your family, then your done, and he will reap MANY benefits.
Hi Lindsey,
I too, have only one child. She is the most wonderful, intelligent, kind & caring individual I know. She is not spoiled even a little and I've had the time to take with her to show her life at it's best. She will be 14 in August and just made varsity cheerleader at a top high school in California. My husband once joked to a friend who asked us why we didn't have more children...he replied "we decided to do it once and do it right." I think we've accomplished that. Also ~ Dr. Laura only had one son and he appears amazing. Have a terrific day ~ hope this helps! Catherine
I have 4 kids and i often wish i had free time. I do get it now and again when i ask my husband to hang out with the kids. And i often think about the day when they will all be old enough to take care of themselves.
But i wouldn't trade all the fun and memories and haertache of having all of them. They have all learned so much from each other, and we have learned so much from them.
My kids are 3,11,13,& 14 now, and boy is everyday an adventure.
It was so hard with the kids when they were younger, but they do get older and it is amazing to see the type of people they become.
It was really nice when the kids were younger they had each other to play with and that gave me some time to do stuff. And now they hang out and even help me with the three year old.
You know what your limits are. Follow them. Maybe wait a year then have another if you want to. or not. It is ok.
I hope this helps
Take care
Beth
I think you'll have the opportunity to really give him all the attention you have the time and energy for. My brother has 1 child and he's content with that. She is their life.
I have 4 and obviously I can't give them each what I would like. Quality one on one time isn't easy with 4.
But, I like the fact that at this age (mid-30's) I have my 3 siblings and we are now very good friends to each other (we fought all the time growing up).
Sinnary
Hey Lindsey...well, I have 3 kids, ages 5, 4 and 2. So...you can see where we stand on the only child issue :)
But a couple of different thoughts from where I come from...I was the last of 4...my oldest sister is 16 years older than I and my closest sibling in age was 7 years older. I felt like an only child at times because they were always older and off having a completely different life than I did. It was definitely lonely and I hated not having a sibling closer in age to me. That being said, I did grow up much more independent, almost too much at times, and I know that was a big adjustment for me when I had to give up pretty much every ounce of that...all at my own choice and I wouldn't trade it for the world!
To us, family is everything. When all else fails, family is always there for you...no matter what. And we wanted our children to have siblings...and as it turns out, the older 2 are only separated by 1 year and 5 days. They are completely inseparable, because life as they have only known has pretty much always had the other one in it! They love each other (a girl and a boy) and yes, they do fight, but they play together so well, and as they are getting older, ALWAYS, ALWAYS look out for one another. One can't go to a birthday party without asking for a goodie bag for their brother/sister. It's precious beyond words...
Going from 1 to 2 kids is an adjustment, but honestly, not much of one (going from 2 to 3 was MUCH harder). You learn how to do it...it's just a new routine...and it comes over time. You look back and wonder where the time went because you adjust in rather quickly :) That being said, you have to want another child for you...and your husband...not for your first child.
Someone once said to me..."You might look back and say, wow, I wish I would have had another child...but you won't look back and say, wow, I wish I never had that other child". It rings true for our 3rd...we love him beyond words and our first 2 kids think he's the greatest thing ever! Sitting back and watching them interact and build their bonds now...it's absolutely priceless...and I would not change anything for the world! We are even contemplating a 4th!!
Yes, it's true...you're free time diminishes with each child you have...BUT...these young years only last a VERY VERY short time. Before you know it they will be 5, then 10, then 15...then off to college, etc. You will wonder where the time went. Believe me...I can't believe our baby girl is starting Kindergarten this year...I thought it would never come and here it is. This time goes SO fast...so whatever you choose...enjoy every minute of it!
Best of luck to you!!
You know--we have 1 7-yr. old boy right now. And only now do I want another--but not so desperately that if it doesn't happen naturally and easily, I'm so happy just having our little guy in our life! It's been a blast--he's so easy to travel with, and so much fun--and we both work too...so we're only juggling one child and soccer or basketball or golf or whatever season we're in! He doesn't seem super eager to have a bro/sis---at times he is more than others---but in general not so much....regardless what you decide, enjoy! :) 4 yrs. old was one of my most fave. years ever---but he's so fun now....and I know your little guy is too!! (for the record, I was raised with 3 sisters, and my husband with 2 sisters...so not only children.)
Trust your instincts. You should have as many children as you and your husband WANT — not how many anyone else thinks you should have or how many most people usually have. And providing a friend to your child is not a good reason for having a second one. My husband and his sister spent their entire childhoods at odds with each other — he has no fond memories of sibling bonding and friendship! However, if you and your husband both want another because it feels right in your heart, then go for it. I'm speaking as someone who grew up as an only child (I have one sister 16 years younger than me) and as a parent to an only child who is now 7. Like my daughter now, I had friends to play with and have no sense of "loss" for not growing up with a sibling. I don't intend to have more because my "mommy instinct" tells me that this is right for our family, and my husband agrees. So no guilt, no pressure. Just know yourself and then enjoy whatever choice you make!
Hello Lindsey,
I myself have a 2yr old son. My husband and I have been thinking the same thing about having only him. But, we both have sibling, I a younger brother by 4yrs and my husband has 2 younger sisters, one is 2 yrs younger and the other is 9yrs younger.
My son will be 3 this August and we have decided to have another. The reason isn't because we want him to have a play buddy, but someone to learn from.
Learn to share, learn to love, learn to care for. Also, the fun of having a sibling...waking up early on Christmas morning giggle about what we think Santa brought us, ganging up against Mom and Dad, the secret paks between sibling. We don't want our son to miss out on what we enjoyed so much with our sibling.
Plus, we started to think about the adult years of our son. It is good to know that if either one of our parents (mine or my husband's) get sick and need help it is just not us that have to worry and take care of them. We will have our siblings help. We won't have to go through the pain alone if one of them passes. We can share the pain and happiness in life with our siblings. They are the closeness in DNA to us and that is something so special that we decided we want our son to have the same feelings.
And yes, we know they will argue, dislike each other at some point, but the love that they will share will be awazing.
I hope this helps you. Just think about all the stages of your son's life, not just a playmate for him.
Good Luck,
Megan
One advantage is that you don't have two kids to send to college! I too only have one kid. I am struggling with the same question, but my daughter is special needs and has no cousins either. I may just go ahead and have one, because I don't want to leave her an old woman with no family. I would also say that if you have a large family outside your hubby and child, and they have kids, it isn't that big of a deal if you just have one. I think it is mean to leave your kids without family after we pass on. I think if he has cousins or lots of family it isn't a big deal, if not mull it over some more.